mum not going to my brothers wedding

(156 Posts)
scruffybird Wed 29-Dec-10 14:11:43

Is my mum being unresonable to not go to my brothers wedding?
Ok background info, my brother has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship who since he was very young has spent most weekends at my parents house with my brother seeing him for a few hours over the weekend.
My brothers current partner wants nothing to do with my nephew and tries to make it as difficult as possible for my brother to see his son. They have two boys together both under 2 and are hoping to get married next year. My mum asked if his older son would be invited and my brother went quiet, to which my mum replied "If he isn't invited then I will not be there".
Also I am then torn because do not want my brother to have no close family there but also don't think its right to not invite his son.

whatdoiknowanyway Wed 29-Dec-10 14:14:41

Your mum is definitely not being unreasonable.
I wouldn't go. Your poor nephew.

borderslass Wed 29-Dec-10 14:14:44

No she's NBU anyone who puts a new partner before their children isn't worth it, a parent and child is a package.

arentfanny Wed 29-Dec-10 14:15:56

YOur mother is definitey NBU.

sue52 Wed 29-Dec-10 14:16:08

I can't imagine a father excluding his own son from his wedding. I think your mother is entirely justified.

SkyBluePearl Wed 29-Dec-10 14:16:32

the nephew really should be at the wedding - why is your brother not standing up for his son?

Personally I think your brother is behaving appallingly. Thank god your nephew has your mum to love him.

Needanewname Wed 29-Dec-10 14:18:09

I think your bothers wife to be sounds horrendous, your mum is doing the right thing, good job your nephew has someone to support him seeing as his own father doesn't

BitOfFun Wed 29-Dec-10 14:18:25

Your brother is behaving like a spineless twat. I don't think you should go either.

usualsuspect Wed 29-Dec-10 14:19:43

Your mother shouldn't go and neither should you

scruffybird Wed 29-Dec-10 14:20:07

My brother wants him to be there but his partner does not.
She regularly phones him when he is with his son threatening to leave him etc.
I don't think she was like this when they first got together and has got worse now that they have two small children together and now expects my brother to spend any time he is not working with them.
Don't live near them so I get told all this from my mum.

flippinggorgeous Wed 29-Dec-10 14:20:21

Your brother is a terrible father and his new partner seems a right cow. Why don't you and your mum take his son to Disneyland on the day of the wedding? Poor kid, thank goodness he has you and your mum.

overweightnoverdrawn Wed 29-Dec-10 14:20:25

I think you should not go to the wedding if his son is not invited. I think he is marrying bridezilla its as if shw wants his first child to dissapear and to have never existed . Hope to god bridezillas kids are nerver in this situation .

lorelilee Wed 29-Dec-10 14:21:23

I'm with your mum on this one. What kind of 'man' would give up his son for anyone?

APixieInMyMulledWine Wed 29-Dec-10 14:21:34

YANBU and neither is your mum.

How awful for your nephew.

I have a 9yr old Dss and 2 of my own with dp and I would never dream of leaving him out of something as important as our wedding.

He is family, he was part of the family before i came into the picture and that is where he'll always be.

Your brothers girlfriend sounds lovely hmm

compo Wed 29-Dec-10 14:21:35

That is really shocking
your brother and current partner sound horrendous
your poor nephew sad
how can someone just abandon there own child like that
I wouldn't go to the wedding yourself let alone your poor mum
your brother is an arse

ChaoticAngel Wed 29-Dec-10 14:21:35

If anyone is being unreasonable it's your brother's current partner angry

I don't think I would make a good stepmother so I made the decision not to get involved with a man with children. If your db's g/f didn't want to become a stepmother then she shouldn't have got involved with your db. I also think your db is being unreasonable in not standing up to his g/f and insisting that his ds is part of the family.

So, no, I don't think your dm is being unreasonable in not going to the wedding, someone has to stand up for that poor little boy sad

Btw, I know you feel torn but I don't think you would be unreasonable not to go because your db is an adult while his son is a child but, equally, I wouldn't judge you if you decide to go either.

nickelbabyjesus Wed 29-Dec-10 14:21:37

I can't believe his new partner would stop him seeing his own son. confused

i can't understand why any parent would do that to a child?

and no, your mum is not being unreasonable.

QuintMissesChristmasesPast Wed 29-Dec-10 14:22:23

No, your mother is not unreasonable.
You should not go either.

If I were you, I would tell your brother in no uncertain terms that if his son is not welcome in his life, then you wont be in his life either.

clairefromsteps Wed 29-Dec-10 14:23:01

I read the title to this post and tried to think of what possible situation could keep me away from my own son's wedding. Then I read your post and realised your mum is NBU. In fact, I think the question should be not so much 'Is my mum being unreasonable?' as 'Why is my brother being such a complete bell end?'

Poor you - rotten situation to be in, torn like that. Hope it all resolves itself.

sue52 Wed 29-Dec-10 14:23:55

How can she behave like that to a child? I would stay away from your brothers wedding as well if I were you. He sounds useless.

Lulumaam Wed 29-Dec-10 14:24:02

so, the new partner, who he is getting married to, wants nothing to do with his son, to the point of excluding him from the wedding? and what does your borther think will happen after the wedding? that she'll learn to love his son.. or she'll carry on excluding him to the point your brother has to choose.. and he sounds like he would choose her.

vile behaviour from both of them.. that he would marry a woman who would deny his son

your brother needs to man up and put his son first

your mother is doing absolutely the right thing and taking a stand, i hope it forces your brother to look at his actions and her behaviour

PinkElephantsOnParade Wed 29-Dec-10 14:24:20

Poor kid. Glad he has your mum to stick up for him, your brother sounds an awful dad.

My DSIS had a tantrum just before her wedding and banned me from her wedding. I was 16 so not a kid like your poor nephew.
My mum told her that if I was banned then she would not go. And she meant it. DSIS backed down.

