..to insist that DH hands over complete control of his finances to me

[togarama]

DH has always been feckless and irresponsible with money. (He also has some positive qualities but frankly they're not relevant to this post.)

I've been the major earner for most of our relationship and the sole breadwinner for long periods.

DH was out of work for over a year until a couple of months ago. (This was partially his own fault and nearly split us up.) During this time, we built up some debts which are currently on a 0% credit card but obviously still need paying off. We also have to pay our regular bills including nursery fees.

I'm happy to deal with all the bill and debt paying etc.. as long as he puts money in the joint account to contribute towards this. We agreed when he started his new job that he would set up a direct debit to transfer the bulk of his salary to the joint account so that I could access it. Not only has he failed to set up an automatic transfer for the last three months, but every time he makes a manual transfer, he's followed this up by withdrawing or transferring money back to his personal account.

Having totted up the individual withdrawals from the joint account so far this month, it actually ends up as a net withdrawal of £150 and I'm now going to have to pay bills from my personal account again, and pay overdraft charges again, as I've been doing for the past year.

As far as I can gather, he has spent all of this money on beer, junk food, sweets and repaying loans to family members I never knew he had borrowed from. I am furious.

So, now I want his salary paid directly into the joint account, his cash card handed over, and I will give him pocket money. He has the option of agreeing to this or leaving since he is putting me in a far worse financial position than I would be in without him and seems to have no compunction in doing this. I can afford to support one other person and that is our daughter.

I know that this arrangement is letting him off with even less responsbility but I need his salary to stay on top of our finances and can't afford to wait around for DH to develop a sense of financial responsibility.

[muddleduck]

Not sure I could be married to someone I had to treat as a child.

But YANBU

[mousymouse]

yanbu
can you force him to "keep book" of all his ins and outs for a month or so before going drastic?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

I'm going against the grain and think YABU.

When a DH keeps all the finances to himself he's labelled as being abusive on here but turn the tables and it appears fine!

Yes he needs to contribute, but hes not a child and giving him pocket money and taking his earnings is wrong.

[rattling]

Within a month of meeting (now) DH I had taken over his finances. He puts all his money in the joint account, except a certain amount of "pocket money" and I pay for everything from that.

It sometimes drives me mental that he hasn't a clue what our outgoings are - but he is otherwise fab. This method has taken him from £5K in debt (maybe not a huge amount, but we were each only earning about £15K at the time) to owning his own business and home.

It only works because DH doesn't care about money at all - the basis of his problem - he spends till there is no more then scrapes through till the next paycheque.

[Mumcentreplus]

I wouldn't tell him I was giving him pocket-money for a start!! and why do you need his cash card if the money is going into your account?...

You could put it to him that its easier all round being paid into your account...you take care of the bills and transfer money into his account so he has access to cash..

treating him like a kid (even if he's acting like one) will not improve the situation...you have to come to an understanding together and work out a compromise.

[Mumcentreplus]

Btw all earnings are paid into my account ..but he has the card most of the time

[muddleduck]

This will only work if he wants it to. It won't stop him being a selfish arse.

[togarama]

mousymouse: I might try this at the same time. But I really can't afford to wait any longer. If I ever got into real financial difficulties I would also run the risk of losing my job which is something you need a completely clean slate for. Then we'd be really screwed.

The lack of stable contribution has been going on for our whole six year relationship. Every bonus I've ever had has been spent on paying his debts. (Yeah, more fool me...)

I don't think it's intentional on his part - it's partially the way he was brought up. But that hasn't made it any easier to manage. We've had so many 'conversations', broken promises etc.. that this really is the final straw.

[loonat48]

what does he say ? is he willing for you to take on this responsibility? Agree tho' he is being v childish - when is he going to grow up?

[togarama]

"and why do you need his cash card if the money is going into your account?..."

Because he has a habit of continuing to withdraw cash on his overdraft even when there's no money going into his account.

