to be dreading weaning with pil around?

[violetmoon]

Mil used to look after dd1 every month or so from around 4 months old which I now think was waay to soon! She would try to feed dd really age innapropriate food, ie, chunks of pineapple, chocolate mousse, pasta and whole rusks (not mushed with milk) at 5 months. (We started weaning at 5 months but only purees) She also once fed her a jar of baby food at about 16 weeks without my consent. I was livid. She apparantly "waited" until her dc were 1 week before giving them baby rice in their bottle. She would give dd whole grapes and fil would play and tip her upside down with them in her mouth. Now they like to try and feed her shitloads of sweets and lollies and chocolate every visit. Sometimes I would be there and tell her not to, sometimes she would do it when babysitting and tell me after.
Am I being precious with food? Its not the same as blw, surely you start off with soft mushy things after 6 months and build from there?! She and my fil NEVER listen to me and may do as I ask the next time we see them, but after a couple of visits pretty much carry on with anything I ask them not to do. Fil also has been banned from giving dd cola (she is 2) and spreading apple sauce all over her dinner then letting her eat it out of the jar. I am currently ebf dd2 as long as possible so they cant babysit/ feed her shit . But what do I do after that? I am not very assertive. (utter wimp!)

[otchayaniye]

Why are they looking after her and seemingly feeding her so many meals?

I don't agree with what they have done I did hardcore blw from 7 months and still b/feed but if they won't listen to you, you'll just have to forego the babysitting if it's that important.

I gave my 1 year old whole grapes (supervised) but she was very good at eating them. I wouldn't tip her upside down (why do they do this, so odd!)

[otchayaniye]

apols for the strikeout.

[otchayaniye]

Oddly, my mother exclusively breastfed me for 8-9 months and only then gave me solids, which I'm guessing is quite unusual.

[HumphreyCobbler]

The grape thing would mean that I would not let them look after her without me.

Coke? FFS.

I don't think that you are precious not to want your DD to eat shit or choke on a grape

[LittleMissHissyFit]

These people have no respect for you, and are not helping they are hindering.

Don't let them care for your DC if they do not follow your reasonable and safe requests.

[theevildead2]

There isn't anything you CAN do if you haven't got the guts to say no to your PIL. Sorry don't want to be harsh but that's the case. You need to tell them that if they can't be truseted they can't have your children alone, and you have to mean it. If you really can't bring yourself to say anything what abou Dh?

[cheezyquaver]

Theres 2 issues here I think.

I do think that your PIL ABU to feed your child food without your consent. Too many sweets are bad for a child. It's not right but if they only have sweets at grandmas and are being looked after by them once a month then i dont think you need to worry too much.

You are being a teensy tiny bit precious. If your child is developed enough at 5/6 months to hold and suck the death out of a breadstick or a chunk of pineapple then I think thats fine. BLW would support that. Weaning is supposed to be done at 6 months but many generations before us have weaned earlier, a couple of weeks before the big 6 months mark isn't really gonna make a whole world of difference.

tell grandma to give her yogurt instead of choc mousse. Tell her to cut grapes in half or quarters, give her breadsticks, sticks of cheese or veg instead of rusks. Say no to jars!

Only you & your DP can resolve this issue. Will DP talk to his folks for you about it? if not then you need to be more assertive and make your views loud and clear-it may upset them for a while but they need to be clear, your child, your wishes.

[MintAeroBar]

Get DP to discuss it with them.

[Cheggerspartypopper]

I wouldn't trust them if they started weaning my child without my consent or feeding them stuff I had expressly asked them not to feed them. They may not agree with your choices, but they should follow how you want your child raised. You have to be more assertive and if you can't you either need to stop them having sole charge of your dc if you don't trust them or have your dp speak to them.

[violetmoon]

You are right evildead2, I need to grow some balls, I am quite shy though and really struggle to asset myself! We visit every week so when we were weaning dd1 they would give her things each visit. I did always say to them, "oh I dont think dd1 is old enough for that," and they would begrudgingly stop, however next week would be the same old story with something equally chokeable. I am nearing the same age with dd2 and I can forsee the same.
I have said to them now dd1 is older, definately no fizzy pop for dd1 and she is allowed one sweet item when we visit. They used to keep bringing more and more sweets out and just hand them straight to dd so I would be mean mummy if I took them off her. I have tried to be more assertive, but they dont really like me any more because of this. I am always too polite if anything, never bolshy in the way I ask. (When we visit they barely say a word to me, merely stating hmm, to everything I say!) You are right, they dont respect me or dh. Think I might cut our family visits to every fortnight and as the babysitting has been cut right down with dd1 anyway. I also am hoping I can just laugh at what they try to give her and say something like, "oh shes far too young for that, dd1 was x months before she had those!" [prays this may work]

[Cheggerspartypopper]

Why are you being so nice to them if they are not reciprocating. Don't worry about hurting their feelings, you have to just say no. Have a go, i bet it's easier than you think and will be less stressful than trying to make a joke about it.

