To put off in-laws booking trip from the Netherlands until the baby actually arrives?

[Andie20521]

My Husband is Dutch, and we had agreed that his Mum (who speaks no English, and my Dutch is limited)and one other person could come to visit 3 weeks after the birth for a long weekend , as that would be DH's last week off, and he could take them out, and generally look after them. (Normally 6-8 people all come over together and expect to be waited on hand and foot)

Well now his sister has just rang and wants to book flights as she wants to come for a few days and then swap with his brother so their Mum can stay a bit longer maybe a week -FFS! AND she wanted to be here for their equivilant of Christmas day (6th December, St Nicholas day when they give their gifts)

I bit my tongue, and I said that it wouldn't be possible to guarentee the dates as if the baby came early (Due 19th November) DH would be back at work, and as the baby could come as late as the 4th of December so I would not be ready to have guests, even family at that point.

She said "Oh I understand completely...can you get him to call me as we want to book our flights tomorrow"!!!!!

Was I speaking completely to myself?????


So I said " As much as I would love to say please come then, I need to be rational, and I don't think its a good idea for you to book flights as you may have to cancel them and that would be a waste of money"


"Of course! May be he can arrange to take that week off fixed as Holiday then regardless of whether the baby is early or late, we can come. How many days are you in hospital?"


At that point I gave up and said "I'll get him to call you tomorrow evening when he is back. from his trip"

I understand that they want to make plans, but am I being completely selfish not to want to A) be landed with his guests without DH being here or B) Have guests arrive too soon after the birth?

[LittleMissHissingFirecracker]

My sister had her 1st last year. She lives in NYC. My mum wanted to be there.

She waited until the birth and then booked the next convenient.

DN was at least a week late, there were some complicatations and my sister was in hospital longer than anyone anticipated.

If my mum had booked around the due date, she'd have had to go back to the UK right when my sister needed her.

Thank them for their keeness, but flights are so frequent between NL and UK, it's driveable even.

Tell them you will call them when you have the child. Just to make sure everything is OK.

Someone recently said that IL are not present at the conception, it seems only right that they are not present at the birth.

[LittleMissHissingFirecracker]

oh and NO is a complete sentence.

[Firawla]

no yanbu @ all, has his sister had children? (Doesnt sound like it) i dont think she realises how the situation would be for you with a new baby, especially if it is your first baby. get dh to deal with it though as it is his family, but your initial idea of 2 guests after 3 weeks seems more reasonable. if they wanted to come over, stay in a hotel and just drop in to see you and baby then that is nice that they would be keen to see the baby but expecting to be waited on hand and foot, and putting their own plans set in stone as if to expect you to work round them rather than the other way round, is just thoughtless and unrealistic.

[yetanothernamechnager]

Say no I didn't and regret it to this day

[Andie20521]

Thanks...

His sister has 2 teenagers, but seems to have forgotten what it is like to have a new born!

If they were the type to muck in, it wouldn't be as much of an issue, but no matter how many times I say when they visit that the best way to help me is to help themselves to whatever they want, they don't. They would be insulted by the idea of staying elsewhere. For example because we got married in St Lucia, we had an evening reception type party when we got back, and ended up with 3 of them sleeping in a tent in the garden, even though my Dad ofered to pay for a hotel!

[nattiecake]

Could they stay in a tent then?

[Mindovermatter]

You can possibly plan how long you will be inhospital or when? You may even have a c section so all plans have to be flexible until baby arrives me thinks. Having said that if they can be of real use and help you loads in those first few weeks this may be a good thing. Agree book flights is crazy until baby has arrived.

[Andie20521]

Just spoke to DH, he is in agreement with me- Phew! He said that he will deal with it tomorrow night when he gets back home.

I can just imagine his 80 yo Mother in the tent!

His sister and I don't always see eye to eye, but she is such a "perfect & worthy" type person, and has a way of phrasing things so rationally, that you always end up feeling like it must be you that is at fault! (She's married to a Preacher, has done missionary work abroad /charity work for most of her life, now training as a domestic violence councellor , raised well balanced children whilst cooking home made organic meals from scratch, all done backwards in high-heels in perfect make-up- honestly I've never seen her looking less than flawless) OK you see I am being unreasonable now!

[AlpinePony]

I totally agree with the others - NL isn't a million miles away and whilst flights can get expensive around xmas there's always the boat from Rotterdam or Ijmuiden which can be booked on the day!

I had it the other way, I live in NL and my mum wanted to visit from the UK! As it was I was a month early so she drove through the chunnel... Can't plan these things by the exact date - never mind the fact that even if the baby comes on the exact date you may well just not want any visitors!

Btw - Dutch women looking flawless? Par for the course I'm afraid... you know they actually have a recognised "disease" about the whole manic cleaning thing?

[plupervert]

Very good idea to keep them away from you in the most vulnerable periods, if they ignore whatever you say, like that....

[WidowWadman]

My parents live in Germany and I remember that discussion from when I was pregnant with my daughter. In the end I got them to understand, however, they then only came to visit when she was 10 weeks old. I had enough time to recover from EMCS and be happily driving again (husband doesn't), breastfeeding was established and it made life much easier and their visit much more enjoyable.

[CrazyPlateLady]

Oh god, poor you.

This is the last thing I would have wanted when I had DS. We had a few visitors in the hospital then once we got home we were soooo tired and overwhelmed we had to stop visitors for the first couple of days. Didn't stop us being hounded though. When we finally gave in, to shut people up, it was exhausting and I just wanted to cry. And this was just an hour or so from various relatives.

