to be useless, for want of a better word.

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

Had a huge row with dp today, basically it ended with me being called useless.

heres the backstory, i dont want to drip feed info.

Ive lived in suffolk my whole life, dp is from midlands, he moved to my area 5yrs ago, we set up home and had the dcs, were very happy there, then he was made redundant at a really bad time for us and severe financial difficulties had us move to a house in march this year the pils rent out in midlands to help us recover financially.

A week after we moved, my grandma who with my mum brought me up was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and given worst case scenario of 6mnths to live, and the chemo and radiotherapy has changed her personality beyond recognition, she is exceptionally hard to be around, and i harbour alot of guilt for feeling that way as i want to treasure every second.

Then in may, my brother was still born (my mum had me young, im early 20s,) it was a day after his duedate and he stopped kicking and that was it, its caused a huge amount of greif and chaos amongst the family, and as calous as i know it sounds i didnt expect the complete pain im still feeling for someone i never even met.

on top of this dp has only managed agency work here and there for the past year so our income is never sure, and we are in a mess, the pils decided they wanted to sell the house so after a huge 100mile move we are being left homeless.

My mum has been such a mess since my brother died she wont let me leave her house, so ive been staying there with the dcs while dp travels for work, job centre meetings what ever the case maybe, weve also been rejected by the past 6 houses weve applied for.

Its taking alot of effort to keep going, and i feel like im a huge failure and a terrible mum, im not functioning well to be blunt.

While staying at mums shes taken over washing tidying etc, shes a mother hen and enjoys caring for someone, i still do all dcs basic care, but mum often likes doing trips to park, baths etc, at the moment id give her the world to make her smile once,
dp is calling me spoilt and lazy, i know im lacking initiative at the moment, i just bury myself in novels and forums and things that arent real to forget the reality im dealing with, i take the kids out for long walks everyday and parks etc and im totally happy and content whilst doing that then i go back to mums and its all back, and i realise i took them out so they will go to bed so at 7pm i can shut off and not have to do anything,

I KNOW i need to get a grip and wash pots, do a load of washing and be a proper mum again but every day i think right here goes, gotta change and i dont, ive tried explaining to dp my feelings but just cant, i just feel like ive failed the children by loosing our home, and im scared of never enjoying tome with my grandma again. and i could ramble forever
as thats all i seem to do, i never get anywhere.

so aibu being useless or do i need to snap out of it and be the perfect mum and fiance?

i know im being unreasonable, i think.

[SpringHeeledJack]

Je-sus!

YANBU. that's enough to make anyone buckle a bit!

[cupcakesandbunting]

I don't even know where to start with this one (have been on the wine and don't want to give shit advice) except to say YANBU and here, have a hug. Sorry for breathing my wine breath on you.

I hope someone with good advice comes along in a minute...

[SpringHeeledJack]

...sorry JJ- that's not much use to you. But you don't need me to tell you you're dealing with a hell of a lot.

There's more to being a mum than washing pots- you're taking the dcs out and being happy with them. That's a huuuuge thing for you to be doing- really positive- and not at all useless!

I'm sure someone will be along to help you a bit more than I can love.

[Meglet]

YANBU. You need to be nice to yourself and take stock of whats happened. If your mum wants to help then go with it.

You can't stay stuck in a rut forever but use this time to plan ahead and get yourselves back into the swing of things.

[Dinkytinky]

Yanbu- you poor thing, you are obviously grieving and your dp needs telling to back off or be supportive I think- has he never heard of 'for better for worse' ffs?

I think you could start by making a small list of things to do in a day-3-4 things that are achievable such as -hang washing out, do pots and pans, write food shopping list. Maybe this will help you shuffle back into your normal routines a bit? I have you been to see your gp? They may be able to help you with feeling down and possibly refer you for counselling if you need it?
So sorry you've had to go through so much,
all the best x

[ChippingIn]

YANBU

What a rough time you are having of it :(

I stayed with my Mum recently (and I'm a good deal older than you!) and she likes to 'take over' too. It makes her feel needed and wanted - it makes my life easier - win win. It's also a little annoying at times too - but like you, am just happy to make Mum happy when I can.

I think you will both feel better when you can get back on your own two feet in a place of your own. Until then all you can do is try to support each other through this difficult time. You need to support him because it must be very hard for him to not feel able to support his family and he needs to support you because you are going through 2 very big losses right now as well as all the other stresses.


Hang in there - it will get better x

[cupcakesandbunting]

Oh and BTW, I (and I'm sure a lot of other MNers, hope I'm not wrong) are utter slatterns without the excellent reasons that you have for letting things slide a bit.

I might suggest that if you're feeling like a failure that you might want to see your GP, make sure you're not a wee bit depressed?

Why not set yourself one or two small tasks per morning like do a load of washing or clean the bog? Then you'll feel a bit better ffor having put a hand in the housework but still letting mum help and still having time with the DCs. Definitely think visit to the ddocs is needed though.

