to not want inlaws interfering all the time?

[Katzia85]

New to mumsnet and was advised to come on here by my health visitor who has seen how down I have been beyond the regular hormonal imbalance emotions. I dont want to sound inconsiderate to my inlaws at all, as I want to live in harmony with them, but it is getting harder and harder each day!!


I am a first time mum to a new son who is not yet 3weeks old. I had an emergency section bringing him into the world and as a result my recovery is more prolonged than had I had a vaginal birth (which is what I wanted!! )
Since I have come home, the inlaws are expecting to be around every hour of every day and it took me getting upset for my partner to finally ask them to go.
When we are visiting, they are all over him (even when sleeping) and it almost feels like when my back is turned they would poke him to wake him up so they can hold him.
They question everything I do, from infracol to breastfeeding (asking me already to express so they can feed him)!!
I am just finding my feet as a new mother and I already have ideas and signs of what my son needs and wants are, and I feel like I am constantly being under pressure to let them do things. Bearing in mind they dont want to do anything for me (like help around house etc) which would be more of a help than them smothering my son.
They make comments about what he wears and question who its from and recently on hearing an outfit was from someone on their side, I was met with "oh I am surprised at that".
The MIL even asked a friend of hers to teach MY son english when he is older!!! I will teach my own son proper vocabulary, I am not an idiot!!
I am getting really down about the whole thing, and so much so I resent going to visit them as I cannot relax and the only time I get rest bite is when me and my son go away for a feed which is glorious!!!
I feel I cannot say anything as it might be taken as rude or cheeky, and i dont want to appear that way, but am finding it more and more difficult to bite my tongue!
I dont want to upset my partner but it is becoming increasingly hard and I feel my whole existence is walking on egg shells, not able to say anything with regards to the wellfare of my son as it will be scoffed at!!
I am also increasingly worried about handing my son over in the future to be babysat by them as they will not listen to my wishes and will do their own thing!! It is a horrible situation and I am blooming miserable at that!!

Thank you in advance xx

[TheVisitor]

Let Momma Tiger emerge. Say what you want to say and tell your DH to sort this out, as they're his parents. He can tell the inlaws when they are allowed to visit and how often. He's YOUR baby and you have the right to who has him, how he's dressed, how he feeds etc.

[Tee2072]

Nip it in the bud now and get your partner to back you up. Any other way lies madness.

[Chil1234]

"I feel I cannot say anything as it might be taken as rude or cheeky"

Listen very carefully. You're that baby's mother, not them. You can be as rude or cheeky as you want to anyone standing in the way of you doing the best for your baby. So stop biting your tongue and treading on eggshells and say what has to be said very, very firmly indeed. Otherwise you'll be steamrollered from here to eternity.

[taintedpaint]

Hi Katzia, welcome to MN. :)

I think you need to have a sit down and talk with your DH over this, given how demaning your ILs seem to be, if they are to curb their controlling behaviour, they probably need to be spoken to by your DH, or you two could present a united front. Make sure you determine what is acceptable to you (prearranged visits that don't happen every day etc) and make your wishes clear on certain things, ie that you don't want snidey comments about your DS's clothes, or your BFing him. It is also not MIL's responsibility to teach (or arrange teaching) your DS to speak (how odd!), so you and DH may want to nip that in the bud right now so this person is not pushed on you.

Congratulations on the birth of your son! :)

[diddl]

I agree that you need to do something to put boundaries in place.

If they don´t respect you then I wouldn´t be seeing them without their son there tbh.

Also wouldn´t express so that they can feed-there´s plenty of other stuff they can do!

Also-if you don´t trust them-they don´t ever have to babysit.

My ILs never did aprt from a couple of hours when I was in hospital havinf 2nd & it was unavoidable as mum was ill & dad didn´t want to leave her.

[Aims80]

This is your husband's area I'm afraid. Sit down and tell him you know they're excited to be grandparents and you want them to be close to your son but explain what you've said above. Hopefully he will understand and cut back their visits and be a bit more vocal when they're interfering..

