to be bewildered by bidets?

(147 Posts)
ttalloo Fri 27-Aug-10 14:49:29

I've never had one other than on holiday, and even though I know what they're for blush, I've never used them (other than for dumping wet swimming costumes in) - I really wouldn't know how...!

ShinyAndNew Fri 27-Aug-10 14:50:51

I hear they can be quite nice if you sit backwards on them. Not that I have tried it of course grin

RonansMummy Fri 27-Aug-10 14:52:11

apparently in japan the normal loos do that! my sister went there and said she had to jump off and quickly shut the lid cos she didn't like it!

lolapoppins Fri 27-Aug-10 14:52:22

Growing up, I thought they were for washing your feet in.

We took ds to a hotel which had one when he was 3, he thought it was a drinking fountain and leaned in for a slurp.

Brangelina Fri 27-Aug-10 14:54:45

Actually they're brilliant. You can use them to "freshen your bits" before or after a hot date or even if you just want to freshen up generally, wash your feet and they're the perfect height for toddlers to wash their hands in. Not in the least difficult to use, you turn the tap on a sit or otherwise, depending on what has to be washed.

mrspear Fri 27-Aug-10 14:54:47

my hubbie would be ROFL!

He really misses a bidet. He has to have baby wipes instead

Brangelina Fri 27-Aug-10 14:55:31

Frontwards or backwards, depending on the target area to be freshened up...

bruffin Fri 27-Aug-10 15:00:34

In Finland the toilets have a shower thing to clean your bits with while you are on the loo.

Mowiol Fri 27-Aug-10 15:05:39

I'm with you on this ttalloo - I have...erm....tried to use them when on holiday but feel there must be a knack! If I remember correctly one of our kids many years ago (when they were little obviously) just thought it was an alternative loo!

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 27-Aug-10 15:20:18

i had never "got" them

until i had a baby. i was lucky enough to go 18 years ago to the maternity hospital in Eye in suffolk....the bathrooms had them. omg. they were bliss.

ttalloo Fri 27-Aug-10 16:51:42

Er, so if it's not too indelicate a question - how exactly do you go about using one?!

(DSs thought our holiday bidet was a cross between a drinking fountain, toilet and all-purpose play sink - we couldn't get them out of the ruddy bathroom)

wahwahwah Fri 27-Aug-10 16:57:53

I did a big poo in one when on holiday when I was about 4. Far more comfortable than the hole-in-the-ground loos you used to get in France. Mum didn't think so. I did wonder how the plug-hole worked.

compo Fri 27-Aug-10 17:00:25

They're very hygienic , the water squirts up and you wash your bits

onimolap Fri 27-Aug-10 17:03:31

But what do you do with one where the tap only points downwards, even if it swivels a bit?

And are you meant to sit on them facing the taps/wall, or into the room like a loo? (Not that anyone's watching, but I've wondered....)

gandj Fri 27-Aug-10 17:04:01

My PILs have one which is a different room to the toilet. Often wondered if they shuffle along the corridor with their pants down to get to it! Seems to defeat the object to me...

Fluteyboots Fri 27-Aug-10 17:06:17

Oh, a bidet for the cleansing of throbbing stitches after some surgery <whispers> down there. Heaven.

Have also had in hotel rooms, useful for rinsing your tights. Wouldn't have at home, another thing to clean!

ttalloo Fri 27-Aug-10 17:09:34

Yes, I've wondered about the direction you sit in, onimolap. And whether you fill the bidet with water before using it.

I'm also deeply intrigued by bruffin's Finnish toilet/shower thingummy. I went to Finland years ago and I don't remember the toilets having that, disappointingly!

girlywhirly Fri 27-Aug-10 17:16:59

When I went camping in France, the site had a babies bathroom with a small china bath set into the worktop, and on the floor a mini bidet for washing the babies bottoms!

Personally, I like to fill a bidet and soak my bum in lukewarm water and wash with soap.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia Fri 27-Aug-10 17:17:38

PILs had one in their bathroom but I have never risked it.

It's bad enough when the shower suddenly goes freezing cold/boiling hot, no way am I risking my fanjo to British plumbing!

We've got one in one of the bathrooms, and have never used it in the three and a bit years we've lived here. In fact, have to keep it covered up with a board (and put toiletries on top of it) to stop the grandchildren messing around with it.

jomorgan Fri 27-Aug-10 17:27:19

Risking ur fanjo to british plumbing! Lol hearthen!

