AIBU to want much more than I already have?

[zoelikesjam]

I know there have been tons of threads about the same situationish...and I am sorry if this is repetative! This is me and my problem.

Am I being unreasonable to want another child? AIBU To feel not compleat?

The story-

I have three of the most amazingly beautiful children you could imagine. I have an amazing husband. I feel i am being unreasonable to want another little one when others can't even have child number 1.

Background-

My eldest-are my husbands stepchildren. My youngest is his. He has an amazing job and can support us well, we are well off and can comfortably afford another child;

Problem-
1.All my children have been 'premish' Jaimee was born at 36 weeks, Lewis at 33weeks and Amelia at 30weeks...the patern suggest's a 3 week gap thingy, and looking at it the next child would be born at 27weeks. The grief we went though with our youngest was terrible and the thought of having another 'premmie' terrifies me.

1. I am disabled, I am in a wheelchair, recently so i've coped with looking after
   

6,4,2year olds...how do i cope with a baby?

3,I have Bi polar disorder which causes terrible post natal deppression and messes with my mental state when pregnant...

I feel like at right dick posting this, With people unable to have children and i have three perfect childen already.

My husband and i agreed that we would go/talk to pychs, peads, gps, midwifes etc and go from there when little one was in full time nursery...she starts in January.

Am I being unreasonable to want another little one NOW? I've just (finally) told hubby how i feel.

I could and have cried.
This is pants

[Hedgeblunder]

Ummmm.... A bit of both really! How do you think your children would feel about it? I think it's the medical aspect that I'm most worried about- the combination of prem, bipolar and anxiety seems quite scary and I don't know that I could cope with that personally.
Why is it you want another child?
And, I don't mean to be intrusive/out of line but are you a bit lonely?

[Heracles]

YABU to not realise and enjoy all that you've been gifted so far. That doesn't make you a bad person, just an U one.

[onceamai]

Who is going to look after the three older children and the baby if/when you are too ill to do so after the birth?

[proudnglad]

I understand your yearning - that's not unreasonable. But in reality I think it would be irresponsible and unfair on your exisitng children.

Post natal depression, bi-polar, a prem baby, your disability...how will this all impact on them, let alone you and your partner?

I think now is the time to count those blessings and work through your feelings ie why you are so desperate for baby number 4 given all the above.

[nickytwotimes]

Logic doesn't enter into how anyone feels wrt wanting kids.

zoe, you already know that it would be a big strain on you and on those around you to have another kid just now. But that doesn't stop you WANTING one and that is completely understandable! Personally, I think it would be unwise for you to have one, but I do not think you are unreasonable for wanting one!

January isn't far away - see how things are then. And I think that you do appreciate what you have already from what you say about your fab kids.

[chiaroscuro]

I think you should look at each of the 'againsts' and assess with your DH how you would 'manage' these if you have your much longed for 4th child.

If these issues are proving detrimental to your existing children, then I would advise that maybe indeed you should count your blessings and perhaps focus on fulfilling your life in another way.

But if you are providing a balanced, loving, secure and stable environment for your existing 3, and have done so between you with these 'conditions' already in place then, apart from the prem baby issue, of which I have no experience, then I can see no reason why not.

[zoelikesjam]

Lol at my grammar and spelling, Its not usually great, coupled with extreme tiredness last night it was far from perfect was it?!

We cope perfectly with our children, I have a lot of support from my children's school, health visitors, Doctors, childminders, home start etc.
My husband would like another child, we have the space, financial stability and a loving environment to bring another child into. Our two eldest would love for me to have another(baby mad!) and I have always wanted to have a large family.

These are my biggest issue?s, I will explain how I have coped previously when pregnant. My bipolar is under control, my biggest concern is that I would have to have all my medication changed round(I think) as I?m pretty sure the medication would be unsafe in pregnancy. I am worried that it might make my Bp unstable.
My disability is a funny one! Well not funny ha-ha but interesting. I have a problem with my knees and hips, joint, ligament, tendon, cartridge etc tis not nice. I am in a lot of pain a lot of the time, and have been for many years. I am on serious pain medication which would have to stop during pregnancy and change. I know I would be in agony for the amount of weeks I would carry, but having done this three times before I know I can deal with it.

I have had post natal depression with all three children, With Jaimee it was nasty but I was able to cope, my Bipolar had not been diagnosed back then. When I had Lewis the PND was horrendous, there were a lot of external influences which added to it I?m sure, some of you will be aware if you have read my previous posts, and I had to go into a mother and baby unit for a few weeks with Lewis and was put under an amazing peri natal psychiatrist. When I found out I was expecting Amelia I was terrified. She wasn?t planned and after what I had been through with Lou it was absolutely petrifying. My consultant referred me back to the peri natal team whilst I was pregnant, so if the PND did strike again they would be on hand. It did return, back with a vengeance due to the fact she was premature, but I went to see the peri natal psychiatrist days after she was born and she sorted my medication out and I got through it. Had I not been referred whilst pregnant I would have had to wait months for an appointment.I have no doubt in my mind if we did have another child they would do this again. I know that the psychiatrist would adapt my medication to suit.

With regards to my disability when I have been pregnant before it has been agonising but I?ve coped. Again there is no doubt in my mind that my consultants again would do everything they could to re arrange my medication.
The ability to cope does worry me but we have coped well with our children previously so maybe its not a valid worry?