Don't give in! Thankfully your DH is on your side about it. Don't let them push you into it. Just tell them you will let them know when the baby is here and when it is convenient for you, not them. Let us know how you get on.

[5DollarShake]

YANBU.

My ILs booked to come from Ireland 4 days after my due date. DD arrived, you guessed it, 4 days after her due date.

I was in hospital for 3 nights and they were there at home waiting for me long-awaited granddaughter when we all returned en famille. And stayed for nearly two full weeks. They're not at all active, and luckily DH looked after them, but it really did cause some stress from my perspective, I can tell you.

[Andie20521]

Thanks, after a good nights sleep a
I can clearly see that it isn't me thats being unreasonable.

Luckily DH is on side, as if he had his way we would go completely into a cocoon and NO vistors from either side of the family till that point! I can just see me telling my parents "Sorry if his family can't see their Granddaughter/neice neither can you!"

Yup and I get the whole manic cleaning thing with the Dutch too! The other day DH said it was a pity that I couldn't really chat and get to know his Mother better,after 8 years together( I secretly cheered!) I said that "Well at least we can't clash, and she thinks I'm a nice DIL as I can't spoil the illusion." He then informed me that she thought I was messy and disorganised!

Cheek! All I ever do when they stay is cook, clear and bloomin clean like crazy! For up to 8 of them!

I do have a secret weapon on the back of that conversation ... I've got a cleaner coming tomorrow to do a deep clean of the house (lights, skirting boards etc), and a top up one in a a couple weeks or so...he he and DH is paying!

[Miffster]

Good call about the cleaner! :)
Your original plan of 1 weekend-2 people-3 weeks after birth is perfectly reasonable. She is proposing to completely change it which is most unreasonable. Great that your DH is going to sort them out for you.


Look after yourself and good luck with the birth.

[cakewench]

okay I'll say it- they're Dutch, you need to be blunt. Anyone else remember the thread with the Dutch person wishing Brits would "say what they mean?" I lived in NL for a few years so I know a bit about the.. culture of bluntness. :) (as I'm sure you do, as well, OP, being married to one! I married a German, which isn't the same of course, but the bluntness is something both countries are reasonably similar on)

Tell them no. Tell them exactly whatever it is you're trying to convey, without any "I suppose" or "possibly" or anything. If you don't feel comfortable with it, make DH do it.

I did the same with my in-laws, as well as with my father. I did have my mum come visit (she's in the US, as is my father) after the first few weeks because I knew she would be a supportive visitor, rather than a needy one. The last thing you need is more stress!

(now I've just read your follow-up post. I had walked off halfway through writing this, oops! Glad to see your DH is supportive!)

[Andie20521]

That is a cruel twist of fate Dueling Fanjo!

Cake wench you are spot on, you do need to be direct with Dutch people and not pussyfoot around them! I think I was just so taken aback yesterday that it flustered me.

In fact they see small pleasantries as people being false, so if you do get a compliment from a Dutch person it's normally genuine.

My DH will have no issues with being blunt! In fact thats one of the reasons he will be a great support when I do finally give birth, as he wont allow me to be pressured or fobbed off by the experts and fully understands what I want.

I think a compromise is possible, if it is really so important due to cost to book right now,then they can book for mid December, nearly a month after my due date and its tough if the little one arrives early and they don't get to see her sooner.

[Andie20521]

Further issue with the compromise. MIL has said that she has Christmas Dinners planned for that week, and couldn't possibly change them

Dh is naturally v.upset as he was prepared for the battle of them coming over too soon, but now feels that his Mum doesn't care and that she should drop everything. I have explained that at 79 she is stuck in her ways, and if she has made plans she is inflexible.

I've never seen him take something this much to heart. Now he wants to tell them all to FCUK off, if they are not coming until January.

The SIL who I was bitching about, is the one who I feel sorry for as she has been stuck in the middle trying to explain to MIL how much it meant to DH, and stop DH flying off the handle.

Now he feels if she didn't automatically want to drop everything it doesn't matter, and he doesn't want here coming over out of some sort of obligation, doing him a favour!

Families eh?

[pottonista]

Wait, so your MIL has made a whole lot of arrangements in the UK without checking if it's OK to stay with you???

[Andie20521]

No sorry the plans have been made in Holland!

I am now left trying to convince him that she isn't rejecting him, but when we got married, she didn't come as she had already booked a holiday, but made a comment, about it not actually being the proper wedding as it wasn't in Church!

She has been excited over the baby, and sends random letters, with various pictures of DH holding various babys, cards out of the blue and DH has loved having something interesting to chat to his mother on the phone.

He flew over last weekend as his Father was taken sudenly into hospital (They are divorced) but didn't actually get to see his Mum as she had already made plans to stay with her brother (less than 20 miles away) and when it was suggested she came back early to see him, again she said she has already commited herself, bearing in mind she goes to visit her brother twice every month!

I personally just think she is stuck in her ways, nothin malicious but its still hurtful and DH is still upset.

[CrazyPlateLady]

I don't blame your DH for being upset though. I can't believe she put a holiday above the wedding of her son and she couldn't come back a bit early from seeing her brother when her son was in the country. .

Is there not another week in December that is practical for you both? The week after all her xmas plans perhaps? Or is that too close to xmas for you then?