to stop bothering with this friend?

[fuschiagroan]

It's quite sad, as she is one of my best friends. We've known each other since school (I am mid twenties so it's not really that long) and know pretty much everything about each other.

But she is very, very laissez-faire about bothering to keep up the friendship, and I feel it's always down to me. She has a PAYG mobile (not that there's anything wrong with that) which she allows to run out of credit for days at a time (that's the annoying bit) and so will rarely reply to texts, even ones that ask a direct question like 'what are you up to this weekend, want to do something?'. If she had run out of credit, she could use her bf's mobile to reply or call but doesn't.

She can't be bothered to learn to drive, so if we do do something I have to drive out and get her, then deliver her home afterwards. If for whatever reason I can't do that, she won't come (she could get public transport but it is a bit of a hike and lots of changes and I don't live on a bus route).

I am always the one arranging things as well, she never does. Even when I was going away for two months she made hardly any effort to see me before I went, just sent a text saying 'Oh is it this weekend you're going to x, good luck!'

I don't think she is purposely selfish, but she comes from the sort of family who run around after her a lot (she is the baby of the family) and pander to her.

When we are together we get on great, we both refer to each other as a very close friend and there's a lot of good history. So I don't think it's that she doesn't really like me (could be though) But it's a bit depressing that she can't get her act together enough to meet up. My university friends are much more proactive and will drive halfway across the country for my birthday or whatever.

Should I just stop bothering and see what happens?

[Tortington]

im like that. i have a friend who says i am bloody hard work

i dont mean to be, but i totally understand if i dont hear from peole for months

[bigchris]

I'd stop bothering
send her a Xmas card suggesting you go out for a drink
doesn't sound much fun for you though if you have to pick her up and take her home

[ILoveGregoryHouse]

Hmmm, well some people are just like this. You have two options if you want things to be different (1) talk to her or (2) stop bothering and see what happens. Depends on how much you value the friendship

[fuschiagroan]

It started when we were both in sixth form and I was all excited about passing my test, and assumed she would pass hers soon, so didn't mind driving. 8 years later still doing it... Just one of those habit 'always been like that' things. It's not really far, but still bugs

[pinkbasket]

Only you can decide. I have a friend who doesn't always reply to messages but it is more than a long history that keeps us as friends. I know what she is like and I try not to don't take it personally.

[ArribaArribaAndaleAndale]

Maybe she's just not that into you...

[notalone]

It depends. Perhaps she is thoughtless and if you talk to her about how you are feeling she may well buck up. However there may be other reasons for this. Perhaps she is secretly quite scared about learning to drive. Perhaps her BF is quite funny about his phone or maybe he is also on PAYG. Maybe she soesn't mean to be short when she does text. Texts and emails are so easy to be misconstrued. I think you should talk to her in a non confrontational way first and explain that you feel quite hurt. In all probability she will be horrified at how you have been feeling all along. If she still doesn't bother then at least you know. It just seems a shame to let a good friendship go when she may have good reasons / not be aware how much her behaviour affects you. Good luck!

[celticlassie]

Basically you should ask yourself if she's worth keeping in your life despite this. If so, stop running around after her and try to take on the same attitude to the friendship as her - if you're both free and it's convenient, meet up but don't go to any extra effort. She seems like the kind of friend where if you take her as what she is and don't expect any more from her you might get on ok but if you expect her to change you're just going to be frustrated.

[atswimtwolengths]

I wouldn't be driving around, picking her up and dropping her off. There's no equality there. Couldn't she come and stay at your home for the weekend?

I think you're right about her family's attitude towards her being the reason she wants others to make the effort. I'm not sure she'll realise that she has to make the effort now - she will probably wonder why you haven't called but not do anything about it.

If I were you, I'd stick to friends who prefer a more equal relationship - resentment (though absolutely reasonable) ruins a relationship.

[celebmum]

I must admit that i can be guilty of this sometimes, i don't always reply to msg's or call back. I don't drive and so can sometimes make 'meet ups' complicated etc, i don't however ever to my knowledge do this nastily..
I'm am tho the first in my circle of friends (since school (also i'm mid 20's)) to have had a baby and therefore although once brilliant friends our lives are very different now.. i guess what i'm trying to say is that maybe your friend, although she still wants to be friends with you, may have different priorities right now?

[FindingMyMojo]

she's either not that into you, or she's just a more slack type of personality than you. Either way it seems to be causing you much annoyance & resentment. Maybe she feels this when you do eventually meet up?

It's OK to just let friendships go you know, epecially if you have other friends that you find you get more reward from for the energy you invest into the relationship. If you do let her go, you'll be creating a space for something else to grow in.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

stop bothering.

if she cares about your friendship she will contact you.

if she only bothers because you push her, she'll slip away and you'll know that she just wasn't that fussed.

[FakePlasticTrees]

Well, you say you don't live on a bus route so you have to pick her up and drop her off, but does she live on a bus route? Do you think she'd prefer to arrange drinks somewhere she can get to on public transport rather than goto yours? Have you tried suggesting meeting at a pub near her and getting a taxi there/back so you can have a drink too or do you always suggest she comes to you and then are annoyed that the only way she can get there is a lift from you?

Rather than being annoyed that she doesn't text back, perhaps you could try calling?

[fuschiagroan]

We do usually meet in town. I'm pretty easy, I don't mind where we meet. In the past I have called her when I don't get a response and then she's fine and we do usually meet. I just slightly resent doing most of the running. Up until I have just thought, ah well that's just how she is. But I don't have this sort of effort imbalance with any of my other friends. It's just a bit insulting imo

[mixedupmartha]

I'm assuming she's not one of your university friends.

Do you have much in common with her since you got older? We all change. Has uni chaned you?

Perhaps you expect more from friendship than she does (I'm like this and now I'm 37 and I've learned to let it drop).

[laweaselmys]

Most of that, I could live with.

But the driving around after her would annoy me. I can't drive (I've just never had the spare cash for lessons) because I can't drive, I am deeply acquainted with buses, trains and very rarely cabs. I bought a pushchair that suited this. It's not hard.

Keep inviting her to stuff, just don't offer lifts. If you see her less it's her own fault.