to think you CAN trust your dh/dp to be friends with an ex and this woman was behaving like an insecure paranoid fruitloop?

[minxofmancunia]

Sorry thread title may be a bit harsh there, just a bit wound up about it.

Dh and I have 2 friends who used to be together now they're not, both went on to have other (horrible abusive esp in her case) relationships which they're now thankfully out of. The bloke is now seeing another woman but as far as I knew it's v on and off, last i herad they'd split, he never mentions her and brushes off any conversation about her.

My friend the original woman has just got out a hideous relationship and is having to hide at her mums til it all settles down, she asked me for exs number to give her some advice with some practical stuff re the house she'll even tually move in to. I know thw bloke is fine with this, he's expressed a desire to be friends and both are regretful they'd lost contact.

So I gave her the number.

Cue a text to me from an unknown number this weekend from his apparent gf (even though he's not mentioned her for weeks and last i heard they'd split up) telling me not to "meddle" in their raltsionship and threatening to give out my dhs number to all his exs .

Dh is good friends with one of his exs, she's one of my good mates too and ds Godmother, dh and her go mountain biking together, I have no prob with it. he's also friends with his ex from school and recently saw her to support her when her Dad died.

This person went through our friends phone first to check his texts ( and saw a few totally innocuous ones from my mate his ex) in secret and then searched out my number to send me her fruitloop text.

I personally think this is unreasonable behaviour, it's between them if she's paranoid about his ex and going through someones phone is unacceptable, texting me is massively out of order, and her behaviour is indicative of someone immature and insecure. Or am I too blase about it? Just because i don't have issues like this it's still ok for other people to behave lke this within a relationship?

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

I got a bit confused halfway through TBH, but will say this. I am still on good terms with an XP, my DH has no problems with this. He is free to go out to the cinema with a friend of his (who is, shock horror - a woman). I trust him and he trusts me. FWIW, I think, and this is just my opinion, that texting is the work of the devil. YNBU, I don't think.

[minxofmancunia]

sorry kreecher prob not the clearest explanation basically we're friends with a couple who split lost contact went on to have other relationships and recently got back in contact via me because i gave her his number. Current gf is freaking about it and sent me a bonkers text (even tho I didn't know they were in a "relationship")

[Meow75]

That woman is crackers. Does your (male) mate know she sent this? I think I'd be inclined to tell him/show him the txt if you still have it.

As for her, do not reward the toddler's behaviour with a response.

[minxofmancunia]

yes he knows! he frantically sent dh a text from his work number telling him to tell me not to answer my phone straight after it happened.

i did reply but only to tell her not to contact me again or I'd be thinking about contacting the police re harassment. Bit OTT prob but I was FUMING!!!It really shook me up tho, this woman seems bloody unstable and we were having a nice weekend with friends up and I was scared she might turn up on the doorstep ranting and raving. Have also invited my friend (his ex) and the bloke to dds 4th b'day party with their dcs (not with each other subsequent partners) but I don't want him to come now incase fruitloop turns up creating a scene.

[NestaFiesta]

DH and I wouldn't like exes on the scene, but that's just us.

However, the point here is that the off/on/off again GF doesn't have the right to decide who he texts or is friends with as he doesn't seem to have made a serious committment to her. Its therefore not really her business and she sounds unhinged.

Show your friend her text. You could be doing him a favour.

[NotFromConcentrate]

YANBU. Every relationship is different, but I think she seems to be particlarly jealous, verging on the obsessive, and I wonder how that can work long term.

DH and I both have close friendships with members of the opposite sex, and we are both still fairly close friends with at least one ex each. We have a close, loving relationship which isn't fraught with jealousy (unlike the one the OP describes!) and I can quite honestly say it does not bother me one bit when he goes to visit his ex and her children with our children, or they go out of an evening together.

It's not for everyone, and often people may well have good reason not to be comfortable with that sort of friendship (for example, if they have been cheated on previously etc)but taking it to the extreme of texting the OP is, IMO, nuts.

So, in short, YANBU

[Meow75]

It is acceptable to turn her away saying "I'm sorry, we're having a party for invited guests only. I can't entertain you this afternoon." and then invite your friend into the house.

Partners (especially if they are the most tenuous) don't HAVE to be invited, and it is rude to turn up to something you've not been invited to.

I concede that it would take balls of steel to do that though.

Just make it clear to your mate that the invitation doesn't extend to her. Job jobbed!!

[SolidGoldBrass]

Oh she's a nutjob. Sympathise with your friend and encourage him to bin her once and for all (which is what nutters like this deserve). Remind him that no-one is a good enough shag to make it worth putting up with this sort of ludicrous behaviour. Definitely tell your mate that he is welcome in your home but the bunnyboiler isn't - she sent you a nasty text therefore you are totally entitled to refuse to have anything to do with her.
And if the woman contacts you again, tell her to leave you alone or you will bring charges of harassment against her.

[spikeycow]

Maybe she's had a bad experience with this sort of thing before? You might know the ex etc but she doesn't and who knows what's going through her mind. And I never give out peoples moblie numbers without asking

[minxofmancunia]

cheers SGB I was hoping you'd come along to give your perspective!

he's quite frustrating in that he's the sort who has to have a girlfriend all the time, even though the last 2 he's clearly been not that into them. the previous one (not my mate the one after that) was a complete lunatic too, dangerous in fact. he seems to do a good line in picking deranged girlfriends.

