to ask my sister to back off a little with DD?

[happygilmore]

I think I might be, so would appreciate some advice!

Spent the weekend with my sister who I get on very well with. She loves DD (6months) to bits but spent the whole weekend giving me handy hints about how to look after her. It got pretty annoying after a while, examples included:

• telling me to get her dressed upright as she would be happier
  
• telling me I'd put tights on her wrong (they were a bit scrunched up)
  
• telling me she had stomach ache as she'd not pooed today and to hold her upright (she seemed fine)
  
• telling me off because she didn't have any gloves
  
• telling me off for blw
  
• suggesting we give her cake, wotsits and skips (easy to suck you see)
  
• objecting to using a sling
  
• horror at fluff in her belly button (it is gross but we can't seem to get it out )
  
• telling me I need to sit her up on the sofa at home
  
• telling me I need to feed her baby rice
  

ad nauseam! All not a big deal on their own but after three days of it constantly I did start to scream a liitle inwardly...

She means really well and is the only relative I have who has helped me with DD, who you can tell she loves to bits. We are in many ways more like mum and daughter than sisters as there's a big age gap and she spent a lot of time looking after me due to absent parents. In the past I've just let her tell me what to do for an easy life, so I suppose it's an extension of that - despite being a mature adult with a responsible job and baby, I think she still thinks I'm 12!

Anyway, I wonder if I should tell her to back off a bit? I don't want to upset her though as she loves DD to bits and really does want to help in any way she can. Any advice please as I can see me losing my temper over something silly which isn't what I want at all.

[happygilmore]

I should add those examples were over the course of about 10 mins, there were many, many more, I was just trying to give a flavour of it.

[FranSanDisco]

Just grin and bear it. As you say she means well.

[scurryfunge]

Just smile and thank her for the advice. You don't have to act on any of it. Divert the conversation when she starts bossing you around and change the subject.

[FranSanDisco]

Over 10 minutes . I'd tell her to wind her neck in .

[Dansmommy]

Speaking from experience, I have to say it will most likely blow over quicker if you grin and bear it. She's excited about her niece. Focus on the positive side (lovely aunty for DD, babysitter you ca trust...) and smile and ignore the rest.

My one piece of advice is don't argue when people give advice, no matter how ridiculous it may be. Just smile, say 'thanks, I'll consider that', and carry on as you are.

[happygilmore]

That's what I've been doing up til now, but I suppose I had three full days of it and started to feel a bit manic by the end of it! I just wondered if it would get worse if I didn't say anything. I definitely don't want to offend her as she loves my DD loads and really does want to help me as much as she can.

[peeringintothevoid]

What Dansmommy said.

I feel for you though!

[Rhinestone]

Does she have children herself?

Not that that matters but if she doesn't just say "how would you know?" every time she offers advice and laugh.

If she does just say, "Thanks but I do things my way. If I'm not asking for advice then best assume that I don't want it."

[healthyElfy]

Play advice bingo, gold star and a glass of wine for ten in a row! :o It will take the edge off and she will stop soon.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

Why is it more important to protect the feelings of someone who isn't giving a crap about yours, than it is to tell them how you feel?

I don't think you would be unreasonable to say to your sister, "look sis, I love you and I know you mean well, but I am finding your constant critcisms quite wearing. Please stop it. I am not stupid and I am caring for my child how I see fit."

[happygilmore]

In fairness to her, she is supportive in lots of ways and is the only person other than me or DH who has ever even offered to change DD's nappy. Don't want to jeopardize that!!

For those that say just ignore, what do you say when you get asked "did you do that thing I suggested"? That's the bit I keep getting caught out on..

[fedupofnamechanging]

I'd be inclined to tell her that you do know how to take care of your own baby and to give over with the bossiness. I'd say it in a 'light' way, because you know her intentions are good. She loves you both and wants to help.

If she asks whether you've done as she suggested, just say 'we find that x and y worked well for us but will keep it in mind'

I would let her get the fluff out of your DD bellybutton though.

And don't disregard everything she says. If she's raised DC, then her advice might really help you out one day. It might be annoying, but at the same time it's sweet that she cares so much

[AgentZigzag]

It sounds to me like she wants to feel included in helping you bring up your DD, that she's the one advising you and who's important to the baby.

