AIBU to seriously consider leaving DH because..

[earlymorningwaking]

...he has turned into a grumpy miserable old cunt?

I have mental health ishoos so I generally try to keep on top of my emotions, stay upbeat and positive, spend time with positive people (on the whole obviously - no one is permanantly happy!)

lately though I've realised that spending time together just sucks the energy from me. Everything seems bloody hard work. As soon as we wake up it begins; 'i'm tiiiiiiirrred', accompanied by lots of old man noises. When he gets in from work (4pm) he 'needs' a nap. Then he wakes up in a grumpy mood because he's 'huuuuunngry' and shocker, we have to leave the house to buy food. Which I then cook whilst he shoots people on x box.

Then something usually stresses him out for the entire evening, tv stays on and he plays with phone. Then we go to bed.

WTF happened to the light-hearted, positive, enthusiastic man I met?!
We have been under severe financial pressure recently, but I don't see why he gets the luxury of stropping about like an overgrown teenager while it's my job to try and jolly up the atmosphere. I'm stressed too. I just don't think it's fair to inflict my stress on him. Life is hard enough at the minute.

I can't believe I'm thinking of leaving him over this, but the truth of it is, I feel worse after spending time with him, not better. I have to be very careful of my own mental state (breakdowns in the past) and he is having a very negative effect on my happiness.

[earlymorningwaking]

Whoops silly pc, not finished!

Posted this in AIBU because I'd like brutal honesty please. At the end of my tether and just want him to cheer the fuck up!

[ginnybag]

Have you told him he's having this effect on you?

If he's aware of your history, perhaps you explaining that his constant whining about things is becoming a drain you can't take anymore will get him to see that it can't carry on.

No-one can be chipper all the time and if, as you say, things are stressy there for you, he my be reacting without knowing.

It might be time for you both to sit down, say how you both feel and see if there's anything you can do to relieve some of the pressure.

Try this first, before ending the relationship.

On the other hand, if that doesn't work and you really feel you can't be with him and cope, and he won't acknowledge this, then you wouldn't be unreasonable to walk away. You have your mental health to consider and a good relationship should supprt that, not damage it.

[girlywhirly]

YABabitU. Had you considered he might have a physical illness which is making him so tired? I think he needs a check up. Stress can manifest as physical symptoms, which are very real, he isn't putting it on if I'm right. You must insist that he goes to the DR, because of all the reasons you stated. He probably doesn't realise just how bad it is making you feel, so you'll have to spell it out. There may be another physical cause which has nothing to do with the stress, which might be easily treatable.

Of course, if he refuses, you can let him know that you are considering leaving for the sake of your own psychological health.

[OTTMummA]

do you have children?
do they live in the same house?
are they all his, yours, mixed bag?

Do you think its possible that he is depressed at all?
I think you need to have a serious chat with him about the current behaviour, maybe make a list of fun things you used to do together and start from there.
Does he make an effort to help around the house?
I get a bit down when DH takes me for granted sometimes, but he's never like that for more than a few days etc, and then makes more of an effort, which helps.

Or do you just not like him, in any way, anymore?
If so, its probably best to let go and move on.

[PamelaFlitton]

Do you think he's well? He sounds poorly to me. I would get him to go to the GP.

[earlymorningwaking]

Thanks for the responses. I really feel upset by this. I do love him very much and would prefer to resolve things with him and stay together, but I have to do what's best for me, spent waaaaay too long in the past dragging out relationships trying to make the bloke happy, sacrificing my own in the process.. I won't waste my time ever again.

I had briefly considered illness, as to my knowledge healthy adults do not need so much sleep/downtime.. scary thought so had hoped for another explaination.
Maybe need to face the fact that he could very well be ill.

I have a horrid gut feeling that he could possibly be using his own moods to control me, but my mental health atm means I do not always think rationally, and I find it difficult to trust my own opinions and decisions.

Whatever the reason, you are all right - we need to talk.

[earlymorningwaking]

OTT - no DCs yet but we are agreed that sometime in the next few years we will start trying. I'm seeing the current situation as a huge red warning light though- can't bring a child into this miserable boring home.

[PamelaFlitton]

Honestly, it could be a thyroid thing. He should get blood tests.

[OTTMummA]

I think you need to both go to the doctor tbh.
That line about him controlling you with his moods
not good.
He is just as capable of being ill aswell as you, you do know that don't you?
This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship, and really, you sounds not so bothered about him, more about you, which isn't always bad, but its not a frame of mind you should be in if he needs help and you are ignoring the signs.

[chipmonkey]

Is he overweight? Does he snore? Tbh, this sounds like my dh before his sleep apnoea diagnosis. He uses a CPAP now and is much better.

[amijee]

I think he may be depressed. I agree he needs physical causes ruled out but the lines of communication need to be opened in a non challenging way and even though you may feel it's really unfair as you have been mentally unwell in the past, you probably need to put his needs first at the moment.

[beijingaling]

Agree with other posters that he needs to see a dr and you need to have a chat with him. To my very untrained mind it sounds like a mixture of selfishness and depression on his part. My mother slept for hours and hours when she had depression. Stress can also send us into massive sleep mode.

Of course no one can read minds so unless you talk about it and tell him that you're unhappy etc then his behavior will NOT change.

[RevoltingPeasant]

OP, this might sound weird, but how much physical exercise do both of you get?

My dad is like this: always tired, needs naps, etc. He is basically a functioning workaholic who works, moans, and sleeps. I think a lot of his problems are down to the fact that he feels rubbish all the time cos his sleep quality is low because he's only mentally and not really physically tired.

Sounds like your DP works, comes home and crashes, and doesn't move much. Could this be a factor? Could you go for a bike ride or walk somewhere this weekend?

[earlymorningwaking]

If he is depressed we've got no chance of sorting things out - I've spoken to him about this many times and he always insists he is not. So he's either not depressed at all, or if he is then he is deep in denial.

Not overweight, snores a bit but nothing major.

Whenever I broach the subject I get: 'I work hard and should be able to spend my free time doing what I like'. I've asked him if it's me, am I making him miserable, but he says no he loves me.

We used to do lots together socially, now we rarely leave the house. Just doesn't seem like him anymore.

I thought ME for a while but he doesn't have any physical pain. The thyroid thing seems like it could fit. Or maybe this is the way he's coping with our financial stress. Or he is depressed and not prepared to admit it to me. Whatever it is, we need to Talk.

Just for the record, I am not a completely selfish bitch, I adore him and want him to be happy... However can't mentally torture myself for years to come flogging a dead horse.

[earlymorningwaking]

RevoltingPeasant - that actually makes a lot of sense. He used to be very active but has let it slide lately; this matches up to the mood changes exactly!

[TheSkiingGardener]

It is quite common when one person has Mh health issues it can affect the other. They can then get down and it starts a cycle whereby both struggle as they find it difficult to be there for the other person, and it ends up spiralling.

Sorry, that sounds negative and bad.

The good news is that the main way to sort it out is communication, communication, communication, and if you need a spot of couples counselling to get that started, which can be tough, then that can really really help.

Good luck, with everything.