We had one in our bathroom when we moved house. I used it for the standard...washing feet and rinsing swimming stuff! I think I (once) used it in the proper way, just to test it out (as you do), and I think i filled it up first and sat in it, like a toilet. Altho mine didnt have all these fancy sprays n hoses etc, so once you sit what are you supposed to do next? any ideas?

On a side note, we then ripped the bloody thing out when we got a new bathroom, and never had one since!

BearsWidger Fri 27-Aug-10 17:29:30

I'm fascinated by the idea of as miniature bum bath grin

roadkillbunny Fri 27-Aug-10 17:32:00

The house I grew up in used to be the Italian consulate for that city before my parents bought it and the main bathroom was kitted out with a bidet so I grew up knowing what to do with one (always been a sit and spray person) however school friends coming round found it a complete oddity, without sounding rude errr, we lived in quite a deprived area in one of the few streets of big houses and middle class families so school friends often described our house as a mansion and thought we must be uber rich (it was a very big house but not what I would call a mansion, it was semi detached and it was also not in the best state of repair having suffered quite a bit of bomb damage in the war to the foundations) people just saw big house = money, anyway, the bidet turned into something of a play ground talking point!

cyb Fri 27-Aug-10 17:32:52

Oh I LOVE a bidet. Wish I had one in my bathroom. Fab for washing ones nethers

BearsWidger Fri 27-Aug-10 17:35:02

I am scared of them. Nobody has explained the seating position yet. And what if the water is too hot or cold? It would be horrid.

cyb Fri 27-Aug-10 17:36:04

I sit with back to taps. that may not be the way they do it on the continent but it works for me

BearsWidger Fri 27-Aug-10 17:36:25

If you fill it up and sit in it, doesn't the water overflow?

cyb Fri 27-Aug-10 17:39:43

you dont fill it right up, you put a bit in the bottom but you perch on the edge. Well thats how I did it

<waits to be corrected in bidet etiquette>

cyb Fri 27-Aug-10 17:39:58

or bidetiquette

BearsWidger Fri 27-Aug-10 17:43:31

What's the point of that though, Cyb? Do you have to put your hands in it then?

cyb Fri 27-Aug-10 17:44:40

yes you soap your bits . Then you splash your bits. The water doesnt spray your bits from the tap

BearsWidger Fri 27-Aug-10 17:47:05

Doesn't it? Isn't just the same as washing at the sink then?

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle Fri 27-Aug-10 17:47:12

I cant understand them. how do you clean them? what if you get poo on the tap thing <distrustful>

cyb Fri 27-Aug-10 17:50:43

yes but its harder to hoist your arse up onto the edge of the sink and the water would go everywhere. How can you wash your fanny standing up at a sink?

And rest assured no poo on taps. How would THAT happen?

I'm not from the bidet marketing board, I'm really not

roadkillbunny Fri 27-Aug-10 17:53:41

there must be diferent types of bidets then, the one we had was equiped with a fountin like spray and a tap. Adjusting the water temp was a problem with ours, many a time you would hear a shrill yelp as someone used it for the first time and was met with an ice cold spray up the bum!

InmyheadIminParis Fri 27-Aug-10 17:54:40

Okay - the definitive guide: << pay attention you girls at the back of the class>>

Sit on it as you would a toilet - i.e. on the rim, not 'in' it, and with your legs apart). Sit facing the taps. Put the plug in and run water to your prefered temp into the bowl. Soap and wash your bits. Rinse. Let the water out of the bidet and refil to rinse again if you need it.

Also ideal for: Washing feet. Washing babies (beats a baby bath hands down). Smal children to wash their hands.

Perfect for washing bits after sex if you can't be bothered to have a shower.

As you were.

Brangelina Fri 27-Aug-10 17:58:26

No no no. You sit frontways if that's the area to be addressed) and direct the jet from the tap at the relevent area, soap and rinse. You sit backwards if we're talking about post poo cleaning (or cleaning small children's bottoms) and point the jet at that area. Simples.

I don't see how you'd get poo on the tap, unless you were looking to do colonic irrigation confused.

pranma Fri 27-Aug-10 18:01:54

We have one where the tap points down and swivels a bit-I fill it with warm water and sit facing the taps.When I broke my leg I used to sit on the loo and put hot water in the bidet then have a 'sponge bath' from the bidet.

jomorgan Fri 27-Aug-10 18:02:45

I think u sort out the temperature before hand so that when u sit its not to hot/cold (and i guess u just pray it doesnt do that boiling hot thing!)

