to feel the need to say something to them?

[ladybirdladybirdflyawayhome]

I'm not very good with friendships but over the last year or so I have managed to become friends with a small group of mums from school (mum's from my DD's class)

There are 6 women in this group but 2 of them work part time leaving 4 of us doing the school rat run every day & one of these mums works as a ta in the school.

I was asked at the beggining of last year if my DD wanted to do flower arranging after schol, when I asked where & when I was told by this ta mum friend that she was organising it & it has turned out that only our 4 daughters attend after school.

So in this past year I have sent in a few bunches of flowers & some leaves etc & most days my DD has given her arrangement to any passing teacher on the way out.

No problems.

2 weeks ago DD came out of flower arranging telling me "you need to give ta friend £2"

Bit confussed so popped my head round & asked what she needs money for & got told I am meant to be paying £2 a week for flower arranging [hmmm] first I have been told about it but really not a problem paying £2 a week just wish she had told me when we started as I assumed it was a school funded activity just like science club & netball.

Nothing at all to do with this incident but DD has been struggling with homework & spellings so we have cut her clubs to one a week instead of 5 & flower arranging is going to be one of the clubs she isn't going to any more.

Didn't get a chance to tell ta friend that we aren't going anymore because I overheard a convo between her & another school friend mum saying "well if she can't be bothered to pay you then just don't let x (my DD) come today".

I know it shouldn't bother me but my instant reaction as always is to distance myself & just not bother being friends with someone who would rather gossip behind my back over something so stupid - No one ever mentioned paying per week but all of a sudden it's whispers of "x's mum has never paid for flower arranging"

I wanted to take £10 to the school today & just tell ta mum we are not doing it anymore & here is the money to cover this terms fees. And then have nothing more to do with her & her gossiping friend but my husband thinks I should say something about them talking behind my back?

I'm so not good with confrontation, especially when we are only talking about some rubbish flower arranging class.

What do you think & sorry it's so long.

[Beatlebum]

I am going through the same sort ofthing at the moment.

My view is that lifes too short. If they are talking behind your back either distance yourself, or let it wash over you.

[gapbear]

Give her the tenner, and tell her your daughter will no longer be attending.

Walk away, don't be tempted to get into justifications or "I overheard...I was going to...". You can't win with a person like that.

[JeanieLouLou]

I hate gossipers. Poor you...

So are you still expected to help out with the school run for these mums who are giving you a hard time about the money?

I agree with Gapbear...hand over the money and then distance yourself from the mums who were gossiping. But don't tar them all with the same brush - there's no point losing all the friendships you've made because of one or two nasty people. Especially if it's not easy to make new friendships.

Hope it all goes ok xx

[ladybirdladybirdflyawayhome]

I did think walking away would be the best option especially as the mum she was gossiping with who said "don't let her daughter go today" would have no worries about shouting her mouth of (I've seen her do it before & it was very embarrasing) and I couldn't be doing with any of that outside the school gate.

I so can't be bothered with all of this, it really is like being back in school sometimes!!

I don't have a car at the minute & all the girls have been invited to a party in another town, I have asked how the other girls are getting there & it's been very "well ta mum is taking nost of them in her mini bus car thing" but there doesn't seem to be any room for my daughter.
Not sure what we have done but surely this isn't all over a £2 flower arranging class?

Thanks for the help x

[Tippychoocks]

It's horrible isn't it? I had a similar thing this week and though my instincts shouted at me to call them on it and have it out, I went home and tried to think it through to the end result.

So if you paying up and DD not going to the class any more results in TA mum being a bitch and slagging you, well fine, you can take it? It'll be forgotten soon enough. But if you kick off at them then they'll still bitch about you but DD may be involved and it may spiral into something bigger.

