to wish my parents wanted to be there for DS' 1st birthday party?

[Finns]

First time I've ever posted on AIBU so please be gentle with me!

DS is coming up to a year old - birthday in a week or so's time. My parents (who were away on hols abroad when he was born early) have been fairly hands off as grandparents. When they got back from hols, I trekked into london on train (5 days post c-section) so they could see him before they took the train home back north (to be fair, this was my idea as I just thought they'd be so upset to have missed out on seeing him when he was little). They have livestock, and it was grotty weather, so it was a month after that that they got to see him again.

I have been firming up who is coming to DS' birthday party tea and have just been told count us out, bad weather, animals need looking after etc. (But when they are off on hols again just after christmas, animals are being looked after, so I can't see why they can't do this now?). I tried really hard not to be OTT about it, but I did point out that his birthday is always going to be in dec, so they're going to miss out on all his b-day parties if this is the case. I just feel so sad that they don't seem to want to be a part of events like this. (My dad did say its not as if DS will remember,which is true).

We've had a difficult time this year, and they have been very supportive, but they seem to be saying because they have been supportive, they don't need to come down to be with us on important days.

We are trekking up there for christmas, and part of me wants to retaliate and say we're not going (which I know would be v immature and would probably hurt us the most).

Am I being completely unreasonable to be a bit hurt? (I should add that we are generally a close family, so it's not as we would normally only see them once a year).

[sparkle12mar08]

I think you are being a bit over the top yes. The first birthday is all about the parents not the child, they know nothing about it. So you need to dig deeper and try and work out what is really the issue here, because it is not about the birthday. It sounds to me like you resent not seeing as much as you would like of your parents, and resent that it always seems to be you making the effort. That's something you need to adress with them foir the long term.

[mumblechum]

I wouldn't have expected mine to be there unless they were just around the corner.

Your ds will be totally oblivious, so if they did come,they'd be coming for your benefit, not his.

[Caboodle]

I can see both sides, DS won't remember so no great loss on his part BUT I think they should make the effort for you really. MIL and SIL missed both DS1 and DS2's 1st birthdays (they have re-arranged stuff inc holidays for other b'days, just not for us), neither DS's missed them but we did. However, really they are the ones who missed out, we had a great time on both b'days with lots of other friends and family and yes it probably was a day for the parents but why is that a problem? Re Christmas, don't let their decision over 1st birthday affect your decision about Christmas.

[fruitful]

Is the problem about the birthday party or about them being "fairly hands-off"?

How much time have they spend with your ds? What are they like with him? Are you ok with how they are, or were you hoping for something different?

My parents like to sit and watch my children, like they are the tv. Sometimes they come and sit in my living room for 3 hours and don't even manage to talk with all 3 gcs. [sigh]

The birthday itself - it's just another day. The first birthday is your anniversary - the one where you think "wow, we did it, a whole year of being parents!". Then you have a couple more cute little birthdays and then after that he won't want all his relatives there, taking up space that could have been filled with his friends, so you may be very glad not to have that particular routine established!

But I'm thinking this might not be really about the party, perhaps?

[CrazyChristmasLady]

Personally I think YANBU.

My ILs booked a holiday for just after DS's due date (and then said I'd better have him before they go ), they also went on holiday at the time of his 1st birthday and showed no interest in wanting to be there. They are also pretty hands off but occasionally have a little remark of "oh we don't see DS that often" they live 10 minutes away and have been to our house about 3 times in the last 2 years. You need to be invited to theirs, can't drop in or anything so we don't really see that much of them.

Given that we were told it was unlikely we would ever have children (and ILs asking when we were going to have any) and my SIL not sure if she wants children, I would have thought that ILs would show more interest in their only DGC, but they don't.

I find it sad that there are GPs like this but after being on here, there are quite a lot of them out there.

I was brought up by my nan and have a very different view as to what being a good GP means, shame it isn't shared by more GPs.

[onceamai]

I'm really sorry you are upset. They are doing Christmas though and probably going to a lot of trouble over it. At the moment your first DS is your biggest, most enormous achievement and you are rightly very very proud of it. Mine are a bit older now and this wears off a bit with the years. Also it sounds as though your parents are still working pretty full on - do you also still have gp's who need to be kept an eye on? - and at the end of the day the livestock really won't feed and look after itself and it is their living. It's one thing organising help when it's far in advance and not too often and quite another for a birthday party. It's a shame they can't be with you and I'm really sorry about that and that you are upset about it.

If it's any consolation, my parents weren't very good at the baby stage but once the children were bigger and they related better they were really fantastic and there is nothing DS1 liked better than riding grandad's tractor and shooting and golfing and fishing (and then be ribbed a bit at school when he took the photos in - they still call him "farmer boy" but he doesn't hate it any more), etc., etc.. They may be getting used to the change in their little girl as much as you are getting used to being a mummy. Try to bear with them because they sound like they are doing their best. HUGS