In terms of seating position, surely its just like u sit on a toilet, but instead of 'on', u sit 'in'! Surely, straddling it would be really awkward position, but i guess it may work for some!

BearsWidger Fri 27-Aug-10 18:31:13

I am sensing controversy in the ranks about correct bidet usage- how confusing.

sarah293 Fri 27-Aug-10 18:36:55

Message withdrawn

kickassangel Fri 27-Aug-10 18:47:04

our last house had one (before we redid the bathroom). i once had an experimental attempt, but was VERY quickly put off by the jet of water that came whooshing out (think power hose rather than garden hose), hit the far end & sprayed up into my face & across the floor.

also, the tap was a bit stuck so you couldn't turn it to hot, just slightly warmer than ice-cold.

the idea of putting my bits near that jet of cold water really didn't appeal.

and it didn't have a plug, you were obviously supposed to use the water flow, not create a small pool.

sarah293 Fri 27-Aug-10 18:47:57

Message withdrawn

ZZZenAgain Fri 27-Aug-10 18:50:41

pmsl at this thread. I like them. Like to be nicely washed after.

Have you noticed all these Latin nations famed for having wild sex at the drop of a hat have these bidets

Just a thought

Meglet Fri 27-Aug-10 18:57:22

I decided long ago that when I am rich (hmm) I will get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that do all the washing for you. A bidet doesn't appeal though, too much faffing.

ZZZenAgain Fri 27-Aug-10 19:37:07

yes those Japanese ones look impressive. What happens if they go wrong though? Can you imagine it?

MadameBelle Fri 27-Aug-10 19:46:29

In Tokyo, many years ago, in a fancy hotel, I came across a loo that not only had a heated loo seat (which is v common in Japan, but also quite disconcerting, making me think someone had always just finished before me) but it had a whole control panel on the wall. One button sent squirty water up your arse, another adjusted the temperature, then a third stopped the water and blew warm air out to dry your bum. Quite extraordinary. I was told by my British friends who lived in Japan, that loo-envy was common and aspiring to the next gizmo on your loo was a sign of having 'made it'. Still makes me chuckle, thinking of warm air up the bum...

brassband Fri 27-Aug-10 19:48:43

Nice to freshen down there when AF is visiting too

PussinJimmyChoos Fri 27-Aug-10 19:55:24

I have an arse shower

Mini shower hose next to the loo....a quick swoosh of the bits post wee and all is dried wee in my fadge thank you very much

I think its a very English thing to just wipe with tissue really isn't it? I mean if you get shit on your facial cheek, you would wash it off with soap and water wouldn't you....wouldn't just use tissue and be done with it....I don't think the arse should be any different

I am English by the way, but have foreign DH who is rather bemused by the English approach to no bidets/shower hoses

sapphireblue Fri 27-Aug-10 19:55:34

Friends of ours have got some weird shower-type contraption next to the loo.......I know what it's for now!

EdgarAllenPop Fri 27-Aug-10 20:00:27

ah our shower head reaches the loo...

no need for paper!

Desperatelyseekinginspiration Fri 27-Aug-10 20:00:56

The Japanese loos do the Bidet thing, then blow warm air to dry your bits.

You can also press a button to play a flushing noise or music for when your bottom's being a bit ermmm noisy.

Love them. Hubby and I spent the 1st hour in our hotel room just playing with the toilet smile.

kickassangel Fri 27-Aug-10 20:02:39

hmmm, there are quite a few countries where having proper toilets & not even using paper to wipe themselves is quite common.

let's face it, hygiene is an expensive luxury which only the 'westernised' cultures have turned into some kind of art form.

Desperatelyseekinginspiration Fri 27-Aug-10 20:04:12

Isn't it cleaner to use water as opposed to wiping anyway.

My Grandma always used water.

ttalloo Fri 27-Aug-10 20:08:44

So, at the risk of soundingly shockingly ignorant, does one wipe and then use a bidet, or use the bidet instead of toilet paper? confused

(I'm a bit nervous of ever visiting Japan after reading some of these posts!)

lal123 Fri 27-Aug-10 20:09:37

Weren't bidets all the rage in the 80's? All the new/posh houses had them then, don't see them as much these days.