Parents should stick up for their DCs. Personally, I think that your DB is betraying his DS by even marrying this poisonous woman, but banning him from the wedding is unforgivable.

compo Wed 29-Dec-10 14:24:59

I'd ring brothers girlfriend and tell her she's a bitch

SugarMousePink Wed 29-Dec-10 14:25:04

I'm with your Mum on this one.

She's a bitch for not accepting the fact that he has a son from a previous relationship and trying to stop him from seeing his son. How would she feel if they split up and his new partner does this to their two kids?

He's a twat for marrying her in the first place. I cannot imagine even being in a relationship with someone who treated a child like that. He is allowing this to happen.

It will all come home to roost in years to come though, when his firstborn is old enough to realise what's going on and if he has any sense will want nothing to do with his 'father' at all.

taintedsnow Wed 29-Dec-10 14:26:32

Your brother honestly sounds like an ineffective and spineless moron who is incapable of being a decent father. His DP sounds like a jealous, childish, brainless twat. What a dumbass pairing they make.

Your DM is entirely reasonable in taking a stand and if I were you, I'd be standing right next to her. If your brother wants a close family member there with him, the first one in mind should be his DS.

What a horrible situation though. Harsh as my comment is, I do feel very sorry for you and your DM.

thumbplumpuddingwitch Wed 29-Dec-10 14:26:39

Your mum is definitely NBU. Good for her, standing up for her DGS when his own father seems unable to do so. If she went to the wedding, it would be the ultimate betrayal - the people who have stood in loco parentis to him for so long siding with his utter letdown of a father. She is absolutely right.

As for you - you have to make your own decision on this. But quite frankly, I wouldn't want to go and help "celebrate" his union with such an insecure bitch. (no apologies for language - anyone who tries to stop a father being a father to all his children has a major problem) Let's hope it doesn't come back and bite her on the arse, hey - whenever they split up and he gets another new woman who doesn't want him to see his 2 DC he has with this one.

angry for your nephew - really very angry.

scruffybird Wed 29-Dec-10 14:27:18

You are all right. I was shocked when my mum first told me and hopefully when invites are sent out he will get one. But as he has never even been round their house I doubt it.
My brother does see him every weekend all be iit not for long and gets a shit time from her because of it. I think he would have walked away from her if he didn't now have two children with her.

CubaCat Wed 29-Dec-10 14:27:23

OMG, that is appalling. Your brother needs to put his foot down - this is his son ffs! Why on earth is he marrying someone who tries to stop him seeing his child and threatens to leave him because he spends time with him?! His son is also their DC's half brother, so she is also denying her kids a relationship with their half brother, when they could have a lovely, happy family. She sounds like a jealous fruitcake. If I were him I'd call her bluff and tell her to leave if she doesn't like it, then put plans in place to see a solicitor so he can get a decent custody arrangement for his kids with her. I hate women who put a man above their kids - it's no different that he's a man. He needs to grow a pair and tell this woman where to go.

And no, if I were you I wouldn't go to their wedding. Someone has to stand up for his son, because he is clearly incapable of doing so.

Lizzylou Wed 29-Dec-10 14:28:09

Also in agreement with your Mom here.

Your Brother's new partner would do well to realise that if he is weak and malleable enough to be persuaded to "drop" his son by her then another woman could do exactly the same to her two boys.

What a pair of twats.

charliesmommy Wed 29-Dec-10 14:29:03

Your mother is right. Your brother is an idiot to allow his gf to behave this appalling way.

I married a man who had 3 children. I knew he had them when I met him and I never for one moment would even think of excluding them from something so important in their dads life. In fact my stepdaughters were our bridesmaid, and stepson was hubbys best man when we got married.

What a shame for that little boy that he is being denied a family with his half siblings, and has a spinless tosser for a dad.

Lulumaam Wed 29-Dec-10 14:29:06

he walked away from his other partner with whom he had a child... why not this one too? hmm

god, he's an arse

i would also stay away from teh wedding and take your DN out somewhere fantastic with your mum

Nancy66 Wed 29-Dec-10 14:29:08

Good on your mum for standing up for your nephew.

I think the whole family should do the same.

SugarMousePink Wed 29-Dec-10 14:29:58

Meant to add, you don't want your brother to not have any close family at his wedding. If he was really bothered about close family, then he'd sodding well invite his son wouldn't he?

corlan Wed 29-Dec-10 14:31:27

If my brother behaved like that I would not be at his wedding either.

Your Mum is defending your nephew's dignity as human being - he is 9 years old - a child. Your brother should be defending him. You should be defending him. This is absolutely disgusting.

By going to the wedding you are adding your seal of approval to his behaviour, your blessing to this twisted relationship.

This rejection will stay with your nephew forever. It is a wound from which it will be very difficult to recover. Your Mother is absolutely right to shun your brother's wedding.

so why is he marrying her then confused

mole1 Wed 29-Dec-10 14:31:52

Definitely YANBU. Sadly a similar situation arose when ex-h got married recently - he had dd1 as a bridesmaid, but dd2 who has severe SN wasn't even invited.

When I questioned this, he said it was because no one would be able to look after her on the day (plenty of other relatives were there who could have helped) hmm. His new wife didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with it either.

Thank God dd2 didn't know or understand. Your poor nephew will know that his own Dad didn't ask him to his wedding. How is he supposed to get over that?? Appalling.

HappyHECmanay Wed 29-Dec-10 14:32:44

your brother is disgusting for choosing a woman over his own child.

I don't blame your mother. If he was my son, I'd be ashamed of him too.

saffy85 Wed 29-Dec-10 14:33:42

Your mum is NBU your future SIL is though. Your brother is worse though. angry

My sister and I were excluded from our dad's second wedding nearly 20 years ago. It still stings now. Your poor nephew. It will hurt a bit less knowing his gran and aunt are on his side though. He doesn't deserve this shit, no child does.

