To have stopped making an efford to see PIL

[easternstar]

DH and I had our first child in Feb.

My mum is divorced and lives alone near us. His parents live about 3 hours drive away.

We would visit them about every couple of months, maybe every three months before baby. They never visited us apart from a couple of times. His dad stopped working in his 30s and hasn't done anything since then, he doesn't like socialising (refused to come to our baby's naming ceremony) and has few friends.

Before baby, when they did visit us we'd give them our bed and sleep on the futon in the spare room.

Since baby arrived when they came down they stayed at my mum's. This (I thought) was more convenient for everyone as my mum had the space, a spare double bed and we only have the 2 bedrooms - our room and the spare room which is now the nursery. I thought they all got on well.

His mum came alone and slept on our sofa once. I just assumed that his dad didn't want to bother coming for one night only.

Then she came alone again for just an afternoon on the train and I overheard her say that his father didn't want to stay at my mum's house because she talks too much and he feels that he has to 'perform' for her. I asked mum about this (she is quite chatty which can be tiring but she means well and is a nice person) - she said she knew she had this tendancy and tried her hardest not to chat too much when he was around.

Although she can be annoying it makes me furious for anyone else to criticise her. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite but I am upset that he feels this way about her.

Since having the baby I really feel that I don't want to give up my bed to them, I don't think they'd be comfortable on the futon (he has hip problems) and it seems crazy that they won't just stay at my mum's in a nice, comfy double bed down the road just at night and spend the whole day with us.

Maybe I should be giving them my bed and inviting them to see their grandson more often. Maybe I should invite them and say they can have the futon and I move the baby in with us whilst they're here.

But I'm not disposed to be nice and invite them now that I know what they think of my mum.

I used to be the one who said to DH "Isn't it about time we went to see your parents?" etc. but I don't now. If he wants to arrange it I'll go along with it but there's no way I'm putting myself out.

[Minx179]

I don't think uabr.

I think your FIL is being unreasonable, when people are quiet esp if you don't know them well it can put pressure on the other person to fill the silence, even if they are aware it annoys the other person. It surely wouldn't kill your FIL to put up with your mums chattiness three or four times a year.

[Scuttlebutter]

It actually sounds as though your FIL is an introvert and your mum is an extrovert, and I'd even go so far as to say it sounds almost as though your FIL may have had/has depression? For someone like this, a chatty, "always on" person is incredibly tiring and very stressful to deal with, even though they are both trying hard and even though he may actually like her.

To be fair, he hasn't criticised her, he has said that he finds it difficult to "perform" - that is quite different, and you yourself say that she is very chatty/sociable.

Having them to stay at your house is quite a different matter - as a parent with a new baby you need your sleep. Do you have a B & B or Travelodge nearby that might be more suitable? Having somewhere to retreat to might actually suit your FIL much better, and he would probably be able to enjoy your and your mum's company, say for a meal out together very much more. There's also no reason why your MIL might not be able to come by herself to stay with your mum occasionally - you don't mention her being critical at all. Hope you can keep communications open and continue to see them, it will mean a lot for your children as they grow up to have good relationships with both sets of grandparents.

[DetectivePotato]

YANBU.

Your FIL sounds like a miserable git. Yes some people are introverts but to refuse to go to the naming ceremony because of it is a shite excuse.

Your mum was being generous in giving your ILs houseroom and thats how she gets thanked.

I wouldn't be giving my bed up for them. Let them sleep on the futon if they come down. Doesn't sound as if FIL will anyway.

[pjmama]

Give them three options - the futon, your mum's or a hotel. If he can't put himself out now and again to see his grandchild then that's his loss. I wouldn't be bending over backwards to accomodate him.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I agree with others - i wouldn't bend over backwards to accomodate someone like this. It is actually very kind of your mother to offer him a bed in her house, for him to complain about her chattiness is simply rude.

I would agree with others re the Travelodge idea - if they book far enough in advance they can get quite a good deal. Then he can have some time to himself which is evidently what he would prefer.

[alicet]

i'm with pjmama

[lynniep]

I agree with previous suggestions actually, there are three options, and to me it sounds like the local travelodge is the best (if there is one)
I have a not similar really but kind of vaguely similar situation here - my step-mum has been visiting us every couple of months since my dad died. Its a chore for her to do that journey, but less for her than for us doing it with two littlies which is why she's offering.

DH can't stand her incessant chattering (over the years I've learnt to zone out), and his silence makes it worse because she's one of these people who is uncomfortable with no talking and when she's nervous she is worse. They really dont like each other and its pretty obvious.
He's always banging on about how she should stay in a hotel when theres no need as we have a spare room. He wont get his way on this as he's being completely unreasonable imo. Its one night every couple of months.

He needs to deal with it, but he doesnt have to like it. He's supposed to be a grown up. Same as your FIL.

So don't dwell on what FIL said - he's just being honest and it wasnt supposed to get back to your ears - your back is up because you're understanderbly protective of your mum. Theres a personality clash and the best you can do is invite them both again, but DONT offer your bed - tell them its either your mums or a hotel or nothing.

Can your DH have a word with his mum about his dad? - she's probably feeling very embarrased and upset herself that her husband wont come too.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

What pjmama said.

[MoralDefective]

You're allowed to criticise your own Mum....other people are not,certainly not when you will almost certainly hear about it....he's rude to complain and i might even tell him as much.