ZZZenAgain Fri 27-Aug-10 20:10:16

both, you do both

I think the Japanese would be nervous about coming to the UK if they read this thread

ttalloo Fri 27-Aug-10 20:15:02

My Cypriot relatives are always shocked that we don't have bidets here, which always makes my mother laugh, as her generation grew up without even toilets - just a hole in the ground in a hut at the bottom of the garden.

But I've never plucked up the courage to ask any of my relatives exactly what to do with a bidet - IRL you'd have to feel incredibly comfortable around someone to do that!

ZZZenAgain Fri 27-Aug-10 20:21:27
ZZZenAgain Fri 27-Aug-10 20:22:53

I did like the way they included this tip:

"If you are a visiting guest, it is not okay to pat yourself dry with the towel that the host has provided for the use of drying hands. "

I went to a Japanese restaurant in New York where the loo had 'front spray', 'back spray', 'back spray light' and 'hot air'.

Now that I could get used to.

ZZZenAgain Fri 27-Aug-10 20:28:17

lol at back spray and back spray light

I would quite like a bidet, but how would I stop the kids constantly using it to float their ducks? hmm

Also, DS (2) already thinks that the fact that his willy floats on the surface of the bathwater, is the funniest thing ever, I'd never get a chance to use it. hmm

NonnoMum Fri 27-Aug-10 21:04:43

When first coming across one on holiday in France in the 70s, we children christened them 'bumwashers' and have never renamed them since.

Conundrumish Fri 27-Aug-10 21:06:24

Don't you splash up other people's bits of poo-y water?

I would like one though- esp a Japanese musical one with hot air blower attached.

ZZZenAgain Fri 27-Aug-10 21:07:03


drain, rinse

MistsandMellowMilady Fri 27-Aug-10 21:07:47

I'd like one I think.

Trouble is, everywhere I've ever stayed which has had one has the bloody thing installed parallel to the wall so that only a one-legged woman could use it.

TheNextMrsDepp Fri 27-Aug-10 21:13:27

We had a bidet for years in our old house and I only ever used it for two things:

- Bathing my sore bits after the birth of my dcs (aaah! bliss!)

- Rinsing out the potty. blush

I can't say I miss it........

muslimah28 Fri 27-Aug-10 21:16:12

i have to say this thread is quite amusinggrin. as a muslim, we always wash ourselves with water, and i think a bidet is an over-engineered method to do what muslims around the world just do with a jug over a normal loo!

i haven't read all the posts, but some places they do have the built in bidet in a loo, but these are difficult to use, a jug is so much easier! the only modern method which works over a jug is a shower head/douche.

washing myself after the loo is just such a part of my life that when im out and i don't have a jug or bottle to use, i feel really unclean. and really it is unclean to keep urine or poo on you, a tissue can only get rid of so much.

i found it fascinating after giving birth reading threads on here about people with stitches having to wash themselves as advised, to avoid infections, and just not knowing at all how to do it. it's just so easy, and so much more hygeinic!

oh in terms of method, you wash then use tissue smile

Firawla Fri 27-Aug-10 21:22:16

same as the above we just have a jug, takes up a lot less space than a bidet. would prefer the shower thing than a bidet those are good, dont think we could have it put in in rented flat though. a jug does the job anyway

LadyThompson Fri 27-Aug-10 21:55:39

We have just gutted a cottage and put a brand new bathroom in. DP requested a bidet (the bathroom is quite large). I said I didn't mind. I am quite looking forward to it now, having read this thread (it's in situ but not plumbed in yet). However, DP seemed very urgent about the bidet and I do wonder if he has a particularly dirty bum, or a fetish.

ProzacTheGiggleFairy Fri 27-Aug-10 21:58:26

I'm loving this thread.

We have a Clos o mat toilet upstairs which is for dc's to use due to their disabilities.

I must say that the first time using it was "interesting", as it washes with a jet of warm water, then dries with warm air after.

Where has this thread been all my life!

I thought I was the only person in the world who had, um, ishoos with the contraptions.

I once heard about a family from Cornwall who all used the loo the wrong way round for generations. No-one had seen them use it, of course, so they had never been corrected. They just taught their children to face the cistern.

I thought I was like that with bidets, so avoided them.

I shall use them with aplomb in the future.grin

megapixels Fri 27-Aug-10 22:24:57

Washing feet in a bidet??

