I'm worried about DD's state of mind.

[beatrixkitto]

Name changed on this one.

Bit of background first.

EXP and I split when DD was 5 (3 years ago)

Since then we have a strained relationship with regard to access, in the respect that he would change his contact with her at very short notice. He used to see DD every other weekend, all weekend and the weekends in between would have her over on a friday night and bring her home on a saturday, he also used to have her over for tea one night during the week. I have always been very flexible with regards to these short notice arrangements, even when it meant canceling a weekend away as exp canceled at short notice seeing his daughter.

Fast forward to the last 9 months (since I married my husband and we had a baby, and he married his partner)

He has canceled all of his maintenance payments and has started to want more access and contact with his daughter.

I have no problem with him having more access to his daughter at all, I have never made it difficult for him.

Since Christmas I have contacted the CSA as he is still refusing to pay and has now started to get really irate with me again with regard to access, demanding seeing his daughter at certain weekend rather than others i have tried to be as flexible as possible but we have a life too and can't always change things at the drop of a hat.

DD went to her dads this weekend (another weekend that he had demanded to see her) came home on Sunday evening and was in absolute pieces. she came home at 6pm and was crying until 11pm! at first she wouldn't tell me why she was crying then it came out that Daddy had really shouted at her at the weekend over washing her hair and he had also been arguing with his wife. she was petrified also that daddy was going to take her away and she'd never see me again, she said that she had been having dreams about it also. i have never seen anything like it, she has been so low over the past few months and i hadn't put the two and two together till now.

He text me last weekend to say that he was going to see a solicitor regarding access and that i need to be very careful?

My daughter has since decided that she doesn't want to go to her dads for the next few weeks, tbh I think she is scared of him, he is 6'4 and is well built and when he shouted at her she must have been terrified.

I just don't know what to do for the best now, she really doesn't want to see him for a while but yet, he is going to think it is me changing his access arrangements which will look great when he goes to see his solicitor on the 28th.

i bought her a cheap mobile last year so she could speak to her dad when she's at home and so i could call her when she's at her dads for the weekend. She decided to turn her phone off last night and put it away as she didn't want to speak to him.

(BTW she is now not allowed by him to take her phone there at weekends, so that i cant speak to her)

I really don't know how to handle this I have tried to call him to discuss how she is feeling and he refuses to answer.

Can somebody please give me some advice, she is so, so sad, heartbroken in fact and i really don't know how to help her, i cried myself to sleep on sunday night because i am so worried about her.

[beatrixkitto]

Btw I have copied this from wwyd, as i am desperate for advice and aibu gets more traffic.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

That's really hard on both of you. I don't have anything to say apart from respect her wishes. If she doesn't want to see him, I wouldn't force her to.

[FabbyChic]

Tell him you welcome the solicitors letter as you would like access to be fixed and not when it suits him.

Put it in writing if he won't talk to you, tell him that she is coming home distressed and does not wish to see him for a while and you will wait until it is sorted by a solicitor before allowing any further visits.

Further advise that he is obligated to pay maintenance and would hope that the solicitor will be dealing with that too.

[tomhardyismydh]

I would write to him, stating that a solicitor is a good idea to ensure arrangements are structured.

I would at this moment respect your dds wishes. and state this in the letter.

state you have attempted to call to discuss this and have been unable to reach him as he has not answered. I would not attempt to call him again however.

You can get a free one hour consultation with a solicitor.

try to make cronilogical order of events.

If Im honest I would be alarmed at your dd saying she is worried about him taking her away.

what a terrible situation. seek legal advice.

[cestlavielife]

take her to the GP andhave her chat to the GP about this.
they can refer her to family therapist if she is distressed.

if it ends up in court you need evidence of her distress - not just your word for it.

if tehre is currently no contact order then you are not breaching anything legal, only an informal arrangement.

if he takes it to court - good - you canthen rbing up the issue.

but make an appt for DD with GP and explain the situation and have it on record.

