AIBU - to feel wary of my mum's partner

[CJ2010]

After being divorced for 8 years and single for all of that time, my mum met her current partner through work in 2009 and they have been together ever since.

Mum's DP is in his late forties and has always lived at home with his parents. No kids, never married.

To give you a bit of background my Grandad and sister live with my mum in the family home. My sister is in her mid twenties. The whole family, including my DP's folks, think this guy is very strange. He hasn't actually done anything wrong but we all have a feeling of unease about him. He practically lives at my Mum's house and this makes my Grandad and sister feel uncomfortable. When I go to visit my mum with DP and DS, the atmosphere is different, it's like my mum is putting on an act and not being herself (sister agrees)This guy has got his feet well and truly under the table. He is incapable of doing anything around the house and freely admits his aging father does all the household chores at his family home. I just keep thinking 'for fucks sake Mum - wake up!'

The problem that is really bugging me is that Mums DP wants her to sell her house and move to another part of the country, where his brother and family live. They will buy the house together and the plan is to take my Grandad and my sister with them, if she wants to go (she doesn't). But wait for it, his parents will then sell their house and move in with them! The proceeds of their hse sale will be given to Mum's DP and his brother so they can have their inheritance early. So my mum, who works full time will have 3 old people under her roof. All the caring will fall onto her shoulders because this guy is a lazy bastard.

Sounds like a great plan for Mum's bloke but it leaves my family totally fucked. Grandad is getting anxious about it all, Sister feels like she is being turfed out and I lose my mum and DS loses Nanny. My mum is lovely but she is a silly cow and a poor judge of character. She only sees what she wants to see in peps. I do undertand her need for someone and she deserves happiness, but this guy is not right for her. He is just looking for someone to look after him, becasue his parents are getting too old to do it.

I feel that his true colours haven't really come out yet and that there is much more to him than meets the eye. He doesn't really communicate with any of us and Mum's says it's becasue he is 'shy' -bollocks, don't believe a word of it. He strikes me as quite clever and I think he looks down his nose at us all. Whenever I express an opinion about something he just rolls his eyes.
In his eyes we are all irritants/ threats and he just wants my mum all to himself, hence the plan to persuade her to move away.

I apologise for the length of this post. To summarise, my main issues are:

1. Mum moving away and becoming the bosom of another famly, whilst splitting up her own
   

1. The finanacial implications of buying a house with her DP - will this affect my inheritance? Mum's DP is laughing all the way to the bank - he's getting his money early off his folks.
   

1. Distress caused to Grandad and Sister at having to live with two other old folks they have never met! Sister prob wont move with them, so will have to find another place to live.
   

1. I want my mum close as I have a small baby and I really enjoy her company
   

Grateful for any advice.

[RevoltingPeasant]

OP, I started off sympathising but your summary really lost me...

Er, why isn't reason number that you're concerned about your mum's happiness?? Nowhere do I see that you are really worried that she will sell her property and be left skint herself if this guy is a mooch.

'How will this affect my inheritance'.... good God....

[CoffeeMum]

I do think there is a really valid reason for you to be worried here - and that is that your mum is with someone who is not a great catch, and that she will end up as carer to several elderly people. I can really see why this concerns you. We have a family member who is with a really strange partner, and he has caused ALOT of problems within the family.

However, I do think you have to realise that a few of your concerns are [sorry] a little bit selfish. Your mum is perfectly entitled to move away if she likes, and presumably your sister is an adult who can fend for herself and not live with her mum? [sorry if she has additional needs and this is not the case]. Sure, it's lovely for you to have your mum close by, to be nanny to your child, and to help out with childcare, but you are not entitled to this, and many people cope without family close by. So these are things you might just have to live with.

As for concern about your inheritance - unfortunately, your mum is entitled to spend her own money as she wishes. Sorry to be brutal!

But i really do sympathise about your mum's partner - he doesn't sound great, and his eye-rolling at you, and attitude to his elderly father running around after him sound awful. Could you have a chat with your mum and point out the potential pitfalls of this plan? Could you encourage her to protect herself legally and financially?

Either way, you are a good daughter to look out for your mum, and you sound like a lovely close family. Hope my bits of honesty didn't offend

[RevoltingPeasant]

reason number one

[RevoltingPeasant]

CoffeeMum you put it much more sensitively than I did!

[AntonDuBurk]

Did you seriously just call your mum "a silly cow"?!?

[CoffeeMum]

Peasant, i know! But i do feel for the OP, it's bloody awful when a loved family member gets sucked into a disastrous relationship with an undesirable. It's happened to our family, so i felt I had to chime in here.

[nemofish]

OP I wouldn't have put this in AIBU.

I would post again in the Relationships topic if I were you.

Your mother losing all her financial assets, moving away from all of her close family members and becoming a carer for 3 elderly people, 2 of which she will have barely met before is of course a huge concern. And it doesn't make you selfish. I think that you may be misinterpreted in AIBU as I posters may just look at certain phrases, take them out of context and say 'ooooh how horrible you are OP.'