APixieInMyMulledWine Wed 29-Dec-10 14:33:52

lulumaam how do you know he walked away first time? She might have left him.

melezka Wed 29-Dec-10 14:34:19

The thing is, if she can act as if he's dispensable from his first son's life, it gives her all the more leeway to act as if he's dispensable from all his children's lives if they ever split up. Is he prepared for furthering the opinion she clearly has of him being able to opt in and out of children's lives on her whim? Because this will come back and bite him on the bum, I feel.

Lulumaam Wed 29-Dec-10 14:35:16

I don;t know htat pixie, that was in repsonse to the OP saying he would not leave this partner as has 2 children.. but.. so presuming that he left.. which he might not have done of course.

waitwhat Wed 29-Dec-10 14:36:00

i agree with Lulumaam take him somewhere fantastic for the day with you mum

If your brother wont grow a pair and stand up for HIS child then i wouldn't go...I don't think i could be in the same room with him without slapping himangry

APixieInMyMulledWine Wed 29-Dec-10 14:36:58

Oh ok, thought I was missing something for a minute there.

I agree with everyone else, your brother and his wife to be are both being bell ends. That poor boy, well done to your mother for standing up for him.

My SIL was not going to have her nephews at her wedding (mine and my BIL sons) at her wedding as she didn't want children spoiling it. My MIL turned round and told her not to be silly, that weddings were family occasions and if her grandchildren were not welcome then neither was she and she wouldn't go.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl Wed 29-Dec-10 14:39:58

Your brother needs to grow a pair, he should not be marrying this woman

Lulumaam Wed 29-Dec-10 14:42:56

I'd be interested to know if this was your brother's request or something that his fiancee is pressuring him to do?

either way it's shit, but i think worse if he actually suggested not having his son there

can you speak to your brother privately and have a conversastion with him about the dreadful repercussions this exclusion will have, not just for the wedding, but for his son's life ?

Your mum INBU. My stepmother was like this and my own father too weak to stand up to her - not to me as I was estranged from my father during my childhood, but to my younger half brothers and sisters, who were the children of the 2nd of my father's 3 marriages. Stepmother was (and still is) very jealous, insecure and controlling and insistant that Dad had less and less to do with his own children, on threat of throwing him out, withholding incomme which he earned and she controlled and by threatening suicide.

I'm 46 and I still wish the bitch had just thrown herself under a bus and got on with it and I suspect my 30 something year old half-siblings feel much the same. The rest of our family sure do!

Her time will come, she is universally hated in the Vallhala family and my father pitied for his weakness originally and now disliked for it. If your DB's wife continues to act like this and your DB continues to enable her to do so, they will get the same treatment in later life. I almost feel sorry for them but I feel far, far more sorry for your poor nephew. SOMEONE has to stand up to your brother, for DN's sake. Thank god your mother is doing so, bless her.

AbsofCroissant Wed 29-Dec-10 14:47:28

To quote someone (I can't remember who) "at least they're not out there ruining another couple". Sounds like they deserve each other, your DB and his nutter GF.

Your mom is NBU, and I agree with Lulu that a day out on the day with your DN is a brilliant idea. Make him known that even though his father is a spineless twunt, the rest of his family cares about him and loves him more than that barking woman.

In my SIL's family, her father always put his new wife ahead of his existing DCs (he was widowed), and the damage to those children has been astounding.

HappyHECmanay Wed 29-Dec-10 14:51:25

I just feel that if you can't accept a child that a person has, then you have no business marrying someone who has a child.

So she is a shit for marrying a man who has a child, when she can't accept that child.
And like I say, he's a shit for setting out to make a life with a woman who can't accept his child.

That poor bloody kid.

Thank god he's got you and your mum.

spidookly Wed 29-Dec-10 14:54:10

Your Mum is right.

Tootlesmummy Wed 29-Dec-10 14:58:59

Your mum is completely right and I think you should also boycott the wedding.

What sort of idiot stays with a nutter who is jealous of a small boy? that is what this is about, jealousy.

Your brother needs to deal with this before it gets worse as if your nephew isn't at the wedding he will resent his father for ever (if he doesn't already!).

Poor little boy.

zipzap Wed 29-Dec-10 14:59:26

I think you should go to the wedding - so that when the vicar/registrar/whatever stands up and says 'anybody here got any reason to stop these two getting married' you can say YES - this woman cannot truly love him if she wants to cut his son out of his life and not even invite him to the wedding'

I'm sure the MN collective will come up with a snappier sentence to reveal sil to be's true horror so you can practise beforehand and not miss the moment...

but have always wondered if anybody did stand up and interrupt like this - and then what happened!! grin

seriously, it's a horrible dilemma for you and your mum - should be a no brainer for your bro that his son is there. actually aren't all weddings supposed to be public - take nephew to the wedding ceremony at least, tell cro to add extra number to guest list for reception and see if sil to be is prepared to be the wicked stepmum in public and say he can't stay at the wedding when his dad wants him there...

SantasENormaSnob Wed 29-Dec-10 15:00:23

Your mum inbu at all.

I wouldnt go either in your situation.

Disgusting.

Ormirian Wed 29-Dec-10 15:02:11

Nope she isn't BU. Someone needs to be at home to look after the boy.... how unkind!

Stangirl Wed 29-Dec-10 15:05:30

My Mum and Dad divorced when I was about 2. My Dad's new wife banned him from seeing me. They were married for 6 years and he used to sneak out to see me for a few hours twice a year without telling her. When my Dad remarried again (when I was 13) his third wife was appalled at how little I had seen him and made me a guest of honour at their wedding.

Now in my 40s, I don't love my father - I tolerate him and feel sorry for him - but I consider him an abject coward and pitiful human being for allowing his second wife to dictate to him in this way. Now a mother myself I am even more disgusted by his behaviour.

