To Not Want To Put DSS, Aged 13, In Nappies When He Comes To Stay?

[midori1999]

I am so pissed off, quite frankly...

There's a bit of a back story, but...

Dh picked up his children today. DSS is 13. He wets the bed at night. Always has done, he might have one or two dry nights a month if lucky.

At home he does not wear pull ups any more. He does for scout trips etc. DH and I have sought advice on this and prefer not to make him wear pull ups here. However, DH has collected his children today and the ex wife has packed pull ups for DSS. Apparently she has spoken to the school nurse who has said he will just grow out of it and not to do anything about it, just put him in pull ups when he is away from home. DH pointed out that this goes against specialist advice she/we/they have been given, but his ex is having none of it.

I feel so sorry for DSS now. His mother does nothing at all to help this issue and as far as we know has stopped seeing the specialist. I will discuss with DSS, but if he doesn't want to wear the pull ups, I plan not to make him. Plus, I consider the fact she has done nothing about this a welfare issue. Am I being over the top?

[Marne]

If he doesn't want to wear them then don't make him. I don't feel you are being OTT, if he can cope without them at home then why not give it a go at your house?

[PueriSimilisCanis]

what specialist advice have you been given for the enuresis?

Also, for DSS, it might be prudent to let him use the night pants to preserve his modesty and avoid embarrassment for him

[laweaselmys]

Has he been to the GPs/ specialists with you? If you don't think his mother is doing enough I would just organise it yourself.

YANBU by the way. Let your DSS decide.

[Goblinchild]

At 13, if there are no other considerations that you haven't mentioned, I'd leave the decision up to him.
Are you proposing that he has a covered mattress and that you will provide as much clean bedding as he needs for the length of his stay?
You'll get better advice from others familiar with custody rights as to what medical or counselling help and advice his father could access for him.

[warthog]

i agree - let him decide.

i think you need to have a talk with her, before making it a 'welfare issue'. she might have valid concerns.

what i thought was that the body starts to produce a hormone which cuts down production of urine at night. mostly that starts happening when we're small children but sometimes it doesn't happen until much later. i might be wrong.

[Casmama]

There is medication that can help with this problem - she should have taken him to see his GP. If she will not then perhaps your dh could. This must be having a huge impact on his self esteem - poor wee soul.

[musicmadness]

ask him if he wants to wear them (or get your DH to ask if that would be less embarrassing for your DSS) and go with what he wants to do. can't you take him to see a specialist if his mum won't, or is that not possible? If he is 13 it sounds like there is an underlying problem and i would have thought it was unlikely he would just grow out of it.

[spanxaremyonlyfriend]

At 13 he should be able to decide for himself.

I know someone who was a late bedwetter for no apparent reason and he did just grow out of it in his late teens.

[faeriemoo]

Since I assume at 13 he'll be getting himself dressed for bed, let him decide whether to put one on or not shrugs

[FakePlasticTrees]

I agree let him decide, make sure there's clean sheets etc in his room in case he needs them.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

At 13 he can make his own mind up.

Drama over nothing imo.

My db had this problem until he was 17. Nothing worked despite gp and specialist input.

[midori1999]

Thanks. DH plan to discuss this with him, and fin dout if he wants us to try and do anything to help him, plus find otu exactly what his Mum has done. She gets arsey when DH tries to discuss with her, tbh.

DSS was almost8 when I met DH. DSS was still in pull ups full time until then, DH just assumed that what the done thing and his ex did tell him she had seen a GP. I asked my own GP on how best to deal with it as the DSC were coming to stay at my house, and he said pull ups weren't usually advised, in fact the opposite. DH badgered ex wife but she still didn't take him to her GP. In the end he took him to my GP when he came to stay, and this prompted ex to seek proper help. They were refferred to a specialist who suggested ditching the pull ups. They tried desmopressin, it didn't work, so specialist suggested a bed alarm. It took ages to come, so DH and I consulted ERIC and bought an alarm they recommended. It worked at first, when he was with us, and at first when he went home. (not dry every night, but at least 70% of nights). Then DSS kept forgetting to put the alarm on, his Mum never reminded him. Then he stopped waking up for alarm, ERIC suggested Mum wake him, but she refused. We have suggested she speak to ERIC direct, but she won't.

I know it's easy to be judgey with these things, but I don't feel it is being dealt with adequately. I also feel the ex genuinely can't be arsed. A couple of years ago when DSS came ot stay we had to remind him to shower each morning. He said his Mum never made him shower every day, and he went to school without showering after wetting.

[PueriSimilisCanis]

aww at not showering every morning poor boy

so desmo didn't work for him, nor did alarms long-term

so back to basics:

make sure he drinks lots in the daytime, pref water/milk, avoiding red/brown drinks(cola/ribena etc) to stretch his bladder and increase it's volume
at bed time do wee/teeth/wee (so-called double-voiding)

he ought to go back to the specialist to see if there are any other measures that can be taken