Ignore them.

[narkypuffin]

1. Your mother can move wherever she wants.
   

1. Er, it's your mother's money and she's still alive. None of it is 'inheritance'. She could leave it all to him now if she chose, or the RSPCA or your sister! Once again, it is not your money and you have no claim on it.
   

1. Your sister is mid twenties. Was she ever planning on moving out??? As for your Grandad, he could move with your mother or find his own place. They are all adults.
   

1. Completely understandable. But she deserves to have a life.
   

I can honestly see why you're concerned- the idea of your mother a long way from home quite probably looking after three elderly parents and a home and working full time. With a man who won't help and you don't trust. The problem is that you are also being very selfish which clouds the important issue.

Rather than thinking about your inheritance why don't you try to talk to your mother adult to adult about what she feels and what she wants. After all these years looking after other people does she really want to end with three live-in older people to look after? What if his parents moved near to you, into sheltered accomodation?

[Plumm]

I think you need to sit down with your mum and tell her how concerned you are about the amount of care she will need to give, and how much you and your family will miss her. Try and concentrate on the positives of what she's already got.

[gailpud]

I dont think you are being selfish AT ALL.
I think you have seen right through him!
Well done spotting it.

I think you have been pushed into thinking about the money and inheritance because this is what this is all about.

Its a big financial gimmie gimmie from this bloke. He is looking for a person to take on the housekeeping and caring.

I think you need to present evidence to your mum. Gently though.

She not herself when shes with him.
I think that says it all. Deep down she will know shes not being herself with him.

This bloke has been living at home with his parents until his late 40's. Alarm bells!

She will be a caring for 3 elderly people,
She wont see you, your sister (if she dosent go) and your daughter as much. He dosent do anything to look after himself? Whats good about this situation?

I think anything you can do to make your mum see the light will be good. Get her on her own on a regular basis and talk some tough truths.Point it ALL out to her.
Good luck.

[CJ2010]

Thank you for all your posts - it's been good to hear what everyone thinks.

RevoltingPeasant- Yeah perhaps it does sound selfish of me but I am talking about this in the context of DP. You are right that my mum can spend her money on whatever she likes - it is her money, but I can't bear the thought of our family money somehow finding it's way into another families hands i.e DP's lot. They are talking about getting married...

He is very protective of his money and very cagey, whereas my mum is an open book. She doesn't know how much he has got in the bank, he has reassured her that when they buy the house together he will match her contribution. I want to protect my own if that makes sense, that's all. By that, I mean my family - all of them. He practically lives with my mum, she cooks for him, does all his washing etc and he gives her £40 a week. He doesn't live in the real world.

We live in the South East, sister earns an average salary and is single. It will be hard to find a decent place to live. I s'pose my sense of outrage comes from this guy having the luxury of living at home until he is nearly 50, with everything done for him and now that his parents are getting old and frail, he's figured out a plan to carry on living the good life - my mum.

[OTheHugeManatee]

'AIBU to not want my mum taken for a ride by an ageing cocklodger'?

Nope. I don't think you are at all.

[narkypuffin]

I think you are right to be concerned. Your mother is more likely to listen if you talk about your concerns for her and protecting herself financially.

[nickelbabysnatcher]

"He is very protective of his money and very cagey, whereas my mum is an open book. She doesn't know how much he has got in the bank, he has reassured her that when they buy the house together he will match her contribution. "

this has got to be the biggest reason for concern - if he wants to marry her and have her sell her house and move in together, he can't be cagey about money.

what reassurance has she got that he will match her contribution?
none at all until she knows what money he's got.

[monkeyflippers]

Hmmmm, I think your mum should be made gently aware that she will become the carer to this mans parents. Have you talked to her about it?

That many people living in one house together would be fine if they were all close family but bonkers otherwise! What are the chances of them all getting along? Zero I would say. Especially as 3 are elderly and will be all set in their ways. Could be a bit of a nightmare.

Also not a good idea to combined that many peoples finances as I can't see that turning out well. What if one of the 5 (I've assumed your sister won't go) adults decides at some point they don't want to do it anymore? The house would have to be sold which would be disruptive in particular to an old person who often don't deal with moving house at that age well at all.

Also worrying that this guy has lived with his parents his whole life and is now saying that he wants to continue living with them! I'm sure they are lovely but still.

Your mum will get no privacy and will be a full time carer to 4 people!

The relationship is miving too fast in my opinion as if they are not close enough yet for your mum to know all his finances and he is secretive about it then they are not close enough to be buying a house together.

Also tell your muma bout the rolling eyes. Ask her if she thinks this is a sign of a man who respects you as her daughter.

[CJ2010]

No damge has been done yet - she hasn't put her house on the market, but she plans to do it this year. I'm expecting DC2 later on this year btw.

Should I advise her to speak with a solictior before she buys the house with this bloke? If they are married and she dies first, will her estate pass directly to him? It seems like this could be a legal minefield.

When she does move it's going to be so crap, she doesn't drive so I'll be the one driving to them. He can drive 'but doesn't like to'.

