To be furious with MIL for suggesting that having grand-daughters is second best?

[FatherChristmasatemyhamster]

I had my second beautiful daughter 8 weeks ago. My BIL and SIL also have a daughter. My MIL has two sons and has made no secret of wanting grandsons in preference to grand-daughters. E.g when she heard my niece was girl she was openly disappointed. When we found out DD1 was a girl, her first reaction was "I want one of you to give me a girl". When DD2 was just born (we didn't find out the sex beforehand) her first reaction over phone was not to say congratulations, or to ask if mother and baby doing OK, or even to ask if DH was OK, but to shout to her partner "its another girl" with palpable disappointment in her voice. Then at Christmas party last Sunday I overheard her saying in disappointed voice to other grandparents discussing their offspring "I only have three grand-daughters". The weird thing is that she seems to love spending time with our DD1 - she just moved house to be closer to us presumably so she could see them more. Now BIL and SIL have just found out they are expecting a little boy (which is brilliant news - all power to them - can't wait to meet the little chap) but I feel furious with MIL that she keeps talking about my fantastic girls as if they are second rate. And I don't want them to spend time with her if she thinks they are second rate. Is this ridiculous? Could it be PND to feel so very angry about it? Help please!

[Chil1234]

I'm sure she loves her granddaughters. Actions speak louder than words, after all Some people are very old-fashioned about 'continuing the family name' and some cultures/nationalities favour boys in general. Is she Jewish? Asian? .... or just a bit of a nutter? Anyway. Best advice is rather than 'feeling furious' tackle her about it head on next time there's an opportunity. She may not even realise she's doing it

[olderyetwider]

She's being tactless in the way she expresses herself, but I bet what she means is that she'd like a grandson AS WELL as her lovely grandaughters. Her behaviour doesn't sound to me like she sees your girls as second rate. Could DH have a word about how it'scoming across, I bet she'd be mortified!

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

I'd be furious too. Our DD is the only grandchild in DH's family, so she is rather spoled indulged. I have to say that if my hateful bitch of a MIL had said anything remotely similar to yours, she would never have seen our girl again.
Congratulations on your DD. They really are the best sex. Apologies to the mother's of boys, but they are. Fact.

[BonniePrinceBilly]

I get the exact same but for boys. "Why do none of you have girls, you should have another one it will be a girl" blah blah blah. I also have to hear how MIL's daughter is the light of her life and her reason for living, which I'm sure makes all 4 of her lovely, attentive, kind sons feel just wonderful.


The thing is though, I know she really loves all the boys. Just not quite as much as her girl and the grand-daughters she would have liked.

[Mumwithareindeertattoo]

YANBU - your MIL is being mean and sexist. All grandchildren should be equally wonderful to their grandparents.

I had a DD and then a DS. My in laws seemed happy when DD was born but when DS was born there was a whole level of how wonderful having a boy was. They kept going on about him carrying on the family name etc (what do I care about that??). It made me sad that my beautiful little girl was somehow less precious to them than her (equally gorgeous) brother.

Now I just correct them if they suggest that grandsons are better than granddaughters. I can't stop them thinking it but they won't say it in my hearing.

I think it is natural that you feel upset by this and don't think it means you have PND. Of course if you think you might then it would be best to talk to you HV or GP.

[roundthehouses]

YANBU MIL has 3 grandsons and one granddaughter, when we found out the sex of ds2 dh called her and said "mum its a girl" (evil) to which she just screeeeeaaaaamed in delight then he said "sorry mum, only joking it´s a boy" = very noticeably disappointed "oh."

HA.HA.HA it really just made us laugh [again with the evil]

tbh i don´t really get it, she doesn´t have any clear preference for her granddaughter anyway, hey ho, like us she gets what she gets

[fedupwithdeployment]

My Dad has 5 Grandchildren. I have 2 boys, and my brother had 2 boys. He loves them all dearly, and now that DB has a little girl, it is great - the pressure is off. But I wouldn't say that he loves her any more than all teh little boys. He does however like the fact he has a mixture - whereas his best friend has 7 grand daughters!

[maighdlin]

yanbu i don't understand the whole preference thing just be happy there is a happy healthy child.

My family would love me to have a boy esp my dad, but thats because there are no boys. my dad has two sisters, four daughters, two grand daughters, four nieces, ten great nieces and ONE great nephew. DH wants a boy but only for the toys. i would love a boy as i have a complete daddy's girl but if i only have girls then i will be very very happy.