[ChippingIn]

I think the things you are doing are perfectly normal

• Allowing your Mum to 'do stuff'.
  
• Wanting the kids in bed at night.
  
• Not being motivated
  
• Feeling better when you are on your own with the kids, out of the house.
  
  etc
  
  Try to find things that will give you a sense of satisction - I like doing the laundry :)
  
  You are going through a lot of grief right now and taking on a lot of your Mums as well... it's sodding hard and that's without the money worries and living arrangements you are also dealing with.
  
  Cut yourselves some slack! Be kind to each other!! Tell your DP that some bossy bint on the internet said so :)

[msyikes]

It sounds as though you're dealing with so much.
FWIW I suspect dp called you useless because he feels that he is useless, given the info you've given here.
Also helping you with dcs may be helping your mother, in a way, so it doesn't sound to me that you are just taking and not giving.
Things will get better.

[Meglet]

When I can't face doing anything around the house (but I know I _have to) I find a good track on youtube (something dancy / rocky) then make myself do my chore while the song is on then I can stop. You can get a lot done in 4 mins. Toys can be chucked in boxes / washing machines loaded / kitchen surfaces can be cleaned up..etc..etc.... whatever you want to focus on.

By the end of that song I usually think of something else I fancy listening to so I find that, put it on and do a bit more housework. It doesn't last for long, but a few songs usually get the worst of the kitchen / laundry sorted out.

[AgentZigzag]

Your DP, seeing that you're struggling and trying to cope, decided that out of all the thousands of ways he could have tried to help you through it, chose to call you spoilt and lazy? Unhelpful would be an understatement.

You have got a lot on you mind to try and deal with, and I don't think anybody could blame you for trying to find a bit of peace in all that's going on, no way.

I'm not sure how you can get across to your DP that you're (well, you sound it to me) at breaking point, is he stressed out to capacity too?

[CheerfulYank]

Oh honey honey honey! I'm so sorry for all you're dealing with. YANBU! Of course you want your DCs in bed early-I want that and I'm not even dealing with anything. I just like time to myself!

You need time to cope with everything, and if it makes your mum feel better to help look after your little ones then that's fine.

[chickenlittlee]

YANBU. I could relate to a lot of things you mentioned in your post. You need some help and some encouraging words. Please see your GP, maybe he'd be able to listen to you and help you? I did that, and felt a lot better.

[secretsquirrel1]

Jj - you are certainly NOT useless. Please try not to take it personally.

Your DP probably feels useless because he feels that he isn't able to provide for you all.

To make matters worse, he sees your mum doing all that stuff for you (we all know why she feels she has to do it, but it's helping you right now too) yet he sees that not only can he not get another job, but that his parents have made you homeless to boot.

I bet he's also depressed about moving back to his home town with no job.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt here, he has his own stresses going on as well and you are both pulling apart intead of pulling together.

He is reacting in the only way he knows how to - simply because he is seeing everything with tunnel vision.

He appears to be finding it incredibly hard to deal with anyone elses emotional stress right now, and not being able to do something with the kids cos they're already in bed, has probably put the tin lid on it.

You need some time out to get a handle on some of what is happening to you. Certainly the GP's is a start - you have too much going on to be trying to deal with all on your own.

If you can bear to, put your arms around your hubby (no, not your hands around his neck!), tell him you are sorry that he is having a shit time too, but that you do love him even though you're going through a difficult time and it may feel to him that you are ignoring his needs right now. Then just leave it at that.

Does he have any idea at all how you are really feeling right now? Are you able to have that sort of conversation or are you walking on eggshells since he lost his job & you lost your house?

Then you need to get an appt. at GP's tomorrow - make it a double time one.

Take it one day at a time - literally. Don't project into the future. Take it slowly.

Good luck

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

thank you so much for all the lovely supportive messages, i spoke to a close friend of dp, and hes told them he feels like a failure, its his job to support us and keep a roof over our head etc, and also his family are kinda useless and have months of ignoring him because hes done one small thing they dislike and so on, so moving away from leicester a second time to be where i call home went badly as you can imagine, but then again if the house wasnt snatched from under us it wouldnt be happening, or would it, i doubt id willingly leave my mum tbh.

Going to have a good long talk tonight, its not so easy to do in a rather packed house, so were going for a drive. Thing is hes been very supportive and caring and then just flipped yesterday because i asked for help unfolding the raincover, and when he said he needed the toilet first i threw it, dd was getting wet but him needing a wee came first but i was more angry at failing yet another simple task.

Since ive moved in to mums i do the food shop every week, i actually look forward to it, organising meals and shopping for 8 people requires thought and i enjoy the distraction,

im going to do the list of 3-4 things a day, i think i can do that, i cant bribe my sister to clean out my rabbit forever, so theres a place to start.

As for gp, i tried making an appointment with one and they only had a guy who i really dislike available so i made one for two weeks time with a lovely femal gp whos been fantastic in the past and i feel comfortable bearing all so to speak.