If he doesn't then a few comments from you will set some boundaries I'm sure. My MIL has been understandably excited about my daughter (now 9 weeks old) and has tried to "advise" me, sometimes helpfully, but I found a few, "thanks I might try that" in reply and then just ignoring her has helped if it goes against what I want to do!!

I've also had to tell my fella to tell them not to visit so much (was every other day.. tooo much) in a NICE way obviously.

[Chil1234]

Is the reference to teaching the baby english some backhand swipe at you being a non-english speaker?

[taintedpaint]

Oh, and just to add, if they do descend on you without warning, don't give them the option of holding your DS to 'help you out', the minute they offer that kind of help, say something like "oh wonderful, you've come to help, that would be great, the hoovering/washing up/dusting needs doing, how kind of you to offer to help us". If they say no, then they can have a cup of tea for 10 minutes and leave. They can't force themselves on you under the guise of helping when they have no intention of actually helping. Horrid attitude.

[giveitago]

Oh dear 0- they are very overexcited aren't they.

Well, you are their mother and as unfair as it is to ask you (just after birth) to tell them what's what, it's only going to happen coming from you or better still your dh.

You're right in that if they are making future plans the longer it goes on the harder it will be. You will need to either make it clear yourself or get your dh to make it clear on behalf of your ds.

I know what it's like and if I had my time again I'd have approached things differently.

Your ds will have a lovely relationship with them in the future. YOu need to sort out your relationship with them soonish.

Congrats on the birth of your ds.

[SenoritaViva]

You have written your post very well and it is not rude or cheeky. You are obviously still concerned about your in laws feelings and that you don't want it to get out of hand or for you to truly say something that is considered unreasonable. I suggest you print your post off and ask your DH to read it through since it is written in a balanced way. Then if you need to talk about it do.

I would then suggest that you both talk to your in laws together - make sure your DH is supportive and that they see you as a united front. I think you need to set some boundaries and say that you need time to get into a routine since you are the primary carer. Decide what is important and annoying you most and be strict about what you expect.

Good luck with this.

[Unrulysun]

Is your partner generally supportive? Are your family not nearby? Do you have supportive friends nearby?

The 'teaching English' and your username made me wonder if English is not your first language and if you might be away from family - apologies if that's not the case.

You may want to post on the breastfeeding forum where all sorts of helpful people will give you help (and ammunition) regarding the expressing etc (it may be useful to tell them that you want to wait to introduce expressed milk because of possible nipple confusion even if you're not worried just to give yourself some space)

[Flisspaps]

There are involved, interested, loving ILs and then there are ILs like this.

Say what you feel. Because if you don't then they will continue to do this. Can the HV speak to your partner and explain to him that she thinks this level of involvement from them is detrimental to your mental health?

They may think that you appreciate the company and they might think that they are being helpful by coming and minding DS for you so that you can get on with some jobs.

If you don't feel up to telling them straight then you could go and have a 'babymoon' with DS - tell them the HV has advised it to aid breastfeeding, then go and sit up in your room with him (with some nice snacks and the TV on) and shut the door. Tell them you are feeding DS and it is important that you are not disturbed. This will at least buy you a few days' peace and quiet.

[Stac2011]

i like the idea of showing dh the thread then talking about it. You are not being cheeky or rude but pil have to listen to you. Let us know how you get on with dh. Congrats on your ds

[SuchProspects]

You really need to make sure your partner knows how you're feeling and get him to support you. Being a new mum can be very tough and very tiring and feeling like you're being pulled from all directions is horrible and not what you need at all.

Your inlaws are probably excited rather than wanting to be interfering. But you need to protect yourself and your baby, your inlaws are not in parenting mode, they're in tourist mode. They need to be taking your needs and opinions more seriously.

You sound a bit like you have a child-adult relationship with your inlaws. It's very common, but now you're a parent you (and your partner by the sounds of it) need to step out of that dynamic and build one that puts you on an equal footing. Otherwise you will not be able to put your own family first.

Don't go round there so much and don't let them come round to you so much. Tell them you've spoken with your health visitor and realized all the visiting is wearing you out. Since you don't like being so worn out you're going to have to slow down the visits to [whatever you do actually feel happy with]. Ask that they don't just pop round without checking.