[quiddity]

YANBU at all. He's not even trying. And he's betrayed your trust by not only spending your joint funds but also borrowing money without telling you. It sounds like ultimatum time.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

YANBU
I wish DH would do this, though to be fair to him he has got a LOT better. He would spend until there was nothing left and leave muggins me to pay the bills. He's now mostly a SAHD and earns a little that we share which works a lot better. I don't resent him spending his money as I earn enough without it to cover everything and a bit more, and he enables me to work without putting DS in nursery so i feel he's contributing. It was when I was on mat leave and he was working f/t that it was really bad.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I would get a joint account that doesn't allow you to go overdrawn (cardcash account I think). I would arrange for DHs wages to be paid directly into my account (not joint). I would then pay all the bills and transfer back to the cardcash account the amount of money that DH has available to spend.

It's wrong that you have to treat him like a child, but he can't go on getting you into debt and leaving you with bank charges.

If he is wonderful in lots of ways, then it is easier to accept that money just isn't his strong point. If he's not, then you have to question what you are getting out of this relationship. It won't be good for the relationship generally if you start thinking about him as a liability, so I think you are right to take this out of his hands.

Personally I wouldn't want to be financially linked to someone who does what he is doing.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

I'd give up on the joint accout anyway! Or get his wages paid into it but change the passwords and don't let him have a cash card, then you transfer his spending money to his own personal account weekly or monthly.

[huddspur]

YABU, he needs to contribute financially to the household but why should you have total control over his earnings and give him pocket money. If he's a naughty boy does he get less pocket money?

[ChippingIn]

It is wrong to need to do this, but if he's wonderful in every other way, then do it.

Get his wages put into your account - but make sure he does not have any access to it, then transfer an amount to your joint account. Make sure it doesn't have an overdraft facility and make it clear to your bank that no loans, over drafts, credit cards or the like are to be taken out in your joint names.

Make sure it's not a huge amount of money, only the amount you are happy for him to 'fritter'.

If he's not happy with this arrangement - tell him the only other option is to leave. He's had too many chances to grow up, he's put you in the crap too many times... end of.

[ChippingIn]

HappyMumOfOne - it's labeled abusive if the other partner is doing it because they are earning it - not when the other partner is just spending it all on crap and putting the financial security of the whole family and the other persons job at risk. Huge difference - you cannot compare the two.

[togarama]

why should you have total control over his earnings

Because he's demonstrated time and time again that he can't be trusted to contribute regularly under his own steam, no matter what he promises or what his best intentions are.

I really do think that my options are doing this or telling him to leave (the house, well, the mortgage, naturally belongs to me only with no involvement from him at any stage).

I will look into the cashcard account idea, thanks Karma and EricNorth.

[ChippingIn]

Huddspur - because he refuses to act responsibly with the joint account. He's taking money out of it that is supposed to be for bills, causing them to go into OD etc
He has, in the past, mounted up a lot of debt and if he carries on like this Togarama risks losing her job. WTF else is she supposed to do if he wont act responsibly?

[Mumcentreplus]

why dont you just remove the overdraft facility?

[Jojay]

Do what Karma said.

He must have some serious redeeming features to make it wirth putting up with this tbh - hope you work it out.

[Wellwasi]

If this was about a husband stopping his wife from having money you wouldn't get one single piece of support.

[lojolecs]

YABU if the genders were reversed then we'd be screaming financial abuse. I don't believe that he has no control over how he spends his money unless he's a drug/gambling addict or an alcoholic

[WhyMeWhyNot]

This is a downward spiral in my humble opinion. Once a man shows no control over spending I don't think whatever you do will change him.

My ex was the same. He saw his earnings as his money to spend on anything he fancied and mine as money for the bills and housekeeping.If I bought clothes we went without food.
Which never happened of course.

So I separated the bank accounts and split the bills 60/40 which was what our wages equalled. Needless to say he didn't pay his share, he took out 2 credit cards in joint names without my knowing and maxed them.

He was gambling and had debts galore I knew nothing about.Thousands and thousands of pounds.

I left him, everyone feels sorry for him, no-one knows the truth because I won't tell tales.

I'm happier than I've ever been. My little money is all mine and my daughters. No-one is going to empty my account causing my card to be denied at the till.
He still tries to borrow money but I smile and say sorry, need mine for food.

[Nagoo]

YANBU it's a good plan.

I'd be bloody furious, but you need an ultimatum that withdraws the risk from you, and this is it!

If he wants to be trusted he'll have to earn it.