We had bidets in the bathrooms when I was growing up. After I moved to the UK though we've been using a jug, keep meaning to install one of those spray thingies near the toilet since it's a faff to keep refilling the jug.

If I go out and have to use a public toilet I have a shower as soon as I get home as it feels so grubby to not use water. It should be rinse and wipe people, not just wipe! wink

bluebump Fri 27-Aug-10 22:29:54

We used ours to bath our DS in when we were abroad as we didn't have a bath there at the time. Now he just uses it as a way of playing with his bath toys!

tabbyH Fri 27-Aug-10 22:39:17

DH just said that they make excellent beer coolers!

I might try one next time I see one now. Always been scared of them! Excellent in hospital though on stitches.

thelunar66 Fri 27-Aug-10 22:42:08

God I'd love a bidet. They had them on the Mat Unit where I gave birth and I could have sat there for hours with cool water playing over my lady bits. The nurses used to come banging on the door asking if I was ok coz I was in there so long blush

zazen Fri 27-Aug-10 22:48:27

I love a bidet and having a clean bottom.

Nothing beats that lovely clean feeling after going to the loo - just use tp to remove solids that may be there, and then onto the bidet and whoosh, lovely and clean, and dry off with a little towel.

I think it's disgusting just to use a piece of tp and not water to wash. How could you be clean? If you got wee or poo on your hand you'd wash with soap right??

I carry a squirty bottle in my bag when I'm out, and fill it in the basin in a public loo before I go in to the stall. In houses where there is no bidet I make sure there is a jug before I go in. I bring my own little towel.

I'm not in the Uk either, and have a sparkling snatch grin

BitOfFun Fri 27-Aug-10 22:50:34

So you have a pooey towel in your handbag?

MistsandMellowMilady Fri 27-Aug-10 22:54:13

Yes the towel does always get it be it sink, wipes or splashy bidet...

My parents have a bidet. I mainly used it for shaving my legs.

zazen Fri 27-Aug-10 23:01:31

Not at all BOF.. DUH!!!
It's for drying a clean bottom....

No dogs trying to sniff any part of me thanks grin

I don't get bidets at all for many reasons, and I grew up with one in our family house (my mum thought it was "posh" so had one put in when they redid the bathroom when i was about 12):

1. How come there is a wooden/plastic seat on a toilet but not on a bidet? Who wants to sit on freezing cold ceramic in the middle of winter just to wash their bits?

2. Are your poos regularly THAT squishy that you actually need to use water to get clean? Don't you ever do those supremely satisfying Pedigree Chum-out-the-tin-all-in-one-go type of poo that comes out cleanly so that even one wipe of toilet paper comes away clean. [polishes own clean-and-perfectly formed-poo halo]

3. If you really want to wash your bits before going to bed/whatever can't you just jump in the shower and shower your nether regions? Would take the same time as doing it in the bidet.

4. If you're a man and you want to wash your bits before bed/blow job, what's wrong with lobbing your cock in the sink and giving it a swish round? Not good for midgets, obviously, unlesss you've got a stepstool handy. I'm quite happy for DH to do that, providing he doesn't leave pubes in the sink. wink

This thread is baffling and enlightening in equal measure. If I got wee or poo on my hand then I'd wash with soap, but then I don't use my arse to eat or stroke DD or myriad other things. Having said that, I'm far more lackidaisical now I live with a toddler and am not particularly bothered about pee on my hands, plus I'm addicted to moist loo roll for artic freshness blush I'm quite taken with the jug idea but don't see how a bidet can be very hygienic.

"Facing away from the handles is also an acceptable position if the removal of your pants is inconvenient. It is recommended that the former position is used if you want to avoid possibly getting your pants wet with contaminated fecal matter from your posterior." - but who would want to avoid wetting their pants with contaminated fecal matter? hmm

PS and don't they encourage raging thrush?

zazen Sat 28-Aug-10 01:18:34

On the contrary Dita, there are raging chemicals in tp - formaldehyde being a major cause of allergy and irritation.

Far better to wash rather than rub it all in with toxic paper and leave the residue on your nethers for the bugs to go wild on.

thelunar66 Sat 28-Aug-10 01:27:57

I'm with zaz on this. Bidets rock.