If they turn up without your prior blessing just say you're very sorry but it's inconvenient at the moment and shut the door.

Be firm and clear, but don't get into arguments. Don't give them excuses that they can argue away. Just say "no" or "I don't want to/like it/etc.". Or "I'm not going to argue with you, I'm sorry you don't like it, but X isn't happening". And when you've found your feet a bit more and regained your strength, you can build up the relationship on your own terms.

It sounds hard when you're tired, and think you just want a quiet life. The thing to remember is to not engage. If they do react badly just leave/put the phone/etc. Worry about it later when you're back on an even keel. It's easier than putting up with all the unwanted pressure.

[KangarooCaught]

You sound at the end of your tether and no wonder. You have been more than gracious. Time to tell you OH that his parents need to back off, you are pleased they so obviously love their grandson but they are not giving you any rest or respite. And if they are not careful you will end up saying something that will offend. HE needs to speak with them. I would suggest one visit a week for an afternoon that includes taking baby for a walk in his pram and then perhaps you can visit for Saturday or Sunday lunch and they can return the hospitality

And welcome to MN

[canyou]

Congrats on your DS, Sorry you are having a tough time.
You are far from rude and cheeky, You are a tired new Mum who needs time alone with her DS.
Would they respect the privacy of your bedroom? If it helps move the TV into the bedroom and spend time in bed with your DS, That time will help you heal [you have had major surgery]. Bring a flask of warm drink, travel mug and snacks and hibernate,
Enjoy your DS and speak to your DH about boundaries and your needs.

[mowbraygirl]

This happened to a friend of mine the IL'S thought it was their right to come around every day like you she had had an emergency CS and was getting used to her new DS. Before DS was born they were lucky if they saw them once a month as they said they were always too busy.

No matter what she or her DH said it fell on deaf ears it didn't help that they had a key and just let themselves in so just couldn't pretend she was out. Her DH did suggest to them if they came around maybe his DM could help with a bit of housework or do the ironing she said that wasn't her job.

She used to be on the phone to me in tears I suggested she locked the door from the inside so it wouldn't open.

Three days later the problem was solved as her husbands key broke in the lock so had to get locks changed and wouldn't give the IL'S a spare key they didn't like it one little bit but solved the situation.

[Slugontoast]

Katzia85 - congratulations on your son.

This needs to be nipped in the bud, otherwise they will think they have tacit approval to continue, and you will resent them more and more.

My ILs behaved similarly, kicking off with coming to stay at our house while I was in hospital as a 'surprise'. I not only resent them but feel ashamed at the way I let them get away with all the things they did, as I wanted to be polite.

Their other DIL just says 'no' to them now - no excuses, just no - and good for her!!

[Katzia85]

Thankyou everyone for your really useful responses.

To clarify and sorry for the confusion, no I am british, native english speaker. The reference to teaching my son English, was implying by my MIL that myself and my partner were almost incapable of teaching our son good english, in order that he has a good vocabulary and is well spoken. I can assure you, I am an extremely educated individual and am more than capable of teaching my child, when the time comes, to speak proper English.

My family are nearby and my mum is great and wonderful at coming and getting myself and my son and taking us over to her house for the day to almost "escape" any intrusion. It is awful that I have to do this.

I am going to try and be firmer yet tactful. I want them in his life and to be close to him, but that will be impossible if they have pushed me away due to this imposing behaviour.

I will try and use some of your advice!! Thanks again everyone

xxx

[bellabelly]

That is good that your own mum is nearby. I'm sure you'll find a better balance soon by being a bit assertive and saying "no" to visits if you don't feel like visiting/being visited. But I wondered if you have ever tried asking for more practical help from your in-laws or are you just assuming they aren't willing to cook/clean etc rather than just cuddling the baby? Would you feel comfortable asking them to be a bit more, well, useful?

PS, I will sound like a pedant now but it's "respite", not "rest bite" .

[belleofbelfastcity]

Hi OP, hope you are enjoying MN and many congratulations on the birth of your DS.