[spikeycow]

I don't get why everyone is calling her deranged. Insecure, anxious, self defensive, yes. Men cheat with their exes, she sees this as a risk to her emotional well being. You don't know what she's been through. Not everyone has loving good relationships. Far from it.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

What time did she send the text?

Not that I've ever sent a slightly, ahem, possesive text ever but if I had done (in the past, you understand) it would have been when I was three sheets to the wind. And I'd be mightily the next day.

[skidoodly]

Your friend is treating her like shit from the sounds of it - he's with with and yet he is disrespectful about her to his friends.

It doesn't sound remotely like she's being paranoid, and it sounds as though her insecurity comes from being in an insecure relationship where her confidence is undermined.

Yes, what she did in texting you was not on, but I think you calling her a deranged fruitloop is horrible and reflects extremely poorly on you.

Have a word with your friend about treating women like shit. Interesting that your female friend ended up in an abusive relationship after she broke up with him. Perhaps it wasn't her first?

Oh just saw the latest about him "picking" deranged girlfriends. Yeah right. More like he makes them deranged by being cruel and dismissive about them.

Staying with someone when you are not that into them is nasty.

[minxofmancunia]

spikeycow my dh doesn't cheat with his exs. But i trust him and am secure in our relationship, it's pointless trying to restrict and control with this type of behaviour, you can end up driving people away.

I think if this is an issue for you in relationships you need to do a bit of work on yourself and your insecurities before entering into relationships.

our male friend had already indicated it was ok to give her his number via dh, not to cheat btw for other reasons.

[spikeycow]

Exactly. I was in a horrible relationship, very emotionally abusive, and became paranoid and over defensive. I'll never be the same again.

[spikeycow]

Your DH doesn't cheat. Many CH's do, there are loads of broken women on the relationship boards. My point is you don't know if she was previously one of these women, so go easy for now.

[spikeycow]

CH's are cruel H's by the way. I never understand the "Oh DH kicked me, cheated on me and called me fat". Less of the D!!

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

"More like he makes them deranged by being cruel and dismissive about them."

I've seen this too, Ski.

Whenever I hear a man describe someone as a bunny boiler (for example) I tend to wonder what it was that he did to make her that way. I do think these men often choose needy women though, perhaps because they're good for their ego, and then treat them badly. Perhaps they enjoy the drama.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Gosh - I do actually remember being described as a bunny boiler. I met the man in question when I was at a seriously low point, so possibly yes, was needy.

He showered me with attention, wanted to see me all the time, and propsed (!) within a few weeks. Then he dumped me. Because I was too full on apparently

I should have known (and would have known had I not been in such a crap place at the time) better - he described his ex as a fruitloop on the first date.

Apparently he went on to do this again and again.

[minxofmancunia]

skidoodly he's not disrespectful about her to us, he has mentioned she's a bit "needy2 but that's the worst thing he's said. he's split with her once already due to this type of behaviour but she convinced him to give it another go and he gave in. I agree he's a bit spineless when it comes to stuff like this, he needs to knock it on the head and I'll be telling him so later.

his previous ex was vile he tried his best to make it work with her but she's caused him untold s**t and still does.

re my comments about her, it's because she sent me an abusive text, am i supposed to be all rational and reflective and say "oh well it's this that or the other??". I'm NOT going to accept this sort of thing she was totally out of order.

And why on MN is it always the man who "makes" women behave like this?? Yes it could be something to do with them, it could be a mutual kind of toxic combination, it could be that whoever theu're with they're insecure, paranoid and needy. She's been like this from day 1 even when it was all rosy between them. It's how she is.

[minxofmancunia]

have to go now, I understand there are some hideous things happening over on the relationships board and i do have 1st hand experience of being in an abusive relationship.

I p**sed off because of the text. she had no right to involve me.

Thanks for all your perspectives.

[ccpccp]

Shes a nutter, but you shouldnt have given out the number without checking with him first.

His gf has found out about because he either told her in annoyance, or she found txts from the ex on his phone. Either way you have caused upset in their relationship.

[minxofmancunia]

he said it was ok prior, re some diy stuff when dh asked him about it. hse's spoken to him and text him about some workmens numbers. He's also asked me since for her number as he'd lost it. So not a problem I don't think.

She checked his phone for texts from an ex then went and got my number in secret and sent me an abusive text. the problems in their relationship are down to them and not me, in part due to her childish suspicious paranoid behaviour. I would never never check dhs phone or email or facebook in secret.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Minx you have done nothing wrong. Even if this man is manipulative and gets his jollies from making previously sane women into bunny-boiling fruitloops, that's still NOT YOUR FAULT.
And some people are deranged, stalky, paranoid, obsessive monogamists.Anyone who is insecure and jealous to the extent that they are frequently accusing a partner who hasn't actually breached monogamy needs a good kick in the arse - or at least to be dumped repeatedly till they learn more sense.
Abusive men, really seriously abusive men, often justify their abuse on the grounds that their partners might be cheating/thinking of cheating/well their last partner cheated so all women are lying cheating bitches and therefore 'loving' someone means it's totally OK to police all their communications, burn any clothes that might make them look desirable and lock them in the house.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

SGB is of course right - Minx you have done absolutely nothing wrong at all.

Have you (or your friend) heard from her again since?