to think its irresponsible for my OH to leave our 2 yr old downstairs on his own?

(690 Posts)
YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 09:47:10


I'm so angry with him rite now and generally since our little boy was born cos he just has no clue how to watch him properly but if i ever have a go at him its 'oh shes off again...' and switches off.

Is this just a general 'men' thing??

Thismorning is a prime example, hes been taking over morning duties of late due to me being 7 month pregnant so thismorning he takes DS1 downstairs and then i can hear him saying 'So r u gonna stay downstairs and be a good boy while Daddy has a shower?' now forgive me if im being unreasonable but surely im not the only one here thinking you dont leave a 2.5 yr old downstairs - on his own - while u go upstairs to have a shower??

Whats everyones opinion on this one - Am i being unreasonable to have a go at OH??

notyummy Thu 05-Aug-10 09:52:26

Depends on how well the house is 'baby/toddlerproofed' and what kind of child it is.

Our kitchen has locks on the breakable/dangerous stuff. There are chairs/tables they could fling themselves off if they REALLY wanted I suppose, but other than that, fairly safe.

At that age I regularly left DD playing whilst I had a shower/did the hoovering upstairs. I made she knew where I was going so she could come and find me.

TBH, you will probably need for him to be able to do this if you are going to have to be left alone if you are sorting things out with a new baby.

Sorry...on balance, I think YABU.

ibangthedrums Thu 05-Aug-10 09:53:19

it depends really!

If there was anything that he could get a hold of that was dangerous or he could get out of the house then a definite no!

However, if it was safe and if it was a v quick shower then perhaps it is OK.

I do leave my one year old downstairs where it is safe when taking things upstairs but not to have a shower or anything where I can't hear him. I also get my almost 4 year old to watch TV in our room when I have a shower (not sure why at his age - it's just what I have always done). D2 comes in bathroom with.

I think I have contradicted myself! What I wanted to say it that I would prob not do it as I can't hear what they are up to but if it is safe then it is prob OK!

Fel1x Thu 05-Aug-10 09:58:09

Depends on your house and your child tbh.
I would never have left ds1 downstairs on his own as he would have done all sorts. He climbed everything, escaped at every available opportunity etc.
Ds2 is 2.5 now and I happily leave him playing or watching tv while I shower as he is a lot calmer and easy going and I know the house is quite safe.

FindingMyMojo Thu 05-Aug-10 10:05:26

I set DD up with her breakfast or watching TV & then go off for a shower. I'm not far away though & the room is fairly toddler proof. I've been doing that since she was just over 2.

ABitBatty Thu 05-Aug-10 10:12:46


'generally since our little boy was born cos he just has no clue how to watch him properly '

have been 'having a go at him' since your ds was born?

I feel sorry for your chap if this is what you think of him! Mums aren't the only people who can look after their kids confused

moaningminniewhingesagain Thu 05-Aug-10 10:15:25

I left DD downstairs while I showered at about that age - stairgate on kitchen and stairs, fresh episode of peppa pig - should would barely notice I was gonesmile I'm not sure she even moved TBH

DS however - he is not 2 yet but can only just nip to the toilet without him, and some days not even that. He is A Climber. So depends very much on the child IMO.

proudnsad Thu 05-Aug-10 10:16:02

YABU agree with ABitBatty. Way to make your dh feel really good about himself!

I used to go for a shower when dd was 2. It's fine as long as it's quick, you check surroundings, they are occupied, they know where you are etc etc.

sunny2010 Thu 05-Aug-10 10:16:46

Dont see any problem with this at all

GypsyMoth Thu 05-Aug-10 10:17:56


and i feel sorry for your was his call,his judgement.....who said all the rules had to be made by you??

Colliecross Thu 05-Aug-10 10:19:48

I think it's a tricky one. I would probably leave for a few minutes in a child-proofed house to do nearly anything else. eg make up, dress, put away laundry. The shower is a bit dodgy as then you can't hear them IMO.

Imarriedafrog Thu 05-Aug-10 10:20:04

My 2 year old is downstairs playing right now and I am upstairs changing beds [and nipping on here] dh is off work but is outside putting the roof bars on the car. Dd1 and 2 are in their room.

MmeLindt Thu 05-Aug-10 10:21:17

It depends on your house and your child.

With DD I could have done this, and did. DS could be left alone at that age, but he would have "redecorated" the furniture and walls with felt tip pens so it was easier to take him with me into the bathroom.

SloanyPony Thu 05-Aug-10 10:23:41


At that age, of course depending a bit on the house and the child's personality, its perfectly reasonable not to supervise them all the time.

Its not so much to do with age though there is a minimum age you would do this. But its not 2 or 2 and a half.

Showering is hard when you have very little kids - you can have them in the bathroom with you but they get to an age where they can jam their fingers in the cupboard or burn themselves on the radiator or just generally find hazards wherever they are!

When they are in that really difficult stage, its best to shower while they are asleep if possible - I've gone through stages of showering at night when they are in bed, in the morning before they get up (though not if you have a 6am starter!) and during morning nap times. The thing with showering is you just can't hear them, and those eyes on the back of your head you think you have are actually your ears.

But back to the original question, no, I'm not sure he was being unreasonable and I suspect that you probably are. There's a reason why he switches off when you speak, you know. Sorry.

Depends. I wd have left ds1 at this age, but not ds2. With any of my three, at this age I wd have made sure that they were engaged in an activity that would hold their attention for long enough before leaving them alone for that amount of time.

In any case, sometimes you havd to take risks and give your child the opportunity to look after themselves - as well as give your dh some say in how the dc are looked after. And the opportunity to learn by experience of the consequences why you choose to do something in a particular way. You never know - you yourself might discover that there are other ways of doing things.

hettie Thu 05-Aug-10 10:26:59

erm as above really.... I left ds downstairs at that age for 5 min at a time..... but then I knew there was nothing downstairs that he could do to destroy himself (or something else)

OrmRenewed Thu 05-Aug-10 10:27:12

Why not? I mean really?

Do you have a hugely dangerous house with open fires and razor blades lying about? Perhaps he should have taken them into a shower with him or brought him to you?

seeker Thu 05-Aug-10 10:28:41

What's he going to do, build a transmitter so the aliens know where to find him?

Squitten Thu 05-Aug-10 10:31:51

Provided that your downstairs is reasonably baby-proofed then YABU.

Our lounge is baby-proofed, stairgates, etc, and my 22mth old is regularly left to play or watch TV while I'm upstairs doing laundry, cleaning, etc. I have to say that I wouldn't shower while he was alone just so that I can respond quickly should something go crash!

You definitely need to lay off your DH a bit though - sounds like you seem to think it's your way or no way regarding how your LO is cared for and that's not fair on him...

PatsyStone Thu 05-Aug-10 10:32:30

I don't think yabu to be concerned. I leave my 2 year old downstairs on her own if I am just popping up and back down again, but I wouldn't get in the shower where I guess most people wouldn't be able to hear properly what was going on downstairs. I do shower and leave dd on her own but that is only because I have a shower downstairs, so she's still in earshot.

I wouldn't have a go though, just explain your concerns calmly. It's not a men thing either.

YABU - what would you do if your husband were out? Chain the child to the bathroom radiator?

Lynli Thu 05-Aug-10 10:33:33

YANBU I am relieved that I am not the only person who thinks this. IMO children this age are very unpredictable.

There was a thread yesterday about the stunts DCS perform, it is a list of all the potentially dangerous things that DCs do when you are not looking e.g. sit on the window ledge.

But apparently it is perfectly normal to allow these things to happen. If you watch your child and protect it that makes you a freak.

I would have had a go at my DH if he did this, especially as you were in the house and could have watched him.

TrinityRhino Thu 05-Aug-10 10:34:54


um, yes i would leave my 2.5 yr old while i had a shower.

in fact, i don't have much choice every day when i have to leave my 2.5 yr old and 1 yr old whilke i have a shower.

they're fine. it's only like, 10 minutes

mrswill Thu 05-Aug-10 10:35:33

Depends on the child.

DD 2years, can be left to watch tv, with stairgates on the stairs and kitchen. Shes not very 'busy' though, and it wouldnt occur to her to start climbing, or drawing over walls!
My nephew aged 3 on the other hand, seems to look for trouble, so I wouldnt leave him for a minute.
If your DS is the previous, then I cant see the issue with your DH leaving him to have a shower smile

PatsyStone Thu 05-Aug-10 10:36:54

What Lynli says about children being unpredictable is spot on. I leave dd in one room while I'm in another for longish periods of time every day, but never out of earshot.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 10:39:47


The problem is, that if you've been shrieking at your DH that he's doing things wrong for 2 years, then he won't have learnt his own parenting style, rules and boundries. In 5 years time you will be moaning that he isn't interested in the children, and a lot of that will be because you have told him from word go that he isn't competent as a parent.

LimaCharlie Thu 05-Aug-10 10:39:50

If your house is safe I don't see the problem

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 10:40:40

I do this every morning and have done since my daughter (now 2.5) was one (though I must admit I rushed my shower a lot more then than I do now.)

I am a man, but I know my wife does the same when it's her turn to do the morning shift.

Our daughter has never come to any harm in this way.

How else do you propose a parent on his/her own has a shower in the morning?

MmeLindt Thu 05-Aug-10 10:44:16

I posted on the thread yesterday. Don't think that if you watch your child like a hawk and never let him/her out of your sights that something like that cannot happen.

The time I came into the kitchen and found DD on the worktop with a massive knife, I had just nipped to the loo. I was at most a minute out of the room. I have absolutely no idea how she managed to drag a chair over and climb up on the worktop in that time but she did.

My DD was up at the very top of climbing frames when she was just a toddler. She never fell off because she knew how far to go and she was always able to get down.

If a child is not allowed to be alone, or climb on a climbing frame with a parent hovering underneath them, then they will never learn how far they can safely go.

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 10:45:05

OP YABU (as I think you may have gathered from the other responses)

How else am I meant to have a shower in the morning? At 2.5yo DS will play happily in his bedroom by himself, while I'm doing something downstairs - is that wrong too? hmm

Honestly.. chill out a bit and stop having a go at your husband!

BornToFolk Thu 05-Aug-10 10:45:22

Children are unpredictable but you can't watch them 24 hours a day until they leave home. You have to teach them to be responsible for their own safety, and part of that is leaving them unsupervised for periods of time.

I don't think leaving a 2.5 year old downstairs is necessarily irresponsible, but as others have said, it really depends on the child.

notyummy Thu 05-Aug-10 10:46:35

Lynli - you cannot watch them every moment of everyday. Sometimes dangerous things can happen; it is fact a life. We mitigate against this by adapting our houses as best we can. However, they do have to start learning cause and effect at some point.

<Disclaimer: For those about to flame me, I do NOT mean leaving a small child in the bath alone/in the house whilst you go the pub. I merely mean in a childproofed environment for 5 minutes.>

And I still think that the OPs DS will have to be left alone for 5 minutes or so very shortly when the new baby is born...when you relaise you have run out of nappies downstairs and baby has pooed over entire outfit and so on etc etc. Do people really take all their other kids round the house with them at all times??

Patsy99 Thu 05-Aug-10 10:49:44

YABU - if you get your house up to a reasonably toddler-proof standard it's fine to leave them unsupervised. In fact I'd actually say it's desirable for their independence and development.

Mind you, once when I left 2 year old DS unsupervised when I was in the shower he poo-ed on the living room carpet and them walked in it. Argh.

LeQueen Thu 05-Aug-10 10:52:07

Ah, yet another chance for you to nag your DP, yet again proving you're best and he's shit, right?

I left the DDs at that age, for 10 minutes whilst I had a shower. Just used to close the stairgates, give them both a snack and made sure Cbeebies was on. I don't think they even noticed I'd gone?

But, then our lounge was very safe, no sharp corners, and neither showed any interest in climbing ever.

notquitenormal Thu 05-Aug-10 11:19:12

Depends on how long it takes I suppose.

I wouldn't do it, because even though our house is fairly child proofed, I don't seem to be able to manage a shower in under 15 minutes (I know, it's pathetic.)

DH is no problem. He can be in and out in 4 minutes (takes him longer to do a number 2!) which is fine.

But then, with our DS we don't need to toddler proof. We just need to put Mr Tubmle on and he's guaranteed not to move until it's finished.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 11:28:12

I can not actually believe most of the responses iv just read - firstly, the ones saying they feel sorry for my OH - have u even waited for my response as to the safety of my house or asked for any other history of what he has been like for the past 2.5 yrs with DS??

FYI our house isnt very child proof downstairs - there is no stairgate on the kitchen, knives scissors etc in the draws and bleach and other products in the cuboards he has easy access to. OH left the stairgate at the bottom of the stairs open so he could easily walk up with a handfull of toys unable to hold onto the rail which he regularly tries to do - i would say this was fine to trust him on the stairs but less than a month ago he fell down the stairs when being trusted to walk up on his own and so now we are suposed to be a little more cautious!

Its not that i constantly watch him 24/7 cos i dont, i regularly go upstairs and leave him down there to do quick things - empty the potty/do my makeup/ brush teeth etc but as some other sensible people have said, a shower is a bit different as you cant actually hear if anything happens so i would never leave him downstairs - especially as i was just upstairs and he could have just brought him up with him and i would have watched him. it just makes me sick with worry at the thought of him looking after him for a long period of time.

if our house was childproofed - i.e. he couldnt get into the kitchen and the front door was locked as he knows how to get out then fair enuf he wont get into much trouble downstairs but the fact is it isnt.

and regarding the comments about my poor OH, do you think i actually enjoy having to moan at him every single day about his child rearing methods? He acts like a big brother not a father, time after time i have warned him about things for him to ignore me and then i have to watch my DS suffer when hes fell and banged his head or whatever due to OH's bad parenting. Yes i could just let him learn the hard way but y shud my DS have to suffer becos im too scared to speak up when he's obviously doing something wrong??

minxofmancunia Thu 05-Aug-10 11:28:17

YABU, I can't remember when I started leaving dd alone so I could shower but it was younger than this. Peppa Pig dvd on and off I went, nothing dangerous within reach. DS is only 10 so obviously a bit more difficult but if I'm able to I'll be leaving him too when he's a bit older to get stuff done.

I'm lucky in that dd is fairly "sensible" re reckless activities and is brilliant at keeping an eye on her little brother but i can't tell what he'll be like when older, he's already showing signs of being a climber!

minxofmancunia Thu 05-Aug-10 11:28:56

ds is 10 months, not 10!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 11:31:43

Well if he's that bad a father that you consider him a danger to you child then leave him and only let him have supervised contact.

MrsFC Thu 05-Aug-10 11:32:35

Why isn't your house child proofed downstairs??


YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 11:35:02

and to answer JarethTheGoblinKing and MIFLAW, i find it pretty easy to have a shower in the morning without leaving him downstairs - either get OH to watch him or if OH isnt about take him upstairs with me so he can play in his room which is safe.

Im not for the whole take the child with you 24/7, just dont leave the child in areas of the house where there is lots of danger!

I totally agree that children need to be able to adventure by themselves and learn their limits which our DS does, just not leaving them out of earsight with allsorts of things within hand reach that he shouldnt touch.

Headbanger Thu 05-Aug-10 11:36:29

"Do you think i actually enjoy having to moan at him every single day about his child rearing methods?"

Uhm. Yes?!

minxofmancunia Thu 05-Aug-10 11:37:19

OP if you're so sure you're right why post in AIBU?? Post in chat or parenting instead, why the outrage when you've asked for peoples opinions?

Re the knives, bleach etc. lock them away or store bleach in the bathroom out of reach which is what we do. Your ds is going to need to learn autonomy and independence at some point, fwiw usually the mothers who complain they never have a minute are the ones who anxiously hover over their dcs constantly, never leaving them alone.

And I'm sure you get frustrated with your hd, we all do but the way you talk about him makes you sound like you;r infantalising him big time. Treat him like a naughty irresponsible child and he'll behave like one. Read up on a bit of transactional analysis critical parent/child stuff if you want to get an insight. It's a trap i've seen lots of my friends fall into and me at times too.

Yabu. Keep the stairgate on, get locks for the cupboards and keep knives etc out of reach. Hardly rocket science. Many 2 year olds are fine on their own in a relatively safe environment (for the few minutes it takes to have a shower). If your house is safe (as it should be) what on earth are you worried about?
If downstairs is really so hazardous can you not put him in his (presumably safe) bedroom while you shower?

llbeanj Thu 05-Aug-10 11:39:15

seems like you listen to people on here just as much as you listen to your OH.

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 11:39:43

If you'd put in your OP that your downstairs isn't childproofed, and that your child can let himself out the front door, you probably would have got some very different replies.

I leave DS (2.7) in the lounge with the TV on while I shower. It's a childproofed room and he's perfectly safe in there.

Blahrahrah Thu 05-Aug-10 11:40:20

Why not toddler proof your house? Especially with a baby, your ds will e a lot more unsupervised as you are with the baby changing nappies etc. Better to get it done now than with two in the house!

DaisySteiner Thu 05-Aug-10 11:40:42

Why don't you make downstairs safer?! Problem solved.

Love the word 'earsight' by the way. That's a keeper.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 11:41:41

MrsFC our house isnt childproofed downstairs becos i have never felt the need for stairgates all over the house as i know how to watch my child without needing this - OH doesnt want to spend money on buying stairgates (i had to buy the 2 we already own) and he's the one who watches DS less and therefore would benefit from buying them.

the safety of our house isnt really under discussion here, it is what it is and OH knows how safe it is and therefore should have acted rite for the situation.which he didnt. as he never does.

i love my OH and the only arguements we ever have now are over his parenting style, we were perfectly fine before starting a family and will be perfectly fine once we get thru this stage in our childrens lives. I was just wanting some NICE support either way, not comments saying they 'feel sorry' for my OH. if you feel like that then dont comment as its not really helpful is it

I personally wouldnt actually be able to concentrate properly whilst having a shower to benefit leaving him downstairs as id always be trying to listen out for him crying.

I was just upstairs awake in bed, y did he not just bring him up?? Simple really.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 11:42:15

Headbanger are you male by any chance??

OrmRenewed Thu 05-Aug-10 11:42:43

Personally I think there's more of an issue with your house being so dangerous hmm Could you not put a lock on the bleach cupboard and the knife drawer and a stairgate on the bottom of the stairs?

BTW is your OH allowed to make any decisions at all, or is it just re your child that you assume he is an idiot?

BonniePrinceBilly Thu 05-Aug-10 11:43:15

Poor man. Imagine being bitched at and moaned at every single day for so long! I'm amazed he's still there to be honest.

And the twattish "is it a man thing"? angry No dear, its a controlling overbearing shrewish nag thing.

In case you hadn't guessed, thats a YABU.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 11:44:41

thecatatemygymsuit - i did already suggest this as the way i would have my shower - put him upstairs in his bedroom.