Heracles Sat 28-Aug-10 03:59:39

What's not to understand about a tool for cleaning your arse? hmm

gtamom Sat 28-Aug-10 05:14:23

The only ones I have seen, you do not fill up. The water sprays in a gentle stream to clean your private area's. I think they are great and have it on my new home wish list.

teaandcakeplease Sat 28-Aug-10 09:24:16

<TMI alert>

I got a terrible tummy bug in Morocco and finally appreciated the benfits of one, as wiping had become too painful. LOL smile

teaandcakeplease Sat 28-Aug-10 09:24:43

* benefits

twoboots Sat 28-Aug-10 09:29:51

my mum keeps a large aloe vera plant in her's

porcamiseria Sat 28-Aug-10 09:39:31

The Italians think we are mingers for not having them, we just dry wipe our shit off! nice

they must be great post childbirth no?

LOL at wahwahwah!!!!

SwanseaSlapper Sat 28-Aug-10 10:06:24

I used one for the first time on the maternity ward and it was very useful. I sat on it facing the taps. Didnt fill the thing with water just pointed it at my fanjo

IMoveTheStars Sat 28-Aug-10 11:47:47

"Don't you ever do those supremely satisfying Pedigree Chum-out-the-tin-all-in-one-go type of poo"


In my sister's house this is known as a 'gravity poo'


What's wrong with wetting some toilet paper and giving a wipe with that if you've done a sticky one? No need to "just dry wipe"!

GabbyLoggon Sat 28-Aug-10 13:01:49

I have never used a bidet. One of my unfulfilled ambitions.

I am aware that I do post things on the wrong sites. It is not deliberate. I need a mumsnet site coach. Happy Bank Holiday

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Sat 28-Aug-10 14:28:50

I stuck DD (then aged 6 weeks) in a friend's when I was out of wipes. It was the first time she giggled...

sarah293 Sat 28-Aug-10 14:43:26

Message withdrawn

I use wet wipes
SO the people who use a bidet after every wee must spend most of the day weeing, washing and getting dry, right??

BitOfFun Sat 28-Aug-10 15:20:59

You get what you pay for with toilet paper though. The good stuff is fine for running under the tap briefly to clean yourself. I wouldn't use actual wet-wipes though: the toilet-designed ones are notorious for blocking the system, and I also remember a thread on here for someone who had permanent thrush and sore skin which she eventually realised was caused by the wet wipes. IIRC, she was in a lot of pain despite having a bumhole so clean she claimed you could eat your dinner off it.

Funny the stuff from MN that sticks in your head, isn't it? grin

poppymouse Sat 28-Aug-10 15:43:02

We were looking at houses on rightmove and at a photo of a bathroom DH goes (A bidet! The twats!" then I went "Hold on, I know that house. That's L's house!". Don't think I should tell her, the house has been on the market for about 2 years and apparently she gets upset if you say anything about it at all.

TartyMcFarty Sat 28-Aug-10 18:25:06

I haven't read this thread but just wanted to add that in describing his recent holiday (at great length) FiL told me all about how, at the hotel, he liked to keep the bath towel but would always chuck the 'bum towel' on the floor for a replacement.


TheNextMrsDepp Sat 28-Aug-10 18:59:37

grin BitofFun.

"A bumhole so clean you could eat your dinner off it!"

I suppose that's the point, I'm really not fussed about a few bugs round my bumhole, after all, it stays tucked away most the time.

Rosa Sat 28-Aug-10 19:18:38

Swansea Slapper IMO they should be obligatory after giving birth sheer bliss and for all the bleeding afterwards quick splash and cleared the whole area up....

milanomum Sat 28-Aug-10 21:14:43

LOL at you all!
Italians really do think we are mingers for not using them.I think they are great for all kinds of things already mentioned.
From what I've gathered in my experience over here, the Italian manual for bidet use is something like this:

1. put in plug
2. semi-fill with water (temp depends on personal preference)
3. sit on bidet rim, facing outwards.
4. squirt special, really quite expensive soap-for-bits on hand
5. 'wash' bits (yes, with hand)
6. rinse with (yes, slightly soapy) water
7. pull out plug
8. dry bits with special, bum-sized towel.

I also once had a girl tell me she wanted to go home because she'd done a poo at work and couldn't wash herself confused. Imagine explaining that to your boss.

I think they take it all fairly seriously over here. You wouldn't believe the amount of people who tell you their toilet habits as part of normal conversation.

PussinJimmyChoos Sat 28-Aug-10 22:06:22

It is pretty disgusting though...just dry wiping and going....