So on balance, even though it kills me to do it, I think you should do the same as I did and (in your case) pay up and ask TA mum about the party. Then stay well away from the crowd of bitches

[Pixieonthemoor]

Oh gosh its all so playground isnt it?! I agree with most of the other posters here - pay up the cash and say she wont be attending anymore due to cutting back the clubs in favour of homework time. Personally I would also make a point of saying that no one told you that you were supposed to be paying £2 a week and you were horrified when you found out. Then I would avoid the bitchy ones and stay on good terms with the others if poss. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

[Mumcentreplus]

Just pay the money and run!!...some people love a good bitchfest

[ladybirdladybirdflyawayhome]

lol mcp!! That is exactly what I plan to do, I'm going to leave a little earlier than normal & plan to catch her just before she goes into school to set up (and before the crowd also show up)
I will give her the £10 pounds, tell her DD won't be attending afterschool clubs this term & leg it {grin}

Will take all my energy & self respect though becaue all I really want to do is smash them over the head with a bunch of flowers & scream "GROW UP" in their faces. {blush}

[ElbowFan]

Why not put your £10 (with a brief note) in an envelope and drop it in to the school office before you collect your DD. Explain there that the club has to be dropped and apologise etc leaving the staff to explain.If/as this is an after school club, you should have had a letter explaining the cost.

[StealthPolarBear]

Definitely say you werren't aware of it
Then steer clear, you don't need friends like this

[alicet]

what pixionthemoor said

[chitchat09]

You don't like confrontation? Maybe your TA friend doesn't either, and didn't know how to approach you again and consulted the other friend.

I wouldn't necessarily assume there was anything malicious about it all!

Also, your TA friend might well have thought you did know about the money, if it was mentioned when all of you were together. Perhaps you just didn't hear it. But if you had a hard time making friends, don't give up on these ones this fast.

And how would they view you posting about it on MN? You can rightly say you were looking for some advice, but to them it could just look like a bit of online gossiping!!

[CheeseandGherkins]

Maybe they weren't gossiping as such but just talking about it? It just sounds like crossed wires to me and nothing at all to get upset about. Maybe she was confused and embarrassed to say anything to you, perhaps she thought she already told you about the cost and didn't want to bring it up again and was asking for advice? Similar to the way you are asking for advice on here but she was asking her friend at school instead?

Personally I'd just apologise and explain, speak the truth and then get on with it, life is far too short to be petty. No reason to stop being friends with someone over.

[ChippingIn]

I agree with ChitChat & Cheese...

& what Pixie said...

Thanks girls

[agedknees]

Should TA be talking to another mother about someone else's child? Surely she signed a confidentiality clause in her employment contract.

[ladybirdladybirdflyawayhome]

Well I did speak to her, explained that we were dropping DD's afterschool clubs this term to concentrate on homework & ta friend was fine with this.

I then asked her to take the £10 & when she refused telling me it was to much I just said I want you to take it, I wasn't aware that it was owed & now no-one can gossip about me not paying our way.
Ta friend asked who has been gossiping but when I said I didn't want to get into it & take the money she agreed & took the money (I think she realized I had heard the 2 of them this morning as I wasn't standing very far away & the other friend is very loud.

Just want to add that I am just seeking opinions & I don't mean for here to sound like my bitch feast I just wondered what others would do/say so thanks x

[Tippychoocks]

agedknees - I really wish many school professionals thought as you did. I have been told some amazing (not in a good way and yes I cut them off) things by school staff and have overheard my recently more gossip-worthy life being discussed by same .

ladybird, glad it's sorted

[ChippingIn]

Did you apologise and say that until DD said about the money last time, you had no idea they were charging for the course...and of course you'd have been happy to pay had you known...?

Did you part in a friendly way or did you walk off??

It really doesn't sound like they were gossiping in a nasty way - maybe she just said she felt bad that she had asked your DD to pay and the other woman jumped in and said what she did...

Anyway, if you like her and the girls get on, you should carry on as you were before this.

[Spinkle]

Erm, there's no 'confidentiality clause' for a TA, what she should have is a decent level of professionalism.

TA's automatically become 'one of them' I'm afraid and that kinda means they have to take a bit of a step back with the other mums in school. Other mums could (and I'm not saying they will) put TA mum in awkward position, and vice versa.

She should know better frankly.

School mums can be, well, just plain scary. Stay away!! stay away!!

[MrsMoosickle]

OP - I think you handled that brilliantly.

Chipping in - sounds like pretty standard gossip to me, unlike OP's message on here which came across as a balanced, genuine enquiry