And the point of the stairgate for my OH would be?? - he left the one we already have downstairs wide open so of no use anyhow!

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 11:45:23

Then why bother with AIBU if you can't deal with people disagreeing with you?


Headbanger Thu 05-Aug-10 11:45:54

You sound very tiring. . . Commenting on feeling sorry for your OH is helpful, in that your relationship is bound to suffer if he is made to perpetually feel as if he doesn't live up to your standards.

You talk as if he is an irritant and enemy, not your partner and the father or your child. Also, what's with this business that he should buy a stairgate for the occasions when he isn't is watching your child?

It all seems like a very strange and unfamily-ish set-up to me...confused

Why don't you just take responsibility and make your house safe? You apparently do have the need for stairgates, and it is terribly lax to leave knives/bleach within reach, not to mention a front door your child could open.

MajorPettigrew Thu 05-Aug-10 11:46:13

Urm.... well put a gate on the kitchen, lock the front door and put locks on the drawers and under the sink.

An accident could happen just as easily when you 'pop' upstairs to do your make up.

I don't really understand if you know your house isn't safe for a toddler why it's OK for you to leave him but not your DH.

Headbanger Thu 05-Aug-10 11:46:55

Yummy - no, I am a female, with 34FF proof, my love.

That comment, I'm afraid, demonstrates a) your extreme childishness and b) your attitude towards men.

BornToFolk Thu 05-Aug-10 11:47:03

Why not just childproof the downstairs though? As others have said, with a new baby to look after, you're probably going to have to leave your 2 year old alone more than you currently do.

TBH, I think you've both been quite irresponsible to have a house that is so dangerous that you can't leave a 2 year old alone for a few minutes.

MajorPettigrew Thu 05-Aug-10 11:48:14


PotPourri Thu 05-Aug-10 11:48:38

I think you are right to worry, but your DH also needs to have the right to exercise his judgement. Maybe suggest he could takehim into the bathroom with him in future.

You will find it harder to helicopter so much when dc2 makes an appearance, so may be worth trying to distance yourself a bit npow before then.

DreamTeamGirl Thu 05-Aug-10 11:49:12

Depends on the child and the house. How 'sensible' child is and how potentially dangerous your house is

I am single parent so I left DS at that age to have a shower every day. I was only out of ear range for about 3 minutes, then I would call down 'you ok?' and listen to him play while I dressed. never for a second occured to me to drag him upstairs to sit out side bathroom while I showered.

Would you object to your child going upstairs on their own to play in their room?

BuzzingNoise Thu 05-Aug-10 11:49:26

yabu. If I never left ds alone downstairs I'd never have washed!

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 11:49:54

OrmRenewed - i have bought safety clips for the draws but need OH to put them on - in fact i bought them over a year ago and am still waiting for them to be put on.

unless i moan AGAIN they will never get put on.

we have a stairgate on the bottom of the stairs - OH left it open thismorning.

BonniePrinceBilly you must be a male yourself. no need for me to make any further comment.

MajorPettigrew Thu 05-Aug-10 11:50:57

Bloody hell - put the locks on yourself!

Are you helpless?

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 11:51:18


YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 11:51:38

Headbanger i didnt mean it as in he should buy it cos he needs it not me, but i buy pretty much everything for DS and everything for the new baby, i only have a limited amount of funds and with him earning more than me i dont c y he shouldnt buy something - like stairgates for the top of the stairs and the kitchen!

DaisySteiner Thu 05-Aug-10 11:51:59

So you don't have a stair gate upstairs? How do you know your ds won't get out of his bedroom and go downstairs while you're in the shower?!!

You need your OH to put the safety clips on. Perleeease. It is 2010 you know.

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 11:52:00

Er put the safety clips on the drawers, YOURSELF

BornToFolk Thu 05-Aug-10 11:53:08

Put the locks on yourself!

And stop accusing posters of being male, like it's some kind of crime.

EvadneGreenspan Thu 05-Aug-10 11:53:24

there is a small risk associated with this. Your DP thinks it is reasonable , you do not.
Stop having a go at him and discuss like adults.

come toa compromise.

and stop 'going on at him'

or he will not be there for long

YABVU in your attitude

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 11:53:26

pressed post too early.

You quite frankly dear, sound like an overbearing, nagging loon...

foureleven Thu 05-Aug-10 11:54:40

as a single parent i had to leave DD to have a shower, put make up on etc else I would have been a stinking wreck for the first few years of her life. YABU.

"we were perfectly fine before starting a family and will be perfectly fine once we get thru this stage in our childrens lives." Just be careful that the resentment leaves through the door too..

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 11:54:41

Look, if you ask questions, you will get answers and you aren't going to like some of the answers you get. That is life. Getting defensive won't help anyone.

You don't need safety gates to baby=proof the house. Rearrange your kitchen cupboards so all bleach and dangerous products are in top shelves with locks on them. Put locks on the bottom cupboards but fill them with cereal, bars and plastic crap that won't matter if he works out how to open the locks.

If your husband has no idea how to parent your first child, why are you having a second with him? Why aren't purchases for children shared expenses? It is helpful to ask these questions because the real problem here doesn't sound like its leaving a 2 year old downstairs whilst having a shower, it really sounds like their is a complete lack of communication.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 11:55:03

not read the whole thread but yabu. I live on my own with the dcs, how the bloody hell do you expect lone parents to get anything done if you expect the child to be with the the whole time they are awake.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 11:55:06

not read the whole thread but yabu. I live on my own with the dcs, how the bloody hell do you expect lone parents to get anything done if you expect the child to be with the the whole time they are awake.

theQuibbler Thu 05-Aug-10 11:55:52

Oh, YummyMummy - you're really going to have a hard time of it with the new baby if you can't learn let go a little bit.

If the downstairs is childproofed, then childproof it. Stop waiting for someone else to do it.

Let your DH be a parent, too. His way isn't necessarily wrong; just different. You are so not going to have the time to micromanage every aspect of your DS's time with your DH when the baby arrives.

And if you try... God, you are going to get so pissed off and resentful. Even more so than you already are - trust me.


EvadneGreenspan Thu 05-Aug-10 11:57:07

and if he is such a crap parent why are you having a second child together ?

make your house safer?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 11:57:59

YummyMummy - you are bizarre. Every time someone disagrees with you particularly strenuously you're assuming they're a man!

WTF at needed DH to put a few cupboard locks on! If you really are that incapable then hire a handyman to do it.

foureleven Thu 05-Aug-10 11:58:17

And why anyone would wait a year for someone to do something for them is beyond comprension.

DaisySteiner Thu 05-Aug-10 11:58:58

Please answer my question about why it's OK to leave your ds upstairs without a stair gate while you have a shower, but not downstairs. Pleeease.

mayorquimby Thu 05-Aug-10 11:59:17

"I was just wanting some NICE support either way, not comments saying they 'feel sorry' for my OH. if you feel like that then dont comment as its not really helpful is it"

So basically you posted in AIBU but only people willing to post "YANBU" are allowed to respond.
I would have thought by the volume of YABU responses you would have noticed 2 things
1: In most people opinion YABU
2: you can't dictate or control the responses of other peoples answers to a question simply because you are the one who asked the question.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 12:01:51

Yes please do answer Daisy's question.

IMO it is more important to have a gate at the top of the stairs than a gate at the bottom.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:04:00

so i should do everything myself then should i? - is OH just allowed to get off totally guilt free here and me look like the irresponsible one. r u all women that just believe the men shud do f all in bringing up kids and women should do all the work???

jesus christ, most of u have blinkers on and im shocked at how many people neglect their children to go shower leaving them downstairs without a thought, is it not simple enough to bring them upstairs to play in their room??

and yes i must be helpless as i have no idea how to put locks on doors - thats y i have a man around, y is this such a hard thing for him to accomplish?? surely he should be looking out for the safety of his own child aswell? if i left him alone enough to benefit from all the childproofing then id go get it myself but i dont need it.

perhaps with a new baby coming we may consider baby proofing a little more as i agree he will be alone more often.

i do feel like i treat OH like a child himself as to be honest thats how he acts. what am i suposed to do if he doesnt watch him enough - letting DS trap his fingers in the car window cos OH was reading a CD cover and not watching him, then having to comfort DS whilst he sobs as his fingers hurt for example?? before u ask, DS likes Daddys van and so he took him out to sit in the van and play whilst i served dinner.
its not like this is a one time thing, its happened his whole life so it grates a bit when ive tried the whole making suggestions thing and saying it nicely but he never listens and i really dont know what else to do other than moan. Im just tired of feeling as tho i have 2 kids to watch, not just one.

lifeas3plus1 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:04:14


My do works away Monday to Friday and has done Since ds1 was a week old. If he didn't get left on his own I wouldn't have been able to have a shower for 5 day's in a row.

As soon as he started moving around I made sure the house was child friendly. It takes 5 minutes to put any chemicals out of reach and either put a gate on the kitchen or lock the kitchen cupboards.

I don't know anyone who would leave chemicals and knives in reach of children whether they watched their dc 24/7 or not.

Anyway been busy this morning so I'm off to have a shower whilst my 15 month old occupies himself for 10 minutes.

prettybird Thu 05-Aug-10 12:06:12

Well, dh and I must both be totally irresponsible, as we never had stair gates (*taught* ds how to use the stairs) and frequently left him on one floor while we were on another. Now while I acknowledge that no everyone would choose that approach, the point is that dh and I agreed it.

There are lots of things that dh does with ds that I wouldn't do - but the point is that we are all individuals and have different ways of doing tihngs - which includes different levels of risk pereception.

I presume that your OH loves your ds. Well, then let him get on with doing what he thinks he should do and stop micro-managing him. Yes, he'll make mistakes (especially if you have told him what to do for the last 2 years) - but that is how you learn.

I agree with others that if your downstairs is really that unsafe hmm, then you are both at fault. If your OH geeuinely won't do it - and your not capable of it - then get someone in to do it.

omnishambles Thu 05-Aug-10 12:06:23

I would concentrate on the kitchen and front door tbh and get that done (if necessary yourself) before the baby comes (and congrats btw).

The stairgates imo you shouldnt really need at 2.5 -they should be learning to come down by themselves - specially if they are potty training then surely they can do the stairs? I know its awful when they fall but then they need to learn to bump down on their bums or to turn round and slide down - you wont be able to carry baby and toddler and negotiate the stairgates anyway.

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 12:07:02

"most of u have blinkers on and im shocked at how many people neglect their children to go shower leaving them downstairs without a thought, is it not simple enough to bring them upstairs to play in their room?? "

Now you're accusing people of neglect?! hmm

[sits back and waits for thread to explode]

MajorPettigrew Thu 05-Aug-10 12:07:37

Fair enough then - if you only have a man around to fit locks then I can see why you are pissed off at it not been done for over a year.

I only keep DH to lift heavy things, so I know what you mean.

FFS confused

Headbanger Thu 05-Aug-10 12:07:40

"Thats y I have a man around"

shock shock shock shock

That is all.

Oh no hang on, here's another for your grammar: shock

nancy10 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:07:43

YABU! Why don't you stop being so lazy get out of bed and supervise your child while your OH has a shower. If your well enough to nag him constantly, your well enough to get out of bed!! Child proof your house FGS. If you can't put locks on your cupboards, get another stair gate. Put bleach up high!! I agreee with OP that it depends on your child, but then you child proof more!!! Cut the guy some slack and take a chill pill before your new baby arrives!

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 12:08:36

"FYI our house isnt very child proof downstairs - there is no stairgate on the kitchen, knives scissors etc in the draws and bleach and other products in the cuboards he has easy access to." Ditto - so, rather sensibly i feel, I have put these things out of reach as far as possible (quite easy as she is less than a metre high) and also taught my daughter not to play with knives or go in cupboards when I am not there.

I am also not seeing how playing UPSTAIRS in his room is safer than playing DOWNSTAIRS in another room, given that the results of falling down the stairs are potentially worse than those of falling up them.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 12:10:43

If he's such a crap, lazy arse, why are you with him?

Why are you having a second child with him?

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 12:12:13

op, you are very very sexist! And you are the irrisponsible one! Read the fucking instructions with the clips! 'thats why you have a man around' what a load of bollocks! Get a grip and shift stuff that can harm your ds!

I have one stair gate, and that is on the kitchen. Dd can now climb it, so the door handle has been turned around, and guess what, I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF! POOR OLD ME, A FEMALE, HAVING TO DO SOMETHING!

nancy10 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:12:32

'Letting ds trap his fingers in the car window cos OH was reading a CD cover and not watching him..' Children do hurt themselves, it's called learning. It's not neglect to read a CD cover whilst in the car. Yes, it's unfortunate that he trapped his fingers but he was ok!

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 12:12:46

"I personally wouldnt actually be able to concentrate properly whilst having a shower."

Concentrate? What on? Put some soap on the sponge, move it over your body - shoulders first, arse last - and rinse with the water falling down from above your head.

It's hardly a John Le Carre novel, is it?

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 12:12:58

"thats y i have a man around"

Fuck me!

MrsFC Thu 05-Aug-10 12:13:16

Leaving my child alone on the sofa while I have a shower is NOT neglect.

Having cupboards at child height containing bleach IS.

And if you can't put on a child lock on, then shame on you.

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 12:13:29

<Snort @ MIFLAW>

DaisySteiner Thu 05-Aug-10 12:13:33

You still haven't answered my question. I'll make it easy for you as there are only two possible answers that I can think of.


1) You hadn't thought about having a stair gate upstairs because you think it is safe not to have one.


2) You're locking your ds in his room while you have a shower.

Which is it? 1 or 2?

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 12:13:39

op, you are very very sexist! And you are the irrisponsible one! Read the fucking instructions with the clips! 'thats why you have a man around' what a load of bollocks! Get a grip and shift stuff that can harm your ds!

I have one stair gate, and that is on the kitchen. Dd can now climb it, so the door handle has been turned around, and guess what, I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF! POOR OLD ME, A FEMALE, HAVING TO DO SOMETHING!

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 12:13:45

op, you are very very sexist! And you are the irrisponsible one! Read the fucking instructions with the clips! 'thats why you have a man around' what a load of bollocks! Get a grip and shift stuff that can harm your ds!

I have one stair gate, and that is on the kitchen. Dd can now climb it, so the door handle has been turned around, and guess what, I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF! POOR OLD ME, A FEMALE, HAVING TO DO SOMETHING!

Patsy99 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:14:02

Op - as I've said I think YABU about the safety side - it's definitely not neglect!

But from what you say you're pretty fed up with your OH about several other things - fairness about money in particular - and it is all boiling up into a scrap about safety.

If your OH doesn't think it's necessary to supervise all the time (as I don't) he should be prepared to put effort into making sure downstairs is reasonably safe. And your fianncial arraangements sound really unfair. Is it this that you're really angry about?

OrmRenewed Thu 05-Aug-10 12:14:04

Was your OH supposed to sit in the van without taking his eyes off your child all the time? Or was he allowed to blink?

mayorquimby Thu 05-Aug-10 12:14:40

"is it not simple enough to bring them upstairs to play in their room?? "

So is it the altitude at which they are left literally the only sticking point?
How is alone downstairs any different to alone upstairs?

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 12:15:07

knickers, calm your self grin

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 12:15:24


Of course he can't blink Orm! You BLINK when looking after your DC's?! how neglectful

DreamTeamGirl Thu 05-Aug-10 12:15:32

I 'neglect' my child by having a shower shock

yet I am not the one with bleach and sharp knives left lying around and an unlocked door...
because I put on door locks ...
FFS ...

What sort of windows do you have on car that lets him trap his fingers???????

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 12:16:02

(argh!) yourself

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 12:16:06

Headbanger grin

OP - seriously?? 'That's why I have a man around' (sorry I can't bring myself to replicate your spelling)

If you haven't got a stairgate at the top of the stairs, then how is he safer upstairs while you are in the shower?
DS normally sits on my bed while I have a shower - I leave him with some books and often an episode of Peppa and he is fine. If he gets bored then he climbs down and either plays in his room or comes into the bathroom to talk to me. But I have a stairgate across the top of the stairs so that he can't hurl himself down by mistake.

You have another baby coming and your toddler will have to fend for himself a lot more, so I suggest that you do some more childproofing.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:16:09

can u not shower when the kids are in bed??

I manage fine without showering when he's awake so im sure all u single parents can do just the same!

And the reason its ok to leave him upstairs without the stairgate on the top is -1)i would either shut the stairgate on his room so he can play nicely in there or 2) he is still within earSIGHT ( grin ) so i can communicate with him and hear where hes at - plus i leave the bathroom door open so i can see if he walks towards the stairs.

good enough answer?

I didnt suggest that evryone must agree with me, but nasty comments about me personally rnt really useful.

i was honestly wanting opinions as i wanted advice on firstly am i going crazy and secondly how can me and OH come to some sort of agreement on child rearing which doesnt leave me angry and resentful and leave him feeling like shit? Maybe its a family thing as my mum totally agrees if not inspires me to moan yet his mum is more like him and doesnt really 'watch' DS as much.

I really do want to lose go a little as i am so angry with OH inside all the time as i feel he's not listening to me or doesnt see where im coming from and i would like to get our rship back to how it used to be before all this crap started.

but unless i spend 50 odd quid on babyproofing then the situation is still going to be the same is it not? I can do all the moving bleach etc around but i do not have the money to be buying stairgates/cuboard clips etc when as selfish as this sounds, its not me who needs them.

Patsy99 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:16:55

Actually I expected my DH to put the cupboards locks on, DIY is one of the few things he does around the house. His job imo.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 12:18:11

YOu need to go to relate and start talking to one another. And then listening to what the other one says.

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 12:19:27

ergh, no. I shower in the morning.

Shodan Thu 05-Aug-10 12:20:38

Gaily flinging around accusations of neglect and/or 'being male' isn't going to help your cause at all, you know. Those of us who have child-proofed our homes (in whatever way, be that door/drawer locks, moving dangerous items our of reach, stairgates or whatever else) may well feel that a parent who doesn't do these things is neglectful, in fact.

Don't be so wet, either. You're claiming that your OH isn't as responsible as you because he watches your child differently- but you won't shift yourself to fix a few locks on! Screwdrivers aren't that difficult to understand, you know.

In answer to your question, yes, YABU. If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

DaisySteiner Thu 05-Aug-10 12:21:48

What if you shut your eyes while you're concentrating in the shower? wink

Seriously though, you are a bit deluded if you think that a toddler wouldn't be able to sneak past a bathroom quietly. Frankly, I'm surprised he hasn't started climbing over the stair gates.

You do need to accept though that your dh may want to do things differently though and that is no bad thing in itself. Why not just make downstairs safe so that you can both do things the way you want? Why is your way the only right way?

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:22:59

Thank you Patsy99. I fail to see y its my job to do all the safety netting in the house?

What job do men have in bringing up the kids then if im expected to do everything??

