to think I shouldn't have to pay an equal share?

[squishy]

OK, long saga and I might well be being unreasonable - DH can see my point and SILs:

FIL's 70th birthday early next month. Clearly, we've known about this for ages. In late May, we booked our summer holiday for last 2 weeks in August. In July, SIL tells DH that there is a surprise party for FIL the weekend after we get back from holiday; so we need to pay for 3 flights to Ireland etc (and possibly cattery if I can't find anyone to catsit).

THEN she tells us that the offspring's present to FIL is a trip away with all of us. Initially a week in Turkey. We suggested Wales (FIL loves Wales). I found lovely location in Wales, all has been approved by siblings etc and they have had complete say over dates/duration (and I have to book my annual leave around it).

I was basing our share of the cost (as in me, DH and DD) as a fifth of overall cost (there are 3 siblings, MIL and a niece) but they are expecting me (apart from BIL) to pay a sixth.

In itself, that's enough for me - I don't think I should. Apart from the fact that DH and I are both going to have to drive to Liverpool to collect them all from the airport and then over to Anglesey and back again (plus our own journeys) - he's not my Dad.

For example, if I wanted to buy a lovely present for my Dad's 65th which is the same month, and my Step-Mum wanted to join up and get him something big, I'd go halves with her, not turn around to DH and ask him to cough up a third.

Similarly, they all clubbed together and got MIL a Dyson for Christmas a couple of years ago (lucky her!) and they split it 4 ways. When we buy them Christmas presents, we get one from the pair of us and one from DD - not one from each of us.

So that's it in a nutshell.

BUT, the other bits are: cost - in September, after our summer holiday, to fly to Ireland; my Dad's big birthday same month; then October the trip away - plus cost of food, drinks etc (Oh, am also cooking up a couple of big meals for 9 before we go so we don't waste time cooking), diesel etc; then DH's 35th in October - he'd like a party because he's nevr had one; DD's birthday end October and her party. DH doesn't earn, all of my money goes on house bills and trying to pay off credit card debt - SILs neither have to pay for rent (both live in houses funded by FIL), their cars (ditto) - both work but in the absence of bills, their cash is their spare cash.

AND am 6 weeks pregnant (which they don't know and we hadn't intended on telling them until October) and anxious about cost and trying to pay off as much debt as possible - I only get statutory maternity pay and with DD, had to go back to work at 3 months (had more at 90% then, work for different company now), so stressed about saving so I can have a bit more maternity leave.


So....am interested, because DH feels he can't intervene anymore; BIL has texted to say SIL (age 22) is being stubborn and not moving; when I've organised the house (found it, booked it, paid deposit) - I feel the only route left is if I speak to her, but am trying to weigh up if the battle is worth it.

Oh, the amounts - if 5 pay a share, it's £89 eeach, if 6 do then it's £75. Not much difference between the 2, but much more to us (me). DH says on the bright side, at least they think of me as part of the family now!!!!!!

and grateful for opinions!

[trixie123]

I might have got a bit lost in the detail, is the £89 /£75 for a present or for a trip away? If its a trip away then there are two of you staying etc so you have to pay twice. If its a present then I think YANBU as you (as a collective with your DH) are paying £150 to their £75. If you are only on one wage that does seem unfair. Regardless of the specifics I think you will have to address this as it sounds like you have a lot going on and FIL would presumably be v upset if he know his birthday was the source of family strife. Try to be diplomatic. If SIL is only 22 thats still fairly young and she probably doesn't have to worry yet about bills etc.

[Firawla]

splitting it 6 ways like that is ridiculous surely you and dh together are like a couple counting as just one, not one each...
i have never heard of anyone doing it like this. sil seems to have a strange method here, and who put her in charge anway??

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Work out how much the fuel for your chauffeuring duties will cost, and subtract that from the £150?

[compo]

You have too much going on, it's all madness

don't cook meals for nine before you go, eat pizza or fish and chips, Wales will have shops

tell dh he can have a joint 40 th birthday party with you but there is too much going on this year ie a pregnancy

I thnk you should pay more as your a family of three going and sil is just paying for herself

[compo]

Also sil wanted to go to turkey but you intervened and decided Wales would be better and then you organised
as you say he's not your dad so that was your first mistake
you can't take over something and then moan you organised it and have to pick peoe up etc
you should have left it all to dh and his sisters

[JeMeSouviens]

If SIL wants a share from you specifically, I'd ask for 2 rooms as well, as in essence that's what you'd be paying for.

[atswimtwolengths]

Do the other siblings have partners? If so, why aren't they paying a share if you are expected to?

Given your husband doesn't work and the money is obviously coming from you, it's awful that you should then be expected to pay for two of them!

[pjmama]

I don't really get how you're splitting the cost of the trip? Is it just the cost of the house you're renting? If so, you should split it by bedrooms, surely? If your all 3 sharing one room, you just pay for one. If DD is in her own room, you pay for two?

It all sounds very complicated, I think I'd be tempted to back out and leave them all to it!

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

You should not be going into debt for this you know. Esp with a second baby due.

BTW why do SILS get their houses funded, but not your DH?

[Lulumaam]

of course you should have to pay an equal share. you can't nit pick about stuff you have taken over the organisation of

it's not their fault you are now over extended and want to save up

DH can have a party anotehr year

you don't need to cook for 9 before you go

you sound like you are wanting to do everything and not compormose, which you will have to on something, but not the £14 difference you are quibbling about , for the trip you booked and suggested

[LittleMissHissyFit]

So they are including you in the calculations which give a per head cost of £75 so you would pay £150 between you and DH?