Your mother is not BU and your brother needs to wise up to what he is doing to his son.

lovelyopaque Wed 29-Dec-10 15:08:48

You cannot condone your brother's behaviour by going to the wedding so your Mum is NBU, quite the opposite! How can the awful GF think this is an ok way to behave? She needs to read tis and see the unanimous disgust!

melezka Wed 29-Dec-10 15:16:48

Stangirl - how do you feel about your father's 3rd wife?

overthehillmum Wed 29-Dec-10 15:19:53

My ExH remarried to a woman that had made it perfectly clear over 5 years that she hated my children, they turned up to the wedding, every niece and nephew were included within the wedding party, their new neighbours children were pageboys, they never included my kids in any of the offical wedding pictures and the bride never spoke to them on the day or since. My children hate their father and have nothing to do with his family to the point that their granddad died suddenly two weeks ago and neither of my kids went to his funeral, the reason being that they stood by and watched this woman verbally abusing them and treating them like crap for years and did nothing to prevent it or involve themselves. You run the risk of your nephew cutting you off in the future if he looks back on this and sees that you didn't appear to condone this womans behaviour. (my kids are now 19 & 20)

"Now in my 40s, I don't love my father - I tolerate him and feel sorry for him - but I consider him an abject coward and pitiful human being for allowing his second wife to dictate to him in this way. Now a mother myself I am even more disgusted by his behaviour."

Amen to that Stangirl. Although, as I said, my own stepmother and I didn't meet until I was in my 20s, she tried the same tricks to keep me and my dad apart as she did to my half siblings. In the end, between her and her daughter, it worked and now I no longer see or have anything to do with him.

My feelings towards my father are exactly sa you describe.

swanandduck Wed 29-Dec-10 15:23:50

Your brother is a disgrace and your mother is quite right to refuse to endorse his behaviour and stay away from that wedding.

ensure Wed 29-Dec-10 15:27:01

I don't think you should go.

snowyweather Wed 29-Dec-10 15:30:25

Stangirl and Vallhalalalalalal and Overthehillmum - that is just so awful.

OP - I don't think I have ever read something so awful, a Dad not having his 9 year old son at his wedding, not letting his 9 year old son have the benefit of siblings.

It is just such a sad situation, how can your brother love his child if he willing to fuck him up this badly? shock sad

FrostyAndSlippery Wed 29-Dec-10 15:30:41

shock how awful I could cry for your poor nephew.

What a cow this new woman is, and your brother is a deadbeat loser.

Jeez. I'm the first to admit I had a few Jealousy Issues when I first met my now-DH. I was young and it was very hard realising that the man I loved had other people he loved already IYSWIM. And I'm ashamed to admit there were times when I wished it were different and that he was the kind of man who didn't care.

Can't believe I ever thought like that now. I have to say, if I'd carried on like that I wouldve thoroughly deserved to be dumped! Thank goodness I grew up, DH's exW gave up trying to poison their minds against me which made it all a lot easier.

Sorry I'm waffling. Anyway - been with DH 8 years now and his DS was a witness at our wedding, and the girls were my bridesmaids. One did a reading too. Can't imagine them not being there.

I was too nervous to do a proper speech at our wedding but I did stand up and thank them for welcoming me into their family.

I dont think you should go either.

Janos Wed 29-Dec-10 15:31:03

I opened this thread thinking it was going to be about some awful toxic-type mum. Having read it I think she is completely in the right.

It's hard to adequately express in words the complete contempt I feel towards individuals like your brother and his WTB.

Much sympathy to you for being put in this position by your brother.

snowyweather Wed 29-Dec-10 15:38:19

Do you know what makes me so sad is that it does not have to be this way.

A friend of mine (who lost her first husband) got married again, and her son from her first marriage, who was only 10 years old at the time that his mum re-married had secretly gone to his teachers and rehearsed a beautiful surprise speech for his mum and step-dad at the wedding.

There was not a dry eye in the house as he took the stage and squeezed in a last speech whereby he welcomed his new Dad into the family and thanked him for helping him and his mum and he wished them every happiness.

This little boy had done this surprise speech without any of the family knowing. Only his school teachers knew and had helped him with the practising.

It was such a beautiful moment. They are a lovely family.

Stangirl Wed 29-Dec-10 15:41:06

melezka I get along very well with my father's third wife. When she married my Dad she was the mother of a 19 year old girl and actually wanted to help build a stronger bond between my father and myself. This could well have worked but my father decided to take a job in Dubai - where he then worked for 20 years. So even when he had the opportunity to see me more often he didn't take it. Oh well. I did have a lovely stepfather for a while at least.

ladysybil Wed 29-Dec-10 15:45:10

i have always been very strict in my opinon that if your parents siblings, etc arent there, then it isnt really a proper wedding. but from your post, i think your mother is doing the right thing. Your nephew is, for all intents and purposes, her son, and she is looking out for his best interests. true the oolder one is also her son, but he's an adult and capapble of making his own decisions etc etc etc.

I think it really amazing of your mother actually. I know i wouldnt be able to choose between two kids like that. and I also think thatyour brother is a fuckwit. (two kids with a woman who wont let him see his first child?)

StayingFatherChristmasGirl Wed 29-Dec-10 15:46:57

OP - your brother has been siding with his new girlfriend and allowing her to sideline his ds from the word 'go', I assume - and yet he has gone on to have not one, but two children with her. That is indefensible.

The very first time that she tried to be difficult about him seeing his son, or threatened to leave him if he saw his own child, he should have dumped her from a great height. The fact that he didn't do so then, or on any of the occasions this has happened since then, proves he is a waste of space as a father.

On the other hand, your mum is a true hero, because she is not only raising this boy, but is willing to miss her own son's wedding in order to stand up for her grandson.

nextchapter Wed 29-Dec-10 15:54:14

Your mother is NOT being unreasonable. Your brother's behaviour is outrageous. He should be ashamed. I don't know how he can look at himself in the mirror knowing what he is doing and how it must be affecting his son. The same for his partner. Truely awful

diddl Wed 29-Dec-10 15:58:59

Blimey-they both sound so awful that it makes you wish that no one would be interested.

