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AIBU?

to not buy birthday/Christmas presents for my sister/parents?

24 replies

bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 10:21

I'm trying to take a break from the relationship as they're all fairly toxic but I keep being drawn back in by events like birthdays etc. There's been some big issues and for the last two years, they live about a mile away and never see my DCs. Recently my DS1 was in a serious car accident, fortunately he turned out to be completely fine but it was a very worrying few days. My parents popped round for half an hour to see the children once the drama was over but my sister didn't and none of the rest of the family expressed any concern.

Despite the fact the the relationship is totally screwed up they insist on sending presents and pretending to the wider world that everything is fine. I find this a bit mental, I don't understand why, when I never see/speak to my sister does we still do this charade of present buying, it just seems so disingenuous to me and I'm really tempted to just stop it. Although if I'm the one to stop it then it makes me look like the bad guy, which is the myth they're putting out to the extended family and wider world anyway.

I just hate the falsness and lack of honesty, it makes me want to pick a huge fight just to get it all out in the open but I don't want to be petty about it.

So do I just call it quits and stop bothering? And they will probably still bother with the kids at Christmas no matter what. It sounds a bit daft but all this present obligation stuff is really holding us back.

AIBU?

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bigchris · 02/11/2010 10:22

I'd invite them all over for some kind of Xmas buffet
if they say they'll come they get a present then and there
if they don't come don't bother
life is too short

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bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 10:22

(When I say parents mean my father and step mother. Half sister is their daughter and can do no wrong whereas I'm just a nasty reminder of a past they'd all rather blank out.)

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bigchris · 02/11/2010 10:23

I don't mean in Xmas day. Maybe the weekend before ' would you like to come round for a cuppa and exchange presents?!'
then the ball is in their court

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bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 10:25

I've tried inviting them to things in the past but they just sit there and won't really participate and then they leave. They say that they feel we don't want them there, which was never true before (but it is now!) They come because they have to keep up appearances but they make it clear they don't want to and I'm not doing that any more.

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bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 10:26

Gah, it's all so blimmin awkward. I dunno why they can't admit there's a problem and try to deal with it. It drives me berserk, all the pretending.

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OhLuckyYou · 02/11/2010 10:28

How would they take it if you just suggested that you thought you should all stop buying presents for the adults? Does your sister have kids? Could you all just buy presents for the children (I can see this might be difficult if it's only you that has kids as then they have to buy presents but you don't!)

Families can be so difficult can't they?! My Sister and I decided between us that we wouldn't do xmas presents for us or our husbands, but now our dad has a new girlfriend who buys presents for us and so we feel obliged to buy for her and our dad as we don't want to offend her!!

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Curiousmama · 02/11/2010 10:30

So do you get on with your dad ok?

Maybe they feel the same but are stuck in the present buying cycle? I'd say it to their faces rather than just stop. Make an excuse perhaps unless you're uber rich?

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Plumm · 02/11/2010 10:30

If they're bad-mouthing you anyway, you might as well live up to it and stop buying them presents.

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bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 10:35

Nope, don't get on with my dad. Since he ignored me at my own wedding and left without saying goodbye because I invited my mother I don't have much to say to him at all. My step-mother thinks that it was perfectly acceptable for him to use his speech to have a dig at my mother, after all, what did I expect? (she also thought it was quite acceptable that he was violent with me on a couple of occasions in my teens- nothing was ever said afterwards.) And my half-sister is just totally selfish and self absorbed. We literally see each other twice a year if that and have nothing to say to each other. Of course they've probably told her a load of crap too but she's old enough to know her own mind.

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bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 10:37

Definitely not rich Curious! Grin

Sister doesn't have any kids so no probs there.

I'm hoping we might be able to move house by Christmas anyway and then we can just disappear out of the whole thing...

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chitchat09 · 02/11/2010 10:42

Start buying presents that you know they won't like or gives a clue as to what you think of them and is a not so subtle dig. Another thread on here about charity presents, could do that, buy them a donkey or something instead - very passive/aggressive!

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bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 10:46

Grin chitchat - I could have fun with that!

In all seriousness, how do you deal with people who are passive aggressive? Is it best to "out" it or ignore?

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Curiousmama · 02/11/2010 10:56

Oh good god dump them!

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Curiousmama · 02/11/2010 10:57

Oh yes yes adopt a mule Grin

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bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 11:24

Actually, that's not a bad idea. Someone benefits and they can't say we didn't bother.

(I actually made gifts a couple of years back, blackberry brandy and I made truffles with the leftover booze soaked blackberries. Put in loads of effort and they barely even acknowledged it - I should have just got them some 2for1 shite from Boots and had done!)

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ChaoticAngel · 02/11/2010 11:24

Or a cow.... Grin


or even a dog, just make sure it's a bitch Wink

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bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 13:37
Grin
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aokay · 02/11/2010 14:47

think you know what you want to do so do it and move on - your family sound as though they have turned their backs on you and life too short to constantly try to change the unchangeable. I have decided not to send cards to my family this year after years of being blanked / treated like pariah - why bother when it has come down to a card at christmas?

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Curiousmama · 02/11/2010 16:05

yes aokay it's better to now be a hypocrite and just not bother anymore you do right.

I don't bother much with my brother and his family anymore. I don't lose any sleep.

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bintofbohemia · 02/11/2010 16:27

Yup, I think you're right. They clearly aren't really fussed about any of us, so I don't know why they bother popping up now and again anyway. Even though they'll feign complete ignorance and tell everyone we're all kinds of allsorts, but as plumm says they're already doing it anyway.

Life is to short and it's not my fault my dad did it with my mother, is it?

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purplepidjin · 02/11/2010 18:21

You will need:

1 loo roll middle
1 shoe box
1 larger box
Lots of newspaper
Cheap wrapping paper
1 paperclip/bag of 10p sweets/dead rat...

Put the paperclip/bag of 10p sweets/dead rat in the loo roll middle and wrap in cheap wrapping paper. Put it in the shoe box well padded with newspaper. Wrap the shoe box in cheap wrapping paper. Put it in the larger box, well padded with newspaper. Wrap the whole lot in cheap wrapping paper.

Duty done ;)

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BuckBuckMcFate · 02/11/2010 18:30

Just drop them.

Life is too short.

Accept that your Dad will never be the Dad that you want him to be - easy to say, it is almost like mourning but you will feel so much better when you can accept it.

Concentrate on what you do have in your life. Don't waste any more time on people who make you feel like shit/not good enough/add your own.

It is quite liberating when you do it

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CrazyPlateLady · 02/11/2010 20:25

YANBU. Don't bother.

I'm having this. I hardly ever see half sister who lives down the road. I dared to just give her a card last year for her birthday after her and her mum didn't even bother to get me a card when I had a baby, despite years of me babysitting and generally helping out. I got bloody stick for it. This year I got her a lovely present, never had a thank you, my birthday last week, not even a card or text. My dad spoke to her. She promised she would get a card. She hasn't bothered. I've told my dad they have no right to have a go at me again and I'm just not doing it from now on. It started when I stopped buying my dads on/off partner's DS presents. I never saw him, never had a thank you so I got fed up of bothering.

Now I buy for who I want to buy for and to hell with it. Yes I do look like the bad guy, as I do buy for my other siblings but I am done caring now.

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bintofbohemia · 03/11/2010 08:03

CrazyPlateLady that's so rubbish. What is wrong with people?! Sounds like you can't do right whatever you do so you may as well not bother. Sad

BuckBuck - you're right, it is like mourning. I've tried and hoped that at some point if I do or say the right thing he might realise he's been rubbish and change. Fuck it.

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