Whereas if they counted it as 5 you would split the £89 between you? Am I understanding this correctly?

Tell them your budget is £100 max and that includes you picking them all up from the Airport and driving them (a considerable distance in itself, I've just got back from North Wales, it's far from anywhere) Utterly gorgeous!

YANBU, given all your circumstances etc, I'd be firm with them and lay it on thick about the running about you will be doing for them all.

Don't budge!

[GeekOfTheWeek]

Is the 89/75 just towards the fil share or including the cost of you dh and dd going?

I would add the petrol cost to the overall for everyone to share. Not fair for you to pay all that too

[GeekOfTheWeek]

Agree that cost per room is the fairest way to do it.

What is with the 65th and 35th birthdays? They aren't 'special'.

[hocuspontas]

If you rent a house surely all the adults pay an equal amount? Are you saying that there's three of you and e.g. one niece and you're paying equal amounts? If I was the niece I'd be a bit

[sallyseton]

Oh god, these are why huge organised family things like this are not a good idea in my book. It's just too much hassle. Luckily my family aren't like this but dh's are and it drives me mad. In the end I have just insisted on opting out, even if I seem like an antisocial whatsit at least I have my sanity.

Can you not do the same? Opt out and use time off work/money to go do extended visit with fil at a later date? I'm sure he'd appreciate time spent with you wherever/whenever it is.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think you have taken on more responsibility than you should have. Given that you have financial pressures that the others do not , then I think you should have opted out of the holiday.

For now, if you are renting for ex a 5 bedroom house for the trip to wales, you should pay one fifth as you will be sharing a room with DH. If you were to be using 2 bedrooms (for your dd?) then you should pay more. I think that you and your DH should be treated as one unit when it comes to shares of presents, particularly as you have one wage and this isn't even for your dad.

Tell the siblings they will have to ferry themselves about, as you are not prepared to be the designated driver and fgs, don't get lumbered with all the catering. They can take it in turns to cook.

Think yoy have taken over the mother role here and suggest you step back. Relax and do what is good for you and the baby

[squishy]

The 89/75 is towards the cost of FIL share as well.

The 3 of us would be sharing one room; SIL gets room to herself; SIL and niece gets room to herself and BIL gets room to herself.

Perhaps I wasn't clear - when they were suggesting Turkey and we thought eek, DH suggested Wales - they jumped at the idea and asked us to look. I took this on as if DH had, he'd have left it too late. I gave them 5 options of houses to make the choice over. They chose.

FIL funds the girls' houses etc because they're girls, plus they still live close enough to him, both boys get 'punished' because they chose to move away from him, so get no help in anything, girls (and niece) gets everything paid for.

TBH, am tempted to simply say that I won't go - DH can go with DD and collect 3 of them from the airport, the other 4 will have to get the train each way (which I don't really want to do as it seems petty, but I don't want to be forced into paying £150 instead of £90 for a weekend - + chauffeur/diesel - I can ill afford anyway)

[squishy]

Sorry, cross posted - thanks for all the replies, by the way, I was amazed :)

Not sure I understand about the niece bit, hocuspontas - the kids aren't paying, but it is a 5 bed house, we'll all be in one. Hadn't thought of per room suggestion - it's a good one!

[atswimtwolengths]

Lulu, check what she's saying, before you post - it's not £14 difference - she and her husband will EACH have to pay!

[hocuspontas]

I thought the niece was an adult! Ignore me...

[GeekOfTheWeek]

The fairest way imo is to pay per room. Is this not an option? I wouldn't pay 3x what the bil is paying for the same space.

I also think they should all contribute towards petrol costs or get the train.

Can you explain about the 35th and 65th birthdays? Why are these seen as special?

[MumNWLondon]

Gosh, all v over the top? I mean was recently my mum's 60th and my siblings organised an ditigal photo frame and she was really happy! £15 each. You are expected to pay for flights to ireland and the wales holiday?

re: how much you all pay, surely this depends on bedrooms used? Are the SILs going to share?

Alternatively you can say that with your DH not working you can't pay more than a 5th, sorry.

[kitsmummy]

I think you should bin out of the surprise party, the flights will cost you loads. It seems total overkill to me to do a surprise party, then a holiday away with father in law. Surely the stay in Wales would be enough? And the fact the sisters are given free cars and housing, whilst your DH gets nothing, is enough justification for not getting yourself into loads of debt over an OTT birthday celebration.

[squishy]

No, the SILs aren't sharing, one room each.

None of the others have partners.

35th birthday - not special but DH has never had a party and had expressed a wish (ages ago, plus party is over-egging somewhat, some sort of gathering of 8-10 friends, really)

65th - not really, but Dad gave up his job for me after Mum died (I was 12) and the conditions of his pension meant if he ever worked again, he'd permanently lose 1/2 of his income

70th for FIL - he's the first male in their family to reach the age - he had quadruple by-pass 6 years ago and wasn't expected to reach mid 60's so I understand their wish, but it was their idea.

Am liking the 'per room' idea, plus also perhaps saying (emailing more likely, unfortunately) to her that we clearly have fundamentally principles but we simply can't afford the additional £60 (plus diesel, extra miles etc)