to be pissed off with DH's "you're dumping it on me" comment?

[CrazyPlateLady]

I am a SAHM. I have always sorted out and taken DS to various appointments over the last 2.9 years. No problem with that, that is my job.

When DS was a baby, it looked like he may have a slight squint so he has been having regular checks on his eyes. It now looks as though the sight in his left eye isn't quite as good as the right and they want to do a proper eye test.

I took DS a couple of weeks ago (the appointment where they told me he needed a proper eye test). I am 6 months pregnant, I have M.E. and I am dealing with an active toddler. We were very late going in as they were behind and DS was very bored and kept trying to escape from the waiting room. I was constantly dragging him back and trying to keep him calm and quiet. It was exhausting!

This next appointment is going to be an hour long. I will be 7 months pregnant. I am also very squeamish about eyes and get quite apprehensive about just going to the eye infirmary.

I have changed the appointment to a day that DH has off work. I phoned him and said that is what I have done and would he mind taking DS. It was fine then DH said something about me being there as well and I said "well I thought you could take him" and explained my above reasons. DH then said "oh so you want to just dump it on me then."

I said maybe I could come too then. Then after when I was thinking about it, I was getting really annoyed. It doesn't take both of us. I won't actually be doing anything other than sitting there with them, DH will be doing the running around. I have always dealt with all the appointments, clinics etc as I am a SAHM so that is fine but the comment about me "dumping" this on DH really wound me up tbh.

Am I being completely unreasonable about this?

[estya]

I don't think so.
At 7 months pregnant, it is time he started doing a bit more to ease your workload. If he has a specific issue with why he isn't able to do this on his day off, perhaps the you can compromise and find something else he can do to give you a couple of hours off.
YANBU

[Nager]

no not at all

[TattyDevine]

No, you are not, you organised it for a day he was off work, its not like you have asked him to miss something important for it.

Its his child too, YANBU. He can't just take the nice fluffy bits and leave the hard stuff to you if he happens to be around, which he does.

[trixie123]

might have been good to run it by him rather than just tell him you'd changed it - if its an unusual day off he may have had plans for it. Having said that, I don't think YABU for wanting him to step up. Its one of those situations where it would have been lovely if he'd offered so you didn't have to ask.

[baskingseals]

yanbu - i made dh do the second lot of jabs with ds2 - it's completely fair enough. stick to your guns

[CrazyPlateLady]

He has taken the day off just to use up his leave for the year. Nothing special about it. I already knew that anyway.

[amidaiwish]

yanbu
make him step up his engagement now re ds, otherwise you are going to be swamped with a baby and toddler.

[CrazyPlateLady]

I just want to point out that he is a good dad, I'm really not saying he isn't. He comes home from work each day and takes DS out for a walk to let me get on with tea etc. He takes him swimming at weekends. I am very grateful that he is a hands on dad (it did take him quite a while to learn this and some pointing out from me). He does like to do the stuff he enjoys though as he know he can leave all the 'crap' stuff that has to be done to me. Although he does do bath and bedtime (which I'm not sure he really wanted to at first) as well now as it was making me ache a lot so he had to take that over.

[amidaiwish]

good!
ok so how did you tell him about moving the appt to the day he is off so he can take him?

[CrazyPlateLady]

I think (it was this morning, I have been busy since then and brain feels fried) it was something like, I phoned him at work. Told him I managed to change something else that needed changing too. I then said "and I've changed DS's eye app to the 'x date' if you could take him please because last time made me tired etc etc (reasons in OP) and I keep getting freaked out that I am going to see pictures of eyes on the walls" I was polite, not demanding that this is what he do or anything like that. Just a normal conversation that I don't see a problem with as he is DS's dad after all and I didn't see why this would be a problem.

[amidaiwish]

fair enough, YANBU!

[Firawla]

yanbu you are not dumping it on him, its his own son and he has the day off, and you are heavily pregnant - really not unreasonable of you to ask him to take him, for once

[SuePurblybilt]

I think the explaining was where you went wrong. Just saying that the appt was for a certain day - so "that's good as you can take him", would probably have wrong-footed him into agreeing . He is being selfish and you are not BU at all sez I.