[FellatioNelson]

People are very rude, selfish, stupid and thoughtless on this subject. All babies are a gift and a joy - their gender is irrelevant.

[pawsnclaws]

How rude, I sympathise as I have three sons (all of whom are wonderful individuals in their own right), which has clearly disappointed my MIL no end (she had no daughters herself). Enjoy your daughters and don't let one person's silly attitude spoil it!

[monkeyflippers]

Yeah that would piss me off.

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

YANBU. My FIL openly prefers the girl grandchildren, has no interest in the boys and it really fucks me off.

[pranma]

whereas we have loads of amazing little boys..........

[diddl]

I´d be upset, but it sounds as though she loves them.

My mother said to my husband that she hoped my first was a boy as she already had a granddaughter.

MIL also was hoping for a boy as she has just the one son & "wouldn´t know what to do with a girl"

Felt as if I didn´t matter at all tbh!

[Balsam]

Kreecher, how can you possibly say which sex is better when you only have one child. You'd need one of each to make an informed judgement and even then it's a lot to do with personality.

[FellatioNelson]

I heard someone at the weekend say she'd be happy to have just one child if it was a girl, but if she had a boy she'd go for a second. What a daft way to think. she could get her precious girl and it could look, sound and act like Geoff Capes. Here's hoping.

[edam]

Ignore her. I know it's hurtful but she's being daft - best to dismiss it as just a bizarre foible, especially as it doesn't affect the way she treats your dds.

Or you could challenge her every time she makes a remark like that, but might well end up taking even more of your mental energy without stopping her or making her think about her behaviour.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Balsam. My tongue was firmly in my cheek. Of course we'd have been satisfied with a boy, but we are delighted with our girl. She is so boyish it is like having one of each anyway.

[mammyshere]

I get offended on behalf of the son i have yet to have(or even contemplate) because my MIL is the opposite. my dd is the apple of her eye, she openly admits that she only had more children after dh to try and 'get a girl'.
Its a bizarre and flawed attitude, but i think its best to just ignore it if she has a good relationship with your dds.

[stillfeel18inside]

YANBU - had the same years ago when i was pregnant with DS2 - my MIL had a boy then a girl and apparently that was the ONLY acceptable way to do it (!) so she would say things like "keep thinking positive and it will be a girl" as if I had any say in it!! Now 9 years on she loves her grandsons - in fact I'd say that if she has one, my DS2 is her favourite out of all her grandchildren (girls and boys). Just ignore her comments if you can.

[Yulephemia]

It's women like your MIL that thirty years down the line have women like us saying "Why won't my DH do a hand's turn round the house?" - they treat males of the species like little precious princes.

[IWillCountToThree]

YANBU

My MIL dotes on my Ds, not that my Dds notice thankfully! She claims she has a 'special bond' with boys.
My Nan is the same, she only had my dad and always goes on about wishing she'd had a girl too. However she could take or leave me and my Dds, but adores The Boy. (she's 91 and forgets his name!)

I don't get it really!

[Longstocking2]

I think you need to try to express to her in a low key way that it upsets you. There's nothing else you can do. You can't change people like that, she sounds like a bit of a moron if you don't mind me saying and rude with it.

My stepmother is the same, she has four grand daughters, and my siblings and I have all has boys with a few girls thrown in. She actually said to me once in a jocular way "Boys are great but girls are better!"

Rude and moronic but I do love her, she can't help it!

[Bue]

I can understand the general sentiment - after two or more babies of one sex in a family it is usually slightly more exciting (for other people, not the doting parents) to then get the other. Variety is fun.

But her attitude seems a bit more extreme. Being disappointed at your DD and saying she "only has granddaughters" - that is just rude and mean. I'd be furious too.

[FatherChristmasatemyhamster]

Thanks everyone. It really helps to hear what you think. I feel calmer already. Not sure why mil feels as she does - she isnt from a traditional background at all. In fact she had a very successful career before having kids in late 30s - which was unusual back in the day.

Dh already has pointed out her reaction to us having dds wasnt on - by making a joke of it - but doesnt seem to have had much impact. I might see if he can mention something tactfully. I'm worried I wont be able to help myself saying something a bit too direct and harsh otherwise.