To be dreading Christmas because my brother's girlfriend is such a mental bitch?

[madonnawhore]

Just been reading the other 'Brother's girlfriend' thread and it sounded similar to my own situation.

Ever since she and my bro got together all they have done is argue. Or rather, she has a go at him all the time about something or other and he is constantly trying to palcate her. I think he only had any peace for about 3 months at the beginning of the relationship before she started calling him at work to scream down the phone at him, chucking him out of her flat while he was staying with her, etc.

My brother lives with my dad (mum died, they pal along quite nicely, living like bachelors) and when his girlfriend was having problems with where she was living she was pressuring and pressuring him to let her move in with him and dad (which neither of them wanted). This all happened last Christmas and when my dad finally put his foot down on Boxing Day and told her categorically that she couldn't move in, it all kicked off into a massive row. I'm lucky in that my family all get on really well and we NEVER row at Christmas. It really ruined things.

Last month I found out that during a row she had been violent with my brother, threw some expensive property of his out of a second story window, destroying it, and then tried to punch him. He said he had to physically restrain her on the bed and felt awful about having to touch her in that way :( Obviously I told him that was completely unacceptable and he should end the relationship, but they're still together and 'trying to make it work'. Fuck knows why.

Anyway, she's probably going to be at our house again this Christmas and knowing what I do about the violence (she doesn't know I know), I can't bear the thought of her being in my family home at the one time of year we're all together. I love my brother and don't want to kick off and make things difficult for him but I really feel like asking him not to invite her. Should I just grin and bear it or would I be BU to stop her from coming?

Sorry for the massive essay, needed to rant! I really don't like her!!

[cupcakesandbunting]

Let her come along for the sake of your brother but try and get her to one side when she arrives and smile through gritted teeth and say "and we don't want any of your stunts today please, missy."

[discobeaver]

Put laxatives in her coffee.

[memoo]

YABU to use the term 'Mental Bitch'

[Gorionine]

I think it would not be a good idea to stop her from coming. Not at all because of you being unreasonable which you are not, but because it mif=ght stop your brother from coming too and I think spending time with his family can only be positive for him. I would grin and bear it and hope hs sees her for what she is really soon.

[GollyMissMolly]

If you have kids then she shouldn't be in your house behaving like that!

[madonnawhore]

Cupcakes, I know that's probably the right thing to do but I just feel really resentful that I'm going to have to spend the day biting my tongue and trying to be 'pleasant' when I just want to be able to relax and enjoy myself. I know Christmas can be a nightmare for a lot of families, but it's always really fun at our house and her being there is going to spoil it for me (selfish I know!). Also I know my dad would rather she wasn't there but he is too much of a lovely softie to ever say anything.

I just wish my brother had chosen somebody different. It really hurts to think of him being treated badly :( I'm a very protective older sis!

[Hedgeblunder]

That's really rubbish- she sounds pretty abusive to me. Tbh if you ask him to choose between You and her(in regards to Xmas) at the moment you'll probably end up pushing him away.
I agree with cupcakes- get her alone in the kitchen and tell her she is going to have to get her attitude in check and you won't hesitate to call the police if she lays a finger on him or his possessions.
It would be very easy to say 'tell him to grow a pair' but both men and women can be abused in relationships and this is what this sounds like to me.

[proudnscary]

Shudder @ 'bitch'. Awful word.

You are not being unreasonable in your concerns for your brother. You need to talk to him more and support him, then worry about Christmas nearer the time.

[madonnawhore]

memoo I know but whenever I imagine her coming at my brother with her fists, trying to punch him in the face, my blood boils and I feel like using a lot worse language to describe her!

He'd only been in his new job for a week - a job he really, really wanted and worked very hard to get - and she completely trashed his work laptop out of spite because he 'loved his job more than her'. He had to make up some excuse as to what happened to it because he was obviously too mortified to tell his new employers the truth.

What a horrible situation to have put him in. Actually I'm not sorry I called her a bitch. She IS a bitch for doing that.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think that she will want to distance your brother from his family, so the way to defeat her is to keep him as close as possible.

If she does kick off in your house, then by all means ask her to leave, but I would not exclude her from the start as she will try to stop your brother from being with his family at Christmas.

I think you should make lots of time to see your brother on his own and talk to him about your concerns. Sometimes people in these situations lose perspective at to what consitutes normal behaviour. He needs to be surrounded by people who let him know that screaming down the phone when he is at work/throwing his stuff out of windows etc is not normal or acceptable.

[POFAKKEDDthechair]

Why doesn't he leave her? He is not dependent on her in any way, is he? So why doesn't he leave?

[MaudOHara]

Agree with everything that karma has just said

[madonnawhore]

Hedgeblunder, yeah I have told him I think his relationship is abusive. I had a long EA relationship as well (but no violence) and I can see similar patterns in his relationship. Obviously being siblings, we have had the same horrible time with our EA mother and so we've both ended up in EA relationships. Didn't realise how classic a script we'd both followed until I came on here and started understanding what was going on with my own situation.

He's my baby bro and I just feel fiercely protective of him.

[madonnawhore]

Thanks Karma, I know you're right.

POFAKKED I honestly don't know. I've asked him this so many times. I think he feels sorry for her. Without going into too many details she went through a horrific experience about 3 years ago which she obviously hasn't dealt with. Everytime he tries to break up with her she plays the victim and he ends up staying. But IMO she needs to go and get professional help and sort herself out, not use her past trauma as a rod to continuously beat my brother with.

She needs the kind of help he can't give her. I keep telling him this but it's not going in.

[amidaiwish]

karma speaks a lot of sense.
keep him close

[POFAKKEDDthechair]

Yes difficult. But the relationship will not improve on its own. If he really wants to help her he needs to give her an ultimatum - seek professional help or the relationship is over.

[Tortington]

some people just like to live drama. my eldest sons girlfriend is like this. he once had to call the police becuase she was hitting him. he wouldn't hit her ( quite rightly)

i agree with a previous poster, i think when she kicks off, you should junp p with a smile and ask her to leave.

a smile that says, thank you, we just won!

[phipps]

YANBU to dread Christmas. It is your brother's relationship and his house but also your father's house and he has the right to a peaceful time in his own home. All you can do is be there for your brother and remind him he has choices if he talks to you about what she has done.

[cupcakesandbunting]

You definitely need to let her know that you are onto her. She will be less likely to get up to her tricks if she knows she is being watched.

Alternatively, could you contact her before the day and tell her that you would appreciate a bit of civility on christmas day?

[didgeridoo]

I agree with karma. Also, if she's prone to playing the victim, she will use you asking her to leave/not to come at all to her own advantage. I agree with other posters who've said to keep your brother close, remind him you are there to support him & hope he sees sense.