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 12:24:11

If it concerns you that much, and your OH hasn't done it...quit bitching about it and go bloody do it ffs

Patsy99 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:24:17

I agree with Stewie - this is just a surface problem. Why does your OH have more money than you? Why is it your responsibilty to pay for childproofing stuff?

God knows there are zillions more thing to argue about when there are toddlers about.

Headbanger Thu 05-Aug-10 12:24:28

OP, presumably he goes out to work?

Aitch Thu 05-Aug-10 12:24:34

you sound a little controlling, he sounds a little lax. annoying, but you are going to have to meet in the middle if your home isn't to become a battleground.

MajorPettigrew Thu 05-Aug-10 12:26:40

But equally there is no use in fuming because he hasn't done something you see to be his job.
You sound like a stroppy child 'if he's not going to do it, I'm not going to do it...' attitude will get you nowhere.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:28:38

I can see thru the bathroom door and our floorboards are so creaky i hear every move he makes on the landing.

Downstairs i am unable to hear him at all.

I am trying to accept he does things differently but my head will not allow me to just sit back and watch my DS hurt himself in situations that i wouldnt hav let happen myself. How can anyone do this? Serious question, as i would love to know how to let go of this fear!

I did get out of bed myself in answer to another comment. OH has been trying to be more involved in the last month and so he gets up with DS as he leaves for qork at 7:15am and so is up anyway. as soon as i knew he wanted a shower, i got up myself. I am not some sort of lazy mother who does nothing, i work full time andusualy do most of the child rearing due to OH never being around. not that this has anything to so with the subject!

nancy10 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:29:01

What's more important, tittle tattling and getting angry over who puts cupboard locks, stair gates up or your dc safety and independance. I've asked my dh to do lots of things around the house which STILL need doing, I imagine most people are the same.

MrsFC Thu 05-Aug-10 12:29:34

'nasty comments about me personally rnt really useful'

Then don't say that leaving a child alone while I shower is neglect.

Aitch Thu 05-Aug-10 12:29:52

oh it probably has everything to do with it, tbh. do you think your marriage is in a tricky patch?

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 12:31:03

This sounds like your relationship isn't working for either of you. You sound resentful. YOu need to talk to one another

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:31:36

He is the one who doesnt watch DS enough to need to childproof so y hasnt he gone about it himself to put locks/stairgates on?

Becos he doesnt think he needs them on.

so unless i spend evry penny i have on things to put in place due to his lack of parenting the house wont get child proofed.

but i supose this is my faut as well, i should pay for everything, do all the work all becos he doesnt watch DS enough.

Oh please.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:32:09

We arent married.

prettybird Thu 05-Aug-10 12:32:22

Mentioning children climbing over stair gates reminds me of the time when we realised that ds was ready to move from his cot to a bed: age 2.5, he shuffled into our bedroom in his sleeping bag, rubbing his head and saying "ouch" grinblush

We can only presume that he someone managed to swing his (encased) legs up over the cot side. A stair gate would have been a piece of cake! grin

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 12:34:37

The first thing you need to do is sort out shared finances, otherwise your relationship is NOT going to be fine once your children are out of the the baby phase. What will happen when you are on maternity leave? What money will you have access to.

Far more going on here than a difference of opinion over leaving a toddler alone for 5 minutes or not.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 12:34:37

Look, you aren't listening to anything we have to say are you?

You are just feeling resentful, crappy and are taking it out on people you have never met.

No one is saying this is your fault. We are saying this is life and you need to deal with it.

Go to Relate and get counselling as a couple and learn how to talk to one another.

lifeas3plus1 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:35:23

Well, I just got out of the shower and ds is still very much alive..... The Argos catalogue however, is not.

I think you should just go and spend 10 minutes re arranging your kitchen so it's actually safe for your child rather that being sat on here accusing people of neglectbecause they dare to have a shower!

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 12:36:24

But if your so bloody worried then PUT.THEM.ON.YOURSELF. and quit frigging sound about 5

Oblomov Thu 05-Aug-10 12:37:23

I leave ds2 1 and 3/4 downstairs ehile i shower or do somethjing upsatirs. i do this all the time. he plays. or he comes up and sits with me.

why all these mums seem to think you can't leave a child on their own is beyond me.
some children are terrors and would paint your lounge blue in 2 seconds. but not all. you probably haven't trained them properly. or are too helicopter parenting to notice that they can do things on their own. they don't need ot be attached at the hip 24/7 you know.

but i see this thread has moved on to other marital issues !!

nancy10 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:37:23

Who is supervising your son while your on the computer???????????????????????????

MmeLindt Thu 05-Aug-10 12:37:47

Ok, leaving aside the concentrating on having a shower (LOL at MIFLAW) you really need to have a chat with your DH about being responsible with your DS without you feeling resentful and nagging.

Can you give us examples of the kind of thing that you find unacceptable?

Tbh, I think that the car window thing was just an accident. My Dad shut the car door on my fingers by mistake when I was about 8yo.

Child proof your house. Why are you bickering about whose responsibility it is to do it, or who should pay for it?

If your DS takes a swig of that bleach while you are emptying the potty, it will do youno good to say that it was your DH's responsibility.

mumeeee Thu 05-Aug-10 12:38:29

UABU, I used to leave mine downstairs at that age or would try to. They often just followed me upstairs! You can't always be taking them with you.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:38:46

The only issue in our relationship rite now is this and its causing problems. We dont really argue as such - i will step in and look after DS wen OH leaves him and OH will walk off mumbling 'here she goes again..' and there is love there between us so its not having an effect on DS yet.

The only way i can see this being resolved is meeting half way - i am prepared to tone it down, let him learn by himself but he needs to up his barrier a teeny bit aswell. He cant expect it to be all give and no take yet he wont listen - if i talk to him calm or scream, either way he doesnt listen.

Im not a 'keep the child strapped to you 24/7' person - in fact, around my mum i look like im not looking after him properly but OH just goes to another level.

The simple question was y didnt he just bring him up to me? I was rite upstairs. If i wasnt in then fair enough, child proof the downstairs but i was and he brings him up every other day. Its not too much to ask is it??

BonniePrinceBilly Thu 05-Aug-10 12:40:26

I'm a woman you nobber, although I do know how to use a screwdriver.

And if you were looking for "nice support" to be a sexist nag, then Bounty is ----->

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 12:40:53

This does remind me of the helicopter parenting/henhouse thread

But OP, yes - the issue actually sounds more about financing for these things. Why don't you have money? Don't you have a joint account for house things or similar?

traceybath Thu 05-Aug-10 12:41:01

Oh dear - you've reached the 'angry' stage of your pregnancy - I had that too grin

But you know - I frequently leave ds2 who is 2.5 downstairs whilst I have a bath. He normally wanders up to chat to me though but he is a very easy going/unadventurous child.

I think you need to get your finances sorted out with your DH so you're not paying for everything and you can get some more stair gates.

And perhaps just ask him to sort the draws out if you don't want too.

Good luck smile

I did lol at Seeker and MIFlaw.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:41:02

nancy10 Im at work so my mother is at home with my DS. albeit not doing much work but im having a boring day.

MmeLindt Thu 05-Aug-10 12:41:35

I agree that he should have brought your DS upstairs. That was this morning.

You have to sort things out for every other morning.

And you have to take a step back and stop "protecting" your DS from his father.

It is hard, I know my DH lets the DC do more than I would allow them to do but I have to bite my tongue.

LOL, I leave my 3yr old with severe ASD AND my 20month old downstairs on their own whilst I have a shower.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 12:42:50

It is if your partner thinks he was safe downstairs. I don't think leaving a 2.5 year old downstairs is a huge issue. You just need to child-proof your kitchen which also isn't a huge deal. Do it together on the weekend.

You need to start communicating with one another properly or this one issue will destroy your relationship.

You shouldn't need to step in to care for your child. You should be doing it as a team.

Casmama Thu 05-Aug-10 12:44:36

I think that you should post in relationships instead. It sounds like your relationship is making both of you unhappy and this cannot be of benefit to your ds regardless of stairgates or locks or any of the rest of it. I don't think this is the source of your unhappiness and as such you will be constantly feeling that you are trying to justify yourself on this thread so that everyone knows quite how hard done by you are.
You need to talk to your dp and let him tell you how he feels too. Bitching to your mum and allowing her to get you even more wound up will not help anyone.

Oblomov Thu 05-Aug-10 12:44:53

I think we better stop ladies. Op can not see that she is being irrational and unreasonable. no good trying to convert the unconvertable.

YellowDaffodil Thu 05-Aug-10 12:45:18

YABU - for what its worth my DD could open the stairgates at that age - and ours were 2 different makes so no point replacing them with a different brand.

I leave DD while I have a shower, DH is away a lot and I like to have a shower before work. This has been happening since she has been in a bed, prior to that she would play in her cot. I am not neglectful by the way.

Just out of curiosity whilst you are upstairs for a couple of minutes doing your makeup would you hear your DS drinking bleach? Seriously is your hearing that good? To be honest I would consider a shower a more reasonable excuse for leaving a child than putting on my face - but thats just me.

As for him not putting the cupboard locks on - do it yourself. DH asked me to sow a button back on one of his shirts last week, I haven't done it yet and if I don't get round to it he'll just take it to the dry cleaners to get it done. He won't go on the Internet and slag me off and suggest that I am in fact a man because I am thoughtless!

MajorPettigrew Thu 05-Aug-10 12:45:35

It doesn't matter that you were there or not.

Child proof your downstairs - stop whining about who's responsibility it is. You are a grown woman, so get off the computer and go and do it yourself.
Clearly your DP doesn't think it needs to be done, but as YOU do, then you flipping well do it.

How exactly are you going to let your DP 'learn' how to be a responsible parent if this is your reaction to (mostly) sensible people?

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 12:45:56

Do you have anxiety issues? You sound unreasonably stressed about an issue which isn't that hard to fix practically.

Sidge Thu 05-Aug-10 12:47:36

Well if you don't like it then either:

1. Get up yourself and watch DS

2. Babyproof the downstairs of your house. No doubt there will come a time when you are alone in the house with DS and a new baby and won't be able to watch him that closely.

3. Ask your DH to take DS into the bathroom with him.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:48:18

lol at traceybath, yes i do think there are some hormones in there exaggertaing the crime a little but its just an ongoing issue.

the whole trapped fingers issue occured when my OH was asked to spend just ten minutes one on one attention with DS as he doesnt ever 'play' as such with him and i wanted them to have some play time yet he couldnt hold his concentration long enough before reading a CD case and letting DS entertain himself (which is fine!) but on this occasion i just wanted him to give DS ten minuted of attention without doing other things.

i think its all the little things that have happened which no one knows about that have all mounted up to cause one big issue. and my point isnt coming across very well on here as no one knows the past and it would take too long to explain it!

Just want OH to be more attentative with DS thats all,is that too much to ask?

I have other people i can get to do the draws etc but in my time with Ds i have never needed this safety net as i dont leave him alone unless i can hear what he's doing.
if my OH wants to have a longer reigns with Ds then shouldnt he have figured out himself that he needs extra baby proofing or do i need to do all the thinking for him?

loler Thu 05-Aug-10 12:48:32

I have a 2 yr old - he entertains himself around the house all the time - when I'm doing washing etc. We've got one cupboard that is out of reach that has all the chemicals in. Never had stairgates in this house as DD fell downstairs onto one after climbing over the one at the top of the stairs in our old house and I think they can be more dangerous than having nothing. So to childproof this house has been cost free and pretty easy.

I would agree with everyone on this thread that you need to have a good talk with the OH - meeting in the middle on subjects is an ongoing thing when you have dc, it gets worse as they get older and you have more dc. Learn how to really talk now - it will help in the future!

Good luck with dc2.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 12:48:49

shower at night is nigh on impossible when you have light sleepers.

You really are deluded arnt you?

Christ, you can tell its the school holidays.

Sort ursen owt n strt talkin propa like den u mite get a better reponse no wot a mean?

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:55:19

What on earth was that about knickers0nmyhead?? my DS is a very light sleeper and i manage just fine having a shower when he's in bed!

Im actually at work, im 24 and work full time and have done since i finished university last year if the school holidays comment was trying to refer to me as being young, sorry for not wanting to typer every single word out, how behind with times are u? fyi i havent actually used the abreviations den and 'n' so please get it rite before u bitch. what do i need to spell everything out now for you to be able to read??

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 12:56:42

and i dont actually shower at nite very often as i somehow manage to shower in the morning without leaving my 2 yr old downstairs on his own. look at that.

oooh handbags

FYI MNers are not particularly fond of txtspk and infers LOTS about a poster who uses it

Oh, and I've got four words of advice for you:

righty tighty, lefty loosey


BuzzingNoise Thu 05-Aug-10 12:58:55

your local children's centre can give you free cupboard and drawer locks. My one even lends out stairgates for next-to-nothing, so it's worth asking them.

LoveMyGirls Thu 05-Aug-10 12:59:44

"but unless i spend 50 odd quid on babyproofing then the situation is still going to be the same is it not? I can do all the moving bleach etc around but i do not have the money to be buying stairgates/cuboard clips etc when as selfish as this sounds, its not me who needs them"

You really think it's not worth spending £50 to help protect your son from danger? Why not ask your dh to purchase safety stuff if you don't have the funds? Not that I think it would cost £50 as you can get a kit from poundland and a stairgate for around £20 and ask your dh to watch ds while you move things in the cupboards around.

Your money situ is messed up imho but that's up to you and your DH. Personally we have a joint bank account and share everything, our home, our children, our time, our family/ friends and money as imho that is what being a family is about and this is where you are fundamentally floored on top of having communication issues.

Yummy I laughed at your OP, but actually I think you've been treated quite harshly. You in return have said some silly things that haven't done you any favours, but I think you do have a genuine problem that is causing you grief and stress and I think you need to think about how to deal with it without blame.

Your OH does not parent to your standards. This is a problem you have to talk about. Your standards are not 'right' they are your perception of what is right. All parents make mistakes too, but your OH will get worse in his parenting if you erode his self-esteem and criticise his judgements.

He may be lazy, he may be daft, but I am assuming he loves your child as much as you do and would not wish him any harm. He needs to experience for himself leaving the room for 2 minutes to find your ds having removed his nappy and weed on the carpet for him to clear up. He needs to experience for himself forgetting to pack his water on a trip out and needing to inconveniently pop to the supermarket to buy another cup, or be creative with a bottle. These are skills he needs to learn and you have to let him, and trust him, otherwise you will never ever get a break and you'll burn out.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 13:02:21

Text speak is discouraged because a number of MN are dyslexic who find it difficult to read. Several others are partially sighted and depend on programs which read but those programs can't process text speak. So, yes, you do need to spell everything out for many MN to read it properly.

Honestly, you sound completely wound up about what is only an issue to you.

Headbanger Thu 05-Aug-10 13:03:41

BoysAre grin

I always say "right is tight, left is loose". But I prefer your version.

OP I think people are responding negatively partly because of your delorable 'writing' style, which is perhaps unfair(perhaps you could try NetMums? <mischievous>), but also because you are so defensive & aggressive towards anything that's not a pat on the head...

It seems to me that you need to look deeper than cupboards and showers. Your relationship is plainly hopelessly imbalanced: I have never in my life heard of a mother allocating her partner precisely ten minutes in which he must interact with his child. No-one, not the most involved and saintly of fathers, is going to respond positively to that sort of treatment.

Can't remember who suggested Relate, but I do think you should consider going...

And sod pregnancy hormones: it's not an accuse for being a shrewish auld harridan.

Headbanger Thu 05-Aug-10 13:05:46

Stewie I hadn't thought of that (re. dyslexic or partially sighted MNers). Much better reason for the Queen's English than my pedantry I must say! grin

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:05:53

we have our own money, i spend mine he spends his. nothing wrong with that its just until we are settled (we r emmigrating next year) we dont feel the need to share bank accounts etc.

stairgates will cost 15 each and we need 2, then theres the cuboard+draw clips, we tried buying cheap poundland ones but they just dont work.

I am taking advise from people on here btw, the only reason i made comments back is after people started offending me as a person when i dont really see how this will help knowing im a moaning hag etc??
I plan to buy stairgates, will have to pay for them myself as oh wont pay so another expense for me when im already buying all of the baby's things and trying to save for emmigrating next year. i just dont c y i should do all of the thinking in our family, y couldnt he have thought 'we need a stairgate on the kitchen honey' and gone and bought one?? y do the women do all the thinking?

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 13:07:38 actually, it was nothing to do with your age. Text speak on a forum is just vile. I use my phone and still manage to type correctly, so yes, you should do it properly.

My kids have free reign of the house, bar the kitchen. So if they are downstairs whilst I get a shower, then so what. Ds is not even two and he can climb the stairs and come back down.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 13:07:42 actually, it was nothing to do with your age. Text speak on a forum is just vile. I use my phone and still manage to type correctly, so yes, you should do it properly.

My kids have free reign of the house, bar the kitchen. So if they are downstairs whilst I get a shower, then so what. Ds is not even two and he can climb the stairs and come back down.

OrmRenewed Thu 05-Aug-10 13:08:48

I tend to agree with starlight. Feeling sorry for yummy now.

But yummy, there is no one right way of parenting. Your DH's method may be different from yours it isn't wrong. And as he is your son's parent too you have to trust him. Accidents happen and most of them don't cause major injuries - and it is a way for a child to learn.

Casmama Thu 05-Aug-10 13:09:11

"We don't feel the need to share bank accounts"
"I will have to pay for them myself as oh won't pay so another expense for me when I'm already buying all of the baby's things"

You are contradicting yourself.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 13:11:51

Why are you paying for all of your child's expenses yourself? To me that is far more problematic than the issue you raised.

In an equal relationship, both parents do the thinking and buying for children together. If you are doing this all yourself, then you nee to think properly about your relationship. I suggested relate further up the thread and I really do think this is an option you need to consider because, from what you have posted here, your relationship is not healthy.

'y do the women do all the thinking?'

Ah well you have a point there. My dh says it is because whenever he thinks something or does something himself it is always wrong. Perhaps that is why.

If he bought a stairgate would you criticise it for being the wrong one, too expensive, big, heavy, flimsy, fixed wrong, in the wrong place, wrong colour!?

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:13:09

StewieGriffinsMom but its ok to use the whole mumsnet abreviations then - like OH/MN/DS etc?? so there are now rules by which i have to type in order to not have you guys jumping down my throats?? thats bizzare.

I will type how i like, dont c what that has to do with me other than im 24 and thats how we grew up typing, just like the 18 yr olds now who use terms like 'dem' meaning 'them' etc. u dont need to stereotype from the way people type.

why do people take things so literally, i didnt 'allocate' ten minutes for my OH to interact with Ds, i was cooking dinner and so tried to encourage him to have one on one time by saying 'y dont u take him to ur van for ten minutes?' as i know he loves daddys van. jees. i didnt say 'u have ten minutes to go and socialise with ur son and dont come back until its completed'

i totally agree im OTT and need to tone down so a little unreasonable but he is also unreasonable and needs to tone it UP a little.

