Dying friendships

[BabsH]

I kinda know my opinion, but I would like to see what other people think.

I've been friends with a group of girls since I was 16, now in my mid thirties. We used to do loads of stuff together but recently I have moved and they have started to arrange stuff without including me or if they do want me to come out with them they expect me to come to them, nearly 100 miles away. I understand that I am away from them, but they are invited to visit and then they either don't bother to come to see me or they say that they will come and then don't turn up when I have catered for them!

I understand that they all most all have kids and that makes thing harder, but you would think that with a bit of forward planning our friendship could be maintained with the occasional trip to visit me, especially as I go to see people there around about once a month and even then I have to fit myself around their routines.

The final straw is that it's xmas coming up and when I think about all the presents that I have bought for them and their kids over the years, I actually cannot think that I have ever had a thank you card, a small thing, but I always send cards, birthday, xmas, thank you cards etc and it seems that it's never reciprocated.

Am I right to just cool off the friendship, however sad it makes me rather than keep putting effort in with people who dont seem to appreciate it?

[magichen]

hi babs, Im in a similar situation in that I moved away about 7 years ago, I have given up on my friendships except one simply because, like you, I was putting in all the effort and one day I just thought well bugger you's, life is too short. I dont regret it, and glad I never wasted any more time (and money) on certain friendships.

[alicet]

I think if you moved away and they all live in the same place its not unreasonable to expect to meet up in the place where most people live, especially if they are juggling children (which from the tone of your post you are not). I can understand this is frustrating but I don't think this bit is unreasonable.

What is unreasonable of them though is just not turning up when they have said they would and also not thanking you for presents and not reciprocating.

I would cool off tbh and make some friends who live nearer. This isn't going to be sustainable in the long run is it as it sounds as though you are fed up with them. Good luck!

[pigletmania]

Cool it off, its best to have a few good friends than a load of fairweather friends. Why on earth do you get them presents when they dont show any appreciation and dont turn up when there has been an arrangement. Sounds like this friendship has run its course.

[bumperella]

I agree with alicet, really. IMO a group of friends made at 16 years old are unlikley to all still really like each other in their mid-30's.

[trixie123]

I don't think this is uncommon. Am in a similar situation though none of my old schoolfriends yet have kids. They live about 1 hour away so not TOO far and I do usually go to them but am increasingly pissed off with being the one that makes all the effort and they all (bar one) have a habit of blowing me out at the last minute which is incredibly annoying when you have sorted out babysitters. I am not going to end the friendships but I am gradually reducing the number of times I bother to try and orchestrate a get together. Over the years we have less and less in common anyway .

I would ho with the gradual cooling off too.

[newwave]

Friendships mostly have finite lives, I am not in contact with anyone from school or my teenage years even though I was very close to some of them, no arguments as such just drifted apart. Most of my circle I have known for 15 years or less.

[Earlybird]

This is an important life lesson, imo.

Sometimes friendships continue out of habit, history and convenience. You have stepped out of the circle, so now are learning (perhaps painfully) who are your true friends and which were friendships that won't withstand the shift caused by your move.

Concentrate on the people who make an effort for you (and make sure you reciprocate). Then put effort into making new friends where you live now.

[BabsH]

Thanks all,

You've confirmed what I already thought, it was a little bit of a habit, I grew up with these girls but it's blindingly obvious that I should make all that effort for people who make an effort with me too.

I'm not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself either, have been joining stuff here there and everywhere but its hard to make new friends, just needed some confirmation that I am doing the right thing from people other than my lovely DH.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think that not all friendships are destined to last forever. That doesn't mean they were any less real at the time, just that people and priorities change.

At school and university I had friendships that I thought would last forever. Some have gone the distance, others haven't. I have been both the dumper and dumpee. My advice is to remember them fondly, but to move on unless they suddenly start making the effort for you as you have done for them.

[marriednotdead]

I've found over the years that my friendships evolve depending on personal circumstances.

Two childless friends that I spent a lot of time when I was a single mum with every weekend free, I now rarely see although we speak on the phone sometimes.

I now have a busy stressed filled household with teenagers and unsuprisingly, so do the friends I see more of these days.

Cut your losses and move on, if you're a friendly person then others will fill any friendship vacancies IME.