to think that my sons school should have listened to our side of the story, I'm so cross!

[XboxWidow30]

Ok, its a long one!

I had a meeting on Monday with my sons senior school. He has special needs and is statemented and so we have regular meetings to keep up with what's going on etc... This is the first meeting since he started Yr 9 in September and also the first time since he started that his head of year, form tutor and Senco have all changed.

My Dad always comes with me to the meetings. Now on Friday my Dad took a phone call from the Head of Year to say my son had said a rude word to a member of staff and that he was excluded for Monday. However, she said the rude word down the phone to my Dad and he didn't like it. He doesn't swear and doesn't like people swearing at him.

At the meeting he merely said to the teacher that he doesn't mind her phoning him anytime and he would drop anything to be at the school for my son should he need to be there but he doesn't like swearing etc... and she could have said he swore and used the 'f' word rather than just coming out with it down the phone.

This teacher has now gone to the headteacher, who in the nearly 2.5 yrs my son has been there we have never met, and said my Dad was aggressive towards her. Now my Dad has been banned from school grounds and not allowed to go into school either with my son or with me to these important meetings.

Sorry long but I am so cross as he was not at all aggressive and spoke politely to her all the time.

Aaarrggghhh, bad day! x

[SleepingLion]

Well, it does seem unreasonable on the school's part not to listen to you and their reaction does seem rather extreme if, as you say, your dad was polite. Was there any way it could have been construed as aggressive perhaps by someone who doesn't know him as well as you do?

[flamingpants]

Poor you that sounds totally blown out of proportion. I'm not at secondary school stage yet (well obviously I went there a while ago!) but child not there yet. However, for saying the f word surely a day's exclusion is out of proportion as well? Unless a recurring offense?

[XboxWidow30]

SleepingLion, I do agree but it was said right at the end of the meeting, very politely once all issues etc.. surrounding ds's progress had been handle and sorted.

My Dad obviuously just felt stringly that if he could let her know then she won't phone him and do it again.

My ds shouldn't have sworn in the first place. I do feel another form of punishment could have been better. Exclusion is nothing to him as he gets to aply on the computer all day.

[runmeragged]

I'm wondering if your dad was upset at hearing the f word and came across as not polite, despite thinking he had tried to be polite. He was obviously cross about it and he must have said something to the teacher for it to have gone to the head. Why would the teacher have gone to the head otherwise?

I have to say that your dad should have just sucked it up and not said anything at all about the swearing. The teacher was reporting what had happened - I don't really see the problem with a swear word being used in this context. I understand she could have said f word, but I think saying the word was acceptable, particularly as it was something your DS had said.

The head has to back the staff and the staff shouldn't have to feel that parents are being agressive so I'm not surprised they don't want to deal with your dad.

[RustyBear]

"Exclusion is nothing to him as he gets to play on the computer all day"

Remove the computer if it's a laptop , or if it's a desktop, remove the power cable or some other vitsl component....

[TheFallenMadonna]

I would always repeat exactly what a child had said to me to the parent/carer. The teacher wasn't swearing at him. She was repeating what your son had said to her. A student told me to suck his dick the other day. I wanted his parents to know exactly the language he was using. I'm not inclined to paraphrase to protect their sensibilities.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

I agree with the others. The teacher did not swear at your dad - surely he understands that? And for him to raise it at all suggests he wasn't really focussed on the main issue - your son.

And I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but you weren't there to hear the conversation, so you can't know that he did not come over in an aggressive manner to the teacher.

[vbusymum1]

TheFallenMadonna - I don't understand, you are offended by something that was said to you but you don't care if you offend someone else by reporting it to them ?

Xboxwidow - could you have a word with the teacher to smoothe the waters for your Dad? It sounds like you want hin to ocntinue to attend meetings with you for support so maybe you need to try and mediate if possible.

I agree that the teacher could have been a bit more sensitive.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

... sorry - have re-read the thread - I see you were there at the meeting where your dad raised this.

< must read more carefully next time >

[TheFallenMadonna]

I was massively offended by being told by a pupil to suck his dick, yes. I did not invite his parents to suck my dick. I repeated what their son had said to me in order to explain why he was being excluded. Saying "he was very rude" IMO did not really do the comment justice. And if they were offended, I would have thought that it was the fault of their son, who was the one who used the offensive language in the first place. And they need to be aware of that.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

I agree The Fallen Madonna

[SleepingLion]

Yes, vbusymum - having a student swear at you using incredibly vulgar language with malicious intent is not the same as reporting what was said calmly and unemotionally to his parents.

How can you not see that?

[vbusymum1]

OK, maybe I misunderstood the original point, I read it as meaning that you didn't care if they were offended to hear the words.

The OP's father isn't comfortable with hearing swearing and I'm sure he's not the only one (maybe he is from a generation where it wasn't so widespread).

Isn't in only polite to apologise for repeating the words and allow for the possibility that the parent or grandparent may ask not to actually hear verbatim what was said. It wouldn't offend me as a parent in that situation but I would trust the teacher and punish my child just the same if the actual words weren't used.

[TheFallenMadonna]

But you see I think they should hear the words their children are using to their teachers, whether they want to or not. I accept that it is shocking to know that your child would say something like that. I'd be devastated. But I would also need to know what he was doing. And I wouldn't apologise for repeating something their child had said to me.

[SleepingLion]

Actually, I think the parents should hear what was said. Why not? If their child is capable of telling a teacher to suck his dick, then I think the parents should know exactly what their son is like. Too many parents are too quick to bury their heads in the sand when it comes to what their children are capable of.

[SleepingLion]

x-post, TheFallenMadonna.

I think as teachers, it seems we must feel much more strongly about it than those who don't have to be on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour!

[TheFallenMadonna]

Obviously OP, am not suggesting that your DS said something as dreadful as this -am rather hijacking with my own story

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Agree that parents and grandparents should hear what their children have said to the teacher. If he's upset or shocked by the word, then perhaps they can understand how the teacher must feel hearing it from one of their students. The F word doesn't really have the same shock value as actually hearing "fuck", does it? And yet that's what he said

I hope you can find some way of resolving the issue with the school, but ultimately you are working to resolve the bahvioural issue with your son, not your father's feelings.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

I'm not a teacher, but my son was rude to one the other week. I wanted to hear exactly what he said and did - otherise how can I know how to react defensively and make appropriate excuses punish him?

[Tootlesmummy]

You must take away your sons ability to play on a computer!

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I missed that bit - he gets to play on the computer after swearing at the teacher and being excluded???

Exactly what consequences have you put in place at home as a result of all this?

[Squitten]

I honestly don't understand why your Dad would even have brought it up. The teacher was simply reporting back what your son had said. Imagine if she had just said that he had used the "B" word - which of the many swear words that begin with B was it supposed to be? You need to know exactly what language your son is using so you can instruct him otherwise, and you'll never find that out if you don't allow anyone to tell you about it!!

[Squitten]

And why your son getting reqrds like computers, etc, when he's been excluded from school??

[deaddei]

I think your dad is being unreasonable and not very adult about it.
And agree with the others- if your son is excluded, do not let him treat it as if it is a day off! Give him chores to do if he has no schoolwork.