In fact it makes you wish that if the little boy is invited he refuses.

skyswept Wed 29-Dec-10 16:00:47

Your mum is a star and NBU at all and you should do the same. It is def about the nephew.

What is worse your brother not having close family there because he himself won't invite his own son

or

Your nephew not being invited and worst of all knowing that his father is marrying a woman who dislikes him and making her his step mum. They will probably have children and "replace" your nephew.

Stick up for your nephew and make it clear to the wife to be and brother why exactly you all are not coming so they have a chance to put it right.

melezka Wed 29-Dec-10 16:02:26

I feel awful every time my children ask about their GF on DH's side. We have to explain that we don't even know whether or not he is alive - DH's SM was exactly like OP's SIL. Every so often we think about trying to find out - but how many times can you go through trying to find where people have moved to, knowing if SM answers phone that no message will be passed on, and then GF says to DH, well, keep in touch son...? Then they move and the whole thing starts again. DH bears such scars. It's heartbreaking. God knows my family are dysfunctional but this would just never have happened with us, and I find it impossible to understand.

Megatron Wed 29-Dec-10 16:02:30

No your mum is definitely not being unreasonable. If I were you I wouldn't be going either, poor boy.

Tolalola Wed 29-Dec-10 16:19:32

There is NO WAY I would go to your brother's wedding, if I were you. By going, you would be giving tacit approval and I'm afraid both your brother and his GF's behaviour is completely repugnant.

Your mother sounds like an excellent person.

IAmReallyFabNow Wed 29-Dec-10 16:24:12

Your brother isn't a man to let his fiancee dictate like this. I suggest you tell him to save his money as I can't see this marriage lasting.

veryberry21 Wed 29-Dec-10 16:25:18

Yeah, i'm with your mum too. Bless your nephew, he hasn't done anything wrong. why shouldn't he be invited to his dad's wedding. If i was your mum i would be outraged. If i was you i would be too.

clam Wed 29-Dec-10 16:30:35

Good for your mum. And I would say that not only should you not go either, but you must make sure you tell everyone why you're not going. You know, just in case they were going to play the wounded party...

KaraStarbuckThrace Wed 29-Dec-10 16:47:22

Not only is your mum right to not go, I don't think you should either.

Your brother is terrible father for giving into such emotional blackmail and his gf is a bitch to do that to a little boy

I'm a stepmum myself to a 9yo boy, and I would never ever even think about stopping DH from seeing him - as far as I am concerned he is part of our family as much as our 3yo ds. In fact dss was a (very cute!) page boy at our wedding!!

textfan Wed 29-Dec-10 16:51:12

What an absolute tool your brother is. your brother and future sil are clearly of an age to have had prior relationships so BOTH need to GROW UP!!! Its not nephew's fault. If I were you i'd be round there telling him some home truths right now!!!

A brother needs to grow a spine

B he also needs to TELL not request that future sil that his son is part of him and that if she can't accept that to get lost

C he needs to insist his son is welcome in his home

I am the ex-wife, my daughter has 2 younger half brothers, it was not a pleasant divorce but that is not the fault of my dd or her 2 brothers. They are adorable and I have said to dd when they are old enough they can come and stay whenever they like. Myself and the ex's new dp are never gonna be best buddies, but we are both grown up enough to know that the kids come first - and btw the new gf was only 17 when they had first ds and she was a helluva lot more mature about it all than your future sil sounds and is an excellent stepmum to my dd.

Lonnie Wed 29-Dec-10 16:53:54

your mother is NBU

your brother is BU

KangarooCaught Wed 29-Dec-10 16:54:04

I'd only go if I could make a wedding speech

KaraStarbuckThrace Wed 29-Dec-10 16:58:46

LOL @ kangeroo - maybe we could all help write it grin

capricorn76 Wed 29-Dec-10 17:05:48

I know of a family in a very similar situation. The son from the first relationship wasn't invited to the dad's wedding with his new partner. He's never taken on holidays with the new family either. Its heartbreaking.

If I were you, OP, I would not go to the wedding. You nephew will always appreciate that you stood up for him and maybe your brother will wake up when he realises none of his family support him.

jonicomelately Wed 29-Dec-10 17:09:02

I can't believe you've even considered that your mother may be being unreasonable shock

Thank God your nephew has your mother. She is to be applauded. As for your brother. He should grow a fucking pair.

MintyMoo Wed 29-Dec-10 17:13:07

OP - your brother is a disgrace and your Mum is an absolute star by the sounds of things. No-one on your side of the family should attend the wedding if your poor nephew isn't made welcome.

Mole1 - that's awful, no wonder he's an ex!

KangarooCaught Wed 29-Dec-10 17:13:35

Are you impugning my motives, KST?? shock

Nothing so unkind, just a warm welcome to her to OP's brother's and Op's nephew's family and go on a -lot-- a bit about what a special little boy he is and how lucky she is.

His absence might be remarked upon by guest of course [passive aggressive teeth all showing grin]

But barring my fantasy revenge speech, no I don't think I could bring myself to attend. My reasons for not attending would be known.

orangepoo Wed 29-Dec-10 17:14:52

Your mum is not being unreasonable. She is protecting your poor nephew from his wicked father. Your brother clearly doesn't understand that his DS is more important that his new partner and he has now had children with this new partner and tied himself to this horrible new partner forever.

Sounds horrible, I agree with the poster who suggested your mum could take your nephew to Disneyland on the day of the wedding.

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights Wed 29-Dec-10 17:22:08

Good grief.

Please say you won't be going?

What a pair of twats. Poor little boy.

You mum needs to be told what a brave and wonderful woman she is. Maybe show her our responses.

textfan Wed 29-Dec-10 17:24:25

I would also let the appropriate extended family members know. Actually I'd be tempted to put an announcement in the paper!!! Like the idea of someone speaking up at the "lawful impediment" part of the wedding and just saying "yea cos she's a heartless bitch"

LittleMissHootsMon Wed 29-Dec-10 17:35:15

Can we any of us imagine how it would be if on a 2nd marriage our DF was to tell us that our child from the 1st marriage was not to come to the wedding?