Your post echoes my own post-birth experience - PIL constantly visiting, bringing their friends round unannounced, dropping in with no notice and never offering any practical help, leaving it all to my mum who had travelled from overseas to be with us and who kept saying she felt like she was 'intruding', despite me begging her to stay longer.

My PIL were even waiting outside the delivery room throughout labour (talk about adding to the stress of it all) and came in 10 mins after DS was born to 'have a cuddle' and take photos (before I was even stitched). So a precedent of them trampling on a tired, discombobulated and overly polite new mum was set.

Things came to a head after a few weeks of their selfish behaviour (like you, constant criticism - which had been going on since they found out I was pregnant - of my decisions on feeding, sleeping, clothing) and I ended up writing a very measured but frank letter to them, outlining all the ways they had offended or upset me and that I would not put up with it anymore.

After 2 weeks of hell (mostly as poor DP was stuck in the middle but valiantly took the side of his new family), things have become cooly civil. There is no more 'bluntness' as MIL likes to call her rudeness and I am in control of how they spend time with DS as they are not great at listening to what his needs are (generally put their own wants first). But a confrontation of sorts has worked.

Hopefully your DH will be on your side - your DS is YOUR baby and you decide how your and his lives are to be, especially in these precious and important early days.

Good luck, I really hope you get this sorted out so you are in control.

[TheSkiingGardener]

Welcome to MN. As you can see from all the responses so far it's essential to get the ground rules and boundaries sorted now. Hopefully with your DH backing you up. Get the rules down now and things will be so much better long term, even if it will be awkward short term. They may tantrum, but just treat that as practise for when your newborn reaches 2!

And one of the main things I have learnt on here. "No" is a complete sentence.

Enjoy your newborn and keep posting so we can be nosy help you out.

[researchinmotion]

I can only echo what everyone has said. You need to stand firm.

My exMIL was just like this. I was exasperated when she used to come down and moan that my DD was asleep and could she wake her. When I refused she would sulk and say 'Oh I really wanted a hold, what's the harm?'

My exP was worse than useless and would never say anything when she interfered, even when I asked him to have a word (something that had something to do with out split after years of lack of backbone). So in the end I flipped and said 'For heavens sake, she is NOT a doll you can just come and play with. She has a routine and Ive just got her to sleep.' Her face was and looking back I was probably a bit harsh. But I can tell you after that she never, ever did anything against my wishes if I were in the room.

My DD is now 14 and we've just had our first row since that time I stood up to her and I suspect it may be another 14 years before she challenges me again,lol.

[monkeyflippers]

Everytime they try to tell you what to do just say "I know what I'm doing" or something, in a firm (don't fuck with me) voice. Keep doing it over and over every time.

It's a tricky situation you are in so be strong and assertive and get you DH to have a word.

Don't let them look after you DC as they obviously aren't going to abide by your wishes. If they ask why you could even tell them that. I know you don't want to be rude and I understand that but they need to back off.

You also need to make it clear that you need time to bond and be alone with your baby so you don't want so many visits. Get your DH to tell themt hat you need time to bond as a family and that it's been hard these last 3 weeks with visitors round all day every day.

He has to stick up for you here.

[Katzia85]

I cannot thank you all enough for your responses - all of which have been exceptionally helpful.

Things are beginning to feel abit more in my court now, as I am being assertive, standing by my own needs and wishes. I was constantly being asked when I was going to let them have baby overnight etc, and I told them that when I am good and ready and also require my son to be out overnight to help ME and my partner, I would let them know.

Slowly I can see changes whereby my MIL has actually said "your his mother, you will know what he wants" I thought - YES FINALLY!!

Problem is this MIL treats her son like the KING and he always runs everything by her etc (a habit I am trying to break slightly) aand I think she thought she was going to have similar power over her grandson!!

I am just going to have to stay extremely strong I know and keep the ground rules, always in my side of the court.

Thanks again guys!!

Oh here is one for a laugh.

MIL asks me what we were doing for a christening robe. I said my parents have bought us one, and her response "Is it nice?" to which I replied yes and she said "Oh it wont be as nice as her sons (my partners) his was french" I was like I dont care if it is zimbabwean, my sons will be lovely thank you very much!!!
WHO SAYS THIS SORT OF THING!!