[monkeyflippers]

I just wanted to say that you are right not to force your daughter to go there when she is coming back so distressed (it sounds so extreme!)

Also he sounds like a bully and a bit controlling. Why on earth won't he let her take her mobile with her? That's just weird!

[rockinhippy]

Playing Devils Advocate,

I would try & look behind his recent moodiness & aggressive behaviour & wonder what is going on there....presuming this is new of course, which from what you write sounds so)...

DD says he is arguing with his new wife when she stays, is the new wife possibly the actual root of the problems?? jealousy, calling the shots & leaving him in the middle feeling torn & stressed & dealing with it VERY badly ......OR are there new financial worries that have him acting in the same way, but aggressive with EVERYONE , new wife included??.....

is the Solicitors involvement because SHE is perhaps pushing him to get shared residency or change it to DD living with them, & visiting you, because SHE resents him paying maintenance ?? has DD picked up or over heard this??..& his stress levels are through theroof as a result......maybe try & get to the bottom of that before you draw up a plan of action??....

are there perhaps ther family members of his or mutual friends you can speak to & get some insight, they might well be open to speaking with you, if you approach it in the way of...as you are so worried because of how its affecting DD & his relationship with her


I wouldn't automatically shout "controlling" He does sound like a disorganized sap though, or perhaps a big kid for chopping & changing weekend arrangements to suit himself...or again perhaps his new wife?...or perhaps he's used to you being laid back about arrangements & as Men can often do, just take it for granted its okay, because you let him get away with it

I also wouldn't push DD to see him though, & would say to write to him, but don't say YOU aren't LETTING HER, that could be used against you...simply tell him the truth, DD is in a mess as a result of his behaviour towards her, & SHE is refusing to see him, & as you are so worried by the drastic change in her mental well being, you have no choice but to support her in that.

I would also speak to her School/School Nurse, & find out if there is a School counseling service, I believe most do these days & it would be a much quicker route to get outside support for your DD

Good luck

[Aims80]

Oh the poor little mite.

I agree with the others that you should write to him (and keep a copy) saying you would welcome a formal access agreement so that it is all structured, and that you are also looking forward to the CSA formalising the maintainence payments. Also state in the letter that your daughter seems to be distressed after a recent visit and so you are looking into a counselling session for her (through the school or GP) and would appreciate a discussion with him on the subject.

What a dick!

[tomhardyismydh]

I would just write with the exact paragraph Amis80 has just posted. it is factual to the point and add you have attempted to contact him.

saying you would welcome a formal access agreement so that it is all structured, and that you are also looking forward to the CSA formalising the maintainence payments. Also state in the letter that your daughter seems to be distressed after a recent visit and so you are looking into a counselling session for her (through the school or GP) and would appreciate a discussion with him on the subject.

lave out the dick part though

[Aims80]

ah that was my favourite bit!

[Pixie83]

Beatrix I'm so sorry you and your DD are having to deal with this.

Your DD cannot be forced into a situation where she doesn't feel safe. I would stop contact until you have spoken to a solicitor. Make sure you keep notes in a diary of everything said and done by your ex. If you do not already have residence order it may be worth applying for one, to protect your position and to make it illegal for your ex to take you dd away from you without your permission. In the mean time could you speak to the school to see if they have any in-house counselling services available? Or if no luck there, through your GP?

Sadly 'informal' contact arrangements work very rarely. If times and dates are agreed formally through the family courts (giving you and DD a bit of breathing space in the mean time), hopefully your ex will realise he has to stick to the agreement or have more to answer to than just you alone.

[beatrixkitto]

thanks for all the replies.

I have made a solicitors appointment for Monday and an appointment to see the GP on Wednesday.

She has started to open up a little more this evening (over dinner) and it seems that the shouting and intimidating behavior has been going on longer than I first thought. Turns out this has been going on for quite a while she said that she didn't tell me before as she didn't want me to say anything to him about as he would probably shout at her again and she was scared.

