To not go on my best friends hen weekend? Sorry long

[chocolatebuttontheif]

My best friend is getting married next summer and I'm one of her bridesmaids. She's currently trying to organise her hen weekend. She's found a website that do hen weekend packages, and wants us to do an inflatable activity weekend.

Three of the locations are in the UK and one is in Sweden. One of the girls suggested that flying to Sweden would be quicker than travelling to one of the UK locations, and now they are getting excited about Sweden. The trouble is what was going to be a relatively affordable weekend staying in a travelodge with an activity and drinks is now starting to sound quite expensive with flights and a hotel. Tbh I'm not sure my friend actually wants to go abroad, but I think she's just happy to go along with what everyone else decides.

DH and I are buying a new house which needs a lot of work, so financially things will probably be tight for the next year. It's not that I don't want to go on her hen weekend, but I really can't afford to go to Sweden for the weekend, and am a little annoyed as me and DH never get to go away together because we can't afford it!

Also we are currently ttc, so at the time of the hen weekend I could be anything up to 6 months pregnant anyway, and obviously don't want to spend a fortune on one weekend if I may not even be able to join in with the activities and drinking.

I don't want to appear childish and want to go as she is my best friend and don't want to let her down. I don't want to suggest doing something else as really it's her last weekend of freedom and nothing to do with me. If I didn't go would she understand or hate me for it?

[maktaitai]

Has it been booked yet? Surely there's time to relocate, especially if it's with the same company?

It's fine for them to say 'what about Sweden' and it's also fine for you to say 'gotta be the UK or I can't come, we're boracic.' You've said it to us, you can say it to them?

[Hullygully]

Talk to her now before anything is arranged. Tell her that you're really sorry but you just can't afford it, but absolutely don't mind if she wants to go with the others and suggest that you and she do something together another time.

[minipie]

You don't have to go if you can't afford it and your friend ought to understand.

But why don't you say something now, before the plans are set in stone? Explain that you can't afford to go to Sweden so if it's there you may not be able to go. I'm sure your best friend would rather have her hen do in the UK and have you there, rather than in Sweden without you. Also, there may well be others in the same position but who don't want to say so - but will if you do.

[woopsidaisy]

YANBU. People have gone mental over hen weekends! Expecting people to fork out hundreds of pounds for a weekend,then wedding gifts,accommodation for wedding etc. The world has gone mad I tell you,mad!
If you think the bride would be ok about having it in England then I would talk to her about it.
And I think I am right in saying that Sweden is very expensive,especially for alcohol. That might swing the vote back to the UK .

[orangepoo]

I'm not sure what an inflatable activity weekend is, but would it be suitable for you if you are pregnant, regardless of whether it's in the UK or Sweden?

[santadefiesgravity]

Of course YANBU. I agree with woopsadaisy. Hen do's used to be a day or a night out. This weekend thing is totally beyond me.

Pointless spending loads of money you can't afford, if they do insist on Sweden just politely say, no can do.

[Ephiny]

I wouldn't go, and agree hen nights have got way out of control. What happened to having a few drinks at your local pub?

I seem to remember food and drink were quite expensive in Sweden when we went, was a few years ago though.

Does your friend know you're ttc? She might be understanding about organising something you can join in with and doesn't require too much travelling?

[CybillLiberty]

I think you should shelve the house buying plans and go on the hen weekend

She IS your best friend after all

[nigglewiggle]

If you are so close that she has asked you to be a bridesmaid, then surely you can tell her how you feel. It sounds like it wouldn't really be what she wants either, so I would have thought she would be glad you've spoken out. I can't really see a massive issue here .

[PaisleyLeaf]

Say now, while it's still at the discussing stage. Rather than lead her on then surprise her when it's getting booked.
But make it clear you don't mind them going and you can take her out yourself some other time.
I think Sweden is expensive once you get there too.

[pottonista]

What the others said. Whatever happened to L plates, light-up devil horns and a night swigging Oyster Bay chardonnay in the local Wetherspoons?

Srsly, say something now before it all gets booked. You'll only have a miserable, expensive time being a martyr otherwise.

[chocolatebuttontheif]

Orangepoo - if I was pregnant it would be unsuitable, but I don't mind going anyway if it doesn't cost a fortune!

Glad I'm not the only one that doesn't see the need for an expensive, action packed weekend. My hen night was a meal and a few drinks which my mum paid for so it didn't actually cost my friends anything!

[curlymama]

You need to say to her 'I am only going to be able to afford x amount for your hen weekend, I want to be able to give you a lovely wedding gift and I imagine I'll spend a bit anyway around that time on (insert bridesmaid shoes, accomodation, any of the other things you willhave to pay for) so if you want to go to Sweden I won't be able to come'.

Make it clear that you don't want to control what she does, you won't be cross with her if she does go to Sweden, and you will still help her with anything she needs but that you simply don't have unlimited funds. She will understand if you let her know now, but if you don't she will probably be upset that you didn't give her the information she needs in order to make a descision about what to do.

[MadreInglese]

if she's your best friend she will understand that you can't afford it

many hens now seem to have these £££££ overseas weekend dos and then a little one-night local do also (for those who don't go abroad), would that be a possibility?

[chocolatebuttontheif]

Cybill I hope you're joking!

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Christ Cybill are you mad?

I would not go to Sweden on a hen weekend because (a) Sweden costs a bloody fortune and (b) weekends are precious and I don't want to fly abroad with a load of shrieking women for a hen weekend.

What is wrong with just an EVENING out?

[CybillLiberty]

GOML

I thought you knew me better than that

[orangepoo]

Citing money as the problem can be difficult.

Obviously everyone's financial circumstances are different but people have such different attitudes to spending and it isn't predictable from their earnings. I can see why you would not want to pay out for this given what you have written, but that doesn't mean that some of them/the bride won't see you as tight or miserable.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I thought you must have been taken over by aliens Cybill

[KaraStarbuckThrace]

ROFL @ Cybilliberty

Choclate - if she is your best friend she will understand. It is ridiculous to expect people to go on hen weekends costing hundreds! And I would say the activity thingk would be a no-no if you are pregnant.

I did go on a hen weekend to Dublin a few years ago, but we got a very very cheap deal (went in January and were very lucky with the weather), we had an absolute blast - but spent no more than £150 each including flights and accommodation.

[EweArghhBeeInkUnderbobble]

Maybe I'm just a miserbale pregnant woman, but I suspect if are pregnant during this hen do you will wish to god you hadn't bothered no matter where it is.

Let everyone do Sweden explain to your friend money\ttc means you can't go but that you would really like to take her out for a meal or spa day or something instead when they come back. Watching a bunch of women trying to out hen eachother abroad would do my head in and I suspect by not drinking and going to bed at 8 I woudl ruin it for everyone else too.

Btw mornign sicknes... on a plane is the worst thing EVER.

[EweArghhBeeInkUnderbobble]

BTW good luck TTC and on the house!

[chocolatebuttontheif]

I'm not even sure I can afford £150.

Ewearghh - you have a good point, I probably wouldn't really enjoy the weekend and don't want to be seen as a moaning party pooper!

She did mention going out for a meal beforehand with her mum and future MIL, as neither of them will want a weekend abroad with a bunch of drunk twenty-somethings! Perhaps I should just ask about going out with them beforehand instead?!

[rastaClaus]

YANBU but tell her now before they book it.

[EweArghhBeeInkUnderbobble]

That sounds nice choc button, and will be nice for your friend to have a mum and MIL buffer!