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 13:13:39

"The simple question was y didnt he just bring him up to me? I was rite upstairs." Maybe because he thought a child who, in some countries, would by now be in compulsory education, was old enough to be left alone for five minutes and trusted not to drink bleach while simultaneously circumcising himself with the Kitchen Devil.

You might not agree but that does not make him wrong.

and, if you use them, then stair gates, locks etc are not for your or your husband's benefit. They are for your child's benefit.

If your husband really won't chip in and that is the sticking point then add the money on to something else that you buy on behalf of both of you (a bill payment, an online shop, a holiday) - he's not going to notice fifty quid in that context (not that they cost that much in Argos) and it will save all this pissing about.

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 13:15:03

"y do the women do all the thinking?"



YellowDaffodil Thu 05-Aug-10 13:15:41

"Why do the women do all the thinking?"

In most relationships they don't OP - I can't tell if its just your OH you don't like or men in general?

If you are unhappy then he probably is too and him leaving your DS for a couple of minutes while he has a shower is the least of your problems. You don't want to hear that though do you?

The reasons for not using text speak have been spelt out for you but you are still doing it, looks like your OH isn't the only one who doesn't think about others.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:16:17

No StarlightMcKenzie i would be so amazed he actually went and bought something himself to baby proof the home that i wouldnt care what colour/shape/size it was!

Im just generally tired of having to step in, and u say i shudnt so does that mean i shud watch my son hurt himself rather than step in and prevent it from happening?

Im not sure if i could do that?

ugh yes indeed Yellow

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:18:01

MIFLAW piss off and grow up.

Your opinion is not wanted in MY thread!

I think your imagination is a bit overactive wrt what he can do to hurt himself if I'm honest. You can't be there to protect your child from everything all the time. You can just limit and minimise to get the balance of probabilities on your side.

It is all a balance. Personally I would think that a good relationship with his dad is worth a small increase in the risk of danger that you would not allow when you were with him. Emotional safety and security is important too.

LadyBiscuit Thu 05-Aug-10 13:19:30

I see this discussion has moved on but YABU

oi oi OP

you really can't dictate who posts where if you don't mind

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 13:20:25

:StewieGriffinsMom but its ok to use the whole mumsnet abreviations then - like OH/MN/DS etc?? so there are now rules by which i have to type in order to not have you guys jumping down my throats?? thats bizzare.

I will type how i like, dont c what that has to do with me other than im 24 and thats how we grew up typing, just like the 18 yr olds now who use terms like 'dem' meaning 'them' etc. u dont need to stereotype from the way people type."

No one is stereotyping you and there are many members of MN who are much younger than you but, more importantly, asking you to type out properly so that other people who have disabilities can participate too is simply about respect for others. If you believe your right to type text speak is more important than other peoples' inability to read text speak then go ahead but it will change how people perceive you and you will be judged for not considering the needs of others.

If you think both of you are being unreasonable, then get an appointment with relate to learn how to speak to another whilst listening to each other.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:20:32

No one has answered the Q regarding being 'allowed' to use MN abreviations but not txt abreviations?? how does that work?

how is it ok to write 'my OH' and 'MN' but not 'how r u' etc?

the way i type has fall to do with this subject. i cant believe this is being flagged up. get with the times people

unfitmother Thu 05-Aug-10 13:20:52


It sounds as if you both neeed to grow up. Your attitude is unbelievable, you asked for an opinion but only want one that agrees with yours i.e. misandry.

Please keep text speak for text messages.

YellowDaffodil Thu 05-Aug-10 13:20:58

MY thread - do you take that attitude with OH?
Poor chap - it may be that he needs to pull his socks up but if you really believe he is a danger to your DS get rid and organise supervised access!

OrmRenewed Thu 05-Aug-10 13:21:33

"so does that mean i shud watch my son hurt himself rather than step in and prevent it from happening"

Yes. As long as there are boundaries and his environment is safe, that is the best thing to do. I'm not advising him juggling with knives obviously or drinking bleach cocktail grin. There are horrendous accidents that result in major injuries or death, but they are in the minority. Most accident result in a bump, a few tears and a bruise that lasts a few days and hopefully a lesson learned (by the child that is not DH!) That is why you need to make your home a little safer, not so DH can be lazy, just so that all of you can relax and let your son begin to learn for himself.

BonniePrinceBilly Thu 05-Aug-10 13:21:47

Perhaps if you let him do some thinking for himself he might be quite good at it, but from the sounds of it you have never allowed him any active parenting role. Big surprise then he's not very good at it.

And if you stopped contradicting yourself completely you might get better responses. So far you don't have any locks, you have them but haven't fitted them, you had them and they broke, or you can't afford them. Which is it? Can't all be true.

And writing "dem" and "rite" and so on just makes you look like a moron that can't spell.

You see Yummy It isn't your predicament that is causing people to react against you so strongly. It is your attitude.

Your predicament is a real problem and sad, and causing you anxiety I can see. It is also a problem with solutions.

Those potential solutions will not be forthcoming if you alienate the people trying to help.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 13:22:52

Again, nothing to do with your age! The reasons have already been outlined.

And dont say I am stereotyping you because of it, because I am YOUNGER than you, and grew up with text speak, but now I am an adult, who think of others whilst on an ADULT forum.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 13:22:54

Again, nothing to do with your age! The reasons have already been outlined.

And dont say I am stereotyping you because of it, because I am YOUNGER than you, and grew up with text speak, but now I am an adult, who think of others whilst on an ADULT forum.

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 13:24:07

"grow up"?

You are on here, suggesting that only boys can use screwdrivers and only girls can think about children, and you have the tmerity to say that I need to "grow up"? My daughter is the same age as your son - if, 10 years from now, she's still thinking along those lines, I'd be ashamed because I would feel it reflected badly on me as a parent. And you're 24 and a graduate? Bloody hell, what is actually wrong with you?

knickers you are making me laugh with your trigger finger on the post button grin

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 13:24:43

You can program some software to read things that aren't programmed in, however you can;t program in every possible permutation of text speak. If were with the times, you would know about this very modern piece of software.

However, since you seem not to care at all about real people who are dyslexic or partially sighted, I am going to assume that your immaturity is because of your age and won't lump with many of the very young mothers on MN who are capable of considering the needs of others.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:24:43

i havent once written "dem"

kickassangel Thu 05-Aug-10 13:25:50

what starlight said.

you need to resolve this, otherwise you won't last as a couple once the baby is here. you have to trust him with your ds, or you won't be able to look after the baby.

it sounds like generally you don't think he's involved enough - money, care, time etc. he thinks you expect too much.

there are various things you can do to sort this out, but you need to sort it our. there will be another baby here soon & it will be about 4 or 5 years from now before you can relax as parents & things get better. can your relationship survive 4 years of this?

btw, it is totally normal to feel like this - lots of people do, but it is not normal to allow it all to fester & develop - you have to lay the emotion aside & talk through it calmly. you prob both have some accusations against the other & will have hurtful things to say, but you have to learn how to put yourselves in the other's shoes, and then reach a compromise.

lifeas3plus1 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:26:03

For what it's worth, I'm 24 and know how to type properly.

See I was brought up knowing how to write properly. So age has nothing to do with it.

It's just laziness really.

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 13:26:13

Sorry - tEmerity.

Must stop using this text speak

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:26:37

95% of responders on here are being completely horrible and so i have no reason to want to change my writing style to suit other people. On every other thread i have contributed in this has never arrisen as a problem and so i think some people are just being picky pointing it out on here. I havent asked anyone to participate in this discussion so if the way i am typing offends you then feel free not to respond.

Casmama Thu 05-Aug-10 13:27:16

I think you have just come on here looking for an argument. If that is how you are generally then yes I feel sorry for your other half too.
Consider how you are going to cope if/when you do emigrate your relationship needs to be stronger with better communication if you are going to cope.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 13:27:47

BALD, it is this crap phone grin

Right, well I'm off then <hides thread>

unfitmother Thu 05-Aug-10 13:28:35

Wish I had OP's job.wink

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 13:30:03

Yummy when you join a community it is customary to observe usual practice in methods of communication etc.

It's been outlined why txtspeak is unwelcome on MN, so it is quite rude of you to continue.

Also <sigh< it is not YOUR thread. It is a thread you have started on a public forum where any registered member can make whatever response they like (as long as they use correct spelling and grammar).

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 13:30:16

"I havent asked anyone to participate in this discussion"

"Whats everyones opinion on this one"


knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 13:30:37

great isnt it unfit. Spending an entire day on the net wink

YellowDaffodil Thu 05-Aug-10 13:30:39

We aren't being horrible if we think YABU, just honest.

You have been given some good advice but you seem to choose to ignore it and focus on the negative.

You are pregnant and apparently unhappy - you need to talk to your OH and if he is truely incapable of helping you to raise your children (there may be more to this than you are saying) then you need to seriously consider your options.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 13:30:51

See, the fact that you think people are being horrible to you is a problem. People are disagreeing with you. They aren't being mean. You need to learn to differentiate between the two.

As for text speak, if no one has mentioned it might be because they are too polite to pull you up on something which is considered good manners. Very few message boards actually use text speak.

tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 05-Aug-10 13:35:16

Oh, dear.

Look. You're saddled with a man who doesn't do any one-on-one care with his son, doesn't pay for any of the child's expenses despite earning more than you, and would rather sit on the computer/watch TV than spend time reading a book to his child.

But on the other hand, you're locked in a cycle of resentment that means you would rather score points than spend money of your own determining your child's safety, you pick up on every single thing your partner does wrong, and far more importantly

why the sodding hell are you having a second child with someone whose parenting you loathe? Seriously, come on. You "don't feel the need to combine bank accounts" but you keenly resent every penny that you spend and he doesn't. You don't feel the need to childproof, but keenly resent that he doesn't. You want him to pull his finger out because you're heavily pregnant, but your OP is based on complaining that he didn't give you the son to look after while he showered - has it occurred to you, you ridiculous woman, that he did it that way precisely because he was trying to give you a rest?

And your attitude to posters here is exactly the same. You want advice, sympathy, points of view, but only from the people you choose and only if their views accord with your sense of What Is Appropriate.

Here's a tip. You are not, in fact, in charge of the world. Grow up.

maduggar Thu 05-Aug-10 13:37:32

I leave my 2 year odl downstairs while I shower or else Id not get one! I leave the bathroom door open, and he generally follows me in anyway.

BonniePrinceBilly Thu 05-Aug-10 13:39:36

Posting on an open forum is in fact asking for people to participate in a discussion. What did you think it was, installation art?

I'd like to know what poly university you graduated from so I can avoid it in future.

kickassangel Thu 05-Aug-10 13:39:55

1/2 tortoise - what you said in bold is exactly what i was thinking, but didn't dare say.

i note that the op ignored my earlier post. i have some sympathy & she's clearly unhappy, but she's also ignoring anyone who doesn't just say 'oh poor you, you're right'

let's put it down to pregnancy hormones & move on.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:39:59

Thank you kickassangel for actually responding in a sensible way to my conerns raised.

Sorry, it must be down to the fact i have a maths degree and not an english one and therefore cannot spell correctly.

Moving on, we do have lots of issues raised since DS was born - biggest one being our huge difference in parenting. I really do want to learn to be as laxi-daisy as him but cant make myself let go!

i think maybe i should take it one step at a time, trying to bite my tongue along the way when i would usually step in and take over from OH. you;re rite, i have never let him learn all those mistakes that i got to learn so early on and this is what needs to happen its just holding myself back long enough for them to occur! Its hard work!

My DS does know how to get up and down the stairs, has done for months but after i watched him roll down the stairs from mid way last month its scared me a little and i dont want it happening again as i think i was more upset than him!

I know they all need to have these accidents happen to learn from mistakes but its still hard watching them happen knowing you could have prevented them.

I do feel maybe i reacted a bit ott thismorning on OH and plan to try make an effort to let him control things now and then without stepping in like i usually do. it must make him feel absolutely useless i know, im not completely stupid even if some of u think i am smile we hav just gotten into a rut and need help getting back on track.

think some of you have been quite harsh but i turned a blind eye to the silly comments and have read into the others and can see how i was being (slightly!) unreasonable but still, we really need to stairgate the kitchen and top of stairs. maybe then ill be able to let go a bit more and OH will start learning for himself.

kickassangel Thu 05-Aug-10 13:41:58

sorry, x-post, but you do need to stand back, take a deep breath & sort this out. you will go mad if you don't & ruin a potentially happy family.

LilRedWG Thu 05-Aug-10 13:43:25

Y'know, I think it's good that the OP has her DS wrapped up in so much cotton wool - it'll come in useful for changing nappies when the baby is born.

Seriously though, I really think that you need to think realistically about how you are going to cope with a toddler and a baby.

proudnsad Thu 05-Aug-10 13:43:41

OP you are coming across as a nightmare...largely because YOU DO NOT LISTEN!

I'll answer your question about mumsnet apprieviations and textspeak.

1)It's a snooty thing, yes it's true everyone so don't deny it

2)It's actually very hard to read - no caps, puncuation, odd spellings

3)It's cringey

4)It's irritating

OrmRenewed Thu 05-Aug-10 13:43:43

Good! smileSounds like a plan.

FWIW I think some of us have been a bit harsh but I'm afraid MN can be like that.

Yummy. Why don't you research the stairgate online, reserve it at, say Argos, and ask your OH to take your ds out to pick it up tonight (and pay for it).

You'll prepare a nice but quick tea for them for when they get in, whilst you listen to the radio.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:45:20

'you ridiculous woman'

' You are not, in fact, in charge of the world. Grow up'

'I'd like to know what poly university you graduated from so I can avoid it in future. '

Just a few comments selected from this page let alone the other 8 but u say 'People are disagreeing with you. They aren't being mean. You need to learn to differentiate between the two.'

Please, educate away as id love to know how this isnt 'being mean'

proudnsad Thu 05-Aug-10 13:46:27

punctuation blush

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 13:47:03

Would you like me to cut and paste all the rude things you have said to people before people got rude with you?

Yummy. Do you want help and opinions, or just an argument?

YellowDaffodil Thu 05-Aug-10 13:48:43

OP - You have made some less than pleasant comments yourself to be fair.

Why don't you pick out the good advice and focus on that?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 13:49:04

No-one was being mean, until you started getting all irate about the fact that no-one was agreeing with you, and refusing to alter you typing so that everyone can read it properly.
And now you are using it as justification for getting even further on your high horse.

Honestly - if this is the way you go through life no wonder your DP says 'here she goes again'.

SixtyFootDoll Thu 05-Aug-10 13:49:05

Hilarious thread.
I like a a good bun fight with my lunch,

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:49:08

That sounds like a good plan StarlightMcKenzie but OH has no money until payday mid month so he will just moan and say he hasnt got money to pay for it, plus he thinks theyr a waste of time anyway so trying to get him to spend his last £20 on something he thinks useless will be hard.

Ill just have to buy it myself and like someone else suggested have him pay more towards another necessity that he agrees with.

I was just popping onto babies r us actually to see what they have on there!

'Y'know, I think it's good that the OP has her DS wrapped up in so much cotton wool - it'll come in useful for changing nappies when the baby is born.' - How is this useful?

My child is nowhere near wrapped in cotton wool.

lenak Thu 05-Aug-10 13:49:30

Haven't read the entire thread, just the first couple and last couple of pages, but think the OP is being a little BU.

It really does depend on the child though - I have been able to leave my DD downstairs on her own while I had a quick shower since she was about 18 months old - but then she has always had a very high level of comprehension and does what she is told.

Obviously I started off with much shorter times and built up, but as long as I made it VERY clear where I was going, that she was not allowed to climb the stairs and that she had to call me if she needed anything, she was fine.

Since we removed the stairgate at the top of the stairs when she was 2.5, she's been allowed to come up and down the stairs on her own if we were upstairs and she was down too.

But as I said, she has excellent comprehension and is very very good - on the other hand, if she was like her cousin she still wouldn't be allowed out of my sight confused

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:51:31

if u re-read thru u will see that i only started getting 'all irate' after people started insulting.

Do you think i should have just sat back and took all the abusive comments then? How would any 'normal' 'non irate' person hav responded??

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 13:52:30

laxi-daisy? hmm

Maybe he's not as clenched as you are, and happy to let his 2.5yo son walk up and down the stair by himself!

If your DS is so used to you hovering over him in case he bumps himself, what's he going to think when the new baby comes along and you're not able to do this?

OrmRenewed Thu 05-Aug-10 13:52:52

Oh I give up. I was trying to be nice.

Blahrahrah Thu 05-Aug-10 13:53:13

I have read to the end so far and ~I would just like to say well done to the OP. You came on here and got a pasting, and yet you still came back and took on board peoples comments and have now made a plan to try and change things. When something is going wrong all you CAN do is try to change and you have made steps toward that so well done.

It is hard letting the kids make mistakes and it is infuriating when you have, for example, done a zillion nappy changes so have a 'way' of doing it that works best/causes least upset and then your DH wades in and does it differently and you just want to jump in and shout NO do it this way then this will/wont happen etc etc. But he is a parent too and will develop his own style and way of parenting. As parents it is possible to have different ways and still have a happy healthy relationship between both you two and you and your children.

Good luck and I hope you and your family have harmonious times ahead. Good Luck with the birth.

nelix2000 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:53:33

YABU.....very....I leave my 3.5 yr old and my 14 month old downstairs whislt I pop for a shower. Maybe a second baby will help you....."chillax" since you seem to understand that lingo.

Now,for a university graduate, you cannot spell for toffee.....its a DRAWER not "draw".....I never ever post on AIBU but this irritated me no end. Good day.

IMoveTheStars Thu 05-Aug-10 13:54:11

No Yummy, you started getting irate when the vast majority said YABU.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 13:55:24

I wouldn't buy stair gates for 2.5 year old. He should be capable of navigating them himself. And, yes i did read the bit where he fell. It happens but you can't buy gates for everything he could hurt himself on. He will have learned from the fall and won't do it again.

Just move the bleach.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 13:55:27

Jareth - I know, like nails down a blackboard that one.

Look Yummy. Clearly you think that you are Right In All Things. So here we are.

Your DP is an idiot and a crap parent
We are all nasty women (or maybe men in disguise)
You are quite right that txtspeak is the future and we old fuddy-duddys should stop typing in proper sentences.