All of us would see that bloody great big red flag for what it is and tell DF to sling it.

There is no difference here, this bloke is letting his flesh and blood, his first born son down. Again and again and again.

I'd be talking to the entire family and instigating a boycott, that if his DS is not attending that not one member of the family will have anything to do with either of them.

Also as this deadbeats parents, I'd be straight round to the pair of them and read the pair of them the riot act.

They don't have the right to deny a boy his father.

This brother needs telling to find his balls and tell her that his son is non-negotiable and if she doesn't like it she can piss off.

My Dad's wife kicked up a fuss whenever he wanted to see us, we were 16 and 14. I don't think that much of him tbh.

LOVING the Disneyland idea!

Your mum is a legend OP.

iloveyankees Wed 29-Dec-10 17:38:06

I'm with your mum too, I think it's bloody disgusting he is choosing that cow over his son. I wouldn't even think about walking down the isle with someone who said my kids couldn't come angry

poor kid and I hope you will support your mum and nephew too by not going. I certainly wouldn't. Your brother is an A-hole, sorry

Your mum is right!

FrostyAndSlippery Wed 29-Dec-10 17:43:56

Are other family members going?

I'd be sorely tempted to at least tell everyone else why you and your mum arent going.

And it may seem trivial but is your mum getting them a gift or money? Because I think it's quite important not to. I'll bet bridezilla new wife will be thinking "oh well even if they don't turn up theyll still give us Stuff..."

It's awful seeing couples like this. My friend is going through similar (though thankfully no kids involved) with her brother, who is marrying a total cow who has ostracised him from his family

YANBU and neither is your mother.

I'm more disgusted with your brother than I am with his future wife. He is supposed to stand up for his son and make sure he is treated as one of his family. The current visiting arrangements suck. I imagine it's because he can't trust his fiancee to treat his DS nicely if he came to their house.

Why is he marrying such a horrible woman? She sounds controlling and vindictive and this can't be the only aspect of his life she is interfering in.

I'm sorry, but your brother truly deserves the epithet Douche Canoe, what a wimpbag. And I don't frequently descend to all out personal abuse on Mumsnet.

The younger children will think poorly of your brother when they realize what he is doing to their half-brother. They will also feel guilt that they are getting preferential treatment. They will also feel a bit insecure as if he can forget his oldest child so easily, what is to stop him from treating them in the same way?

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Wed 29-Dec-10 17:56:24

you should be really proud of your mum op,what a strong and fabulous lady she is,a real role model to us all.I wouldnt go if i was you and yes let them know why.How can grown ups be so fing jealous of a child from a previous relationship,cos that is what it boils down to.Has anyone spoken to them both about their reasons,the little boy should be best mn or an usher,what a shame,makes me feel so sad for him.

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Wed 29-Dec-10 18:03:19

text fan my exs new dp was very young too,she has recently been having regular contact with dd8 as she had a baby so obviously siblings need contact.I hate this girl,she split upmy 18 yr marriage but i have to concede she is very kind to dd and dd quite enjoys her visits to the house,equally my now dh would go to the ends of the earth for my children.Very unnecessary to bring kids into adult feelings.

monkeyflippers Wed 29-Dec-10 18:09:21

Poor little boy! That's so sad. The new girlfriend is pathetic and immature and he shouldn't allow her to cut him off from his son. He needs to grow a back bane and should not be marrying her until she grows up.

I think your mum is right not to go to the wedding, she is obviously ashamed of her son and future DIL for the way her grandson is treated by them. Good for her for sticking up for what she believe is.

I don't think you hsould go either but make sure he and his new wife know EXACTLY the reason why. They should feel ashamed.

lilyliz Wed 29-Dec-10 18:14:43

ask your brother if he is a man or a mouse,you'll know the answer when he squeaksgrin

expatinscotland Wed 29-Dec-10 18:15:19

Screw him, scruffy. If it were my sister, she wouldn't be my sister anymore. Your mother is NBU.

And like fuck I'd get them a gift! A curse more like it.

TubbyDuffs Wed 29-Dec-10 18:27:27

Well, I've never seen a AIBU thread where everybody totally agreed.

Can you email him a link to this thread, and let him see for himself what a total twunt he is being?

melezka Wed 29-Dec-10 19:23:28

Or get prospective SIL to join MN and post "I don't want BF's DS at my wedding" on AIBU grin

LittleMissHootsMon Wed 29-Dec-10 20:05:28

oh melezka, i like your style....grin

LittleMissHootsMon Wed 29-Dec-10 20:07:20

Scruffy: if you are on FB.... press the F button on the RHS of the comment...

go on....

Someone HAS to tell him...

melezka Wed 29-Dec-10 20:10:40

"No, go on, it will be ok, everyone posts on AIBU on their first time on MN"

heeeeeeeeeeeee

LittleMissHootsMon Wed 29-Dec-10 20:13:37

<sniggers>

TottWriter Wed 29-Dec-10 20:48:36

Disguise the link - it'll be like RickRolling her, only you'll be pissing off her misplaced morals.

Your mum is an absolute hero, by the way. I hope you tell her that we're all behind her 100%. She deserves a hug, too!

TyraG Wed 29-Dec-10 21:09:16

Your mom is DNBU, I wouldn't go either.

Your brother and his DF are AIDS infested cum bubbles on the ass of a syphilitic donkey. Your DN is better off without a douche noodle of a father around. Thank goodness he has you and your mom.

CheerfulYank Wed 29-Dec-10 21:14:31

Wow, tyra. hmm

He sounds like a horrible man and a horrible father. Your mum INBU, and I wouldn't go if I were you.

wannaBe Wed 29-Dec-10 21:19:10

I would go.