I HATE not having a sink in the cubicle in work...take moist wipes in my bag with me and I am <shudder> at all the dry wiping of the rest of the dirty bitches <heaves>

Some of them stink....and its not wee or poo either....just eau de stale fadge <vom>

Yika Sat 28-Aug-10 22:07:14

My boyf has one in his house, which no one uses except me. He stores his toilet paper there. I love it! So practical! Great to freshen up before or after sex. There's no spray in his, just fills up like a mini-bath. I sit facing the taps so that I can run the water and grasp the soap (I'm sure someone will enlighten me if I'm doing it wrong).

I don't know why they're not more popular tbh.

ttalloo Sat 28-Aug-10 22:10:06

milanomum, I'm in awe of your expertise on bidet use. I should keep your instructions with my passport, so that I can give a bidet a go should there be one when I'm next on holiday and I'm feeling (ahem) experimental.

But it still seems like a remarkably daunting thing to attempt, even if I'd be alone and no one need ever know...!

cereza Sat 28-Aug-10 22:25:31

I have had a bidet all my life, until I came to Britain and I miss them! They are very useful particularly to keep nice and clean down there when you have your periods.

AllarmBells Sat 28-Aug-10 22:30:50

I would kill to have my own bidet.

A jet of cold water right on your can't beat it grin

SatanOnAScooter Sat 28-Aug-10 22:51:41

illogical but they just seem gross to me. The sight of one makes me feel funny, but for some reason i thought they were like a mini jaccuzi for you bum.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Sat 28-Aug-10 22:56:12

I prefer the power hose next to the toilet option, easier and quicker and less to clean in the bathroom. Every toilet has them in the country DH is from and in the country we live in. I really miss them when we go back to the UK.

Never really liked the idea of bidets though because of the thought of solid matter in the bidet. Now I have learnt from this thread that you wipe first they make a lot more sense...

PussinJimmyChoos Sat 28-Aug-10 22:57:23

Thumbs - where are you from? DH is from Syria and they have them as standard there as well - that is where we bought ours from actually as I wanted one in the house so much!

Elllie Sun 29-Aug-10 01:08:04

I'm curious - if I wanted a loo/ shower attachment thingy, what do I ask for? I'm not really up to asking the plumber if he will install an 'arse shower', as they were previously referred to.

jomorgan Sun 29-Aug-10 01:37:52

I think i like the idea of the 'arse shower' too! for these reasons -

1) no need to move from toilet and get cold bum on bidet rim

2) dont have to buy expensive bidet n find somewhere n someone to install it

3) any stray poo or unspeakables will go down toilet!

3) quicker surely!

However, someone please tell me how you are supposed to use an arse shower? do u stand up or stay sitting, use paper first or what? The mind boggles!

I guess ud also need a special arse towel for after?

Personally I use babywipes, but def not on every occasion!

sarah293 Sun 29-Aug-10 07:52:21

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sarah293 Sun 29-Aug-10 07:54:22

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Riven - I am seeing you in a different light here grin wink confused Lol

sarah293 Sun 29-Aug-10 09:03:49

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flamingtoaster Sun 29-Aug-10 09:25:39

You can also use a small plastic bottle of warm water while sitting on the toilet for much the same cleaning effect.

Rockbird Sun 29-Aug-10 09:51:20

Where does the water for the arse shower come from?have just googled a nice little pic but it doesn't go into detail.

We grew up with a bidet, miss it now.

sarah293 Sun 29-Aug-10 10:18:45

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LITTLEMRS1 Sun 29-Aug-10 19:01:17

hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee
Have laughed out loud tonight - thanks all! Loving the way that this is being so clearly thought out and am off to google 'arse shower' grin

"My PILs have one which is a different room to the toilet. Often wondered if they shuffle along the corridor with their pants down to get to it! Seems to defeat the object to me..."

Me too gangj

I've seen this in hotels in Austria and never understood what is was about....

2rebecca Sun 29-Aug-10 21:49:10

I love them. They're great postnatally, especially if you have piles. Cleaner and less sore than all that rubbing, and good to freshen up before or after sex, or after using the loo. Which way round you sit depends on which bit you're trying to clean, does for me anyway. Also good for washing your feet in.
They definitely belong adjacent to the loo though.

