Dealing with partner's nasty ex girlfriend.

(532 Posts)
chloeloveshim Mon 03-Jan-11 22:44:13

Partner and I have been dating for 9 months. He moved in with my DS, 7 and myself quite quickly and AFAIC, it's going okay.
I know my partner has some issues surrounding feelings of insecurity, but most of his issues were caused by her treating him so badly for years. He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together.

One of the situations he has struggled to deal with is that of his ex girlfriend.
Partner and ex girlfriend have a 2yr old DD and tbh she is crazy!! A real loon.

She made it difficult for him to see DD, but since I met him, XGF took him back to court shock and agreed to let him see DD at weekends.
XGF has since behaved very oddly and I'm not sure where we go from here.
A selection of her behaviour is: Attempting to tell me he is a thief/liar/cheat. Partner has told me XGF has begged him to go back to her, so I can only assume she is trying to put me off, but it hasn't worked, I'm prepared to stick by him. smile
She has told me my DS probably hates him (DS adores him) and that he will only get me into lots of debt (I pay my own way, unlike herself.)
She complains Partner doesn't pay maintenance (He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay) then she said he stole money from her. (Where will it end?)
Partner and I noticed DD had a few bruises on her body, her inside lip was cut, and she had a cut on her head, so we reported XGF to Social Services. They have carried out a full investigation. Partner doesn't trust them though (you hear the stories in the news of them getting it wrong) so Partner also made a report to the doctor about DD development.
Now nutty XGF wont disclose who DD's optician is, even though Partner has every right to know.
We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case.
Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it. I am just trying to support my Partner. She has led him a rough ride, and I am more than happy to help him.
I do not class myself as getting involved, I am just supporting my Partner as best as I can. (He would like full custody and I believe he is a good dad to DD) I have also written a few letters to XGF (from Partner of course, but he is terrible at letter writing), have answered his mobile when he does not want to speak to her, and we chose to put her hair in French Plaits, which Nutty XGF says is too much too young. confused DD looked beautiful.

I don't think XGF is a good mother. She shouts and swears in front of DD, doesn't appear to care about her very much, and smokes. (I have seen all of this with my own eyes btw).

It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all.)

How do we proceed from here? We can't afford a solicitor, but she is taking our written word to the ludicrous extreme.

What do we do to make her understand that we will not tolerate her abusiveness and total lies about Partner, and to see it is for the best for the forseeable future for Partner to see as much of DD as she does. (Partner very hurt about this.)
We have proposed to her in writing that DD lives with us for a week, then her, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling, but again, she has not responded to our request.

How do I get through to someone so stubborn and unreasonable?
I want the best possible life for her DD, and I know that is with me and my Partner.

Maybe I am just ranting, I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me and my Partner??

Sassybeast Mon 03-Jan-11 22:47:32

Perhaps him getting a job and paying some maintenance might be a starting point ?

I dont really have any advice as Ive never been in your situation..but he isnt paying maintainance because he hasnt found a job that suits? IDGAF how crazy an ex is..he chose to have a kid with her and the kid is his responsibility..she should have a job doing anything..even licking toilets clean..if he has to just to make sure his DD is provided for..

And quite frankly I feel a little sorry for her..theres you and him and your little family after only 9 months calling SS on her when she is probably doing the best she can but ye want to take her DD away from her..Id be pissed at you too.

chloeloveshim Mon 03-Jan-11 22:52:54

XGF has given his details to the CSA recently, so they will sort that out now. XGF only spends the money on cigarettes and gambling anyway, so understandably, Partner is reluctant to help her anymore than necessary at the moment.

We buy DD anything she needs while she is with us, but Partner, understandably does not want DD to take it home to XGF's.

pooka Mon 03-Jan-11 22:53:20

Yes that might be a start.

Not reporting her to Social Services would be a good one too. Did you ask her what had happened to your partner's dd before getting in touch with them? At the moment our dc3 has about 3 bruises on his head and a cut, and a scab on his knee. He seems to be magnetically attracted to doors and trouble generally (16 months).

pooka Mon 03-Jan-11 22:53:48

That might be a start referred to him getting a job and paying maintenance.

coldtits Mon 03-Jan-11 22:54:05

Maybe your partner should start living up to his financial responsibilities as a father?

TBH I would listen a little more closely to what the ex has to say about your partner.

As for your interfering (writing letters, answering the phone and restayling your partner's daughter's hair after only 6 months of knowing her IS incredibly interfering) - why don't you STOP interfering and see just how much parenting gets done by your partner, and just how much negotiating and comprimising comes from your partner ... and while you're at it, wait and see how long it takes him to TRY to get a job.

From what you've written, all I can glean is that your partner hasn't contributed to his daughter's life other than to make her mother's life harder, and now you're helping him to do that.

DitzyLiz Mon 03-Jan-11 22:54:06

Im sorry but from the sounds of your post it appears the exGF has every right to be frustrated with your partner and I think that you are probably being fed a very one sided story by him.

