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AIBU?

to think my son should be allowed to keep/do as he wishes his presents...

25 replies

twinkletweeter · 03/01/2011 19:37

DS2 is 8. I separated from his dad before he was born, all amicable, both moved on, has always had and wanted contact has always paid maintenance.

My issue is this; Every Christmas and birthday he is given a separate load of presents which he is not allowed to bring home with him Hmm. Today he returned with one small gift that he was allowed to choose to bring home here. He spends two weekends a month with his dad and stepmum and his 3 yr old brother is then allowed to play with his toys when DS2 isn't there. I feel this is a massive waste of money as he only gets to play with these things twice a month and I feel that its really unfair to my son who is being given gifts which aren't really his.

To top this his paternal grandmother also does the same, insisting he keeps her gifts at her house, when he rarely sees her.

I can understand this with large things such a a bike but I bought my elder two a DS this year and DS2 already had been given one at his dads so I was reluctant to buy another one - eventually DS2 went on about it and phoned his dad about it so much he was allowed to bring it here and takes it with him when he goes back.

They do the same with clothes. He doesn't take anything I offer with DS2, just the clothes he is in and then he stands at the door on a Sunday night while he waits for DS2 to change out of the clothes he has been given so he can take them back to his. Today DS2 was panicking as he still had a pair of trainers and a (Christmas) jumper on from his dads that he has forgotten to take off.

Its getting to the point now where I feel its a) unhealthy and b) upsetting my DS2 and I wonder if AIBU to say something....?

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mazzystartled · 03/01/2011 19:42

Poor kid, being worried about wearing his own clothes.

I have no experience of shared custody but this strikes me as flaming ridiculous behaviour on the part of his father and grandmother.

Would they listen to reason if you explained that it is making DS2 unhappy.

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curlymama · 03/01/2011 19:46

He has to stand on the doorstep and change his clothes? Hmm

You need to stop this now. There may be not much you can do about the presents, although I would try. I understand your situation because I know I feel a bit gutted when on Christmas day my ds's want to take something I have given them to their Dad's when I was looking forward to playing it with them, but it's tough really! Like you say, I gave them a present, they can do what they want with it (within reason obviously!)

I'm shocked about the clothes thing though.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 03/01/2011 19:47

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twinkletweeter · 03/01/2011 19:49

I don't know. They didn't used to be quite this bad but over the years it seems to have got a bit bloody weird tbh and I'm not sure how to approach it Hmm

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StewieGriffinsMom · 03/01/2011 19:52

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twinkletweeter · 03/01/2011 19:52

No his dad stands on the doorstep while DS2 changes Hmm

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CarGirl · 03/01/2011 19:53

Can you trying writing/dropping and email saying that ds is getting really stressed over it and would it be possible if this rule was dropped? You could state that you are quite happy to remind/help ds to pack particularly stuff to bring back with him on his next contact visit?

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geordieminx · 03/01/2011 20:14

My ex used to have his 2 boys every other weekend, they had clothes at ours as their mum wouldn't send them, but we just got them changed before they went home, into the clothes they came in if that makes sense?

Regards to the toys, I guess all you can do is speak to your ex, explain how sad it's making your son, see if you can appeal to his better nature?

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MsHighwater · 03/01/2011 20:19

A gift becomes the property of the recipient. Your ds is not being allowed the privileges of ownership of things that are meant to be his property. If things are amicable with your ex, can you speak to him and find out what is behind it?

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Bonkerz · 03/01/2011 20:29

My dsd has clothes here and lots of belongings here too but then we see her every weekend and half of all holidays, she has always changed her clothes before going home and all her presents at christmas and birthdays stay at ours for her. Its always been like this. She has 2 of some things (at ours and her mums) but has never seemed bothered by this at all, we do however make sure that HER stuff is not touched by her sister and brother when she is not here!

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MissQue · 03/01/2011 20:35

I'm divorced from dd's father, but if she chooses to take a toy to his house with her, or vice versa, she is always free to do so. I would draw the line at a small number of items, but clothing and most of her toys can go wherever she is.