My husband and I have sat and discussed this endlessly and come up with a plan, of sorts! The idea is, when little one starts school in January we go and see ALL my consultants, the peri natal team, midwifes etc and see what they think. See if we can realistically have another child, medication and illness wise.See if they will adjust my medication BEFORE we start trying and maybe see how I/we cope for a few months.
We?ve also decided to talk to the neonatal doctors and see if there is anything we can do to prevent or make things easier if the baby were to be premature. My biggest ask would be if they would give me steroids I guess. All three children have been ?lucky?, I have gone into labour at 24 weeks with all of them, which have been successfully stopped BUT each time I?ve been given steroids. When we had Amelia the neonatal paediatrician told us that the steroids I was given helped greatly, he said if I had been given them when I was admitted(when I had her at 30weeks) they wouldn?t have really helped. As it was, being given them at 24weeks and having them swimming around her system for 6weeks enabled her to be able to breathe unaided and feed.

I guess, well I know what the issue is. I am terrified of them telling me no, you can?t have another child. I do feel very unreasonable as we are very blessed with our children.
Amelia was a twin, and we lost her brother early in the pregnancy so maybe that is making this burning need fire up even more so. Maybe that's making me want to do something now rather than waiting. Maybe I just want to know if we can?

Heracles-I do realise how blessed we are, and I enjoy my children very much, each and every day. So no, I am not unreasonable in that respect.
Onceamai-If I were to be to ill after the birth my husband, his parents, my friends and the rest of our support network would look after them.

?But if you are providing a balanced, loving, secure and stable environment for your existing 3, and have done so between you with these 'conditions' already in place then, apart from the prem baby issue, of which I have no experience, then I can see no reason why not ?
I think the premature thing is the one that scares me the most. We?ve coped beautiful without any impact on our children and I can give plenty of for and against reasons on every other aspect.

Sorry for such a rambling long post.
And Hedge blunder-Hmmm I am lonely I guess, when the children are at school, little one is at nursery, hubby is at work I don?t have a lot to do. We have a cleaner who does the housework, so I don?t have to do that, we have an ironing lady, so again nothing for me to do there. The only time I feel normal is when we are together as a family, which with school and work is far and few hours between. Maybe I should get a dog!

Thanks for all your posts and opinion's, I am very grateful to you all for taking time out to add your thoughts x

[HerbWoman]

Just an aside, have you been tested for coeliac? I don't know what the problem with your joints is but I know that coeliac can be associated with many different symptoms, not all of them digestive. We're talking depression, anxiety, joint pains (coeliac can be linked with other auto-immune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis), fertility problems (recently they have suggested that this includes prem delivery as well as miscarriage). Not everyone gets the classic symptoms of diarrhoea and weight loss - I certainly didn't until last year, yet I think now that I have had it for years (if not always).

[minipie]

Hmmm. Leaving aside the issues about whether you'd cope, it does sound like you need to examine a bit more why you want a fourth.

You said "I don?t have a lot to do... The only time I feel normal is when we are together as a family, which with school and work is far and few hours between. Maybe I should get a dog!"

That does suggest that you are wanting a baby because of loneliness or boredom, or wanting to feel "needed" or "useful". If you do have a fourth then at some point he/she will grow up and go to school. What will you do then - have another and another?

As a suggestion, would you consider volunteering somewhere? Perhaps somewhere with children or babies? I know it will be more difficult with your health issues but I'm sure there would be places which would love to have your help. Also, do you have a circle of friends that you see? Hobbies?

[minipie]

By the way YANBU to feel like this.

[coatgate]

Not sure if YABU. But can I ask why your youngest is going to nursery full time in January? If you are at home could she not stay at home with you?

[zoelikesjam]

Herbwomen-its never even been suggested, but i will mention it to my GP next time i see him, thanks.
Minipie-I don't want a little one because i am bored :) I feel very needed and useful with the three i 'run' around after, I am very lonely when every one else buggers off though! We have always wanted four children, it was our magic number of sorts, and when I found out i was expecting twins we were both elated and kind of thought we'd got our much wanted 'number'. When we lost him it obviously affected us all massively as a family. No I wouldn't have another and another lol, we are very happy with our beautiful 'gush' adorable three, but we would love another. I wish i could volunteer somewhere, if I could I would go back to work in a heartbeat! But unfortunately I can't do a lot without my magnitude of carers/helpers etc so its not really an option.

Coatgate-Milly currently goes to nursery two days a week, something I insisted upon as she is a very lively toddler, and it would be super unfair for me to keep her confined to one room in the house all the time with me. There is only so much I can do with her, painting, playdough, baking etc before she wants to explore the garden/upstairs, before she wants to go for walks and spend time with other children(if i was 'normal' i'd take her to the park, swimming, mother&baby groups like i did with my eldest)
In January she starts pre-sch and as both the eldest have attended and come out shining beautifully I wouldn't take that opportunity away from her.
Both my husband and I agreed when she went full time we would look into it
x

[LionsAreScary]

YANBU to want another child, but I'm not sure if it is the right thing to have one.

You sound like a pretty amazing person by the way. I sometimes struggle with 3 kids and no health problems... well I admire you.

[zoelikesjam]

Lions-Thankyou, you have made me all emotional! and teary!!!!!!
I'm not in any way an amazing person. We cope, we have TONS of help, I do nothing, honestly, Except love and coddle my children! I lie here on the sofa and do nothing. Well, ok I obviously look after the little ones when hubby isn't here, I try my hardest to 'run' ;) around after our littlest darling, paint with her, bake with her on my knee in the wheelchair.
I can't however take her out of the house alone. I can't do the things with her normal mums would, thats all left to the childminder, christ she knows more about the kids schooling than I do. Its hard. But I know I could look after another little one. What worries me is the health implications.
Thankyou again, for making me feel a little bit special, I only normally get that feeling when the children show their appreciation!