To be angry with this mum and not want to see her again.

[strawberrycake]

My ds has what people often call mongolian eyes/ double eyelid- the epicanthic fold. We're Russian/ Ukrainian (and white). I know they're unusual here on white babies it's quite common for them to crop up in 'white' families in the East, not surprising considering our history/ proximity to Mongolia!

Anyways, a mum leaning over the buggy today said;
'oh they're beautiful those mixed babies'
I thanked her for the compliment, they stated we don't consider him mixed, all relatives we know and way back are from a very small area! Smiled as I said it.

Now that bits fine, I can see the confusion, despite him being blue-eyed and fair. No offense taken, the next bit blew me away..

'oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise there was something wrong with him' (!)

I asked her what she meant (in a bit of a warning tone) and she said 'well it's a sign something's wrong isn't it ('innit' actually)? Like Down's or the alcohol thingy...but he looks so alert considering'

Now even if there was something up it's a damn rude way to bring it up in front of others in a pitying tone!!! I called her fucking ignorant at this point, braying about ds like that while half the cafe tried to clock a look at him.

My other friends think I over-reacted and should have just explained it out to her, but I was REALLY angry at how she approached it. Fine if she'd said 'oh that's unusual' or 'do you know why he has eyes like that?'. Now it's like I've made the mum meets awkward, when I feel she did. It was NOT a nice tone she used at all, surely if you think a child has SN you don't stare at them and point it out loudly?

[CerealOffender]

the other woman is a dickhead. it was her foult

[SloanyPony]

Oh gawd. Its a hand her a shovel moment.

She probably wouldn't have pointed it out if she hadn't already made a faux pas (and got it wrong) about being "mixed". She was trying to dig herself out of that one by apologising for what she probably thought was insensitivity to not realising the "real" cause which turned out not to be the case!!!

She is probably at home slamming her head against the wall and flagilating herself for being so bloody hopeless and clueless.

Or not - either way, she's got some social skills to polish, bless her. (or not!)

That alcohol thingy. You do realise you could have had some real fun with this one dont you? What a wasted opportunity. Next time, make sure I am there!!!

[2shoes]

yanbu

[GypsyMoth]

did she feel small op when you called her ignorant? hope so!!!

[hmc]

YANBU but I don't think she meant to offend. She made tactless foot in mouth remarks and I can understand your annoyance. My rule of thumb - if malice was intended I will hunt you down to the death (not really, but you get my drift), if however you have unwittingly offended me I will try to move on....

But be the bigger person and let it go.

[strawberrycake]

dragonfly- nope, she purely thinks I'm in the wrong. If she said sorry or even looked ashamed I could overlook...it's the persisting self-righteousness that really got me.

[Lizzylou]

Ouch poor you.
For what it's worth two of my friends have children with eyes like your DS (one both of her children's eyes are like that), they are from the UK, now at school, doing well, nothing untoward.

I agree with HMC though, she was being tactless but maybe the type that blurts stuff out without thinking/gets stressed about what to say next.
I say this as a serial waffler.

[strawberrycake]

I really don't think she's embarrassed, unless she had a HUGE front on. She was relating it like I was out of order to her for name-calling.

[Lizzylou]

Ah well, just avoid her, she sounds desperately thick tbh.

[diddl]

It´s a confusing conversation all round!

I don´t understand your explanation tbh-sounds as if she just got in a mix-it´s not surprising.

[pinkbasket]

YANBU.

Two of mine have the epicanthus (can't spell it) fold.

[mumbar]

yep, think Riven summed in up in the first response.

[strawberrycake]

The daft thing is I have it, only mine is very subtle as I have a high nose bridge.

[Besom]

You should have said 'It's quite common for white Ukrainians to look like this' striaght off and then she wouldn't have made the next (admittedly idiotic) leap.

[Theincrediblesulk1]

People crack me up, when did the public become so rude and stupid?

[StuckInTheMiddleWithYou]

Unless you're being paid to do so, why would a reasonable person spend time with such a stupid woman?

[AnxiousLand]

Whence a human being looks slightly different in any way shape or form it is a signal to the unfulfilled morons out there to say or look at you in whatever manner suits them. Their behavious makes them feel better about themselves kind of superior to yourself. Sad.

NEVER EVER apologise or feel bad or in the wrong for reacting the way you did to a 'person' of such a state of mind they should be permanantely locked up.

You have your 5 senses and are aware of when it is spite or real interest. Some people also may have a child similair or a relative or a feiends baby etc and may have a story to tell.

Your 'friends; are thinking of themselves and sound just as shallow.

[EdgarAllInPink]

I bet she is hitting her head against the wall. total facepalm moment.

that's really odd, because DH remarked this morning that kids round here have 'that eyelid thingy' and couldn't remember the word for it. We're in Sussex, and not even East Sussex.....

actully, i was once making conversation with a Mum and in a desperate effort to keep the chat going, remarked that similar to my DD, her DD had Boris Johnson hair. do you lot think that may have been similarly tactless?

[SloanyPony]

I love the eyelid thingy.

In fact, it seems she was paying you a compliment. It was only when you denied the compliment (fair to do so as you were clarifying that they were not "mixed", though I suspect I would have just let that go and left it at that, not that you should have to) that she got flustered - I can't help but wonder if she felt slightly rebuffed in such a way that she felt foolish for assuming it was an "ethnic" thing as opposed to something else, but then realised it was an ethinic thing but not of the sort she thought.

Its a minefield. She sounds ignorant, but if everyone she has ever mixed with has been predictably one race or another of races she understands and knows, its not her actual fault.

Is it possible she has a social disorder or is on the spectrum? If so we are just as bad pouring scorn on her, but its a fair argument not knowing the details nonetheless.

I'd leave it, I really would, next time you see her you could consider approaching her and saying "I'm sorry, I feel we got off on the wrong foot, shall we start again?" and just be the bigger person. Its not your fault but chances are, in the wrong or not, its not hers either...or am I being too reasonable?

I need my own board if that's the case entitled "Am I being too reasonable?"...

[Lizzylou]

I have to be honest and say I had never heard of the epicanthic fold before MN. I didn't do Biology GCSE, don't shoot me, SGM!

One of my friends (the one who has 2 DC with the epicanthic fold) has those eyes herself, so I wouldn't have thought it odd. In our group of friends we always said how exotic and lovely her eyes were, whilst thinking no more of it.

Now I know about the epicanthic fold, I see more and more people/children who have it. It is interesting, makes me wish I had done genetics/biology.

OP,I think she just doesn't get out much and is dim tbh. Her problem, not yours.

[deepbreath]

Googles epicanthic fold and peers at own face in mirror I am half Ukrainian, I have never heard of it either!

YANBU - what a rude woman she is.

[strawberry17]

I had no idea what an epicanthic fold was and just had to google it, I've learned something new today!

[iamanewmum31]

YANBU I hope this women feels like an idiot.