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To think that 13/14 year olds shouldn't be having 'adult' relationships?

(46 Posts)
Cortina Mon 09-Aug-10 17:03:57

Not sure how best to word this but I have to admit to being shocked to see it's considered normal by some for 13/14/15 year old girls to have sexual relationships with boys?

Have attitudes really shifted so much in recent years? Some lovely and well educated Mums I know are very relaxed about this and say that most girls- this young - do it anyway so they are happy to help dispense contraception and advice etc.

It seems that young girls are under increasing pressure to get into these relationships very young to fit in and appear cool/adult etc. I was surprised that many adults I know seem to condone this and think it's increasingly inevitable.

pjmama Mon 09-Aug-10 17:08:22

Perhaps I'm old fashioned but I would be bloody horrified if my 13/14/15 year old DD were sexually active. But I'd probably be realistic enough to realise that there's little I could do about it except educate, educate, educate and hope I've brought her up with some common sense and self respect.

Better to dispense contraception and advice than not dispense contraception or advice.

Most girls don't do it this young, but if they do you want them to be doing it with contraception and after having heard your advice (which will most likely include 'I advise you not to do this, but....')

flibbertigibbert Mon 09-Aug-10 17:11:52

It is a horrible thought that 13 or 14 year olds would be having adult relationships. But I suppose there's an argument that it's better to get things out in the open and to be able to discuss contraception and make sure it's happening at home in a safe environment. Better that than the teen lying about being at a sleepover and having sex in a park after a few bottles of WKD have been handed around.

GetOrfMoiLand Mon 09-Aug-10 17:12:09

I too would be mortified if dd (14) was sexually active.

She had a boyfriend for a while, but tbh they barely saw each other and when they did they were supervised. She told me that they had spoken about sex, and she said that she didn't want to have sex underage.

I think a lot of her friends are like that - they are pretty judgy of girls who have sex underage and think it's a bit grim. DD is a bit geeky though (not a bad thing, i am a geek also) and is not in the 'in crowd', so probably doesn't have such pressure as other girls.

I think the best way to combat underage sex is to talk about relationships, sex, feelings, respect etc from a young age.

ChasingSquirrels Mon 09-Aug-10 17:13:06

not sure about attitudes shifting in recent years, I was in a sexual relationship at 14 and am now 38, so quite some years ago.

Cortina Mon 09-Aug-10 17:13:13

I agree. When you say 'educate' what do you mean exactly? I think I may need help for the future . Surely they are still children, boys and girls, at this age.

When I was that age it was the odd one or two girls who had sex, now I fear, it is much greater proportion and from what I've seen recently some are feeling increasingly coerced into things due to peer pressure.

MichaelaS Mon 09-Aug-10 17:21:58

I would be horrified, but thinking back I was nearly in a sexual relationship at 14 (not actually until 16). Physically at this age many girls are adults, even though emotionally they are not yet. It shouldnt' be that suprising that they are exploring. I think what has changed since I was that age is the expectation that it's normal and the peer pressure that results.

NewbeeMummy Mon 09-Aug-10 17:22:32

I'm afraid I'm with Chasing Squirrels, I was 15 when I first had sex and I'm now 31.

If any thing I think it's naive to think that some girls wait until then, I have heard stories from my god daughter who is 12, who has a few friends who are already sexually active.

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 09-Aug-10 17:25:52

I'd be so disappointed if DS is that young, I hope he gets to at least 18.

Cortina Mon 09-Aug-10 17:26:02

This is what I fear NewbeeMummy, why, even as young as 12, are girls seemingly increasingly feeling under pressure?

Agree with Michaela S that there seems to be a movement that it's entirely normal. It's this that shocked me.

pjmama Mon 09-Aug-10 17:28:24

By "educate" I meant trying to make sure they understand the emotional and physical consequences of having sex, which probably sounds alot easier that it actually is!!

maryz Mon 09-Aug-10 17:33:16

I happily dispense advice to dd (14) and to as many of her friends who will listen grin. I would not be at all impressed if they were active sexually at this age, but if they were I would also dispense contraception (with lots and lots of advice).

I have told dd that the only thing I won't forgive and forget is her lying to me - so if she tells me she is sexually active I will have to deal with that without going ballistic. I also feel that many pregnancies are caused by girls insisting they are not actually sexually active and therefore not using contraception. Those in relationships are often less likely to get pregnant, imo.

electra Mon 09-Aug-10 17:33:45

I'm 30 and most of my friends were sexually active from 13-15. I was 16. Although very young is not a great idea, in reality you can't do anything to stop a teenager from doing this and indeed, trying to stop them may well just make them even more determined to do it. So the most important thing becomes damage limitation.

Cortina Mon 09-Aug-10 17:35:18

Maintaining a close relationship with your children all through the teenage years and making time for them however busy you are also has to help.

I would find being 'dumped' by a boy I'd had sex with at this young age incredibly difficult to deal with I think, and wouldn't have been able to deal with those emotional consequences at all. Come to think about it, this was hard enough for me when I was 16 and not having sex with my boyfriend!

I fear I see girls going out into an increasingly competitive, dog eat dog, world and fear a situation where you just get incredibly tough about everything. Relationships will became increasingly cheap and devalued. Love and affection going out of the window. How can you not be damaged by giving yourself away so easily so very young?

Why does it ALWAYS have to be about pressure in girls? girls of that age may well want to have a sexual relationship.

compo Mon 09-Aug-10 17:35:59

I'm 35 and most of my friends had sex btw the ages of 17 to 21 for their first time

I agree hairytriangle - not too get too SGB about it but a 15 year old girl might want to have sex becaus sex is enjoyable.

nottirednow Mon 09-Aug-10 17:37:20

Message withdrawn

maryz Mon 09-Aug-10 17:41:40

I have also pointed out to dd that if she does have sex before she is 17 (Ireland) he is liable to get prosecuted for statutory rape and end up on the sex offenders register. I hope that might put her off.

Cortina Mon 09-Aug-10 17:42:05

To hairy, I am just seeing a huge shift in attitudes recently and it scares me. Ten years ago few parents would be comfortable about a 12 or 13 year old girl having sex, now things are changing. Surely girls of this age are not emotionally mature enough to make this sort of decision?

And what about the boys! Why do people go on about just the girls all the time?

And boys that age are???

PosieParker Mon 09-Aug-10 17:44:35

i think the problem is we treat our children too old from about 8 years old. A little girl at my ds's school had her hair cut shorter in Yr one to be more grown up....I had the 'grown up' haircut at around 11.

ChasingSquirrels Mon 09-Aug-10 17:48:39

I was more hurt by my husband who I had been with for 17 years leaving me, than I was by the end (his choice) of the 2 year relationship I had from 14-16, which involved sex, or by the 2 year relationship from 17-19 (I ended it) which also involved sex.

No, I probably wouldn't be overly happy about my 14yo's having sex, but knowing my own past, and those of friends, I don't think things have changed that much.

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