Regarding Christmas Plans (PIL)

[GiselleS]

Oh no! I hear you cry, not another christmas thread.. sorry!

Sorry if this is a bit long winded and boring!

My husband and I alternate between visiting his parents and mine each year.

We have had a couple at our home with boths sets of parents.

However, my parents have a long standing (20 years plus) arrangement with close family friends that they alternate between having christmas at each others houses (they invite myself, husband and PIL). Otherwise I would suggest having Christmas at our house this year.

Last year we went to my BIL's with my PIL, this year we are going to my parents.

My parents have invited PIL, they have refused the offer (as they always do)

My BIL has phoned me and insinuated that I should stay with the PIL as they said will be on their own as he has other plans.

Is it unreasonable to be annoyed with my PIL for trying on the guilt trip when they have had an invite to come with us. They have not returned the invitation to my parents once.

I am also a bit annoyed at BIL that he doesn't appreciate that it is not my fault that his parents are anti-social and that looking after his parents is not our sole responsibility.

[saffy85]

YANBU but ime it's something you just can't win. There's always someone ready to be mortally offended at the drop of a hat.

Having said that my mum is very antisocial regarding christmas and will not spend it anyone but me and/or my sister. Mind you she has major ishoos with alcohol and can not be around people who drink. My house is a dry house at christmas as a result.

[wb]

From your post YABU. In what way are your PIL trying to guilt trip you? Do they control your BIL? Is he not an adult?

Re: your BIL YANBU

[RunawayRocket]

YANBU by turning down the invite to your parents they have made the choice to spend Christmas alone.

Tell your DH to tell your BIL to butt out

[ChaoticAngel]

YANBU You/your parents extended an invitation to your PIL for christmas, they refused, their choice.

[Emo76]

How lovely of your parents to invite the PIL! They (the PIL) have an invite they have turned down - so it is their choice not to be with you at Christmas. You have nothing to feel bad about. YANBU!

[pallymama]

Sounds like BIL might be the one feeling guilty about your PIL being alone. Your PIL might even be quite happy to be having the day off this year! :) YANBU to be annoyed at BIL, but you are a bit at being annoyed at your PIL unless your sure that they put BIL up to it.

[onceamai]

YANBU they have been invited to join you and your parents. It is their choice not to therefore they have chosen to be on their own. BIL is being totally and completely unreasonable and they will not be on their own, they have each other. Not at this stage your responsibility. Do not fall into this trap. My Ma and Pa and steps had their own lives and I have now done 20 years with the unsociables because the SILs live abroad. The only exception was when my Pa had terminal cancer and MIL showed off big time. Every other year is more than enough when there are still two of them and there is/are sibling(s). I am an only, have made a rod for my own back and would never in a million years repeat it. Have a wonderful guilt free Christmas.

[GiselleS]

Thanks for your opinions guys.

I think I'm just annoyed that PIL won't make any effort to come to something they are invited to and then try to make BIL feel guilty (they actually said 'what shall we do then, we'll be on our own).

[WanderingSheep]

YANBU! Your BIL obviously doesn't care enough about his parents to change his plans at Christmas so why should he guilt trip you into doing so. You have invited your ILs along with you and they have declined, you spent last Christmas with them and this year it's your turn to be with your parents.

You can't do right for doing wrong IME!

[WanderingSheep]

"What shall we do then, we'll be on our own?" If they're that bothered they'll join you at your parents!

[GiselleS]

Thanks Wanderingsheep! (Love your name BTW)

Sometimes I think I worry too much about trying to make everyone happy I forget that sometimes they don't try to help themselves!

[curlymama]

YANBU. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

What did you say to BIL when he said that? Silly man.

[ChaoticAngel]

Stop worrying, they're adults. They're old enough to be responsible for themselves and their decisions.

[Rhinestone]

One of those times to remind yourself that "No" is a complete sentence.

[zipzap]

If bil tries to guilt trip you again then just repeat that they don't have to be on their own as they have had an invite to your regular every-other-christmas do.

THey might have turned it down expecting to be spending it with bil but if he now doesn't want to spend xmas with them, is it worth re-iterating the offer directly to them in a jolly 'remember you're invited to spend xmas with us at the long standing friends we all go to' way to reinforce that you are providing an offer to spend xmas with them but you are not planning on breaking your traditional visit to others.

good luck - and don't be bullied by bil if he doesn't want to do it.

would your pil usually see bil every xmas or is it just the way things worked out that you both usually do every other but because you all saw each other last year he thinks that this year is his year 'off' even though you have other plans?

[GiselleS]

Zipzap, he spends every Xmas with them. I get the impression following an email he sent that he thinks as he was the host last year it should be our turn this year. Totally forgotting about my parents.

The trouble is that I can't discuss it with him as he will just cut me out for a couple of months and sulk. Which will cause problems in the family, they are quite strange!

[NoelEdmondshair]

Shouldn't your DH be having this conversation with his brother?

[ENormaSnob]

Yanbu

[fel1x]

Reply to BIL and say that you have also thought about PILs beingon their own and have therefore invited them to your parents for xmas.
They obvioulsy prefer to be alone if they've turned you down!

[badfairy]

BIL just wants to shift the guilt to you, ignore it. PIL are grown ups if they don't want to socialise on Christmas Day that's up to them but you shoudn't change your plans. You could always pop in on Boxing Day or on one of the Bank Holidays.

Anyone would think that if you don't see family on the 25th December somehow the sky will fall in....it won't it's only one day.

x

[FetchezLaVache]

It sounds like your parents are very much more sociable than your husband's, so PIL could be daunted by knowing that your parents have other friends there too, whom they (presumably) don't know at all? So, I'm not really surprised they don't want to come with you, but it's certainly not on for anyone to try to guilt-trip you. Your BIL has other plans, but so do you. At least you have offered them an alternative, which your BIL presumably hasn't!

[Oldjolyon]

Agreed. When they say things like 'What shall we do then'... repeat 'well come with us to my parents, we'd love to have you'. Wait for them to refuse and then say 'That's a shame, but its your choice and I respect that' or words to that effect.

Every time they or BIL brings up the conversation... just repeat these lines.

At the end of the day, they have got a choice - to come with you or to stay alone. If they choose to stay at home alone, then that is their choice and you do not have to feel guilty about that.