And when it came to the bit where "if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be wed" I would stand up and say "yes, because this woman is stopping him from seeing his son, who by the way has not been invited at her demand, and he is being a spineless twat and is denying his son because of this bitch." and then i would leave. grin

Actually, I don't think I'd have the nerve to do it but I would be sorely tempted.

mamas12 Wed 29-Dec-10 21:20:15

wow agree with everything that has been said so far.

What would happen scruff if you, your mym and nephew turned up at the wedding??

mummy1992 Wed 29-Dec-10 21:25:53

Im with your mum, the bride to be sounds like a bit of a nutcase.

dinkystinky Wed 29-Dec-10 21:27:56

OP -your mum is 100% in the right here - and your brother needs to short himself out and realise he is a man, not a boy...

MumNWLondon Wed 29-Dec-10 21:33:03

OP - you mum is being totally reasonable, and you already know this by your brother and his girlfriends are behaving in a shocking way. Poor nephew at 9 he'd know he was being excluded. I hope you don't go either.

RudeEnglishLady Wed 29-Dec-10 22:04:37

Your Mum is exactly right - what a hero.

DB and his GF are appalling - I hope a moth eats her dress.

maktaitai Wed 29-Dec-10 22:24:13

Your mum is right to take a stand.

But right now, i do feel a bit for your brother. He should have sorted this years ago and now he's stuck. He has three children. He's engaged to a woman who is not exactly rational on certain subjects; he must be worried he's going to end up not seeing his younger two children.

Your delightful sister-in-law to be is the one who deserves the grief. Do you know anyone in her family who might be able to talk to her?

amaterasu Wed 29-Dec-10 22:38:40

OP has anyone ever confronted your brother or his absolute delightful catch of a girlfriend about the damage they are doing to his child?

I personally would have hit the roof by now and wiped the floor with the callous bitch and belittled your spineless twat of a brother til he cried like a silly little girl ....but then I DO have incredible PMT right now grin

I do feel that this needs to be addressed though, rather than merely boycotting the wedding (which goes without saying - I would not attend even if they paid me)

Your mother is doing the right thing by refusing to attend this farce of a wedding and I hope she will do everything in her power to raise the boys self esteem - the damage that his father is doing by denying him a part in his celebrations will be long remembered and possibly irreparable

Sorry for the rant ...I feel very strongly about this sort of shite angry

melezka Wed 29-Dec-10 23:55:09

maktaitai think you are right

GotArt Thu 30-Dec-10 00:08:47

My goodness! I sincerely hope that by the time the invites go out, that twat of a fiance will have realized that she is a twat about not wanting SDS at the wedding. If not, you should be clear as to why you and your mother will not be attending. Stand up for the little one.

pigletmania Thu 30-Dec-10 00:14:43

YANBU and nor is your mum. Why the hell is your borther marrying someone that does not accept his son hmm. You and your mum should have words with him.

pigletmania Thu 30-Dec-10 00:21:29

Boycott the wedding. Agree with others that your brother sounds like a spinless twat.

christmaswishes Thu 30-Dec-10 00:34:52

I agree with others. His son should be at the wedding. Your mum is right to stand up for his son. If he wont she should. I dont think I would want to go to a wedding where he is marrying a witch! I wouldnt be happy with it. Dont go either, have some backbone and stand up for the son.

melezka Thu 30-Dec-10 01:20:47

grin moth eats her dress

izzywizzywoowooo Thu 30-Dec-10 01:30:59

And he is marrying this nutter because...?

Your mum is DNBU, in fact she sounds like a star, sticking up for an innocent 9 year old!

How old is brothers partner? She sounds fucking immature, and to think she has children herself.. shock

I really hope your brother decides what to say in yrs time when nephew asks why he let some bitch stop him from having a dad.

YeahBut Thu 30-Dec-10 01:50:33

Your mum is sooooooo NBU. How wonderful that your DN has one person who will stand up to your D(!)B and SIL.

earwicga Thu 30-Dec-10 02:44:06

How awful. Your mum is NBU, but she has three grandchildren and you have 3 nephews. The oldest of who is being badly treated. Do you or your mother have any relationship with the two younger children of your brother? I have no idea how I would decide what to do in this situation.

ChippingIn Thu 30-Dec-10 02:49:04

Your brother needs to get a spine not a wife.

How can you even consider going to the wedding?

Your brother is a disgrace and if he was my brother I'd be reading him the riot act.

He should tell her it is over, apply for shared parental responsibility, get CSA sorted and be a DAD to ALL of his boys!! he needs to grow the fuck up.

onmyfeet Thu 30-Dec-10 03:51:15

I agree with everyone! Your mother is not being unreasonable, and your brother is a horrible father. Shocking he hasn't been to his fathers house, has he met his half siblings?

Pancakeflipper Thu 30-Dec-10 04:47:52

I like the sound of your mother.

Can you say to your brother " has mother got the wrong of the stick? She says your son isn't invited to the wedding. That's sheer nonsense isn't it?"

If he says he's not invited, inform them no need to invite you either.

It's doomed this marriage. Save yourself the cost of an outfit and present.

TyraG Thu 30-Dec-10 07:41:01

sorry CheerfulYank I was in a colourful mood yesterday.

God your future sister in law sounds like my stepmonster - I still visualise her starting to choke to death on the blood from the stomach cancer that she hasn't realised is growing and has ruptured in her stomach!

Can;t believe you even had to ask if your mother was BU! She sounds like an absolute stella woman.

gorionine Thu 30-Dec-10 08:20:39

I am in total ageement with your Mum! I would not go either.

You mention earlier that your brother wants his son to be there? He has got to put his foot down then! What sort of mother (I understand your SIL is the mother of two boys herself) would think it is OK to to ask her DH to forget he has got a son. If I was your brother this would worry me a lot as if things went wrong with her, she would probaby think it is OK to cut him off his other sons too. very strange attitude she is having, and very worying. Human selfishness knows no limits!