Blahrahrah Thu 05-Aug-10 13:56:17

(when I say she had made a plan I was ignoring all the other argy bargy going on but she HAS made one! )

milliemoosmum Thu 05-Aug-10 13:57:44

Nor read all the posts but you NEED to childproof your house better. You say you go upstairs to do your make-up - it would only take a minute for your DS to cut himself on a knife in the kitchen/open the front door etc.
I would also remind DP about shutting gates etc - he loves his child but everyone makes mistakes which is exactly why you should have your house as safe as possible. You could also leave a gate open one day by mistake - it happens to the best of us. Believe me when you have two kids you will not be able to watch DS like a hawk like you have been doing so far.
DP should be contributing to the things you need for DS which is, perhaps, a seperate issue but there are always safety gates going on Freecycle and cupblocks are very inexpensive so there's no excuse really.

nancy10 Thu 05-Aug-10 13:57:45

yummymummy like your OH we are in a no win situation, people have responded to your issue and you don't like the fact that the majority disagree. Sensible suggestions have been made. Ok. so you can't afford a stair gate, how about just closing the door, to the 'danger zones.' You can even put a lock on the door. You have put yourself in this situation, by argueing constantly with what everyone has said. Get some common sense!!!!!

Oblomov Thu 05-Aug-10 14:00:22

Only 95 % being horrible ? Are you sure its not 99% ?
so everyone is being horrible to you. no one offering words of comfort at all. well thats not true. wasn't it stewie who wrote something really nice. you've had lots of valid suggestions.

but even if that is the case. then i think you need to have a look at that. 95% of a varied population, some of sahm's some of us working, some of us young, some of us older. we are ALL telling you YABU. oh so its not us then. not the 95%. it must be you. its you who is being hard done to.

yeah right. rock on. open your eyes lovey.

SixtyFootDoll Thu 05-Aug-10 14:01:19

Agree with Nancy.
Why did you ask if you were being unreasonable as you clearly dont think you are?

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 14:04:48

nancy10 - our DS can open every door in our house.

I am getting no sense out of people on here. i really did think this was a useful helpful place to air concerns but have just been jumped on and trampled to death over an issue i wanted to discuss.

people have just turned things around and blamed me for getting irate when i never did until people started with the bad mouthing comments sayinf i feel sorry for ur OH!! - y say it this way? some of you have been lovely - very few may i add - and thank you for your suggestions but i shall think twice before putting anything else on this site as its mostly full of unhelpful people looking to insult or upset the person needing advice.

totally uncalled for from most of you.

"do i need to spell everything out now for you to be able to read?? "

Nothing to add to the thread - it has all been said - but can this bewilderment at the medium of written language be quote of the week, or would that be mean?

milliemoosmum Thu 05-Aug-10 14:05:46

I obviously meant cupboard.
Like someone else said you could screw a slide lock on the kitchen door for when one of you has to leave DS. Very cheap and easy to do - even a little lady like me could do it lol.

BonniePrinceBilly Thu 05-Aug-10 14:06:03

I was being mean, but you deserve it. And I notice you didn't answer when I pointed out about the lies contradictions evident in your posts?

Oblomov Thu 05-Aug-10 14:06:19

troll ?

or atleast not listening.

why are we bothering. let Op go. it is pointless.

milliemoosmum Thu 05-Aug-10 14:06:55


knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 14:06:58

yummy, if your ds was learning to ride a bike and fell off it, would you take it off him?

Doubtful, so why stop letting him go up the stairs because he fell down them?

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 14:07:07

yummy, if your ds was learning to ride a bike and fell off it, would you take it off him?

Doubtful, so why stop letting him go up the stairs because he fell down them?

grapeandlemon Thu 05-Aug-10 14:07:08

Gosh you sound absolutely awful. Your poor Partner.

YellowDaffodil Thu 05-Aug-10 14:07:09

Yummy - has your DS ever been hurt (apart from the window incident) when he is with your OH on his own?

Casmama Thu 05-Aug-10 14:07:44

I have already suggested this but will try again.
Why not post on relationships - you are more likely to get constructive advice and if you don't insult others it is unlikely that you will be insulted either. AIBU is always a risky place to post if you are looking for constructive advice.

redskyatnight Thu 05-Aug-10 14:08:47

No one has picked up on the fact that "hes been taking over morning duties of late due to me being 7 month pregnant". So in the mornings when he is not mindlessly having showers presumably he is doing some of: getting DS up/ changing nappy/ dressing him / getting breakfast/ entertaining him.

All of which sounds pretty good to me.

There is a book called "Babyville" by Jane Green where the DH gets up early so his very tired wife can have a break. She then lies awake silently cursing him because he's not doing things the way SHE wanted and assuming he must have got everything wrong. When in reality DH is getting on with stuff in his own way and has managed to do nothing worse than spill a bit of yogurt.

This reminds me a lot of that.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 14:08:55

SixtyFootDoll read up. I already admitted i may be a little unreasonable.

iv watched mumsnetters do this on a few threads now, they like to 'gang' up on people. if they feel they are on the majority's side they just bully to the death.
quite sad actually as most of u guys are mums and should know better than to bully people.

I am entitled to my opinion, y am i called lots of horrible names becos of mine??

10 pages in and all I'm wondering is why on earth do so many people think a 2.5 year old needs stairgates? Let alone all over the house. He's 2.5 for goodness sake, not 1. Time to start teaching him how to be careful with stuff, how can he learn if he has no freedom?

Yes, you'll need a gate at the top of the stairs for the baby when it starts crawling (why on earth didn't you have one already, despite your obvious vigilence?). You don't need to buy a new one, take the one from your son's bedroom, job done. You don't need one on the kitchen, just move anything dangerous higher up.

You say you don't over-protect your child... I'm thinking that maybe you need to reconsider that.

porcamiseria Thu 05-Aug-10 14:09:47

oh dear

anyone that uses text speak tends to get flamed

even if they are SO NOT BU, they get flamed

tis a trend I have noticed a few times

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 14:10:35

why not turn the handles round so they open upwards then if he can open doors?

You seem to have an excuse for everything. You must know you are being unreasonable.

I have some superglue and duct tape if you want to have ds at your side.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 14:10:50

U r totally rite redskyatnight i do lie upstairs awake thinking he is doing everything wrong - i want to learn how to stop myself doing this which is why partly i posted on here.

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 14:11:50

"Ill just have to buy it myself and like someone else suggested have him pay more towards another necessity that he agrees with."

That was me, around the time you told me I was surplus to requirements.

LadyBiscuit Thu 05-Aug-10 14:12:26

I had cupboard locks shaped like Us that clipped together - you can buy them in the pound shop. I tied my drawers together with a piece of string with a double knot in it. You don't have to be able to do DIY if you think your under 3 year old is going to stab himself or drink a bottle of bleach when you're having a shower.

I am a single parent and take a shower every single morning and have done since my DS was born. When he was a baby, I put him in his bouncy chair but I've left him alone since he was about 2 - I just tell him what I'm doing.

2plus2more Thu 05-Aug-10 14:12:42


This has cheered me up no end - your language/spelling is hilarious OP - Draw, Earsight & Laxi-Daisy being my personal favourites!

In response to your original post - YES - you are being very unreasonable. However, as you clearly only want responses from people who agree with you and will pat you on the head and nod sympathetically while you moan about your completely incompetant partner, there's not much point in me saying that is there!

Oh, and one last thing - a message for Mr.OP - if you are ever given permission to use the computer - I hope you read Your other half's thread (it is HER thread you understand!) and see just how unreasonable we all think she is. Dear love you man!

If you find yourself thinking he is doing stuff wrong, then maybe find something to do to distract yourself? Eg a book, music, a chore etc?

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 14:13:03

Ok then, you are over-anxious. Have you always been anxious or this just been since pregnancy? Did you have PND?

Can i please once again recommend relate or another councillor to help you and your partner learn to communicate with one another without feeling resentful. It is not an easy skill.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 14:13:19

why not turn the handles round so they open upwards then if he can open doors?

You seem to have an excuse for everything. You must know you are being unreasonable.

I have some superglue and duct tape if you want to have ds at your side.

porcamiseria Thu 05-Aug-10 14:14:18

anyway, happy birthday for next Thursday!

I found the best thing was not to be in earshot when the boys were with dh at first.
I left him alone and let him get on with it, and I saw they boys were ok at the end of it, so it seemed like he was doing ok.
DH has found loads of ways to soothe, amuse and care for them that I wouldn't have thought of - they have benefited a great deal from his parenting style - it's very different to mine - he is much more lax and they do get more bumps and bruises, but no permanent damage.
2.5 is plenty old enough to learn about how to not fall over etc.

knickers, stop it would you!!! grin

nancy10 Thu 05-Aug-10 14:15:54

When my children were your sons age, we had nothing harmful in the bottom cupboards in the kitchen. Cleaning stuff, dangerous utensils etc were up high out of reach. It cost nothing! You can buy a lock to put high up on the door so he can't reach it, which would cost very little. You could lock the door in situations when you can't fully supervise your son. It's your home, he is your partner and child's father, you need to relax a bit. My dh and I don't always share the same views but no-one is perfect!

undercovamutha Thu 05-Aug-10 14:18:49

OP - I'm going to ignore all the YAN/BU stuff, and all the animosity, and give some advice.

The problem here is the relationship with you DP, NOT whether you have your house childproofed.

FWIW I am a bit of a control freak, and I am sometimes unfair to DH re. the parenting decisions he makes. This is MY problem, and I try my hardest not to do it. It is all to do with relinquishing control.

Unless you never want to have any freetime again, and you want your DS to have a crappy relationship with his father, then you MUST loosen the apron strings.

7m pg with DC2 is a tricky time. You are full of thoughts of how you will cope, and it is the worst time to feel like you are not supported by your DH. So LET HIM SUPPORT YOU! If you really have to point things out to him, do it nicely, discuss things together, or better still - shut up and let him have some control.

I realise it is a difficult situation, but it is a vicious circle. If you continue not to trust your DH, he will continue not to perform to your parenting standards. Take a step back, have a heart to heart with your DP, and get this sorted before DC2 arrives!!

nancy10 Thu 05-Aug-10 14:19:14

knickers I'm peeing myself, hold on while I go and change! she says scooping up 2 year --old,-- so not left unsupervised!

tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 05-Aug-10 14:19:42

I'm actually very envious of anyone who can leave their child downstairs while they shower. Mine wouldn't have a bar of it - if I nip upstairs to grab some shoes, all I hear is a plaintive "Mummy? Mmmmuuuuuuuummmmmmyyyyyyy" in a tone suggesting that the sentence should really end "...why have you abandoned me in this dark wood, at night, when you know I am blind and there are wolves?".

Anyway, I'll cop to calling you a ridiculous woman, but telling you that the world doesn't revolve around you and you need to grow up was actually good advice. In fact my entire post was good advice, and it would be a real shame if you ignored it because of the snarkiness.

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 14:23:25

all I hear is a plaintive "Mummy? Mmmmuuuuuuuummmmmmyyyyyyy" in a tone suggesting that the sentence should really end "...why have you abandoned me in this dark wood, at night, when you know I am blind and there are wolves?"

Mine did this. Then I told her very sternly not to do it unless something was actually wrong and, in general, she doesn't. (She does sometimes call me when I am in the shower. I arrive downstairs, dripping and cold, to find she has done some colouring she wants to show me.)

MajorPettigrew Thu 05-Aug-10 14:26:27

Okay - so now we might be getting somewhere.

Your worries about how to protect your child are getting in the way of your relationship with your DP.

Again, this was recommended MUCH earlier on, but maybe you should consider going to see a councillor either with your DP or on your own.

You need to be able to seperate your feelings that 'everyone else is doing it wrong' and what the practicalities of real life with 2 children are.

Sorry to be blunt, but you are going to have a very difficult time if you can't learn to do this. And besides, your 2 year old isn't a baby any more - just take the reasonable steps suggested to keep him out of harms way.

I'm sorry I can't give you any more practical advise than this as I don't suffer from such anxious feelings towards my DP /DC. But this will get worse if you don't learn to speak in a reasonable way to your DP.

MIFLAW, are you a bit 'ard?

I have discussed this with mine, but they do it anyway.

Needy blighters.

'I get scared on my own' from a five year old who is perfectly fine if he's run away to hide up a tree.


Don't get me wrong - I'm on the stricter side and they listen straight away to most stuff.

The beauty of the shower, though, surely, is being able to pretend not to hear them.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 14:26:37

Yes could i borrow that please knickers0nmyhead?

theQuibbler Thu 05-Aug-10 14:29:07

Oh dear, OP, maybe come back to the thread in a few hours and reread, for all the good advice. There's lots here!

And here's some more.

A Way Forward

There are some good links and articles that might just help you.

And just in case it hasn't come through clearly enough. LET your son's father parent his bloody son. He loves him, he's not going to let him come to serious harm. If you don't, you are ACTIVELY harming their relationship. And your own, come to that.

DreamTeamGirl Thu 05-Aug-10 14:34:45

"Mine did this. Then I told her very sternly not to do it unless something was actually wrong and, in general, she doesn't. (She does sometimes call me when I am in the shower. I arrive downstairs, dripping and cold, to find she has done some colouring she wants to show me.)" MIFLAW

I came out of shower to hearing wailing and crying, raced down dripping and worrying to hear him saying 'dont wowwy likkle car I take you to hopsital in my ambuwance' (sic) GRRRRR

YellowDaffodil Thu 05-Aug-10 14:35:54

Yummy - maybe you need to step back and look at why you are angry with OH. I doubt what you have said in your OP is the real reason or the whole story.

In your OP you said you were angry 'right now and generally' since you had DS. You must be bloody tired being angry and therefore unhappy all the time and on top of that you are pregnant. Try talking to someone, your midwife, GP maybe or a counsellor.

You are probably over-reacting to every little thing and so your OH is ignoring genuine concerns along with the petty ones. I probably wouuld in his situation tbh.

I'll ask again has your child ever been injured in OHs care other than the window incident?

DreamTeamGirl Thu 05-Aug-10 14:36:22

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 14:26:37
"Yes could i borrow that please knickers0nmyhead? "

Well done!! For laughing at yourself I almost forgive you for accusing me of neglect hmm

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 14:36:40

"The beauty of the shower, though, surely, is being able to pretend not to hear them."

Inside my 'ard exterior is an OP struggling to get out.

BuzzingNoise Thu 05-Aug-10 14:37:24

knickers, I could do with that duct tape to mend something actually so bring it over!

tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 05-Aug-10 14:37:50

MIFLAW, she's 20 months old and still suffering from separation anxiety. And for some reason* is not convinced that her father is a suitable substitute for me.

*Not the same reason as the OP. My husband does as much childcare as I do, we're both part time.

Oblomov Thu 05-Aug-10 14:40:42

I still feel really sorry for OP's OH. I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who thought i was such a twonk. Op needs to do the right thing and leave this poor man. let him find someone who loves him and values him.
Then Op can go for some counselling and get some help with her low self esteem issues.

This might help everyone.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 14:43:19

duct tape is in plenty supply here. I use i to keep nappies on, to tape both dcs to the wall whilst I shower, plus numerous other things!

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 14:45:21

Oh well. I guess shouting at kids can't work for everyone. There goes my challenge to Gina Ford's supremacy ... grin

omnishambles Thu 05-Aug-10 15:11:44

Thats what the OP needs knickers - with your duct tape you have just reminded me - one of those toddler wall chairs they have in some helpful swimming pools that you can strap them into while you get ready.

<looks very pleased with myself>

Bumpsadaisie Thu 05-Aug-10 15:22:34

Well, my DD is 14 months old, crawls up and downstairs on her own competently.

I go up to have a shower and if she doesn't follow me, she stays downstairs on her own!

I'd make it a quick shower and keep a sharp ear out. But I would leave her downstairs on her own. She has the run of the whole house now.


OutOutLetItAllOut Thu 05-Aug-10 15:25:28

kids need to learn, and so do parents.
can you honestly say that there has never been a time when you have looked at a situation with your son and thought, oh shit i really shouldnt have done that?
cause i cant. as parents we learn from our mistakes, and the only time you can really compain is if we dont learn.
your son came to no harm, so why are you harping on about what could have happened?
why not save the worry for when soemthing actually goes wrong?
your oh done nothing wrong other than doing something you wouldnt. but so what?
he is as much of your childs parent as you are.
and he is allowed to parent in his own way.
as you said he is getting up with your son so yu can get some rest, so he cant be all bad.
stop finding fault where the is none.

SixtyFootDoll Thu 05-Aug-10 15:39:37

What did I say?

OP you really are very precious...........
and I hate the phrase 'Yummy Mummy'

Its shite.

ljgibbs Thu 05-Aug-10 15:52:18

Thanks for the laugh OP. You really are a very self centered control freak aren't you. I'm another one that feels sorry for your DH

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 15:54:49

You are all very boring now. Zzzz.

I have discovered what a bunch of knob heads u lot on this forum actually are and will stick to the other ones that actully give constructive advice not a bunch of shite.

Thanks for entertaining my morning tho.

oh and i hate the phrase SixtyFootDoll. Its shite too.

you really are pathetic. lol

bye bye!!

omnishambles Thu 05-Aug-10 15:56:51

oh bye then..

door. arse. out. etc.

OrmRenewed Thu 05-Aug-10 15:57:03

Oh dear sad

I think I might flounce too as OP has ignored all my nice posts.

OutOutLetItAllOut Thu 05-Aug-10 15:57:30


piscesmoon Thu 05-Aug-10 16:02:35

Never risk posting on AIBU if you only want the general opinion to agree! OH is an equal parent-you have to let him do it his way-unless you could stand him telling you what to do. Make sure the house is safe and there isn't a problem.

SixtyFootDoll Thu 05-Aug-10 16:02:44


nancy10 Thu 05-Aug-10 16:03:52

You're off to find a nice forum that gives constructive advice. You are not looking for constructive advice, you are looking for people to agree with you!

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 16:04:02


Was that the door hitting you on the arse op? Fuckwit.

Oblomov Thu 05-Aug-10 16:08:22

Has she finally gone ?
Thank god for that. she was unstable, right? maybe contact her mw/hv and tell say that she'd not fit to have another child. only joking. just dreaming if what should be done.
She truely is mad.

abr1de Thu 05-Aug-10 16:08:33


Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 16:19:53


For constructive advice read

'Oh hun he sounds like a right twat, of course he shud look after yur babba properly'

and other such gems.

SixtyFootDoll Thu 05-Aug-10 16:26:51

am wondering how i can insert the phrase 'sixtyfootdoll' into conversation?

Maybe the Times will run a weekly column on the life of a Sixty Foot Doll?

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 16:28:29

Well, you leave for two hours and find that still all your constructive advice is ignored in support of tantrums.

I also hate the term yummy mummy. I find it misogynistic, vile and utterly pathetic. << gives up being nice if OP is going to behave ridiculously although I stand by my premise mentioned at top of thread that OP and her DP need counselling to get their relationship to work.>>

Headbanger Thu 05-Aug-10 16:40:00

The kind of people that take pride in being a 'yummy mummy' <boak> are precisely the same women that say "Oh I'm a real girly girl I am!!" as if that were a good thing, and not a phrase that deserves a resounding back-handed slap and the removal of all rights to vote <nods wisely>

SixtyFootDoll Thu 05-Aug-10 16:45:22

Nods wisely too, stroking chin.