Im worried about Grandad, I think the stress will kill him. Also I didn't mention this in my OP, but Mum's DP likes to 'joke' around with Grandad but IMO he is tormenting him. This does sound trivial but to a frail, elderly person it must be quite upsetting. A while back Grandad happened to mention a singer that he doesn't like - no big deal, but since then Mum's bloke keeps 'joking' about buying Grandad this singers CD. He keeps going on about it and Grandad is getting really wound up. I told my mum to tell her fella to pack it in. He's a total prick.

He barely speaks to me so I must assume he is a bit wary of me. I keep joking about relocating with DP and DS to where they are planning to move to and his face is a picture! I've got his card marked, but feel powerless.

I have tried to talk to Mum about the money side of things but she just brushes it off, she gets defensive.

[theevildead2]

He sounds like a prize.. But you've done yourself no favours wih this

The finanacial implications of buying a house with her DP - will this affect my inheritance? Mum's DP is laughing all the way to the bank - he's getting his money early off his folks

Money is nice but it isn't yours

[MissBeehiving]

YANBU.

Your grandad will also need to have some security as to what happens if he moves and something happens to your mum. Suggest she gets some advice.

[AntonDuBurk]

CJ, yes, I do think you should encourage her to sit down, first with her (D!)P and then a solicitor and consider all the various implications of combining finances.

If they are unmarried, for instance, they can buy as either Joint Tennants or Tennants in Common. Basically, if you think of a cake JT own a whole cake together, TIC each own part of the cake (can be 50/50 or any other %) and can leave that part of the cake to whomever they like. If the aren't married before they buy they will have to make this decision at least. And make their wills accordingly.

Mention of inheritance is an emotive one but, for example, ask your Mum what would happen to your grandad if she gets run over by a bus and her DP/DH owns the whole house. Wouldn't she like him to have some concrete assurance of a home for the rest of his life. Or what if one of her DP's parents need residential care but "their" money is tied up in "her" house? All of this is basic common sense but I know that people "in love" don't like to talk about it.

[FabbyChic]

Should I advise her to speak with a solictior before she buys the house with this bloke? If they are married and she dies first, will her estate pass directly to him? It seems like this could be a legal minefield.

Yes it will unless she makes a will.

[soggy14]

Sounds like your mum is trying to make a life for herself. Your sister is a grownup. why shouldn't she find her own house now? Your mother has a right to find a new boyfriend and then live with him. It doesn't sound like he is being made very welcome by your sister and grandad.

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

Flipping heck.

It sounds like every grown-up in this scenario is used to relying on your mum for your own ends and not one of you is thinking about what SHE might want.

I wouldn't be remotely surprised if she's actually doing this to escape rather than move and the unfortunate thing is her only get-out is the louse of a boyfriend.

Why don't you just sit down with her, on her own and ask her WHY she wants to go. Then perhaps tell her that you, your Granddad and your sister make any changes necessary in order that she might stay.

It's a shame you're thinking in terms of inheritance. My parents are spending "mine", on themselves, which is exactly how it should be.

[TheNorthWitch]

YRNBU at all. Read Sandra Brown's How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before you get Involved which deals with the most frequent types of abusers and I'm sure you'll find your Mum's partner in there. I suspect he's a narcissist, pyschopath or emotional predator. He's after the money and isolating your Mum as it's easier to control her then. These guys are very manipulative and will cause fights within families to break up the target's support system so don't call your Mum a silly cow - she just has no idea what's out there - she needs your support. It's easier for an onlooker to see the abusive behaviour. He will have tuned into your M's vulnerabilities etc., was she lonely, did she feel taken for granted, bored? Try and find out but remember she thinks he's her knight in shining armour so you need to be careful and not make her defensive. His treatment of you and GD is a warning sign and it will get worse when he has your M in his clutches - your instincts sound spot on about him. When he has no further use for your M she will get dumped or cheated on. I know she is entitled to her own life but this has DISASTER written all over it - I don't think she would choose to give all her money to a conman but I strongly suspect that is exactly what she is doing. Google narcissists and pyschopaths - there's loads of info on them (know your enemy)and lovely kind hearted women get involved with them all the time unfortunately.

[onmyfeet]

Yanbu. This guy is all take and no give from what you said.
Hope your mother doesn't loose everything to him.
Maybe they should move somewhere, just the two of them, without any parents/sister living with them? They can rent a home together, and let all the parents/sister stay where they are?
Nobody sells anything. See if this guy is genuine and still wants her without her money and service to care for his parents. Maybe your mom should simply move into his home!

Can they manage the house payments without your mothers financula contribution?


When my mother married for the 3rd time, they both had prenuptial agreements. My mom sold her house and moved in with him into his house. Basically, they kept their estates separate, for their own children, and did not combine their money. If he died first my mom could live in the house until she died, or rent it out if she wished, or move and his kids would get the home. He did have a life insurance policy for her. They split their living expenses, it worked out just fine.
They are now divorced, but nothing to do with money.

[onmyfeet]

*financial