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AIBU?

does the girls dad have rights ???

18 replies

kerrymilesy · 13/10/2010 08:52

i am divorced, and been with my partner for almost 5years... very happy. I have custody of my 2girls.

unfortunately the girls are at the stage where they are playing one off against the other with me and their dad.

He's trying to tell me how to bring the kids up, and the kids will often say that "dad wont be happy with that".... and he has now said he is not happy with the way i am bringing the girls up !!!

They are not being harmed in anyway or form. And i have had to change my mobile number due to nasty text messages from him....

Does he really have the "right" to tell me how to bring them up ??? I tell the girls he has no say on how life is run in our household. am i being unreasonable ??? or is he being unreasonable ????

OP posts:

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WitchyFlisspaps · 13/10/2010 09:00

YANBU

It's also likely that there are times when they mean "I'm not happy with that" but know that saying their Dad won't like it is more likely to get you to stop doing it.

GypsyMoth · 13/10/2010 09:00

when you say that you have custody,what do you mean by that?

what things are annoying him about the dc upbringing? how old are they?

hairytriangle · 13/10/2010 09:10

He has equal rights as he is their parent too. But if he is interfering in hiw you parent, when there isn't a
problem with it then you need to find a way to co parent effectively.

ValiumSingleton · 13/10/2010 09:18

YANBU. What sort of thing would he allegedly not be happy with?? You not buying them something expensive? You not allowing them to stay up 'til 9.30?

Not only are the girls chancing their arm, but their Dad is just wielding his power. His children are happy and safe at your house, then the biggest DANGER is that they will be allowed by this situation to get into the habit of manipulating a situation to get what they want.

When they're at his house are you making demands/requests, eg, proof of a recent carbon monoxide check ..... (not so unreasonable).

On the bright side, well done that your children feel comfortable mentioning their father around you. You've obviously managed to split up from a man that is fond of a bit of control without the children being too cautious to chat about him in front of you. So I think that shows that you have presented a good strong front, show on the road etc..

kerrymilesy · 13/10/2010 18:59

Hiya'll.... the courts awarded me custody when we were going through our divorce. The girls are 10 and 8 yrs old...

example of things their dad is not happy with.... The eldest was half an hour late home one evening, so i took her phone off her for a couple of days as punishment. He wasnt happy about this as he bought the phone for her as a xmas present.

Another example... he told my youngest that she was too young to go out and play (even though we live on a private estate, no main road, and even younger children go out and play).... as someone might take her (told her to her face)

One more example.... both the girls were contstantly fighting and arguing for alomost a week solid, so i sent them to bed early (seperate bedrooms) almost every night, (after tea, 6pm ish).... Mainly for my own sanity too i think.... he wasnt happy bout this !!!.

I NEVER say anything when the girls come back and tell me stories about what they get upto at his (i may mumble under my breath), as i dont want the girls to hear what i really think of him !!!

I now cannot interact with him at all, as all it starts and ends with is arguements.

:(

OP posts:

miniwedge · 13/10/2010 19:05

Neither parent has rights. The children have rights, parents have responsibilities. (the childrens act)

You ex cannot interfere with the day to day running of your household unless you were actively causing harm to the children.

He can moan all he likes. And you can ignore all you like.

victoriascrumptious · 13/10/2010 19:10

Well, if that phone is his way of contacting them then YABU

Sending them to their bedrooms at 6pm for almost a week sounds a bit OTT too. Surely you have other ways of resolving issues like this?

ValiumSingleton · 13/10/2010 19:10

Kerry, he sounds controlling. I think that the least contact the better. Try not to respond when your children try to use the situation. Just go ahead with your discipline in your house. Same as he does. I doubt the children say to your x "oh, mummy wouldn't like that" so you don't want your children to absorb the idea that their father is still controlling you, even now. Thy mightn't even realise that until years later...

Just carry on believing in your own parenting and your own right to instill some disciplining measures.. you're entitled to do that. It's in the children's interest to realise that there are boundaries and that you are in charge in your own home. It sounds like they 'get' that in their father's home???!!!!! They GET that he is the boss in his home, but they question that you are in charge in your home. So for that reason I would stay firm, stay calm, try not to react to their 'daddy won't like that'. Say, Daddy? This is our house, yours and mine, Mummy is in charge of this house and Daddy does not live here.

ilovehens · 13/10/2010 19:47

My ex is very controlling and even objects to the fact that I don't cook a traditional sunday roast every week for my son!