JeezyPeeps Thu 30-Dec-10 08:20:56

Your brother needs to grow a pair and tell his 'partner' (more like boss!) that he will be seeing his son and if she doesn't like it she can do one!

Ormirian Thu 30-Dec-10 10:41:13

Moths? Moths? I hope your mother eats her dress grin

altinkum Thu 30-Dec-10 10:43:29

I think the obscenities on this thread is disgusting tbh.

Im sorry OP, im with your mum, your brother needs to get a backbone, and put his children before his "fiancee".

monkeyflippers Thu 30-Dec-10 11:05:03

what obscentities? what you talking about?

ChaoticAngel Thu 30-Dec-10 12:20:56

The obscenity is the bitch aka as the gf angry

StayingFatherChristmasGirl Thu 30-Dec-10 14:31:15

I'm sorry, but it is your brother too - for allowing his girlfriend to do this. He should have put his foot down and said No, the very first time she tried to exclude his son. He has put her and their children way ahead of his own son, and that is worse than what she is doing, imo.

SugarMousePink Thu 30-Dec-10 19:21:44

I personally think it's more disgusting that a child is being deliberately marginalised by his stepmother and that his father is allowing it to happen.

This is MN, people swear - especially on AIBU. Get over it!

lochnessmumster Thu 30-Dec-10 19:40:25

If anyone ever deserved to be called a bitch, the bride to be does!
Altinkum- cover your eyes my lovely or prepare to be disgusted!
Any woman who would try and keep a father from his child is a giant great fucking cunt!
And any man that even considers marrying such a vile excuse for a human being is an even bigger giant great fucking cunt!

lochnessmumster Thu 30-Dec-10 19:46:17

I should apologise to the OP for calling your brother a giant great fucking cunt, perhaps he's more of a giant great fucking numpty.

TandB Thu 30-Dec-10 20:05:50

I think Altinkum was probably referring to one particular post which did make me go a bit shock

OP - your mum is doing the right thing. It would be great if you felt able to make a stand with her and, ideally, ask all other members of the family to consider doing the same.

I suspect we may be having a slightly watered-down version of this issue in our family in the not-too distant future, ie step-children likely to be excluded from a wedding. I am not sure how we will deal with it yet but my gut instinct is not to go.

lochnessmumster Thu 30-Dec-10 20:12:16

'm curios, which post made you go a bit shock?

lochnessmumster Thu 30-Dec-10 20:18:12

Sorry, the spelling on that last post is why I shouldn't watch tele, drink vino and type at the same time!

bumpsoon Thu 30-Dec-10 20:34:27

Why does your brothers son stay at your mums at weekends ? has he always done this ,or did it only start when your brothers new partner had a baby ? Was there animosity between the new partner and your mum from the beginning ? Whilst i cannot condone what is apparently happening , perhaps your brother really is that much of a useless father , cant be bothered with number one son on a weekend , perhaps doesnt bother too much with the other two and his current partner is riled and needs help with their small children ,who she looks after all week , surely your brother should take his two chgildren to your mums when he visits his son , that way they get time together ,partner gets a break and your mum gets time with them all too . Or perhaps curent partner really is a complete cow .

SnowyGonzalez Thu 30-Dec-10 20:43:29

Scruffy, what is wrong with your brother? Why is he planning to marry someone so horribly controlling? Why is he allowing her to dictate to him like that? This is not what I would call a relationship! I'm guessing that your mother doesn't want him marrying her. I would tear my hair out if one of my kids settled down with someone so awful.

I think your brother must have a very low opinion of himself if he thinks she's the best he can do and that he has to kow-tow to such appalling demands. I feel sorry for ALL three children, being so closely connected to such an awful woman.

I'm sorry Altinkum, although being pedantic the words 'douche' and 'canoe' taken separately are not really obscene.

sincitylover Thu 30-Dec-10 21:50:05

Unfortunately I think this type of situation is more common than we think. I have experienced various permutations of it at least three/four times with people I know.

And it causes untold hurt and damage to the original dc (s)

What I can't get my head around is how the new w/p can do this and live with themselves. I have absolutely zero respect for a woman that can do this.

Is it insecurity on their part? Jealousy of their partners previous life.

It really beats - I just can't comprehend it.

CheerfulYank Fri 31-Dec-10 01:51:01

I don't feel sorry for the brother at all in this situation. It is his child , and he is damaging him God knows how much by allowing this to happen. The kid is 9, he knows what's going on, and how would it feel to know that your dad is allowing some crazy woman to say he can't see you?

If the B is worried he won't be able to see his younger DC if he breaks it off, take it to the courts.

This makes me want to sell a kidney, buy a plane ticket to the UK, find the OP's brother, and slap him in the ear.

altinkum Fri 31-Dec-10 06:21:19

"I think Altinkum was probably referring to one particular post which did make me go a bit shock"

Yes, it was shock

think people need more drink grin

galletti Fri 31-Dec-10 06:32:19

I think you should advise your brother not to go to the wedding! Sounds like it would save him a lifetime of grief.

Although, also sounds like he deserves it if he thinks it is reasonable not to have his own son at his wedding.

Good on you Mum!

galletti Fri 31-Dec-10 06:35:19

MadameCastafiore - what a horrible post shock

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor Fri 31-Dec-10 06:44:51

Why does your brother only see his son for a few hours at the weekend?

StayingFatherChristmasGirl Fri 31-Dec-10 13:12:50

I happened to catch a bit of 'Stepkids, don't ruin my wedding' last night, and one of the brides (who looked to be in her 40s, and therefore old enough to know better) had banned one of her stepdaughters from the whole wedding because she'd refused to be a bridesmaid!

She cheerfully told the cameras about how good she was at holding a grudge, and how it was going to take ages for her to forgive this poor girl. Her fiance did not seem to be making any efforts to intercede on behalf of his daughter, and was allowing her to exclude his child, which sickened me just as much as the story on this thread has.

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