to want H to give up Sunday league football

[cornflakequeenie]

H has been a manager of a Sunday league footy team for around 6 years now. He always says he's going to give up after the season, but always goes back.

Since having our son 8 months ago, he vowed to give it up to spend some time with us. So far, he's more into it now than ever - running around town with paperwork to sign, endless phone calls with players about tactics!! I made the mistake once of reminding him that he's not Fabio Capello which put him in a mood.

Anyway, I just need to know if I'm being a nag and just leave him to it. He goes out at 12pm and doesn't come home until 6pm, sometimes later depending on who's at the pub. He also plays football on a Tuesday, and tonight has seen DS for a staggering 10 minutes (inbetween phone calls)

I'm just starting to feel like he's really beginning to take the piss. I try and support him, but I end up getting even more angry.

Oh I dunno, sorry for going on :(

[ICantGetMuchSleep]

YANBU - It is good for DH to have a hobby / interest out of the home but surely not at the expense of spending time with you as a family. Have you spoken to him about this? Not as a nag when he's been out for hours but at a neutral time when you and he are less likely to respond emotionally. Alternatively, what about if you found a hobby and left him with your DS? Not as a revenge but more as a way of making DH spend time with DS.

[newwave]

I would leave him to it, It's a good way to keep fit. Just agree with him what he will do for you the other six nights a week.

[tinierclanger]

Actually, I think it is too much for one parent to be absent that much every single week at the weekend. Once a fortnight, or occasionally, is different. So I vote YANBU.

[cornflakequeenie]

Everytime we have a conversation about it, it always ends up as an arguement. I'm quite hot headed, but I really do try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

As soon as I suggest going back to my fitness class (I went every week before DS) I can see him beginning to panic. Im going out for a drink with my friends on Friday night for he first time in God knows when, and even then I could see the panic on his face that he might just have to put DS to bed.

Maybe he's not sure how to be around him, scared even. I just don't know, but I want him to want to spend the weekends with us - not for me to nag on at him all the time as it isn't nice to be nagged at.

He sometimes works on Saturdays, too. So some weekends we hardly see him.

[tinierclanger]

So there is more to this. He needs to be doing more parenting and he needs some practice at taking DS on his own.

[maktaitai]

I think you need to find out what's going on when he looks like he's panicking, and get to grips with it. He needs to be comfortable with his own children . I'm not going to say he should definitely give up the football, but he does need to know that you are royally fed up with the number of hours it's taking and his evasion of his previous promise.

[Dancergirl]

I think 12-6pm every Sunday is a bit much - it's pretty much the whole day. You can't even do anything in the morning unless you fancy starting at the crack of dawn and I wouldn't want to on a Sunday.

[suzikettles]

I think there's something in that (panicked if he doesn't spend a lot of time with ds on his own).

There's only one way round that and it's to bite the bullet and make sure he does more. And that means leaving him to it, not criticising, letting him find his own way of doing things with ds. Saying something like "I'm popping out for an hour" and just going is a good start.

Don't micro-manage it - just make sure he knows where the nappies and the milk are kept and you're away.

Dh once took ds out for the afternoon and forgot the nappy bag. Ds came home wrapped in dh's jumper . He didn't do that again. No biggie.

[OrmRenewed]

"but I want him to want to spend the weekends with us"

Hmmmm..... you can't force that unfortunately. It's one thing to want him to be a proper parent and take sole responsibility for your child, it's another to expect him to want the same things as you .

I think the football is a red herring. Wouldn't you feel different about that if he was pulling his weight elsewhere?

[bigchris]

I think it's fine as long as you go out 12-6 on a Saturday!

[cornflakequeenie]

I think there is more to this than just the football when I look back over the last 8 months. I went for a spa day not so long ago, and I had to write down his meal times, what he has to eat and when he needs to sleep.

We came back earlier than expected and the look on his face, he was so pleased to see me.

[bigchris]

I'm happy for my dh to spend every Wednesday evening out because I spend most Friday evenings out
win win

[cornflakequeenie]

bigchris - maybe I could suggest that to H, I wonder what he'd say!

[Lilymaid]

Give him a few years and he'll be out with your DS at junior football every weekend. You'll have some peace and won't have to stand on the touch lines in freezing weather cheering your DS on.
I think YABU (to some extent). You don't want to stop him having an interest outside home and work but he needs to balance his responsibilities.

[CHUNKYMUNKEY]

My DP plays Sunday League football every Sunday (obviously) this takes from roughly 9am until 3pm including travel to the games, sorting out paperwork ect,

I hate it, It drives me mad and we have huge arguments over it, he loves it but he also works on a Saturday so we cannot do anything as a family, he works quite long hours so i feel like a single parent most days, i understand he needs a hobby but i feel its very selfish.

We have compromised that he doesn't go 1 sunday in every month, but this was only after i threatened to leave him as i had enough. He also doesn't go during May to August so i get a break in the summer.

Try and agree a compromise, easier said than done. My dp would be miserable if i told him to stop and i don't want that either. He does take our eldest dd with him as she loves to watch.

[cornflakequeenie]

That's exactly it Lilymaid. No way do I want him to stop having his interests, I just want him to realise that Sunday league football is not the be all and end all. I'd love it if he was to just say to me that actually, this weekend I'm not going to football and have a cosy day at home with us, or to the seaside or something.

[tinierclanger]

When you have kids, you have to give up some stuff. He needs to accept that. Play the football rather than managing it, and transfer that commitment to the family. Having a regular evening out is fair enough as long as you get the same.

[ChippingIn]

Cornflake - one of my Ex boyfriends

Managed a Sunday League (Tue nights & usually 10-6 Sundays)

Had a Season Pass to one of the Big Name Teams so went to all of their home games (which was 'home' when he grew up, but quite a distance from us) & travelled away to most of their away games.

Supported the local Big Name Team - so went to their home games or watched them on TV (recorded if it clashed with 'Big Name Team').

Had to watch any games he missed live and the ones he had been to etc


He was lovely in many ways, but I did get somewhat fed up of it - and we didn't even have kids!! However, I knew all this when we met, so couldn't really complain (well not too much :) - because there's a huge difference between 'knowing' and 'realising what this means'!!)

So I understand how you would feel in your position.

The thing is, it's really hard when you are the Manager of a Team to just say 'I wont go today'.

In the end we came to a compromise - he and a friend would 'job share' the Sunday team and although it didn't half the job, it did give us the odd night and Sunday free (although sometimes this was still a football day :(....LOL ).


I think you need to talk to DH though and he needs to get comfortable with having DS. There's no reason he can't take him to practice or games :)

[curlymama]

Your H should be allowed to continue his football thing, but you should be allowed out too. Find something regular that you would like to do, and do it. Even if you just wander round the shops and drink coffee for a couple of hours. Your H can't complain if he's got his time off too, and he definately can't have it all his own way. But in the long term it will be good for your family and your marriage for your husband to have an interest in something, and you should be supportive of that.