[AgentZigzag]

From what you've just said, it sounds like you both need to acknowledge that each other are finding it difficult to cope.

The drive sounds like a great idea, keep your voice nice and calm, and if your DP starts raising his ask him if it'd be possible for him to keep it a discussion rather than turn into an argument.

I really hope you can support each other through this, at least you wont be alone to face all the things going on

[Fontella]

Your poor mum is grieving for her lost child, grieving for your sick grandma, as are you. On top of that you've got money worries, had to move (that is traumatic enough in itself, let alone everything else).

You and the children being there, and your mum doing all the chores and so on, is good for her. It's a distraction from all she's been through. Your distraction is your novels and books. It's all completely understandable and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

As for wanting the kids in bed by 7pm - what's wrong with that? I've never told anyone this but when my kids were little, I used to drive to a local park that had a pond in it and a sort of walk way around it (it was all safe, no way they could fall in or anything). I'd sit on this park bench and say 'I bet you can't run round the pool by the time I count to 100' and they were always up for it. Off they'd run, little legs going like hell ... and I'd start counting really loud 1, 2, 3 ... until they were out of earshot. Then as they came back I'd start again 105, 106, 107 ... oh dear, you nearly made it! They'd want to try again to get under the 100, so off they'd go again, and this time I'd be counting 103, 104, 105 ... down a couple of seconds each time. They'd have half a dozen runs around the pond, until eventually they'd be 'under the 100' and it would be cheers and a treat.

I'd get 'em back in the car, and they'd be out like a light, completely knackered. Put them to bed when I got home and they'd sleep the night through.

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

fontella, thats a brilliant idea!

i feel guilty for rushing them off to bed as im surrounded by people who appear as perfect mums and cant get enough time with there little darlings, dont mind them in there bed, dont mind them staying up all evening and so on, thing is none of them have a partner so i feel kinda confused as to whether im selfish or sensible.

Dp in slightly better mood today, still a bit gripey but hasnt come off the wii long enough for me to say hello let alone argue!

[ChippingIn]

Fontella - you should be telling everyone that, not keeping it under wraps! There are a lot of (especially younger) parents around who would benefit from hearing how things often really are instead of all this 'oh it's so easy and you should want to be with them 24/7' that seems to be out there now!

We played 'Dead Lions' for an HOUR this afternoon - it was getting to the 'it's that or throttle them stage :)

JJ - do not feel guilty for putting them to bed. You need the head space for sure - but they need the sleep!! They need around 12 hours sleep a night to grow & thrive, 7-7 is perfect. Don't forget, other people only tell you what they want you to hear and let you see what they want you to see SENSIBLE!!!!

I hate anyone playing Wii to the exclusion of everything & everyone around them... grrr

I hope it goes well tonight.

[diddl]

Hang on-are you, your husband & children living with your mum?

It can be really hard to know what to do when back home.

I find my parents tend to get on with what they´ve always done re housework & don´t like me to "interfere" or "take over".

I would help if possible or offer to do something instead of her, but it´s hard in someone else´s house if they won´t let you.

[GrumpyMoo]

YADNBU

}}}}}}}}hugs{{{{{{{{

doesn't help much, i know, but with everyone elses hugs bulding up away out there, hopefully they'll make their way to you eventually, when you need them all the most.

}}}}hugs again{{{{

[alicet]

Fontella that is a fantastic idea and I'm nicking it!

Can't remember who said this but my life is pretty sweet and I still have days where I can't get my 2 into bed quick enough. So YAdefNBU.

Sending you big hugs from me too. Give yourself a break - you have been through a hell of a lot. Sure it is all you can do to get through each day at the moment. You are NOT useless - your motivation and energy will come back but in the meantime just worry about the basics - being kind to yourself and each other. Everything else is second place.

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

thanks grumpy moo.

diddl. yes we are all at my mums now, my inlaws are insane people and when i started to stay here a while and the house went on the market people began helping themselves to things, my rabbit run, kitchen gadgets and so on.
so all our stuff is being put into storage slowly but surely as we cant afford to hire a van and driver and dp is only 24 and not been driving a year yet so isnt allowed to hire on and self drive, luckily we have an estate car and very small trailer thanks to my uncle, so we can do bits each time we can afford the fuel for a 200mile round trip.

today ive made hats with the kids, been for a walk, had a long bath time with them and put them and my brother and sister to bed, and made dinner, i feel better for it but dp still grumpy, time for that talk i think.

[diddl]

If you were at your ILs, how much help would your partner be giving them around the house??

It´s not as if your sitting around while a pensioner does everything for you!

[LeoniPoni]

YANBU

Give yourself a break and give yourself the time you need to start to recover from such a horrible, traumatic time.

Nobody bounces back from such hard knocks straight away and you can't be expected to be some kind of super woman or Bree Van Der Kamp!