We have just been away for a night with a group of friends. Friend A, who organised the night has two sisters who are 'WAG-like' I suppose. Very thin, very glam and appearance/expensive things is all to them. They are also both Mums.
Friend B's husband hates friend A's sisters. During the night he started a conversation with me about how he didn't approve of them, maybe he was old fashioned, but he didn't feel that is how Mothers should behave. Apparently they go out every week, and he thinks once a month is enough is you're married. 
I asked if that meant his wife was 'allowed' out once a month then, to which he replied. 'No. Never'.
Later on, friend B felt/was sick.She got a lecture from her DH about the fact she had taken some Pro Plus and that must be making her sick. She got lectured like a child in front of the group. She wanted to go back to their hotel room, but her DH told her to have another drink and she'd be fine. After a bit, friend B disappeared. When people asked where she was her DH said he didn't know, but she must have gone back to the hotel.
Roll on the night and my own DH was a little (ok, very) drunk. He wanted to leave, so we said our goodbyes. Friends B's DH knew we were leaving due to my DH being drunk, but said 'well, you don't have to go, do you?' I said I didn't have to, no, but I wanted to. Yet I know he would have hit the roof if his own wife had wanted to stay out without him.
The next morning friend B told me her DH knew she was going back to the hotel, she told him she was leaving. He stayed. Presumably he told everyone he didn't know where she was so they were aware he'd left her to walk through a strange city alone at night. He had also tried to tell her he had come back to check on her, but she knew he hadn't. Then a row followed where he brought up an affair she had last year and told her all our friends hated her and thought she was a horrible person.
Her Dh even tried to discuss it with me saying 'I'm in the dog house then', to which I replied 'please don't dicuss it with me, you won't like what I have to say on the matter'.
This man is extremely controlling and I feel so sad for my friend. She is desperately unhappy and has no confidence left. I believe her affair was due to her absolute lack of self confidence or self esteem and although she obviously has to be responsible for her own actions, that he DH drove her to it. She has now taken to smoking and drinking excessively in an attempt to 'get at' her DH, even having a glass of wine with breakfast yesterday.
I just really don't know how to help her?
AIBU?
To Want To Help My Friend?
midori1999 · 09/08/2010 12:45
I am not sure she could even see a relate counsellor without her husband knowing, tbh. He phones her regularly when she is out to check up on her. Even when we were shopping with their older teenage daughter last week. 
I think part of the problem is, she feels like she deserves to be treated like this. The affair has made things worse as he uses it against her dreadfully.
They have been married a very long time and she just doesn't know any different. It makes me so sad.
Does she mumsnet? If I didn't I would probably still be with my abusive ex! (I used to have tabs kept on me too.) It took people on here to tell me I deserved better for me to believe it.
Once I had left people in RL all said 'oh Im so glad you left he treat you like shit' well why didn't you say that at the time when I was being ground down more and more everyday.
I agree with shiny, try to spend as much time with her as you can and let her know she has somebody. You sound like a caring friend and that will mean the world to her. 
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