It sounds stifling even if she has the best of intentions.

I would perhaps say to her that although she's helping you so much, you want to find out for yourself, and her constantly volunteering advice is making you not want to see her as often, if you want advice you'll ask for it.

You'd have to re-word that bit as it could sound a tad harsh

[happygilmore]

Nah she couldn't get the belly button fluff out - we have tried honest, I am a bit laid back but not that bad Got it out ourselves though yesterday.

You're all right - she does have the best of intentions and I think worries I feel anxious because we have no support and she's our PFB. I don't really, probably should but have had a terrible time with my health since DD born so thought I'd best just go with the flow really.

(Plus I'm a bit lazy)

[fedupofnamechanging]

Well, if she couldn't get the fluff out, then she obviously doesn't know everything

[happygilmore]

Yeah she was appalled though by it, she has higher cleanliness standards than me. Think she was fairly appalled that we don't even own cotton buds!

She has her own kids, a bit older, and has really devoted her life to them - much more than I ever could, or would want to, to be honest. I know she spent a lot of their babyhood very stressed out so probably thinks I am (I have been about my health but not DD really, although I have my moments!).

I think she quite likes the role of mother hen giving advice but honestly - telling me off for putting tights on the wrong way?! Funnily enough, being female, I have worn tights myself before...

[ShanahansRevenge]

Well she neeeds gloves and rice too in my opinion (at 6 months!) So yes...YABU about those points.. sorry!

[AgentZigzag]

She sounds like she just loves you and your DD a leetle bit too much, Gawd bless 'er

Perhaps that's how you could phrase telling her, 'Do you recon you could love us just a tiny bit less lovely DSis?'

[Lonnie]

With most of them i would just grin and bear it with regards to the BLW and the baby rice I would just say Current advice is would you like me to get you a book to read about it it is really facinating.

apart from that depending on how often you see her I probably would just cluck a bit and then do as I wanted.

[happygilmore]

She doesn't need baby rice - it has no nutritional value and is just to get babies used to texture I believe? Anyway she can have normal rice at 6 months anyway.

As for gloves well yes probably but hardly the end of the world, she had a snowsuit on and was boiling, the suit covers her hands because it's too big so I wasn't that concerned. She lets me know when she's unhappy very quickly. And in any case I think as she's mine it's up to me what I do, even if others think I'm a bit neglectful

[classydiva]

I wouldnt give a 6 month old skips, cake or whatsits.

Ive had two kids one is now 22 and the other 17.

At six months she is too young to be sat sitting up unless supported.

I always dressed my kids laying down was easier.

YOu do things your way.

Try to just ignore her.

She should be on solids now though, boxed baby rice is cool, but the choice is yours, she is your daughter not your sisters.

[SpotSplatterSplash]

Ignore her, take what advice you want to take and the rest with a large pinch of salt.

Learn to shrug off questions noncommittally and change the subject. Voila

[skydance]

Sounds exactly like my sister, she too is older and our only support, so don't want to nark her off too much

I usually say very pointly, yes ok thank you auntie doris or whatever her name is!

[skydance]

Big stress on the word auntie I mean!!

[zipzap]

If she's asking you if you have done what she suggested, then I'd suggest being honestish - along the lines of 'yes, but... we found that it was easier to do it our way/she has built in gloves due to extra long sleeves/etc

I also have found that if she is trying to get you to do things that are not currently recommended (but used to be - not sure that sucking skips ever came into that category ) then pointing out that you are taking the same approach she did when her kids were young - that is, reading up on best practice now and following that. After all - she's hardly going to admit that she didn't follow best advice at the time is she?

And then get into a discussion about isn't it funny about how things change over time - some things like sleeping on back and the reduction in cot death rates are pretty amazing and can't see that they are ever going to be recommending a return to simple sleeping on tummy.

Other things like breast feeding and weaning things seem to go in cycles and advice can even change in a couple of years between having children. In some ways, breast feeding and blw is almost going back to victorian times, albeit with a 21st century spin So chances are that if you have another kid in a couple of years you'll discover that you've been doing it all wrong anyway!

So that way you are not saying that you disagree with her per se, you are complimenting her on her her approach, but that things do change over time