To not invite my dh's toxic parents to our christening?

[WWBsKnickerElastic]

I have told him (given the long and complex history/baggage) that it would be better if he didn't invite them and said nothing and kept shtum.

Dh, bless him, has a very chequered history of not anticipating just how awful his parents are when it comes to family/group outings- he has in the past invited them only for it to be carnage afterwards. If his parents don?t get their every whim catered to- or if his parents aren?t able to then invite about 20 of their own friends and family then it is a long and drawn out agony. It really is all about them, they are terribly attention seeking and FIL especially will say very nasty things to get an argument going- he is a scholar don?t you know and loves a good debate

They are not religious in any way- which is fine as half the guests coming aren?t either but they are at least respectful of our wishes. I expect FIL to start his usual rant about how the jews are taking over the world (oh yes)

I am rambling. I know my dh very well and am convinced that he?s not saying anything to me now and will do a spectacular u turn a day or two before the christening and tell me they are coming.

Dh has even suggested that he tell his parents we are having the do and that they aren?t invited because he know s they aren?t church goers or interested in these occasions.

This is a big deal to me and I have my beloved family coming over from abroad I?d be so upset if they tainted it.



Is there another way that I?m not seeing?

[theevildead2]

I'd put my foot down, he can invite his parents- or you can go. But both won't be at the christening.

[WWBsKnickerElastic]

Given the past, I don't think it is going too far is it? They couldn't control our nuptuals either so they put their foot down and didn't attend!

My family say I am too forgiving because of my dh but I cannot forgive them for hurting my dh so much on that day .

[CarGirl]

Perhaps you need to rerun through the wedding day situation with your dh to remind him why he will regret mentioning it to them?

[pippop1]

Easy. Tell them you are considering converting to Judaism (I'm Jewish) so you won't be sure until the last minute whether the ceremony will go ahead or not.

Joking......but it would be fun.

[WWBsKnickerElastic]

I have already done that. I get told (nicely) that is the past.

[activate]

Well as they decided not to go to the wedding I think it is a fair assumption that they won't go to any big event in your family life - surely

I would also make it clear to DH that if he invites them you will not go and neither will your child so it won't be any kind of christening

[CarGirl]

Does you dh want your dc christened?

[WWBsKnickerElastic]

He was not keen on any of our children getting christened(so as not to upset his parents) but over the years he has seen how upset I am that all my family (including me)and thier children have gone through with the ceremony and attended church and how much it means to me.

So he's happy for it to go ahead.

[CarGirl]

Tricky one.

You don't need to have a big party/event to have them christened though the important bit is the service IYSWIM

[Memsahib]

As someone who has had her fair share of issues with her own family (DHs are for the most part lovely) I would guess he's probably relieved for you to say what you have; given the issues over your wedding....I hope you have the same issue with the christening! FYI my parents refused to attend my wedding for the same reasons as his, ie not what they thought proper or wanted, and to be truthful although it hurt, my biggest feeling was one of relief! Best day of my life and I didnt think of them once on the day apart from to thing 'thank god they're not here'!
Hope it works out!

[WWBsKnickerElastic]

It isn't all about a big party I live away from all of my family. Only three godparents and my mum and dad at the ceremony. Afterwards (because we have family coming over from all over Uk and Europe) we'll all be together for the first time in 10 years! It won't be a glittering affair, 50 people tops, the thought of PIL kicking off makes me feel sick.

The thing is, and this is where things get tricksy. PIL now tolerate me and because of the children try to elbow into anything and everything to do with them. If it were a birthday party for me they'd be sorting out their wash pile or cleaning the skirting boards.

We've had PIL wranglers before who gave up after about 30 minutes tops, came over to me, embraced me ernestly and suggested a career with the UN.

[CarGirl]

I would have the christening and the party on seperate days.

They are invited to the christening, not to the family reunion.

[WWBsKnickerElastic]

Why didn't I post on AIBU a few weeks ago!
Everything is now booked and dates committed to.

[CarGirl]

Surely you could change the christening date to the day before, it doesn't have to be part of a main service, or the evening before the party???

[Memsahib]

Hang in there! I'd go with inviting to neither.
I may be being naive, or just plan horrible, but put your foot down. It will only get worse if you don't.
I have hardly any contact with my parents, and frankly the sanity it gives me is incredible. At times like these, I especially found myself parenting my parents. Given you have relatives and friends coming from overseas etc I think you have even more reason to exclude them. My wedding was about the size of your planned christening - I wish you well in having what you want!

[CarGirl]

I don't think YABU not wanting them there but if your dh doesn't support you in that then I think you need an alternate plan, MadamDeathstare's one sound workable?

[WWBsKnickerElastic]

I really appreciate all of your suggestions and I am madly trying to process them all

The only date I could get for the christening (through fear of my dh changing his mind!)is this sunday.

It is quite late 3pm.

We then have a friend whose father has an amazing barn that we've given him money to rent out for the afternoon for tea and grub.

There's no opportunity for a sneaky lunch after and they'd be hanging around after the ceremony asking everyone to come back to their house or asking what the plan was for after in between criticizing the venue/my dress/Italians. Do you get my drift?

IABU to tell dh not to say anything at all?

[Pancakeflipper]

I had my children christened this year. My DP and I had long debates about inviting my parents. This is because my mother and I have a pants relationship. She also hates God and I don't. And I could not face a day of her loud remarks and sheer shittiness only every single thing.

In the end we invited her because the other Grandparents were attending. And I wanted my Dad to be there because it was going to be a brilliant service. It was superduper except for my mother but the Minister's wife played a blinder and sweetly wrongfooted my mother.

So I would not invite them. It was stressful enough in my situation and I had warned all the congregation ( we didn't have a big party after because I couldn't face it - we had cakes and drinks at church after). Your situation - arghhhhh. It's not worth the stress. Be selfish - put your family first. You know God will get it.

[Memsahib]

Pancakeflipper - I salute you! WWB etc its tough, but worth it in the long run! Be selfish!

[CarGirl]

I would speak the minister/vicar and ask if he could do the basic ceremony on Saturday afternoon instead - worth a try?

Sounds awful but what can you bargain with your dh over about not inviting them?

Alternatively ring them Sunday morning and do a last minute invite?????

I can't see a great solution tbh.