Harryan Thu 05-Aug-10 16:49:58

Wow I have seriously just lost an hour of my day reading this thread.....I will never get that hour back you know! [Grin]

She's still a crazy girl though, I mean you don't become a "perfect" parent you learn it.
Her OH (A term which I hate, much prefer DP)needs to learn from his mistakes.
Now She obviously didn't like being critisised about HER parenting skills so why should she assume her partener get the same??

But then again she is still young, and has lots to learn Counselling would help them both immensly.

This thread has got funnier and funnier.

'do i need to spell everything out now for you to be able to read?? "

'Nothing to add to the thread - it has all been said - but can this bewilderment at the medium of written language be quote of the week, or would that be mean?'

Yes please!

BonniePrinceBilly Thu 05-Aug-10 16:52:11

She's off to bounty no doubt, where her illiteracy textspeak will be appreciated and they will all call her hunny and chick and agree that he's a useless twat just by dint of having a penis. Bet she has a ticker by teatime.

Thank fuck they can all congregate there and generally leave us alone here! grin

MathsMadMummy Thu 05-Aug-10 16:53:47

hmm. finally opened this thread and only looked at the first page and the last page. soooo confused...

may have to read the lot confused

unfitmother Thu 05-Aug-10 16:55:08

That would get my vote for quote of the week!

Harryan Thu 05-Aug-10 16:58:04

Seriously mathsmadmummy Think Veeeery carefully before you do.....

Do you really have and hour or two to spare for this thread (which I may add was well worth it)?
If you do I beg you to take in supplies...i.e Wine and chocolate!!

It really is better than watching your fave movie grin wink

foureleven Thu 05-Aug-10 16:58:46

Dont mathsmadmummy - you will lose a small part of your soul.

unfitmother Thu 05-Aug-10 17:00:32

Do not read this thread sober!

lifeas3plus1 Thu 05-Aug-10 17:00:54

Wow, I've had a shower (whilst leaving ds on his own) been to the shop, been to the park where I told ds to be careful then said "I told you so" when he fell and landed face first on the pavement blush (he is ok may I add) given ds his dinner come back and there's 13 pages to read through.

Has op agree'd that she's being unresonable yet or is she still spouting her shit?

Think i'll be back Later when ds is in bed! He's driving me crazy and needs an early night!

proudnsad Thu 05-Aug-10 17:01:27

Glad we 'entertained her morning' though!
<bitchy emoticon>

MathsMadMummy Thu 05-Aug-10 17:02:26

oh you lot HAD to go and tell me not to didn't you.

have you people never heard of reverse psychology?! <scowls and waggles pointy finger>

oh well I will have to save it for later as I do actually have some clearing up to do

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 17:03:27

Has she bollocks agreed that she is unreasonable!!!

lifeas3plus1 Thu 05-Aug-10 17:05:08


<I really can spell unreasonable, honest!>

MIFLAW Thu 05-Aug-10 17:06:08

I imagine the OP as a woman with a LOT of cuddly toys.

ljgibbs Thu 05-Aug-10 17:07:15

I wonder if YM will take her foul mood out on her OH tonight and nag him even more about how he can't do things properly... poor bugger (him not her)

weegiemum Thu 05-Aug-10 17:09:49

"Bet she has a ticker by teatime."


* 43 mins 22 seconds till teatime***
* 5 mins 37 seconds till wine o'clock***
* It has been %%^three^ miniutes fifteen seconds%% since I last lambasted my OH over his parenting***

nancy10 Thu 05-Aug-10 17:19:40

Yes, I thought that, poor bloke. If I had a £1 for every time my dh did something I didn't agree with I'd be very rich! But our kids lives weren't compromised.
I know of a similar situation to this but it was the dh who was over the top, we were at their BBQ in there very secure, straight, can see everything at all times, garden. When suddenly he started shouting really aggressively at his wife, telling her she should be keeping an eye on their son and what was she doing sitting around talking. It was awful, everyone went quiet and she scuttled off to pick up their son, who had been playing really happily with all the other children. It also made all the other parents look incompetent because the children were similar ages (2-3 years.)

slhilly Thu 05-Aug-10 17:20:40

Speaking personally, I thought that mid-thread, it was quite funny seeing the sparks fly, but by the end she'd started to focus on advice but people were piling in to take the piss, and that's never nice. It degenerated at the point when it would have been good to have been helpful.

If you're lurking, YummyMummy, you might want to get a copy of "Letting go as children grow". As for learning to cope with your OH having a different approach to parenting from you, I think you could start by reflecting on the van incident for yourself, and then talking to him about it. Your expectations are very different -- my guess is that you expected your OH to actively play with your DS in the van, your OH thought that the point of going into the van was that the van itself was the playground and he could simply enjoy the atmosphere while DS amused himself. Many partners vary in their view of what is the right balance between "active playing" and "just being around"; you need to acknowledge this with each other, and then come to a joint agreement about what is acceptable.

This thread has been a real treat - I'm loving "laxi-daisy"! grin Am also wondering what to make of the due-any-day "are education standards dropping?" threads...

Morloth Thu 05-Aug-10 17:49:58

Earplugs are your friend, what is the point of forcing husband out of bed to deal with DCs if you can still hear them?

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 18:28:59

and here i c u all r, still having fun trying to make other people feel crap.

U lot really r bored housewives rnt u?

I have mentioned this area 'AIBU' on a few other topics now and most of them all agree u lot on here really dont actually put in any useful comments, just take joy in upsetting the OP. Well what ever floats ur boat.

Now u can carry on saying how i must be at home ear bashing my OH by now and oh that poor bloke and yes im insane and an unfit mother...but at least i dont neglet my child unlike most of u on this thread.

Your poor children.

Have fun girlies!! grin

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 18:33:31

Hardly neglect least we can spell anyway...

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 18:34:44

"yes im insane and an unfit mother" At least you can admit it!

Morloth Thu 05-Aug-10 18:34:53

I love these threads.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 18:35:02

yea yea...whatever u say no sugar.

Blah Blah...anyone else??

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 18:36:42

Actually it's NoSugar

SixtyFootDoll Thu 05-Aug-10 18:37:46

Like Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction'

Shodan Thu 05-Aug-10 18:37:52

'Your poor children'.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Sod off and whinge to your girly pals.

Come back when you're more adult.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 05-Aug-10 18:38:27

OMG she's back. It's like the end of a bad horror movie where the baddie just. won't. die.

Harryan Thu 05-Aug-10 18:39:24

Stop Letting it bother you so much and ignore the thread.
The more you comment the more you are gonna seem like you are enjoying the bitching.

Act like the adult and bow out gracefully. Then go and sit down with your partener and make use of some of the advice you HAVE received on here.

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 18:39:46

<Snort @ Ali>

ChippingIn Thu 05-Aug-10 18:39:46

OMG - why did I have to choose today to actually get off my arse and do some jobs - missed all the fun, but skim read the entire thread - great laugh!

I have discovered what a bunch of knob heads u lot on this forum actually are and will stick to the other ones

Promises promises!!

c u's l8r

amothersplaceisinthewrong Thu 05-Aug-10 18:40:29

In answer to your question OP, yes you are being unreasonable. (unless of course your DS has been left downstairs with a box of matches and given the kitchen knives to play with).

Ionderog Thu 05-Aug-10 18:43:02

YABa bitU, but its only my biased opinion.

Our house is a real building project, we keep dangerous tools and chemicals locked away but there are trip hazards etc. Son has been trained how to behave safely.

My hubby (full time stay at home dad) leaves our son downstairs alone all the time and he's fine, calls or comes up to find us if there is a problem.

Son is happy and confident and independent as a result of his "me" time.

My mum watched me like a hawk as a child and as a result I was terrified of everything.

Harryan Thu 05-Aug-10 18:43:50

Pmsl! will you girls stop making me laff I was trying to make a serious point to the OP lol

prettybird Thu 05-Aug-10 18:48:14

Just goes to show how some people just don't understand (despite the warning at the top) AIBU: that you might post and people will think you are being unreasonable especially if you are. Most people realsie that when there is 90+% agreement that YABU, then probably you are grin

There has been a lot of construcitve suggestions on how to address what are probably (in as much as any anonymous posters in the internet can infer) what are much more serious issues that need to be addressed.

The thing about the text speak is a distraction: however, someone made the very valid point that you use the "vernacular" of the forum you are in - and within Mumsnet, text speak is seen as irritating. Adults, or at least educated ones, understand that and adjust their speech (or writing) as appropriate.

By the same token, ds, age 9, is already being nagged about certain wrong irritating "West of Scotland-isms" (eg "I seen" instead of "I saw" or "I have went" instead of "I have gone"). He can speak how he likes with his friends, but with us - and other adults - he must speak properly.

The other thing that yummymummy doesn't seem to have registered/cottoned on (if she stayed longer, she might find out) is that very few of us are "bored housewifes". Many of us work "outside the home", many ofus full-time, as well as being the best possible parents (Mums and Dads) we can be (even though we still mae mistakes - which is why we come on here to ask for advice wink1!) all the time

1 Not blind agreement

MmeLindt Thu 05-Aug-10 18:53:10

It is a shame that this has turned out so badly for you.

You have had a LOT of good advice here. If you ignore the piss-taking (and you are not quite blameless either) then you might actually find some ways of resolving your problems with your DH.

I do believe that you and your DH need to sit down, have a cup of tea/beer/glass of wine and talk this over. Tell him that you realise that you over react, and try to find if there is a reason for this. Are you generally an anxious person?

MmeLindt Thu 05-Aug-10 18:54:18


I was being nice and supportive. Stop taking the piss for one minute and READ MY POST, woman.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 19:08:53

and to think u guys actually think u r mature adults.

i am done with talking sense on this thread so apologies for any 'normal' responses coming in now, iv just had enough of the bullying and trying to take the piss.
hence my sarcasm.

will go elsewhere for advice if i need any more.

y you think i would actually listen and be grateful to such horrible people like urselves is unbeknown to me. (again, not all of u, just the idiotic ones).

so thanks for ... nothing i guess.

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 05-Aug-10 19:10:34

You did get helpful advice. You need to address your anxiety issues and you need to communicate more effectively with your DP. This has nothing to do with child safety and everything to do with your relationship

MmeLindt Thu 05-Aug-10 19:13:21

<applauds SGM>

oh I am disappointed that we weren't called a nest of vipers


Harryan Thu 05-Aug-10 19:18:11

And they all lived happily ever after...

The End

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 19:23:07

Your very welcome

Don't let the open safety gate hit you in the ass on the way out

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 19:31:29

...oh please, dont stop - ur amusing me too much

ljgibbs Thu 05-Aug-10 19:33:49

Can I nominate this thread for classics pleeeeeeeeeeaase grin

Yummy FGS....... There have been quite a few people here that have tried to reach out to you and you have just slapped them down.

Can't you see that it is YOUR behaviour and communication that is getting such a bad reaction from people. Most people right now will have logged off of MN in a huff and spend a couple of weeks trying to work out what happened, come back later for a bit of a lurk, lick wounds and begin againg.

I reckon a lot of posters here will have done that with their own AIBU flamings because none of us is perfect.

But you keep popping back and saying something that invites piss-taking because you absolutely refuse to back down. Fine. But withdraw with digity at the very least, and come back when you have recovered.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 19:46:53

thats becos most of their 'victims' would have scuttled off to a corner by now. y the heck should i?

i did take in the decent responses altho u lot clearly cannot read as u keep repeating that i havent. i even came bak at one point saying thanks for the suggestions but all u keep doing now is trying to make me feel as tho all this bullying going on is down to me - just like a bully would do to their victim. makes perfect sense now.

this is a lions den and i just walked into it and refused to be eaten. get over it guys u didnt win this time. shame

MmeLindt Thu 05-Aug-10 19:50:45

you are correct. That is exactly what I did after my first flaming. Went away, came back and lurked for a while before posting again.

You are really not doing yourself any favours. Why you keep persisting is a mystery to me.

Morloth Thu 05-Aug-10 19:51:02

LOL, I wonder who will get the last word in? Threads die at 1,000 posts don't they?

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 19:52:33

for someone who keeps talking about going somewhere else and not asking on here again...your doing an awful lot of posting and not buggering off tbh

Morloth- 1001 i believe...race ya

colditz Thu 05-Aug-10 19:53:55

"nd here i c u all r, still having fun trying to make other people feel crap.

U lot really r bored housewives rnt u?

I have mentioned this area 'AIBU' on a few other topics now and most of them all agree u lot on here really dont actually put in any useful comments, just take joy in upsetting the OP. Well what ever floats ur boat.

Now u can carry on saying how i must be at home ear bashing my OH by now and oh that poor bloke and yes im insane and an unfit mother...but at least i dont neglet my child unlike most of u on this thread.

Your poor children."

You sound absolutely bloody mental

However, you are 7 months pregnant, and at 7 months pregnant with a two year old to care for I was absolutely bloody mental too, so I'll let you off.

I hope you calm down before you give yourself blood pressure problems.

TonariNoTotoro Thu 05-Aug-10 19:54:33

Yes, but txt spk makes you look like a twt!

Morloth Thu 05-Aug-10 19:57:56

I don't have that kind of attention span MilkNoSugarPlease.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:00:23

and sitting on forums all day trying to insult people makes u look like a twat - a very bored twat at that.

I came on wanting a bit of a moan and for someone to just agree with me so i can get on with my day, moan over. instead i get a bunch of idiots trying to call me a twat cos i abreviate - y would i want to spend twice as long typing out each word in full cos u lot r brain dead and cant read??

get a fricking life please

juanitad Thu 05-Aug-10 20:00:27

I was quite disappointed to see there isn't much on telly tonight, but this thread has taken care of the last hour, and it has been thoroughly entertaining! Thank you to all involved!

'thats becos most of their 'victims' would have scuttled off to a corner by now. y the heck should i?'

Because this is all getting worse for you that's why. Because it is destructive and because quite clearly, you are your own worst enemy.

'his is a lions den and i just walked into it and refused to be eaten.'

The thing is, you ARE being eaten, or at least nibbled away at, and that is because you keep dangling yourself as fair game.

MilkNoSugarPlease Thu 05-Aug-10 20:02:27

We can read, we can also spell...

Nd nt type lyk a fckin moron

TonariNoTotoro Thu 05-Aug-10 20:03:33

or maybe I can just type (and spell)?

anyway, as 99% of the rest of the thread have said - YABU!


[waits for alcohol-fuelled MNers to join the thread]

Spacehopper5 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:03:59

YANBU. Take 2yr old + favourite toy into the bathroom. Sit aforementioned child on floor with toy, lock the door and take the shower. Not difficult.

prozacfairy Thu 05-Aug-10 20:04:17

YABU. But only coz I've done this myself.

Mine and DD's (2.11) sunday morning ritual is I shove peppa pig in the dvd player for her to watch as she eats her breakfast, while I have a bubble bath. She stays there rooted to the spot while I soak in the bath for a good half hour.

I occasionally yell down to her she yells back to tell me to shut up I'm interupting peppa. The bathroom door is left open incase she needs me.

Think you should lay off your OH tbh. How would you feel if he told you he thought you incompetant to look after your own son?

unfitmother Thu 05-Aug-10 20:04:50

I'm fucking furious!
How dare OP call herself an unfitmother?
An unfitmutha I could have coped with. wink

TonariNoTotoro Thu 05-Aug-10 20:05:45

haha, spacehopper - have you got a 2yo??

Spacehopper5 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:07:40

Tbh, the op has had an unnecessarily hard time on here. I don't think she's BU. I wouldn't leave a 2yr old downstairs while I took a shower. No way.

OrmRenewed Thu 05-Aug-10 20:08:14

Step away everyone.

This is getting painful to watch.

Spacehopper Have you read the thread?

See you in a couple of hours......

Spacehopper5 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:09:45

Tonari: I did have (he's now 4.5) and this shower/ child watching combination worked fine for us.

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:10:16

finally someone who makes sense out of my point - thanks spacehopper. grin

I find it funny how wen u all try to take the piss out of my typing u r using abreviations i have and never use - 'Nd nt type lyk a fckin moron' sorry but this isnt how i type. ill make it easier for u brain dead people:

u - You
r = Are
ur = your or You're
y = Why

and so on and so forth. this make it easier for u people to read??

i dont use, 'nt' or 'nd' or 'lyk'. Get it rite if u intend to try humiliate me.

And regarding the ur making it worse for urself comment - do u actually think all this crap is having any effect on my life or how i feel today? Im now just finding it amusing watching u all try and belittle me with it failing badly as i sit back and laugh.

I am acting very immature i know, but its purely so the target audience can understand thats all.

ragged Thu 05-Aug-10 20:11:14

This is ironic, as I am usually accused of being grossly under-protective, yet I am almost in the YANBU camp. Just because I couldn't hear DC well enough when I was in the shower, not sure I'd chance taking one when they were awake.

As a result I don't take many showers.
Ah, so that would explain my problems with body odour blush.

Well, you can't please everybody, can ya'? grin

ChippingIn Thu 05-Aug-10 20:11:31

i am done with talking sense on this thread

I read through the whole thread and I missed the bit where she started 'talking sense'?? Damn it, must pay more attention.


Haven't read thread, but just wondering if the plural of 'forum' is 'fora?' Not forums?


I need wine if this is going to carry on......

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:12:56

i wouldnt try and stick up for me - they only like people who agree with the majority on this forum. aparently leaving a 2yr old downstairs on their own is perfectly fine and those who dont do that are molly coddling their kids...u may need some duct tape to tape them to the wall while u take a shower as previously suggested.

like i sed...iv had some rather constructed advice to my post.

unfitmother Thu 05-Aug-10 20:14:18

You haven't had wine b4 coming bac????

This thread is NOT about leaving a 2yr old or not alone. It really isn't.

It is about a poster who has a frustrating inability to see things from any POV but her own.

<deep breath>

spacehopper, just because you wouldn't, doesn't mean that it is unreasonable for someone else to, and when it's your dp/oh, then it is their parenting decision, not yours

and, as you can see from this thread, the general consensus is that a 2 year old can generally be left safely, unless they are particularly, um, immature

<exhales slowly>

I was going to have an early night so no, but if there's free entertainment and all that.....

Spacehopper5 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:18:13

The plural of 'forum' is indeed 'fora'.