I can't believe that she has been carrying this on her little shoulders for such a long time, I asked her how long she had been scared of her Dad for and she said all her life I have since seen a picture that she has drawn in her little diary of her daddy trying to take her away from me and her saying no. She has now said that Daddy has been asking her recently if she wants to go and live with him (she said this to my DH as i think she didn't want to upset me) she has replied yes Daddy as she thought if she didn't agree he would shout at her again.

I am stopping contact for the time being on her wishes, she is terrified.

I will take the advice of some of you on here who have said to put this in writing and keep a copy, which I will do tomorrow. I really didn't want it to come to this, but it seems I have no choice and will do anything to protect my daughters well-being.

[Onetoomanycornettos]

Oh my goodness, you are doing the right thing by taking this seriously. I am all for fathers' contact but he sounds like he is scaring her a lot and to draw pictures like that is really disturbing. You are doing the right thing taking her to the GP, and getting legal advice, you must protect your interests (whoever said get a residency order was spot on).

[tomhardyismydh]

I would be very carefull at her age of how you are wording your questions as she may answer in a way she may think you want her to, or say anything as she truely does not know the answer her self.

good luck with the appointments.

[beatrixkitto]

tonhardy,

yes i have been very careful, i have told her also that whatever she says to me or my dh we would believe her and back her up and if she wants to carry on seeing her dad then she can, or if she doesn't want to then she doesn't have to.

She sobbed like a baby in my DHs arms at the dinner table, just reeling stuff of that had been happening.

I could kick myself as I just didn't see what has been going on.

[beatrixkitto]

sorry tom not tom!

[beatrixkitto]

onetoomany,

Would you know if I do need to apply for a residence order as he has no parental responsibility due to her age and that we were never married.

TIA

[spiderlight]

Oh, poor little soul to have been bottling all that up for so long :(

[tomhardyismydh]

Im not to sure, is he on the birth cerificate?

I think so if he is but I dont know for sure. if he has no pr then you probably wouldnt

sounds like she just had to get it all off her chest. poor little thing.

just to let you know you will be surprised at to how much you can get into an hours apt with a solicitor. you need to write down all the questions you have and take it with you. maybe take someone else who can take notes whilst you talk.

[ballstoit]

If he doesnt have parental responsibility he has no rights to contact or residency. He would need to apply for parental responsibility through the court, and you would be notified if he had done this.

[ballstoit]

see here

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

[Onetoomanycornettos]

It doesn't sound very leading questioning, if she's that upset.

Sounds obvious, but if he had supervised contact, say at a centre, then surely he couldn't get angry. Although it's difficult through all this to know how scared she is, perhaps she just finds Daddy scary sometimes, even mine can be a bit if one of us really shouts, although this sounds much worse than that.

Ballstoit has good advice, I just wanted to reiterate the importance of getting sound legal advice, I can't offer any myself, not being a lawyer.

[jonicomelately]

I don't disagree with what everybody else has said but be very careful not to be too quick to cut off all contact with her dad.

Is she really scared of him physically even if he is 6'4"?

She may be going through a period of readjustment which is causing her a lot of anxiety but this could be worked through. It may be worse in the long run to try to attempt to cut him out of the picture altogether.

[beatrixkitto]

onetoomany,

No it certainly wasn't. We were literally just chatting and she brought it up herself, she is still refusing to see him, for the next month at least (her words not mine) she refuses to switch her phone on, it is still switched off and on the top of a shelf in the lounge. she really is adamant on this bless her, she isn't 8 till next month! I obviously asked her "what if daddy phones my mobile to speak to you" and I got "don't answer it"

[AllSheepareWhite]

Beatrix sorry to hear about DD, poor thing. You do not need a residency order, she is resident with you already. If she is born before 30th Nov 2003 ExP would have to either reach a parental responsibility agreement with you or apply to court for parental responsibility and residency (which is unlikely to be granted given that she lives with you and doesn't want to live with him). Given your daughters age they would take her wishes into account on any access arrangements.