miscarriage-horrible behaviour from DP

[tetleytea]

Please can you help me to figure out what i should do in this relationship? I'm at a very low ebb and having difficulty judging my situation at all objectively. Would really appreciate an opinion from any sisterhood that might be out there.

I had my 3rd miscarriage. It happened during the night (the nastiest bit)and i didn't want to wake DP, i just wanted to get on with it on my own. In the morning he really resented the fact that i had "excluded" him. In the morning i was too shell-shocked to talk about it. Result: he didn't talk to me all day, didn't address a word to me, even went out in the morning for a few hours to get something and left me to look after our 4 year old. I was devastated, more at his behaviour than at the miscarriage, as i was expecting it might happen.

I can't forgive him. How would others react to this?

Thanks for being out there

[MardyBra]

for you. Well, in one way it was good that he wanted to be there for you but freezing you out is hardly adult behaviour. Sounds like you guys need to start communicating more.

[MsKLo]

Let me first say how sorry I am to hear this. My initial thought to this was 'what a tosser' but he is obviously not coping very well either. Could you both go to a couples counsellor? I think you could both benefit from some professional advice on how to deal with your devastating losses. He was, though, very wrong to be like this with you, but he may be so sad he can't think straight and some outside help could be useful.

The very best of luck x

[nzshar]

First of all very sorry for your loss. But it is his loss too and the fact he wanted to be there for you and to perhaps grieve as well is not unreasonable. While I understand you are probably grieving he is too and everyone grieves differently.

[mutznutz]

I echo nzshar and I'm also sorry for your loss

[pickgo]

So sorry tetley.
Have you spoken yet?
I think you should try and take into account that he is upset too, though he should see that it's far worse for you IMHO.
Don't know what you CAN do really except try to talk to each other and not let your distress come between you but try to use it to draw closer together.
If you talk to him tonight after DC in bed will he listen? Will you be able to listen to him yet?
Perhaps you should just say you know you need to talk but for the next few days you're just going to concentrate on looking after yourself and doing whatever you can to make yourself feel a bit better.
So sad for you, it's a horrible time.

[balia]

So sorry for your loss. Just wanted to add from a 'been there' perspective that after my m/c's my DH got no support or sympathy from healthcare professionals whatsoever, and was expected to look after me, provide me with emotional support - but he was devastated too. Don't try and work out what to do, give yourself and him lots of space and time to grieve - you say you were expecting it, perhaps he wasn't? His behaviour does sound horrible but he must have been in shock, too.

[NormalityBites]

What nzshar and balia said.

When I MC I was begging DP to wake up or get up and help but he refused and merely went back to sleep. Even when I was crying and really upset he just blanked and said he didn't know what I wanted him to do and turned over. Then he suffered much more than I did getting over it.

I am sorry for your loss.

[ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo]

i am so sorry for your loss.

at first glance i would have been angry with him aswell but afetr thinking about it, it seems he is feling very hurt by being excluded from this. as a result of your miscarriage your pregnancy, and so his time of being father to that child was very short. being excluded from the last part of the baby's existence is clearly jsut too much for him.

[bubblewrapped]

:( and I echo what almost everyone else has said too.. he is suffering as well and struggling to deal with it.

[clevercloggs]

maybe he wanted to talk but took your "shellshocked" for being annoyed/huffy? (cant think of the right words)

Now doesnt know how to start a dialog

[Ladyofthehousespeaking]

Oh tetley-Im so sorry, I'm in a very very similar situation.
My dp has acted very strangely- no affection, distant and the other night he told me he wasn't sure he could love me the same anymore :( :( :(
it's breaking my heart but I'm hoping it's just grief/shock

I think it's easy for men to be 'excluded' by medical professionals etc while it happens, and while they would normally protect us/help a feel better if we were poorly, they don't have any control whatsoever- my dp wanted to know everything too, I think it's just a way of dealing with things xxx

massive cuddles xxxx

[jenga079]

Oh Tetley, I'm really sorry to read this.

It sounds like you are both struggling and that you are simply reacting to a very difficult situation in different ways.

If you can manage it, I would wait until DC is in bed, then take a deep breath, pour a couple of glasses of wine, curl up next to him on the sofa, and have a good old cry together. No blame, no arguments, just some self pity and mourning.

Take care xxx

[wizzler]

Oh Tetley, my heart goes out to you.
As the others have said, DH is probably struggling to deal with his own feelings, often Dh's really dont know what to do or say in these situations (mine didn't)
Hope you are ok

[wizzler]

Lady of The House,hope you are ok too.

[TCOB]

I'm so sorry for your losses - it's just not fair. I wonder if part of DP's reaction was that man-thing of wanting to fix everything i.e. does he have a little hope that maybe if he had been there he could have 'done' something about it? I really hope the two of you can work it out; you must have a strong relationship if you have already worked through the grief of two previous miscarriages. And you sound like a pretty strong person yourself, but please leave space for your feelings as well as his .

[kittybuttoon]

You poor things -what a terrible time for you both.

He's in shock, and I expect you are too. Don't expect too much of him for a little while. He sounds absolutely devastated.

Talk to each other when you both feel ready.Accept that you can't make it right for each other, and there isn't a correct way to behave in this situation.

Big hugs xxxx

[bees474]

You poor, poor thing :( Very bad news. I know dh was unhelpful, but could it be that he was in shock too?
I think sometimes men just don't know how to respond to mcs? I had one when I was away from dh visiting family- on the phone he sked if I wanted him to come down, I said I wasn't sure, he didn't come- always resented that! I just don't think men quite get it, and how could they?
It's so very unfair for you, I really hope it is OK with dh and that one day you'll have the child together that you want

[sonsiexstitch]

You poor things, it is horrible, I have been there.

What he is doing is very hurtful to you but I think it is that he is not coping very well himself. Grief can have that affect on people. It sounds like he wanted to be there for you and is perhaps feeling guilty for being asleep (it is hard to be rational when grieving). Everyone reacts differently and it is hard when 2 people close to each other react differently.

I had counselling after one of my miscarriages and the can do it with couples to give you both support. Is there anyone who can babysit for your 4 year old so you can have time together.

[PigletJohn]

Even if you feel you had good reasons for acting as you did, he's entitled to be very hurt. How would a mother feel if the dad said "baby died last night, but I didn't wake you because I didn't want you to be involved"