NestaFiesta Sun 29-Aug-10 22:47:45

I don't trust bidets that squirt upwards. One false move and WALLOP- you've had an enema.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Sun 29-Aug-10 22:53:02

PussinJimmyChoos (good name!) DH from India, live in UAE. Only the fancy loos have them in India (otherwise its a jug) but they are pretty much universal in UAE. I am TOTALLY getting them installed in every bathroom when we move back to the UK. Will be watching this thread avidly for plumbing instructions...Riven?

OhNoNotTheHoneyBabies Mon 30-Aug-10 08:16:12

Finnish loo showers are fab - great for washing bits after childbirth, filling baby baths and scooshing the poo off nappies before putting them in the wash!! grin

alibubbles Mon 30-Aug-10 11:40:20

IME of travelling and visiting the Middle East and mainly Muslim countries, if they are so fastidious about cleaning with water after going to the loo, why do they have the vilest filthiest, vilest public toilets?

The floors are always awash with water, containing who knows what, that seeps over your feet and the hem of ones's abaya is soaked. I never use them unless absolutely desperate.

I love bidets though.

salizchap Mon 30-Aug-10 13:06:11

grin at this thread! You have made my day!!! LOL

HouseOfBamboo Mon 30-Aug-10 14:55:57

Can I just point out that wrt POO (as opposed to wee), water swishing alone won't remove much in the way of actual germs. You may dislodge a few danglers but toilet paper should be able to do that anyway.

And as for arse towels - boak.

PussinJimmyChoos Mon 30-Aug-10 16:59:16

Tbh honest, the goal of washing with water isn't to remove germs - the whole body will always be coverd with them and you will never get rid of ALL of them.

Its getting rid of all the poo and wee traces so that you are not walking around with a pissy fadge or skiddies around your starfish

ttalloo Mon 30-Aug-10 17:39:54

Another question re bidetiquette - in households where bidets are regularly used, does every member of the family have their own bum towel? Are they colour-coded so that there are no mix-ups, or does everyone take their own bum towel back to their bedroom?

Just wondering!

PussinJimmyChoos Mon 30-Aug-10 20:02:23

Don't use bum towels...that is <boak> patting with tissue is the way to go!

HouseOfBamboo Mon 30-Aug-10 20:04:23

Ah but Puss I would argue that it's all in the technique. Just a sluice with water isn't going to sort out poo deposits on anyone's starfish, just as it wouldn't clean your foot if you stood on a dog turd.

So to actually remove most traces you'd have to do scrubbing with soap, hot water and flannel (or equivalent). Which of course you personally may well do, but what I'm confused about is that a lot of people seem to be advocating just a quick douse with water, which surely wouldn't work.

Can't quite believe I'm actually discussing this... hmm grin

PussinJimmyChoos Mon 30-Aug-10 20:10:21

Oh no, for poo you need to clean yourself - as Riven described it, left hand for cleaning ....which is why in some countries, eating or taking anything with your left hand is a no no

Olifin Mon 30-Aug-10 21:34:47

Haven't read the whole thread but can I just point out, in response to some earlier posts, that you shouldn't be soaping your bits, ladies. Upsets the delicate balance of bacteria in your fanjo and can lead to infections etc. You can use those special 'intimate wash' type soaps if you really must but plain water is fine.

Jasonthunderpants Mon 30-Aug-10 21:38:27

They are good to use in the summer if you have a sweaty arse. They cool it down a treat

Snobear4000 Mon 30-Aug-10 21:44:48

In Japan they have a front facing bidet on the toilets too, which has a time limit on it, as some ladies used to "waste water" for lengthy periods of time.

lolar01 Mon 30-Aug-10 22:21:53

My DP thinks I've lost the plot reading this thread and LOL. Will have to get arse shower installed. Thanks for giving me a good giggle after a long hard day! smile

muslimah28 Mon 30-Aug-10 22:32:18

alibubbles unfortunately many muslims forget that the Prophet Muhammad told us that "Cleanliness is half of faith".

amberleaf Mon 30-Aug-10 23:42:41

Pleeeeease someone tell me the correct name for 'arse showers'

Just googled 'arse shower' and wished i didntblush

gtamom Tue 31-Aug-10 02:09:00

How do you dissolve the fats in your poo with water then? confused

I think you are all far too interested in your own bottoms quite honestly grin

Mine is just a cushion upon which to sit.

AinoA Fri 15-Oct-10 16:04:08

In FINLAND we have indeed these bidet showers in our toilets. They are very handy and make you feel very clean. I do not understand why som people are so ashamed here about these.

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