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AIBU?

to think dh is a total selfish twat?

37 replies

Norfolkbumpkin · 13/08/2010 21:16

Dh was admitted to hospital in March with Septic Pneumonia, crashed on us twice and was in intensive care for a spell. He has had two follow up appointments at the hospital since to check the scarring on his lungs, the seond oof which was yesterday. It wasn't the total all clear we were expecting, and he was reminded that he was very ill at the time, so not totally surprising that he has issues as a result. Dh was a smoker and stopped the day he was admitted to hospital, and I honestly believe he hasn't smoked since......until about 10 minutes ago he exclaimed 'You're not going to like this but I am now going outside to have a smoke as I was given a little bit of hash yesterday'. I got up and walked out as I am totally fuming/upset, why can't he just eat the stuff in choc brownies or something rather than smoke it! Am I being a tad sensitive or justified in being narked?

OP posts:

Report

OTTMummA · 13/08/2010 21:20

YADNBU, end of

HeadFairy · 13/08/2010 21:22

what ott said...

Dinkytinky · 13/08/2010 21:23

Selfish twat, don't know why you're letting him do drugs in the house anyway. I'd be more ducked off about that.

AuntieMaggie · 13/08/2010 21:23

nope I would be fuming... coffee, brownies, etc....

Squitten · 13/08/2010 21:23

YANBU - does he want to end up back in intensive care?

scurryfunge · 13/08/2010 21:24

what a twat

Norfolkbumpkin · 13/08/2010 21:27

Because I just walked out of the room I am now sitting here stewing thinking of things I would just like to shout at him, like has he bought a packet of papers and a pouch of baccy especially for the occasion? if so, what does he intend to do with the rest? I think I am disappointed more than anything as I thought that having such an almighty kick up the arse which affected us all in some way would change his idea of certain things.......

OP posts:

Altaira · 13/08/2010 21:27

I would be more than narked.
YADNBU.

Very difficult to watch your DH not give a shit about his health (or your feelings!)

Norfolkbumpkin · 13/08/2010 21:28

Or should I be mad at his mate for kindly offering him the stuff? really freaking intelligent (fume.........)

OP posts:

Drayford · 13/08/2010 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KathyImLost · 13/08/2010 21:45

Hash is worse for your lungs than tobacco. And the tobacco he's smoking with the hash will be worse than normal fags as he'll likely not be using a filter.

YADNBU. Give him hell.

Norfolkbumpkin · 13/08/2010 21:47

I know you're right Drayford........

Dh is a welder which in itself isn't a great occupation when you have problems with your lungs.....the whole episode has really stressed me up to the eyeballs and made me adamant that next year we should downsize to reduce the mortgage, get rid of our horrendous debts, and just try to enjoy things more rather than be sitting around up to our eyeballs in bills. I had a mc when this all happened in March, and we are trying toconceive again without success. I think that this is what's making me super-sensitive at the moment.

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mrleebob · 13/08/2010 21:47

I don't like smoking. Full stop. But there is a definite pattern to threads on this site. Man is selfish. Man is mean. Let's look at this from his perspective a second. As a man, I'm ultra competitive. If I almost died, I'd carry an insecurity, a paranoia. I'd hate the fact that something could beat me and set out to dismiss the threat, to prove I was stronger. How much is fear on his part? I know it's the natural Mumsnet reaction to find fault in the male but instead of complaining on here, why not talk to him?

Norfolkbumpkin · 13/08/2010 21:54

Because unfortunately the way our disagreements work is by us staying at opposite ends of the house festering, sad and achieves nothing but has always been that way. Dh tells me that he has been on a massive guilt trip this week for taking a day off on Tuesday to go fishing, then the following day going to play golf straight from work. He feels really guilty for not being here to spend time with dd as a result. Strange logic on the guilt I think.

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mrleebob · 13/08/2010 22:09

I'm not taking sides. But how would you react if you'd almost died? I imagine the honest answer is that you have no idea, none of us do. Make the effort to talk to him and make sure he makes equal effort to talk to you. It won't be easy to get him to open up if you have a history of not really talking but perhaps he actually wants to talk about how he's feeling. Even if he doesn't want to, it'll do you both good to try and understand how the other feels. I promise it'll be worth the time and effort.

Btw, from an outside perspective, he's a man who has been cut down from his prime before he was due to be which has terrified him. You are trying hard to empathise but his reactionary actions don't make sense to you and actually appear to be selfish, as though he doesn't care about you or your dd. There are no rights or wrongs here as such. There is a genuine lack of communication and solving that should be the first objective.

ljgibbs · 13/08/2010 22:27

You're right he is a selfish twat.

ChippingIn · 13/08/2010 23:48

YANBU

I would be absolutely livid and make it quite clear that if he wanted us to remain a family, he would not be smoking anything, ever again - if he wants hash, bake fucking cookies (advise him against shortbread ).

MLB - there is a wrong here. A man who has a family, who nearly died earlier in the year with fucked lungs who thinks it's OK to put his life in further danger by doing something so fucking pointless as smoking - he has a wife, he has a child, he has a responsibility to them to do what he can to ensure he is around for a long time!

SolidGoldBrass · 13/08/2010 23:56

I think he's being stupid, but it's sort of understandable ie it's not being done specificaly to hurt or wind up his family. He's acting out rage, fear, despair, defiance etc. SO yes, bollock him for it, but don't think it;s being done just to wind you up.

Jaybird37 · 14/08/2010 00:04

I'm kind of with mrleebob. It is such an obviously stupid fucked up thing to do that he is probably acting out through fear and anger.

No point giving him hell while he is wasted. Once he is straight a long sensitive discussion about his feelings should put him off ever doing it again

cowgirljessie · 14/08/2010 00:05

yanbu - hopefullty he will realise that.

Heracles · 14/08/2010 01:03

Careful with all that fuming; bad for his lungs, that...

Norfolkbumpkin · 14/08/2010 14:11

Thanks for all your replies, feeling a bit calmer today. Haven't seen or spoken to dh since I walked out last night as he left for work at 5.30am this morning and isn't home yet. Hopefully I will be able to put my point across without crying or shouting. Maybe I'm just hormonal as on 2ww aswell.......

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proudnsad · 14/08/2010 14:17

Jesus, what an eejit.

But it's an addiction. My dh still smokes (not weed) after years of promising to give up. He just can't seem to do it.

Chipping - if curing addictions were as simple as 'tell him he has to stop' there wouldn't be a billion pound quit smoking industry.

If my dh had a health scare like that I would be beyond despairing and terrified and furious.

Glad you're a bit calmer. Good luck.

thumbwitch · 14/08/2010 14:22

He's very stupid, I think. If he'd been given the all clear, would he have gone back to smoking full time then?

When given a second chance, it makes sense not to blow it as quickly as you can.
Take George Best for an example - shot one liver, had a liver transplant, kept drinking, liver disease killed him. What a bloody waste.

mamas12 · 14/08/2010 14:32

Does he have a death wish??

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