To be a bit pissed off with this friend.......

[iliketosleep]

Long story short we have been good friends since school, we were going to be godmothers to each others children etc

She has been with me through some crap times and some good times. Every night after work she used to come round we would order a pizza and have a good chat.

Rewind time to 6 years ago. I got a text from her one night to say she had bumped into someone from school and how good looking he is, after a few days of her obsessing I stepped in and got them together. It all went downhill from there. She stopped coming to my house and started spending everynight at her new BF house which is absolutly fine but then gradually the phone calls stopped and the texts stopped and she didn't often answer her phone. We would see each other every now and then but when we did we found it hard to end the conversations and sometimes ended up outside a shop for over an hour nattering.

Anyway, the week before last I got another rare phonecall and she said that she will definately come down either Xday or Xday as she hasn't seen the kids for ages (3 years)

Xday and Xday came and went and there was no sign, my phone call again remained unanswered. Then the night before last at about 8:30 I was just about to get my PJ's on and get comfy for the night when there was a knock on the door. Enter DF in floods of tears after having an argument with her DP. I invite her in, make her a cup of tea and spend the next 3 hours listening to her problems and trying to tell her that it ISN'T ok to stop him wanking because you don't like it or putting locks on his computer so he can only go on the internet supervised, but also telling her that he sounds like he is being a wanker etc so fair I think, not taking sides. (this is the very short version BTW) 11:30 comes and she gets a phone call from DP so immediately grabs her keys apologises for running and says she will phone me tomorrow (yesterday) Guess what?

Am I being unreasonable for feeling a little bit used?

I am also in the situation where I am getting my DC christened this year and DH doesn't want her to be godmother as she hasn't seen DC for 3 or so years except for when they have been with me and she has said hello. I can see his point but it was a pact we had. Do I keep it quiet?

Sorry to babble!!

[alicet]

So you are going to ask someone to be godmother because of a pact you made 6 years ago and who hasn't seen your child for 3 years? madness - I'm with your dh on this one

[nagoo]

She's not being a friend to you.

Choose a proper godparent.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

YANBU to feel used, and YANBU not to want her as godmother. Does she even share your Christian conviction these days?

[iliketosleep]

I know it sounds ludacris but she was at one point my best friend ever, we know each other inside out and can talk about anything. When we do see each other its like we are best friends again. I would feel like im betraying her in a way..

[stretchmummy]

It's your DH's choice as well though, isn't it? Sometimes people just move in different directions in life, I'd say that you probably don't know her inside out anymore. I wonder if she would still describe you as her best friend. (I don't want to be hurtful.)

[SheWillBeLoved]

You aren't betraying her. What good is a godparent if they are never around? Godparents are traditionally people who you would entrust with your children's lives - I can't say I'd do that with somebody who last saw my DC 3 years, is shite at keeping in touch, is shite at keeping her word, and is completely unreliable.

People change, life moves on. I think your key phrase here is "She was at one point my best friend" - I wouldn't say she was any more. I have a friend who I saw every day, for years on end, we were joined at the hip and would have died for each other. I promised her she'd be my first child's godmother. These days, we speak maybe once every few weeks if lucky, and even though I'd still drop everything for her if she needed me, I wouldn't dream of having her as a godparent now, and she doesn't even have the form your 'best friend' does.

[stretchmummy]

Feeling guilty as I haven't seen my Godson in nearly a year now. His Mum was my best friend for ages but I have moved North and he is still in London. Send him hefty birthday and Christmas gifts though, I guess he'd think that was what counted.

[iliketosleep]

No its fine! what I have thought myself to be truthful. I'm just a bit worried how its all going to end up. She is pushing 30 whereas he is under mid 20 she is ready to settle down, move out get married have kids. He still lives in his bedroom at his mums house (where she goes every night) wants to move out but says they cannot afford it, wants to have a baby when they move out and never wants to get married. She said she cried when he told her that 6 years ago she had a wide circle of friends, used to go out all the time, had a good job with good pay so could afford to go and buy new clothes, bags, shoes etc then all of a sudden it went to nothing. She no longer see's that circle of friends, no longer has that job, no longer has that money, no longer goes out and its terrible to say but she has put on a lot of weight, she used to be a size 8 now i'm reckoning on 18. She is always on this diet that diet, her DP has taken the piss out of her because of her weight, he puts her down and she thinks its her fault. She doesn't trust him a tiny bit neither of them have facebook accounts as she is paranoid he is going to run off with someone else.. It's crazy!

[iliketosleep]

Oh yeah...we live on the same street....

[newwave]

People grow apart even best friends, it just happens.

[SheWillBeLoved]

It may well be crazy, but it's her crazy, not yours. She will come too sooner or later, hopefully. Until then, you just have to sit on your hands and gag your mouth. All of what you said is also a lot of good reasons not to have her as Godmother. It's far too much crazy to attach to your DCs life for the sake of a 6 year old 'pact'.