HerBeatitude Mon 03-Jan-11 22:54:31

How do you know that everything he says about her is lies?

He hasn't found a job good enough for him to support his child?

He sounds a real catch.

How old are you and how old is he?

Does he smoke?

He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay

Sorry you lost me here. It all sounds very childish on all your parts TBH. You have been with him for under a year yet you seem to think it's your job to write letters on his behalf? Eh? He also sounds a bit of a knob - insecure, problems with authority, terminally unemployed...fuck sake. You also reported her to social services? Now I work for social services but I would say I hope you had more evidence than what you describe to have referred her for a child protection investigation! And she shouts and smokes...shock

I'm sure she's petty and irritating, but you are not the child's mother, or even step mother after such a short time, Your 'partner' needs to man up and communicate directly with her himself, leave you out of it, and get a fucking job.

pooka Mon 03-Jan-11 22:55:18

Why does he not want dd taking things home? If he isn't paying maintenance, things must be pretty tight? He's willing for his dd to go without to point score?

Sassybeast Mon 03-Jan-11 22:55:57

You've swallowed his lines hook line and sinker haven't you ? How long before you and he have a baby of your own ? And then YOU become the crazy ex ? Read your posts back and take a long hard look at the situation.

chloeloveshim Mon 03-Jan-11 22:55:58

wheresmejumper, We are thinking of DD, if you knew a child was being neglected, how long would you wait until you involved prof services?
We will not feel DD is safe and properly cared for until she is living with us.

KangarooCaught Mon 03-Jan-11 22:56:10

I'm afraid that you are only hearing one side of the story.

Any man who has problems with 'authority figures' (read: police), is fussy about what work he does when he has a child to support, has accusations of theft levelled against him, possibly left debt behind, and reported the mother of his child to SS doesn't sound like a good man.

And you label the ex nutty? Possibly only made so by him.

You be careful and ensure he does not wrack up debt in your name/against your home.

BooBooGlass Mon 03-Jan-11 22:57:11

always beware a man who calls his ex a loon. It says far more about him that it does her. And why did you move him in with you and your son so quickly? I bet he thinks he has it made.

HerBeatitude Mon 03-Jan-11 22:57:24

Sorry I mean how do you know that everything she says about him is lies

Ah come on he is feeding you bull abput how she was.."she only spends the money on cigarettes and gambling"???How the hell do you know that? Is her DD malnourished? Is the leccy/heat switched off?Does she have a roof over her head?clothes on her back? Yes??Then no she doesnt just spend her mnoney on cards and lottery tickets..

gordyslovesheep Mon 03-Jan-11 22:58:40

she has every right to tell you to keep out of it - it's nothing to do with you

he sounds delightful

HerBeatitude Mon 03-Jan-11 22:59:00

Why was he with a loon?

Why did he have a child with a loon?

Are you supporting him?

When you say "we buy her everything she needs when she is here", do you mean that you buy her everything she needs - that it comes out of your wages (because he hasn't got an income, has he)?

TarheelMama Mon 03-Jan-11 22:59:17

"He has not found a job that suited him for long enough to pay"

Did he move in quickly so that you could support him? Sorry but that line throws up big red flags.

You reported her to SS and then refuse to speak to her. I'm not surprised she's stopped communicating with you.

iloveyankees Mon 03-Jan-11 23:00:21

I feel it's a bit harsh you calling SS, my kids have always got a bruise or cut on them but it doesn't mean I hit them! my 4 yro daughter had a bump on her head and cut her lips open after she decided to slide head first down the stairs lol

I can't see how you can say she will only spend the money on gambling etc because who pays for feeding her, clothing, making sure she is warm etc. It certainly isn't your OH. I don't mean to sound harsh but the reason you gave for your OH not to get a job is BS. I would do any job if it going towards looking after my child

macdoodle Mon 03-Jan-11 23:00:51

You want to take her DD off her and play happy families, I'd be fucking furious at you and totally nasty as well, you and your "D"P deserve each other!

emmyloulou Mon 03-Jan-11 23:00:51

Who the fuck do you think you are?

You have known him 9 months and have already shacked him up with you and the kids.

How do you know what he says is all true and what she does is all false. You don't know him.

Now wonder she can't stand the sight of you both, you both sound utterly toxic, start by butting out of her dc's life.

And no ye dont have her best interests at heat..her best bet is to be with her mother not with a "man" who wont get up off his arse and get a job to support his kid bit would rather shack up with someone who he barely knows and get her to do his dirty work for him..

You should probably listen to her story there is probably a grain of truth in there..

StrawberryMouse Mon 03-Jan-11 23:02:30

Be careful! This little girl is not your daughter, she is dp and his ex's and you have obviously upset her with your actions. I think you need to back off, particularly as you have not even been with him that long and cannot possibly know what actually happened between them. Also, if your partner is unable to afford to pay maintenance, how is he going to afford to support said little girl if she were to come and live with you? Just a thought.

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