I've read the thread, but in regards to the op, I still don't think she's BU.

unfitmother Thu 05-Aug-10 20:18:27

Pour yourself a glass then Starlight grin

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:19:14


u people cannot see or hear anything other than what comes out of ur own petty little mouths/keyboards as it happens to be!

im actually laughing now becos u really really believe what ur saying - i have sat and said i can see things from others points of view, if u havent read the whole thread then please dont comment. i tried with these morons but they just have a hard time trying to listen between all the piss taking with each other.

but again, lets say its all my fault as im not listening to ur good advice etc. total bullshit. what fucking good advice has anyone posted on here?! none. apart from a teeny few who r actually decent members trying to help people. to which i responded. to all the other idiots i spoke back to them in the way/tone they spoke to me. end of story really.

colditz Thu 05-Aug-10 20:20:18

You are heading into nervous breakdown territory, YummyMummy1208.

Go and have a cup of decaf tea and a sit down. You're making yourself ill. Why do you care what people you clearly find contemptible think about you? Nobody here gives a crap that you think they're neglectful because they know they're not - so why do you care so much?

Hormones, at a guess.

This will all look very silly in 6 months time. You're expanding valuable relaxing time getting angry on the internet.

And me? I'm not angry. I enjoy these bunfights, and find them quite interesting, but you're just getting crotchety.

Nice hmm

end of story?

Oh thank god!

Spacehopper5 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:21:10

lukewarm: I don't recall making any comment on anybody elses parenting decisions. I only commented on my own experience. That misunderstanding on your part appeared somewhat traumatic for you, what with all the heavy breathing...are you alright?

Morloth Thu 05-Aug-10 20:21:29

1001, you say MilkNoSugarPlease?

YummyMummy1208 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:21:35

thank you Spacehopper5, my point was that i was just upstairs, he had no reason to take DS downstairs just to come back on his own to have a shower. y not just leave him with me whilst he had a shower? like u say its not hard work - toy, lock door have a shower.

but people dont seem to be able to see the bigger picture on here. and for that i feel sorry for them

colditz Thu 05-Aug-10 20:23:39

It's nice that you feel sorry for us because we feel sorry for you too.

Are you feeling calmer now you have had your blow out?smile

Thing is Yummy, what you just mentioned there is NOT the bigger picture. it is the VERY small picture.

It isn't a bit deal, you're right. But the stuff that came after it, and your reasons for they way you feel about it, - well they ARE a big deal and if you don't address it you are going to find life very difficult.

Spacehopper5 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:24:16

Yummy: have a nice cuppa and put your feet up.

ljgibbs Thu 05-Aug-10 20:24:46

Yummy Mummy YANBU I totally agree with everything you say. Your OH is being a complete idiot, your 2 year old child should never be left alone downstairs when you live in a child unfriendly house as you do.

Pats YM on head and mutters "there there" in a consoling tone of voice.

Hopes that now someone has agreed with her the OP will fuck the fuck off and when she gets there fuck off again.

<snnnnnnnnort> at lj

ifancyashandy Thu 05-Aug-10 20:26:27

Read from beginning to end. Had a shite day.

ALL BETTER NOW!! grin grin

Well done all concerned (bar the obvious!)

Spacehopper - you were responding to the op, in which the op was questioning whether her oh's parenting decision was unreasonable, yes?

Deep breaths are necessary as it takes a lot of mental control to try to explain things to people who aren't reading or listening properly. If you want to be sarky about it.

TonariNoTotoro Thu 05-Aug-10 20:29:08

well done Yummy, for latching on to the single person in the last 300 posts that actually agrees with you. hmm

and if you're going to type 'rite', then extend your fingers to a single extra character on the keyboard and type 'right'


You first went wrong with the title, and the tone of your OP. You implied that people who didn't do as you did were wrong/neglectful. When the VAST majority told you that you were being unreasonable, you picked on the teeny little critisisms and focused on that, rather than any advice that was being offered.

As you got more and more defensive, refusing to listen to other posters opinions (ignoring the obviously offensive ones) people got sick of your whining and txt spk. they told you so, and you didn't like it. Now you're saying that this isn't affecting you, and you don't care.. in which case, why not just fuck off to another forum and calm down, dear.

Ineedmorechocolatenow Thu 05-Aug-10 20:30:36

You are a bit bonkers, OP.

Hilarious thread!

AfternoonsandCoffeespoons Thu 05-Aug-10 20:31:14


If 1000 people tell you you're a duck, you'd better check your back for feathers.

(or you could just keep asking untill someone tells you you're not)

Spacehopper5 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:32:49

Poor you, lukewarm. What a lot of effort you have to go to the "explain" things to people who "aren't listening or reading properly". I read the op fine, thank you. Read the entire thread. Offered my own experience in context of the op without making any judgement on anybody else's parenting method. Clearly, you didn't like that and need to take a few 'deep breaths' in order to talk yourself out of what is an obvious misunderstanding on your part.

Perhaps try yoga or meditation if people on the Internet upset you this much?

SixtyFootDoll Thu 05-Aug-10 20:33:34

Oh Afternoons I like that quote, am committing it to memory.

IS this thread ever going to end?
I have wine, kids are in bed....

not even half way yet I don't think.

Can we change tac though. I think we need a new subject injection....

Yummy are you planning to breastfeed?

Spacehopper - I am perfectly chilled thank you. Dp has the cricket on so I'm almost comatose in fact. Could you just double check what forum you are on though? You stated 'yanbu', thereby agreeing with the op's judgement of her oh's parenting, and implicitly judging this yourself. Qed, not really sure why you are arguing about this, bit of a moot point surely?

Morloth Thu 05-Aug-10 20:38:17

Snort, tea came out my nose then Starlight.

dinkystinky Thu 05-Aug-10 20:38:44

This thread is absolutely hilarious - its brightened my day. grin

MmeLindt Thu 05-Aug-10 20:40:57

I came on wanting a bit of a moan and for someone to just agree with me so i can get on with my day, moan over. instead i get a bunch of idiots trying to call me a twat cos i abreviate - y would i want to spend twice as long typing out each word in full cos u lot r brain dead and cant read??

Then you posted in the wrong topic. This is Am I Being Unreasonable and the consensus was a resounding YABU. If you wanted to moan and have a pat on the back then you should have posted elsewhere.

Are you new to MN? I think you said that you have seen AIBU before so you must know that.

And tbh, SGM, Starlight, myself and many others have been polite and helpful. For that we get called "morons". Thanks for that.

veyron Thu 05-Aug-10 20:41:33

This is so entertaining! I can't believe how long this has been going on and I have been glued!! This afternoon....I was watching...........Got in from work............I was watching..................Cooked Dinner......................I was watching..........................Then I watched Eastenders blush..................Had a shower...........................And I'm still watching!!!!


thedogwalker Thu 05-Aug-10 20:45:39

Wow I am completely gobsmacked. I have just read the whole thread..... and I am totally amazed, this has been very insightful for me. I am currently 38+ 4 with my first child and I would say I was probably a bit controlling with my DH wrt our relationship.

This has really opened up my eyes and I will strive (when LO is born obviously) to let my DH have his own time with him and to develop his own parenting skills. So thanks to all on here for helping me in advance.

Plus my sides are now aching from all the laughing I've been doing. Never been on the AIBU thread before, but its hilarious grin

Spacehopper5 Thu 05-Aug-10 20:46:27

That's right, lukewarm, I did state YANBU. That doesn't mean to say I am judging her OH, or making personal judgements about anybody else's parenting. It means that IMHO, I did not think the op - on the basis of the op - was BU.

I do, however, wonder why you insist upon trying to extrapolate further meaning from my posts. You do seem to be stressing out (what with all these 'deep breaths') in your desperate attempt to prove that I am somehow judging other people's parenting. How very odd.

LilRedWG Thu 05-Aug-10 20:46:50

She's just doing it to get a reaction now, to ruffle feathers.

LilRedWG Thu 05-Aug-10 20:48:31

thedogwalker - it can be difficult to step back, especially if you are the main carer but it is possible, just remember to count to ten and ask if the fact he parents differently to you is really so bad. Congratulations on the imminent arrival and good luck.

Morloth Thu 05-Aug-10 20:49:11

God yes thedogwalker best thing you can do is leave them to it. Assuming your DH is an adult human being who loves your DC as much as you do, they will be just fine. DH has a completely different relationship with our DSs to what I have, is a wonderful thing, I don't interfere with it.

veyron where were your children while you were doing all those things? Won't somebody think of the children?!

Careful thedogwalker - all that laughing at 38+4 and you might get an early surprise!

Ps aibu isn't always as interesting as this, but then the ops are rarely as bonkers

veyron Thu 05-Aug-10 20:52:38

Morloth I left her looking after the deep fat fryer, whilst I poured us both Aftershocks grin

thedogwalker I think it is safe to say that letting go is something you need to learn for a lot of people. When you have a baby you are SO responsible in a way that is quite frightening. You think so carefully about how exactly you time things, the order you do it, they way you respond etc. When you are stuck at home perfecting these things it is VERY hard to let someone else have a go. Who wants to let a trainee loose on their most precious thing in the world?

But, if you don't do that then neither you or they will ever have the confidence to do things and you will be trapped. Not only that but your child will be deprived of a different 'style' of relationship or from getting close to other people. Bonding doesn't happen when you take your child to a theme park, it happens when you put a plaster on their knee, or go through their fish with a toothcomb for bones, or wipe their pooey bottoms.

Nomorerain Thu 05-Aug-10 20:58:59

Well I wasn't going to join in as it's become a bit crazy on here (think we all enjoy this type of thread really ;) but OP - my DD is also 2.5 and if you know it's not safe down stairs then yanbu to not want him to be left alone. I leave mine to have a shower, clean up etc but I know she's safe and very responsible for her age. We're not all perfect parents so you should cut some slack with your DP. None of us do things in exactly the same way as parents - it sounds like you are expecting him to read your mind. As others have suggested, perhaps you should both ensure that everything is childsafe and then you would not have to worry so much.

I have not thoroughly read every message on this epic thread but just wanted to say that if you have a local surestart childrens centre its worth contacting them as ours will supply stairgates and locks and medciine cabinets and other gubbins and even fit them for you if your not a diyer.

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post smile. I did nto spell check it.

EvadneGreenspan Thu 05-Aug-10 21:09:03

the whole text speak, is lazy, irritating, hard to read and rather pretentious.

You come over as totally self obsessed, nagging, unpleasant and rather ignorant.

hey ho

Morloth Thu 05-Aug-10 21:10:04

Well as long as you gave her something to do veyron so that she didn't get up to something dangerous.

Loie159 Thu 05-Aug-10 21:23:32

Yummy Mummy - you are being quite defensive to most repsonses.... cant you just egt the fact that hardly anyone agrees with you??? So therefore YABU.... stop trying to keep offering excuses / reasons as to why you are right and DH is wrong. You asked for the opinion - and its almost a 100% consensu that YABU - therefore before you type more why doesnt that make you stop and think that maybe you are being controlling and maybe YABU????????? I cant understand why you would ask if you are overreacting and when people say you are you disagree?? If your so sure why are you on here?

littlesez Thu 05-Aug-10 21:42:48

hmm how long would it take to read the whole thread? I really cannot be arsed but want to grin

I think everyone is entitled to a moan, but doing it on AIBU is not the place if you want people to a) unanimously agree b) be sympathetic.

I haven't read 17 pages just bits but I would hate to be on the receiving end of this thread, especially if I was 7 months pregnant. I wouldn't dare post on AIBU if I was pregnant as I would find it all too much ( I was ridiculously hormonal and would cry at anything!) blush

BUT I think calling people stupid (or variations of) because they cannot read text speak is not doing any favours.

Anyway back to OP, Im not sure whether YABU or not. I personally wouldnt leave my daughter (17 months) while i took a shower. Not sure when she is 2, can't imagine so my niece is 2 and wouldn't leave her confused

sorry i am poo on aibu, pretty sure your not allowed to sit on fence here..........

[scuttles off]

priyag Thu 05-Aug-10 23:28:27

Hi YummyMummy,

So sorry you are being given such a hard time. I agree totally with you that a child aged 2.5 years of age should not be left alone downstairs on their own.

Your husband should get himself organised and get out of bed earlier to have his shower, so he can then spend some quality time with your son before he leaves for work.

If you son has spent all night asleep in his room, for you husband to think it is acceptable leave him alone downstairs, whilst he has a shower, is in my opinion simply selfish.

Please ignore all the nasty personal attacks, you sound like a loving mum and you are certainly not being unreasonable by being annoyed at your husbands behaviour.

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 23:31:44

priyag Thu 05-Aug-10 23:28:27

''So sorry you are being given such a hard time. I agree totally with you that a child aged 2.5 years of age should not be left alone downstairs on their own.''

And why not???????

''If you son has spent all night asleep in his room, for you husband to think it is acceptable leave him alone downstairs, whilst he has a shower, is in my opinion simply selfish.

Please ignore all the nasty personal attacks, you sound like a loving mum and you are certainly not being unreasonable by being annoyed at your husbands behaviour.''

What aload of shite!

slhilly Thu 05-Aug-10 23:34:00

YummyMummy, given you're still on the thread, and you've said several times that you've read the posts from people who are just advising you and appreciated them, can I suggest you try to put all the flamewars to one side, see if you've got any further questions in your mind about what to do and if so, just stick to responding to the people who've given you advice rather than the people with whom you're currently slugging it out? Cos it really would be a better use of your time...


Finally, - someone who agrees with the OP word for word. There you go OP. Hope you feel better now.

Incidently, I did a brief search on you priyag and I see WHY you agree with the OP. It would appear you perhaps have control issues of your own?

knickers0nmyhead Thu 05-Aug-10 23:39:48

Oh it just keeps getting better!!!! And I have a childfree night so no early morning!!!


milliemoosmum Fri 06-Aug-10 01:50:29

I posted a lot earlier in the thread and I wasn't taking the piss at all. I think it is right that you should let your partner know how important things like shutting gates are however you do need to toddler proof your home. You leave your child unattended downstairs, by your own admission, and even for a short time this is dangerous if your home is not childproofed - knives lying around etc as you have described. If you feel that your husband will not take any notice of you about safety issues then, unless you are going to chuck him out, for the sake of your son you need to rearrange your kitchen and get cupboard locks and fit them yourself at your own expense if necessary. Either that or you will not be able to leave them alone unsupervised. Surely it would just be easier to childproof the house?

MilkNoSugarPlease Fri 06-Aug-10 02:27:33

I reckon we could get there morloth

This thread is even more amusing when you've been out drinking to be honest

"what fucking good advice has anyone posted on here?!" Posts telling you to fuck off were pretty good advice

chiccadee Fri 06-Aug-10 03:41:17

YM - you have had some good advice, and have managed to take some of it on board. When you have calmed down, try rereading the more helpful posts about getting some counselling for you and your DP - your children WILL pick up on the tensions, even if you don't think they do. For their sake, get some help to improve how you both communicate before you move overseas.

FWIW, I think it is very common for first-time mums to think they know best and I know I was guilty of that too. It was only when ex-DP took over childcare fulltime that I 'let go' and realised what an amazing parent he is. Yes, he does things differently and sometimes makes 'mistakes', but DS is never in any real danger. They have a wonderful relationship and ex-DP is so, so much more confident as a father now that he has the space (away from me, the moaning minnie grin) to work out his own parenting style.

One last thing - as others have said, post this stuff in relationships, not AIBU if you are looking for support rather than objective responses.

PadmeHum Fri 06-Aug-10 04:18:50

18 pages.

Wow. That's a lot of pages (I'll confess I haven't read them) dedicated to something so trivial.

I can't believe anybody could get upset about their partner having a shower.

In third world countries, kids of this age are left to fend for themselves for 12-14 hours a day (usually being cared for by their not much older siblings), so that their parents can go to work.

They survive.

Stop wrapping your child in cotton wool and give your poor, long suffering partner a break.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Fri 06-Aug-10 04:58:53

Have waded my way through this and just wanted to say that Freecycle is a good place for stairgates. Knives were in a high up cupboard when DS was little, as was the bleach etc.

I recommend a pair of earplugs OP. Your DH is gong to have to work this parenting thing out for himself, especialy with two to juggle. If it stresses you out listening then it's probably best not to hear it and let him get on with it. To be fair some people aren't that great with babies and children, I count DH and I in that group, it took 2 of us to feed a friend's 9 month DS a banana when babysitting whilst I was 7 months pregnant, plus DH couldn't work out which way to put DD's nappy on when she was born. But the DC's survived us and we're actually pretty good at this parenting thing now they are 6 and 11.

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 08:55:24

I too like Afternoons:
"If 1000 people tell you you're a duck, you'd better check your back for feathers."
God. That's good.

AM also laughing at Stewie. BF'ing. we haven't even got her going on Giselles bf'ing. CC ? GF ? Smacking ? Greggs ?

We could could have FIELD-DAY here grin

BonniePrinceBilly Fri 06-Aug-10 09:01:13

pmsl @ "constructed advice"! And she calls us morons? grin

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 09:02:33

Starlight, whats the lowdown on priyag, then ?
come on over priyag. lets hear your views on this.

can't wait.

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 09:03:21

Are we in classics yet ?

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 09:43:12

good morning Morons.

Whats joyus comments do u have for us today then? i see ur all on here nice and early ready to start...

nancy10 Fri 06-Aug-10 09:47:55

OMG! There were 302 or so comments when I last looked. My views are still the same and yummymummy you are completely ridiculous, fancy coming back for more!

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 09:49:04

I've had my ready brek. ready to rock and roll.
where shall we start OP ?
Smacking ?
Controlled crying ?
Giselle bunchen's bf'ing advice ?

or shall we go back to your OP issue. thats probably best.
Have you talked to your Oh about how awfult eh MN ladies were to you ? Did you tell him that loads of those MN'ers felt really sorry for him ? What was his response to all of this ?

LilRedWG Fri 06-Aug-10 09:50:52

YM - you are just coming on here to wind people up now. Do you seriously think that you will be proud of this thread when you look back on it? It's only going to end in tears and I don't think they'll be anyone but yours.

Please step away now and concentrate on your lovely DS and looking forward to your new baby.

veyron Fri 06-Aug-10 09:51:29

Not again! I will get no work done - AGAIN! (SHAME) grin

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 09:57:17

y on earth would i have told him that?

no, i went home and had a lovely night with my OH and DS actually. then thismorning i tied him to my back whilst i had a shower and once id finished i re-applied the cotton wool around him.

where do u want to start oblomov? u tell me.

Morloth Fri 06-Aug-10 09:57:51

YummyMummy1208 "OH will walk off mumbling 'here she goes again..'"


omnishambles Fri 06-Aug-10 09:58:28

Morning fellow morons <feeling very cheery today>

where are you emigrating to YM btw?

AfternoonsandCoffeespoons Fri 06-Aug-10 10:00:39

How do you nominate a thread for classics? This really is the best thread I've read in ages! grin
Can believe its still going on.

AfternoonsandCoffeespoons Fri 06-Aug-10 10:01:52

YummyMummy, surely you could have done that in the first place and none of this would have ever happened!

BonniePrinceBilly Fri 06-Aug-10 10:03:29

Can we have some of your constructed advice oh Wise One?