[violetmoon]

Actually I think I will leave it down to dh to have a word like you say. He doesnt like standing up to them but as I say to him, if this was my side of the family I would have to sort it! Im hoping if we nip it in the bud from the start they will be less likely to try and do things their way. Last time I found it really stressful having to pull them up every week about trying to choke my daughter giving her the wrong food and insinuate that mil didnt know what she was doing despite bringing up dc herself, was bound to cause tension.

[charliesmommy]

one fizzy drink, and a few sweets, once a week is not going to do her much harm is it?

[Cheggerspartypopper]

No, but the grape thing is dangerous and a bit weird. It's more the fact that they are deliberately going against what the op wants. I wouldn't want my toddler having a fizzy drink. I don't give them to him and if he had one I would never hear the end of it. I'd be cross if my in laws gave him one if I had specifically a asked them not too, even though I know one is not going to harm him.

[FabbyChic]

I weaned at between three and four months, my kids are 22 and 17. How things change!

[troisgarcons]

surely you start off with soft mushy things after 6 months and build from there?!

Advice changes ..... rapidly ..... My MIL fed condensed milk as it was apparently better than formua as back in the 60's breast was a complete no-go.

15 years ago my No1 was on solids (mushed rusk and banana) at 16 weeks.


OH isn't dead. Neither is no 1 son.

Frankly fizzy pop and sugary treats - personal opinon - should be avoided - simply because they are 'treats' not every day food.

[violetmoon]

Sorry the 6 months thing was more to do with a babys developmetal ability to eat finger type foods. Obviously all babies are different and if I felt dd was able to easily tackle this sort of food then it wouldnt have been a problem! When I said 6 months I meant surely food such as solid rusks etc (which say 10 months on the box) should not be given under 6 months, although soft finger food (toast, bananas, carrots etc,)that can easily be chewed can be given round about that age, ie, when the child is ready and able and work through to more solid things. Anyway I digress, its more the purposely ignoring my wishes and giving dc sweets etc that I get mad at. Its disrespectful and I have compromised with letting them give her one sweet (usually a lolly yuck!), she gets pudding too and other family members do the same so we have the one sweet rule for them too as they do add up over a week if people like to keep treating her. I hate fizzy pop so wont give in on that one!

[zipzap]

I'd pick and choose which battles you fight - grapes can be dangerous whereas at least the chocolate mousse is soft and more like puree, so less of a choking hazard.

If you're shy, why not try being passive aggresive and talking to your child next time they try to feed them something you think is really dangerous - so whole grapes for example 'Oh look dd1, silly billy grannywanny doesn't like you any more, she's trying to choke you with grapes. Maybe if she wants you to carry on eating them sillybilly granny could cut them up into nice halves/quarters and then that would mean that she really does love you'

All in a singsong exaggerated voice so your dd doesn't pick up on it but hopefully granny will. and get your dh to do the same.

And of course if they spin one of them around 'oh look, silly billy grandad is trying to make you choke and be sick all over their nice clean carpet so they'll have a lovely big stinky stain they can look at and remember you by'

And separately print off some reports of accidents that young kids have had with this sort of stuff so if they challenge you on it you can say 'funny you should mention that, but I don't want my dc to end up in the news like these poor kids did'

[violetmoon]

Zipzap, I like your way of thinking . I may try this next visit, I am liking the passive aggressive idea its more my style! May go over their stupid heads though!

[SnowyGonzalez]

Evildead2 is absolutely right. And furthermore, unless you want your girls growing up to be as 'wimpish' as you say you are, you HAVE to start tackling this now as they will follow your example.

I have been teaching myself much the same thing recently. Stood up to bossy SIL the other day, she responded by shutting up and I guffawed inside! What worked was practising out loud what I would say to her in typical situations, until I was happy with WHAT I was saying and HOW I was saying it.

You PIL need to get used to a new version of you - one that knows het mind, knows she deserves respect and isn't afraid to ask for it. It will take time, but you CAN do it.

[theevildead2]

What SnowyGonzalez said makes a lot of sense
Maybe practice in the mirror saying exactly what you want to say. IMagine what PIL will come back with and have that ready. It really won't seem so bad once its all happened. The worst that can happen is they get a bit whiny. If they keep it up you can always say look we won't see you anymore. They WILL learn.

[Longtalljosie]

You need to concentrate on the really important thing. Which is they need to understand, if they understand nothing else, the dangers of feeding babies whole grapes. That's really dangerous, everything else is secondary. Explain that they are the precise shape of a babies' windpipe, and cannot always be removed even with the Heimlich maneouvre. Say you heard someone (in fact there was someone on MN just the other day) say they knew of a toddler who died with a grape lodged in her windpipe, their neighbour was a paramedic and even he couldn't save her

[Bogeyface]

Its nothing to do with weaning really.

Its all to do with respect and boundaries and need nipping in the bud sooner rather than later. The rights and wrongs of certain foods at certain times are a red herring. Its the fact that the PIL refuse to acknowledge the OPs wishes regarder her daughter.

I think a short sharp word along the lines of "I have asked you not to give DD XYZ, so I am disappointed that you are ignoring my wishes again" and keep at it. Ime, they wont like it abd of course you will be unreasonable, but they'll get used to it!