Just ignore your ex. He has no right to try and interfere and control every aspect of your parenting. If he is concerned for the safety of his children he can always contact social services and they can always laugh in his face.

vespasian · 13/10/2010 19:49

Surely as their father he has the right to have a say in the lives of his children. He may be going about it the wrong way so try and involve him more so he does not feel the need to force his way in to their lives

APixieInMyTea · 13/10/2010 20:00

The phone thing he does have rights seen as though he bought it. My dp bought his ds a phone for his birthday as it was the only way of contacting him. His mother took the phone off him and her solicitor told her she had to give it back as it wasn't hers to take and she could be charged with theft. (we weren't going to report her or anything)

the other things, YANBU. Your house, your rules as long as you don't interfere with the way he brings the girls up in his house. (not counting abuse of course)

kerrymilesy · 13/10/2010 20:00

victoria.... he has our home phone number, so it isnt the only way to contact the children, and i dont think sending them to bed early for a week was over the top, as they needed to be seperated to stop the arguements...... it was a case of, they argued and fought (spitting, kicking)for a day, so they went to bed early that night... the same thing happened the following day... and so on..... (considering they go to bed between 8pm and 9pm anyway !! ).... anyhow... it resloved the problem anyway, and now its not as severe..... does anyone else think that was the wrong thing for me to do ????

Many thanks valium and mini. Yes he was and still is very controlling..... he just makes me feel inadequate as a parent sometimes... i know there is no guide books to bringing up kids, but i had a half decent up bringing, and im just doing for my kids exactly what my parent done for me, and my parents are proud of what i have become, which is down to their own parenting skills (for which i love them for) !!! is that so wrong ????

OP posts:

whiteandnerdy · 13/10/2010 20:03

I have enough of this with my ExP, I have no problem with her being unhappy with me and moaning to me (hey I just ignore her). The problem is when she doesn't moan to me and simply tells the kids that my parenting is 'wrong'. I continually get undermined by my ExP in this manner along with telling my DC that I'm a liar, a thief, violent, uncaring. Urrgh, at the end of the day it doesn't do the DC any good at all for either parent to be underminied by another.

Therefore IMO moaning between parents OK, moaning to DCs not OK.

Diamondback · 13/10/2010 20:19

To the kids: this isn't Daddy's house it's mine. My house, my rules.

To your Ex: save a text message that says, "The kids are playing us off against each other - don't rise to it." Send as many times as necessary until he stops behaving like a tool.

mamatomany · 13/10/2010 20:39

If he bought and is so concerned about the phone he can keep it at his house, he's lucky you let her have it at all (and that she hasn't lost it).
I would say what daddy does in his house is his business and vice versa, how many times on mumsnet have women been told they have no right to complain about the ex's new woman being introduced to the children the week after they've met etc etc.

saffy85 · 13/10/2010 21:15

You've done nothing I wouldn't personally do myself so no YANBU

"My house, my rules" is my war cry, so much so that DD aged 3 now says it too often before I do.

BTW I once sent DD to bed at half 5 (usual bedtime 7) because she was SO naughty. I sent her to her room actually for what was supposed to be 2 minutes but she was so tired and cross she ended up in bed asleep before 6.

Your ex is a prick, obviously, and clearly has control freak ishoos. Your girls are just making the most of it best way they know how, bless them, and winding you both up.

ChippingIn · 14/10/2010 01:27

YANBU not at all, not with any of those things.

Don't allow him to either mistrust your own judgement or undermine you, as others have said 'Daddy? This isn't Daddy's house so he doesn't get a say in it'.

I'd also tell DD that if she complain to her Dad again about losing her phone for bad behaviour, you'll give it back to him and she can have it when she is at his house.

He is being a twat and clearly still trying to control you - have more confidence in your parenting & ignore him. Alternatively, buy a large spade & find a suitable veggie patch!!

The girls need you to make it quite clear that it is your house, your rules and that you don't give a shit bring them up the way you think is best for them...

kerrymilesy · 14/10/2010 15:59

Many thanks to all of your comments.... you have all made me realise that it's HIS problem and NOT mine.

I now vow to be more confident in my own parenting skills, and not to doubt myself anymore.

Many thanks again xx

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