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

YANBU, OP; your son is, after all, his child too. It really annoys me how some men (my DH included) see everything to do with the children as the woman's job, and if they do anything with said children it is as a favour to the woman.

[mountainmonkey]

YANBU - he has the day off, its his child, he should be doing his bit. Is he always this unsympathetic/self centred?

[runmeragged]

Your DH is being mean.

Personally I would put a child of that age in a buggy whilst waiting. Bribed to sit still for the wait with a packet of smarties and a new toy.

[CrazyPlateLady]

No he's really not self centred at all. I think he just sees certain things as the things that I deal with, I am much more efficient and organised, and he likes the 'fun stuff' although he is much better than he used to be at doing bedtimes etc. He never did that unless I really asked and then it was slightly huffy. He is ok with that now. Weekends are a bit of a pain if he is up with DS and I have a lie in, when I get up DS is never dressed and ready, but they are little things really. I think a lot of dads are probably the same and going by a couple of my friends DH's I am bloody lucky in some ways!

[GypsyMoth]

i dont think you are lucky at all!!! sorry!!

its his childs eyesight.....and THATS his attitude??

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

I agree with SprinkleDust......

[forehead]

OP, stop defending your dh fgs. He is in the WRONG. He's not doing you a favour, it's his child too.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Just because you are a SAHM, it doesn't mean that you are responsible for everything that needs doing, or that you have to be grateful for any help your DH gives.

On his day off, he should automatically do his fair share of childcare and housework. Even if he had plans for his day off, so what? His wife and child need him so those plans should change to reflect that. If he doesn't want to step up on his days off, then I think you should be entitled to the same amount of time off that he enjoys.

[GypsyMoth]

have you told him what you think???

[CrazyPlateLady]

Not yet. He is swimming at the moment, I am enjoying some peace and quiet.

When he came home I got annoyed with him because he wanted to know why tea wasn't done (he doesn't come home and demand tea btw but I got home a bit later than I intended from my nans house). Tea was about 10 minutes from being done but I took great offense at his surprise that it wasn't already done as I had texted him and told him when I was leaving but I was actually just leaving the post office, then had to go back and pick DS up so he thought I was home before I actually was. So I wasn't speaking to him at that point, then he was sorting DS out before he went swimming.

I'll speak to him when he gets back.

I'm not trying to defend him (too much) I just don't want people thinking he is a crap dad and husband when he isn't but that comment really did piss me off. He should be more concerned really. I am worried. DH thinks that if DS needs glasses then he needs them but I see it as a worry at this young age and the only member of my family who had glasses this young is now blind.

[curlymama]

Your DH does sound like a good Dad, and I don't think he is being as out of order as some of the other posters have made out.

He knows it's about his child, and of corse he cares about his pregnant wife and his son's eyesight. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous, and after some of the reactions here, it's no wonder OP has come back in defense of her DH.

I'd be more pissed off about the tea comment tbh.

I think it's probably down to the way you asked him. Or didn't ask him. You kind of expected him to do it in the same way that he expected his tea to be ready. It sounds like you both need to learn to appreciate eachother more, and more to the point, show that you appreciate eachother more. Not easily done, or top priority when pregnant and dealing with a toddler, I know!

FWIW, my ex always takes our dc's to their dentist appointments. I hate the places, really really hate them. But every time an appointment comes through I phone him and ask sweetly, knowing full well that he expects to do it anyway because he knows how I feel. But it's about maintaining a good relationship where we both respect each other and appreciate the things the other does for the benefit of our children. It means the world to me when he says thankyou to me for something that I should automatically do as a Mother and really deserve no thanks for, so I try and give him the same appreciation. Makes for much happier Mummies and Daddies!

Sorry for the mammoth post!

[Casmama]

Great post curlymama. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it just mention that you were a bit pissed off and tell him why.