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katiestar · 03/01/2011 20:45

I think you are jealous of the toys your ex is buying your DS.I think it is perfectly reasonable for him to keep them there so he has stuff to play with at his dad's.
Why is that so hard for your DS???
Don't understand

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MissQue · 03/01/2011 20:48

I think that a child getting distressed because he is wearing 'dads house clothes' at mums house is pretty rotten, they're his clothes!!

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katiestar · 03/01/2011 20:53

Trust me a normal 8 yo boy would not get distressed about changing his clothes before he came home, unless someone has put the idea in his head that it is distressing.

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zukiecat · 03/01/2011 20:53

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StewieGriffinsMom · 03/01/2011 20:55

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ChasingSquirrels · 03/01/2011 21:00

every other friday my ds's get changed out of their school clothes before they go to their dad - so that he doesn't build up a glut of school clothes there, which was happening.
If we have been out and are in a rush and they haven't changed I say "they haven't changed" and give him another change of casual clothes, and he brings the school clothes home when he brings them home.
DS1 (8y) knows why he gets changed (as above) and STILL gets pissed off with it (not with the idea as a concept - but with the having to bother doing it).

Making children change out of normal everyday clothes into normal everyday clothes just to go to a different house really feels very controlling.
I could understand it if the child always turned up in too small, ripped etc clothing that the other parent was replacing with decent clothing that they never saw again, but in any other circumstance I just don't understand what it is about.

Toys - I see both sides of.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 03/01/2011 21:05

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MsFC · 03/01/2011 21:09

I can see both sides TBH. I am fed up of sending a bag of clothes to ExH, and then it coming back with something missing or torn every time. For this reason I don't let him take his DS to his Dads, in case it gets lost or broken.

Any toys he gets from his Dad I expect to stay there TBH, he has enough stuff here. What does annoy me is that some presents (like a trampoline) will get used by his step brother when he isn't there.

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PinkIceQueen · 03/01/2011 21:11

I understand toys, as this happens with my children, and as a previous poster said, they have 2 of some things. But clothes? Poor child, if they want to keep his clothes, I would insist he gets changed at their house before return journey.. surely he doesn't get changed into "dad's clothes" before he leaves yours?

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blackeyedsusan · 03/01/2011 21:12

I can understand ex keeping some of the expensive toys, like bike computer games etc, but making a child stand on the doorstep and get changed is, well, a bit humiliating. could you ask ex to stop the dsc playing with his things/ changing him before he comes home/ letting him bring home some of the smaller stuff, appropriately labelled dad's house if necessary to make ex feel better as a compromise. Of course as ds gets older, i would expect more stuff to be moving to and fro. But that is just my opinion and I may think differently if I was in your situation.

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spybear · 03/01/2011 21:13

We have to send DSS home in new clothes every
Other wend as he comes in his sch clothesand we
Can't send him home on a Sunday in them.

Can't you send him with a change of clothes so he can wear them home again and doesn't have To get changed

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twinkletweeter · 03/01/2011 21:15

I have a good job and always make sure my kids clothes fit and are in good condition so it's not the case of him replacing bad clothes or anything and I am also not jealous of the toys my sons dad get him as I am capable of buying him nice gifts myself. some things are handy to be duplicated but not some things, it seems a bit crazy for him go have 2 of everything.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 03/01/2011 21:18

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HaveAHappyNewJung · 03/01/2011 21:27

That's really unfair on your DS. And it's weird, because I'd expect it to be a way of getting back at you, but you said it is an amicable relationship between you two.

I have to admit to wishing that we could keep some of the DSDs' things here, for the following reasons:

  • clothes: dsd2 is really unconfident and never wears nice clothes even though she wants to. Their mum takes advantage of this and gives her all HER old clothes that frankly my elderly nan wouldn't be seen dead in. I would love to keep some decent clothes here, but when we do buy her stuff (of her choosing) we send it home with her, even though we know it won't get used a lot :(


  • educational stuff: there are loads of things we'd love to get for them that would help with school but their mum takes zero interest in their education and it means buying these things would be pointless because they'd never get used.


Sorry bit of a rant there.

You need to talk to your DS, does your ex know how much this weird rule could affect him?
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