[zazen]

It sounds like your friend is in trouble actually.

Try and help her more. Do you ever drop in on her? She sounds lost. He sounds like a very horrible person - putting her down and isolating her from her friends. Why did she stop working?

No advice about the christening, but I'd offer her to be one of the godmothers - you can have more than one you know.

Maybe your friend will kick this guy into touch and get her life back... I think you need to be a friend to her now more than ever - friends help each other in all weathers - she sounds like she's being abused to me, especially the comment about him phoning her and she jumps up to run to him.... Like she was out after her curfew...

[iliketosleep]

More of a 15 year pact I think I may be in denial with it all. After leaving school at 16 to have DD1 I left with only 2 good friends. This one and another that lives 1 and a half hours drive away but makes the effort to come and see me and DC every week on her day off despite working full time 6 days a week. She IS going to be a godmother! Its just so sad that what we had is no more and I don't want to see her crash and burn :(

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

zazen, he's horrible? She's the one who tells him he's not allowed to masturbate, and tries to control his web usage!

I'd say they're simply not suited, and leave it at that.

[iliketosleep]

zazen She said he said he was sorry and was upset. I told her everything she didn't want to hear. That you can be mentaally abused as well as physically and more often than not women go back to abusive partners 'because they're sorry' I told her that she has to stop being so paranoid. She took her internet wires from her house to his so that he knows she has no internet so he has to not have internet if that makes sense. She won't let him look at porn, she sees no reason why he likes to look at topless women, she doesn't go out with her mates so he doesn;t go out with his. Its tit for tat really but in a bad way.

I've tried to pop in on her but she is usually in bed or in the bath and then she has gone to her DPs.

I've told her straight that she would be stupid to have a DC as her relationship seems to be a trainwreck and it wouldn't be fair to bring a DC into it. Not in those exact words, was alot softer lol

[SheWillBeLoved]

So if she is stupid for having DC as her relationship is a train wreck, why are you putting your DC on that train?

Unless she agrees to make more of an effort, not only with your friendship, but with the DC, then I'm afraid you'd be better off asking the friend who doesn't live in the same street as you but can actually be arsed with you. Baffled as to why you wouldn't choose her to be honest.

[Kewcumber]

it sin;t about whether you and her had a pact or in fact anything to about you and her. Its about providing a caring and involved godparent FOR YOUR CHILD. Of course many turn out not to be like that but I doubt many people choose godparents who they know in advacne are not going to be at all supportive of your child going forward.

Be supportive of her but don;t saddle your child with her too.

[iliketosleep]

Baffled as to why you wouldn't choose her to be honest is that tounge in cheek or do you mean baffled as to why other friend isn't asked?

Other friend that lives far away was asked a couple of weeks ago and nearly hit the roof with joy then spent the rest of the day questioning what she had to do. When I told her she had to reject the devil she went lol

[SheWillBeLoved]

I was asking why your more reliable, committed friend wasn't asked :)

You have to see that she is the best of the two options? You have to think about your children here, not you and your old friendships and promises.

[iliketosleep]

I did want them both, My DC love her to bits and are always asking after her except for DD3 who is 2 so has only really seen her in passing. I'm just scared of hurting her. :(

[SheWillBeLoved]

Does she even remember your pact? You have to look out for your DC. Having her as Godmother would be a massive mistake in my opinion. You don't owe her anything y'know? Bloody hell she lives in the same street as you but prefers to spend her time sat in her boyfriends bedroom at his parents house? Says it all really, doesn't it? If she is in any way sane, she can't possibly still expect to be considered for this role.

[Kewcumber]

"and are always asking after her" - and how disappointing is it going to be for your DC when she has a "special" place in their lifes and still doesn;t bother to see them. Sorry I have an unreliable father and whilst I know thats more serious than an unreliable godparent, it still poor form to set your childrne up to be disappoined. And in my humble opinion your children hurt outranks your adult friends hurt.

[krissi]

The world is "ludicrous". Ludacris is a rapper.

[iliketosleep]

Damn my tiredness typos!!

[DetectivePotato]

She is a user.

I had a friend like this. We were friends from school. Ended up working at the same place. She was my miad of honour when I got married.

I got M.E./CFS and was off work sick and had to leave, she got a boyfriend and the only time I saw her was when she split with him and was around mine every evening until she got over it, or when she had absolutely nothing to do, which was about once every 6 months. This was after I went part time and she broke her leg and when I should have been resting on my days off, I was taking her out and about as her mum was driving her mad at home.

Needless to say, we are not friends anymore. I can't be bothered with user friends anymore. I have had far too many.

Your friend sounds very similar and I certainly wouldn't have her as GM just because you made a pact years ago. People change and move on. If she did say anything, just tell her you and your DH are choosing someone who is more involved with your childrens lives. Clearly this isn't her.