<can't bring myself to write OP's name, its too painful>

TonariNoTotoro Fri 06-Aug-10 10:05:22

I can't believe this is all still going grin

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 10:06:26

and most of the other responders are only coming on here to (try) and wind me up.

i think its hilarious and wouldnt dream of shedding any tears over this thread. its just a bunch or bored housewives trying to be funny.

i like watching so carry on. grin

weegiemum Fri 06-Aug-10 10:07:03

I don't think I've never said this on MN. I'm normally so callm.


OP. Fuck. The. Fuck. Off.

(wonders if the OP is a MN hating journo trying to wind us up and get a story?)

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 10:08:36

Op's Oh still doesn't know that most people think he needs some support. I wish Op would shoe OH this thread. then he might also be able to sit down with her and have a constructive conversation with plans for the future.
I suspect he is intelligent ? has a decent job ? becasue the criteria for emigrating to ??? Aus perhaps ? is quite stringent. so he can't be a total twonk, can he ?

foureleven Fri 06-Aug-10 10:08:43

housewives my arse!

LilRedWG Fri 06-Aug-10 10:10:54

Oh well, I tried.

veyron Fri 06-Aug-10 10:18:01

I was so worried I was going to be bored on my ML (first day today) Obviously I have no reason to be.

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 10:18:57

Oh and I'm not a board housewife. yesterday I posted in my lunchhour. I was at work. Reviewing our half year accounts. 2 billion turnover, 200 million pre tax profit. etc etc. i wasn't bored. am now at home enjoying my boys. am not bored.

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 10:19:36

canada fyi

omnishambles Fri 06-Aug-10 10:20:55

Oh shite am at work when I should be at home housewifing. Knew there was something I had forgotten on the tube this morning...

I would like to point out to everyone who may have been on the working at home debate thread that I do as much MNing in the office as at home thus proving my efficiency at home. Sort of. Or my procrastination in the office.

<clears throat> anyway OP - where are you emigrating too - am genuinely interested.

Morloth Fri 06-Aug-10 10:21:56

I'm bored, I am feeding the baby again and watching the cleaning lady clean the windows.

omnishambles Fri 06-Aug-10 10:22:10

oh x-posts - thanks. How amazing - are you going Vancouver side or French-speaking - Vancouver is harder isnt it or have they abandoned that sending you to certain bits policy?

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 10:25:17

canada. nice. are you sure you want to go. do you really love him, deep down. do you think he would want to take you if he knew how you really felt about him. are you sure you love him enough to emigrate ? are you sure your realtionship is strong enough ?

nasdaq Fri 06-Aug-10 10:25:29

Is he meant to shower with the 2 year old?

Do you not trust the father of your child ?

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 10:31:13

both my boys 6.5 and 1.9 both love going in the shower with daddy. we have a glass cubicle. it is so incredibly sweet. makes my heart melt. i just sit and watch. towels at the ready.

or i leave dh to do it. funnily enough he is more than capable of doing it all by himself.

i could go away for a month and come back and the place would be spotless, repairs done and i would walk in on 3 happy boys.

no all men are twonks. dh is much better at it all than i am !!

OrmRenewed Fri 06-Aug-10 10:42:22


Shall we change the subject now? Isn't it a lovely day? <smile>

SixtyFootDoll Fri 06-Aug-10 10:43:00

I am going to invent a waterproof sling for parents and babies to shower together!

Thanks for the idea Yummy, I'm gonna be rich!
Will you come on Dragons Den with me to demonstrate?

weegiemum Fri 06-Aug-10 10:44:59

Bored housewife my arse.

I am an exam board employee several months a year, a literacy tutor, have 3 children and am studying for a Master's degree.

I don't have time to be bored.

OrmRenewed Fri 06-Aug-10 10:45:40

Well I am quite bored and I'm not a housewife.

BonniePrinceBilly Fri 06-Aug-10 10:52:09

Sorry, Sixty its been done!

YellowDaffodil Fri 06-Aug-10 10:52:12

Bored and not a housewife here too. PILs have run off with DD and DH is at work. This is far more fun than doing the garden which is why I have taken the day off.

At the risk off kicking this all off again. OP has your DS ever been hurt when your OH is looking after him other than the van incident? I have asked three time now and am genuinely interested in the answer.

Canada is beautiful - I am officially jealous of you.

BonniePrinceBilly Fri 06-Aug-10 10:54:39

ps, OP only thinks they're emigrating together. I reckon he's plotting to run away! grin

SixtyFootDoll Fri 06-Aug-10 10:57:44

Buggeration, there go my millions!

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 11:02:16

Boonie. Lets hope he is.
maybe we will get a thread from Op soon. Oh has disappeared to Canada with my 2 children. i thought we were all going together, but unbeknown to me he flew the day before our supposed flights.

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 11:04:28

FYI my OH loves me dearly, he has already said he wouldnt go without me and our beautiful children. wink

Like i originally said, i wanted a moan yesterday - im 7months pregnant and get hormonal outbursts every so often (i think maybe due to having a girl as i was never like this with DS1) and so now moan is over i have nothing bad to say about OH, he is a lovely partner, just hasnt adapted as quickly as me to parenting - as he fully admits.

so...whats the next topic of conversation then??

Message withdrawn

Harryan Fri 06-Aug-10 11:06:21

Oh dear god...I had nightmares about this tread last night...And I get up this morning....and IT'S STILL GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh!!! grin

YellowDaffodil Fri 06-Aug-10 11:06:25

I take it you aren't going to answer my question then?

Message withdrawn

Harryan Fri 06-Aug-10 11:07:45

Ooops I mean Thread of course lol.

DaisySteiner Fri 06-Aug-10 11:10:24

Erm, do you think maybe you should go and do some work Yummymummy? You can't have got much done yesterday.

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 11:10:41

my last post was below the belt. sorry for that.

Oblomov Fri 06-Aug-10 11:12:51

Op don't try and drag this out. you're not biting anymore. so its not interesting.

cazzybabs Fri 06-Aug-10 11:15:34

I leave my 2 yeear old downstairs while I potter about upstairs.

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 11:19:46

YellowDaffodil i could answer ur Q but then i would be slagging my OH half again but dont feel like doing that today. sorry to dissapoint.

StarlightMcKenzie yes i am planning to breastfeed. and if i dont have my toddler with me i never park in toddler and child as i know how frustrating it is when people do this when they dont have children with them. so what u got next as that gave u f all to come back with?!

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 11:22:09

Oblomov its not me dragging it out, u guys were the ones on here before 9am thismorning.

im just responding where my name is mentioned thats all!

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 11:23:06

cazzybabs which i also do, but on this occasion i was only upstairs in bed so would have loved the chance to have some cuddles with DS rather than him being left downstairs while OH has a shower.

whats so wrong about that?

YellowDaffodil Fri 06-Aug-10 11:26:28

I'm not disappointed - I asked because under the text speak and anger over the shower thing I though you might have a number of genuine reason to be concerned about your OHs parenting.

If that was the case it would explain your attitude and maybe change the tone of the responses you have recieved. If you don't want to share anything else thats fair enough.

LilRedWG Fri 06-Aug-10 11:29:23

So why didn't you get out of bed and bring him back upstairs for cuddles?

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 11:31:15

There has been other incidents and lots of small ones - every time he looks after DS there ends up being a huge crying episode, i havent just gotten mad over one little thing.

I love my OH, which is the reason we are together. We didnt plan either pregnancies but are happy never the less. He just doesnt watch DS as well as he knows he should.

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 11:31:35

LilRedWG - I did.

LilRedWG Fri 06-Aug-10 11:33:54

I think you and OH need to sit down and have a chat about agreeing levels of care whilst you are both calm. It's so so hard to do whilst you are feeling the need to strangle the other person. I hope you get this resolved before your move to Canada.

omnishambles Fri 06-Aug-10 11:34:20

I dont think the crying is that indicative though - I mean obv its not all that great but everytime I leave my 2 dcs in the room togetehr they bicker and one of them ends up whining or crying - its just the nature of toddlers isnt it.

It may be the toddlers response to your DP rather than something DP is doing wrong iyswim. eg toddler has learnt that if he makes a fuss then mum will come back and scoop him up and he gets attention that way rather than dp just being a uselesss parent?

babybunting2010 Fri 06-Aug-10 11:38:19

Hi All,

I am not about to get stuck in the middle of this rant, but I just wanted to say that I think some people have taken a pregnant womans rant to the extreme here, she openly admitted after an hour or so of sending this message that she felt the hormones had made her a little more angry than she would normally have been.

I really hope that you all don't start attacking me for trying to stick up for Yummy, but having been MNing with her due to having the same due month for some time, I can honestly say that she comes across as a caring, reasonable and genuinely lovely person and I just wanted to stick up for her here!

Sorry if I offend anyone but I wanted to say my bit!


YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 11:42:40

smile Thank you babybunting2010

YellowDaffodil Fri 06-Aug-10 11:47:22

I think you need to talk to your OH calmly about everything. You will need to be able to rely on him when the baby comes along and you don't need the added anxiety whilst you are pregnant and when you have a newborn.

No point just correcting him all the time - you have already said he just see's it as you going on. This gives him an excuse for avoiding what you obviously feel to be a serious problem. You need to have a serious conversation where you discuss all your concerns together.

Buy the gates and cupboard locks together (although if you can get them on freecycle even better as your DS will be opening or climbing over them in no time). Put them on together - he will be less defensive if you say it is for both your benefits rather than because he doesn't look after DS properly.

You say you and OH love each other and I am sure he loves your son. If you genuinely believe his behaviour when he looks after DS is unreasonable then he will change it IF you explain it rationally because he loves your child.

The crying might just be that DS wants you and not anything your OH is doing wrong iyswim.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 06-Aug-10 11:51:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn

knickers0nmyhead Fri 06-Aug-10 12:14:26

morning scummy.

knickers0nmyhead Fri 06-Aug-10 12:15:36

shit, sorry, obviously I meant yummy.

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 12:17:19

i told u, im just lowering myself to the level of those derranged people on this thread.

pmsl at u knickers0nmyhead ur so funny. grin

arses Fri 06-Aug-10 12:21:45

I've read the majority of this thread but not all.

The vitriol is stunning. I am particularly hmm about the reaction to the OP's use of textspeak: on the one hand, it is proposed as justifiable as a safeguard for MNers who are dyslexic (i.e. a liberal standpoint); on the other, it clearly inspires class-related outrage.

I suspect the OP had no idea of the dragon's den nature of AIBU when she initially posted.

I think the initial replies made sense: it depends on the child. Two of my close friends have children of this age: one could probably put her dd in front of the TV and go and run a marathon without anything untoward happening; the other would be ill-advised to look sideways in case Armageddon might be unleashed in her home.

Some parents are rather lax re: child security. A friend's toddler nearly died when in the care of his dad as his dad was mowing the lawn while he munched down on dishwasher tablets. I agree in principle with avoiding over-parenting but my friend is understandably wary of her partner's parenting as that was not the only instance of her toddler ending up in hospital following time spent in his dad's care.

Finally, I find it amazing the anger that - shock! horror! - a woman might have some stereotypes of a male-female relationship in a patriarchal society: an anger that can actually lead to statements that she is being "twattish" for considering it's a "man thing" when clearly, she is "shrewish".

For a woman to call another woman a shrew and/or suggest that their husband should leave them because of their nagging is every bit as stereotyping and sexist as any statement the OP has made.

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 12:26:56

finally people who speak sense. Where have u been? smile

I obviously dont have way with words and havnt expressed my situation very well but that didnt deam me to be eaten alive over a simple post did it?

i think the only right answer in this area is YABU. as if anyone ever says the oposite they also get eaten too.

omnishambles Fri 06-Aug-10 12:28:24

Am not sure about the 'class-related outrage' as thats implying that all of us have the same background which we patently do not. However if we are all speaking in the same way a)it allows us to express much more complicated concepts etc and b)it disguises background/education and as such is a good leveller.

Why should the OP label herself with txtspk? It doesnt label you as a member of the 'underclass' it just labels you as an eejit.

MilkNoSugarPlease Fri 06-Aug-10 12:31:06

Nope, YABU & YANBU are both very acceptable answers here

Except when your being a which case YABU

And text speak is ridiculous...are you texting? no...use English then

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 12:31:46

Jesus lord. this is so funny, outrage over txt speak.

I like to type fast - text type allows me to do this, if a member on a decent minded peoples forum (like the one i regularly post on) sincerely asked me to right properly then i would but after the way i have been treated by people on this thread i wouldnt consider wasting my time. and i dont think many people would.
the crap about it being for the sake of dyslexic people is rubbish, it was just another excuse for u to attack and u all know it.

knickers0nmyhead Fri 06-Aug-10 12:32:57

the thing is ym, if, when pointed out re text speak, you would of said 'oh sorry, I honestly didnt know about the readers etc' and then started typing correctly, I think you would of gotten a much better response.
As it is though, you decided that you were going to do it anyway, with absolutely no consideration for anyone but yourself, which actually makes you quite selfish.
I think you knew that you would get a bollocking.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 06-Aug-10 12:35:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

omnishambles Fri 06-Aug-10 12:37:32

Yes but YM in an online community there are always ways of doing things and thats just the way here - like at your other forum everyone uses text speak.

I actually find it much easier to touch type normally than I would using abbreviations - I would be there for blooming hours...

slhilly Fri 06-Aug-10 12:42:40

So YummyMummy, I count at least 10 to 20 responses that contained only positive advice and had no side to them. I include my own 2 in that. You have not replied to any of those directly, so far as I can see. You've only replied to the posts from people who are antagonising you. Why?

Emigrating to Canada? Really? Put your application in have you? Wheels in motion? PhD tucked under your arm? 10k in your purse? I'm going to assume that's why you can't afford a baby gate... hmm

Full o' shite.

Two unplanned pregnancies from a barely literate, self-professed Maths genius?

arses Fri 06-Aug-10 12:48:43

Every single time someone comments about grammar - unless they have genuinely mentioned their own dyslexia in a bid for clarity of communication - there is a snobbery implicit in the comment.

If the message makes any sort of sense, it is grammatically correct from a linguistic point of view. The outrage at text speak is socially derived - regardless of the background of the person who is outraged. Sociolinguistics 101. Text speak is a form of non-standard English, most associated with young people and/or those who are working class. Would you consider the use of other forms of non-standard English equally outrageous - e.g. the Yorkshire person who says '9 while 5', the South Londoner who pronounces the 'th' as a 'f', the Irish person who says 'will we' instead of 'shall we'?

There is no good reason to believe that if we write in standard English that has any bearing on the conceptual level of the message. You could explain the theory of relativity in text speak if that floated your boat: the fact that I wouldn't understand it does not make the message any less complex.

I deplore the idea we should disguise our background and education when we write on an internet forum - as though there is something shameful about not being university-educated or well-to-do. If people choose to judge me on my grammar, my education or my background, the issue is theirs - not mine. I understand the necessity for the use of standard English at interview, in legal matters, in journalistic pieces, academic and report writing.. but this is a forum, for God's sake. Making a stand about someone's grammar in this context is simply rude.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 06-Aug-10 12:51:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 06-Aug-10 12:55:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arses Fri 06-Aug-10 12:55:44

StewieGriffinsMom, you are generalising about dyslexia.

I work with secondary students with severe and profound dyslexia related to speech and language impairment in a unit in a mainstream school. Some of these students actually rely heavily on text speak due to its phonetic nature: one has programmed his AAC device using texts peak as it's easier for him to remember how to get his message across e.g. gr8 vs having to deal with the complicated diphthong 'ea' which can be pronounced ay as in great, e as in read, ee as in read/dear etc. Same with 'y' for 'why' etc.

omnishambles Fri 06-Aug-10 12:58:14

Thanks for the really quite patronising lesson arses. Lets have you rewrite that all in text speak and see how long it takes and if anyone can understand it at all which is surely the point.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 06-Aug-10 12:59:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arses Fri 06-Aug-10 13:02:15

I didn't say you were a snob, I said that all outrage at sociolinguistic difference is socially motivated.

I don't see your point with reference to disability issues related to text speak - the writing style of MN is equally exclusionary for the young people I work with, for example. We don't exactly do 'plain English' here but that's the nature of the board: I could equally say to you should members with poor sight be prioritised over potential members with limited vocabularies or who struggle to read long and complex sentences despite having high performance IQ's?

Personally, I can't do textspeak that well, despite the kids I work with needing it. I don't like it either. However, I don't think it's okay to call people who use it 'ridiculous', 'eejits' etc - ironically, SGM, for the same reasons you don't like it.
Also, because I don't think it's okay to disparage people with a different linguistic style to your own: you have no idea why they have that style and it's frequently less of a choice than you might imagine.

arses Fri 06-Aug-10 13:04:37

Cross posted, I see your point about text software. However, I don't believe most people who have a fit about it do it for that reason. They do it because it makes them feel superior. I don't like that.

Is that too patronising for you omnishambles?

"high performance IQs" + "writing like an uneducated fool" are usually mutually exclusive.

Forgive me if I fall in to the "snob" category, but as another poster earlier pointed out - if it's got feathers...

YummyMummy1208 Fri 06-Aug-10 13:06:10

StewieGriffinsMom i didnt realise u wernt 'decent minded people' until after posting this thread. hence the change in my attitude half way thru!

knickers0nmyhead i dont bow down and apologise to people who were already by this point being down right rude to me. i wouldnt degrade myself.

as soon as i started this thread i had 'i feel sorry for ur poor OH!!' comments coming back at me which straight away was an over reaction. hence how this thread developed.

If you people had simply responded in a decent tone and said something like 'i understand its hard to let go of the control on something so precious as ur child but think how u are probably making ur OH feel...' then u would have gotten a better response back urselves. but u just jumped down my throat.

omnishambles Fri 06-Aug-10 13:08:24

Am not sure thats the case arses - I think the language of the board forms part of its coherence - it offers a way for MN members to bond and anything outside of it becomes 'other' in sociological terms.

Maybe the 'fullspeak' enables members to manage the relationships much as they do in RL through the sorts of methods examined in discourse studies.

I think txtspeak is a choice a lot of the time for most people just as lots of my black friends have different 'voices' for different social situations - a street voice and an office voice.

I quite like the way that substance previals over quite a lot of style here. Of course YM could stick it out and be the only txtspeaker - much as cod did/does with her spelling but I think it unlikely.

<rambled and lost plot>

omnishambles Fri 06-Aug-10 13:10:57

Its not a superior thing arses its an ingroup thing. Noone cares who is in or out of the group but the group communicates within the rules.

arses Fri 06-Aug-10 13:11:07

SkiHorseWonaWean - "high performance IQ's" + "writing like an undeducated fool" = Specific Language Impairment or aphasia after very specific brain damage.

6% of the population have speech, language and communication disorders that impact upon their written communication.

Some of those "uneducated fools" also have lower performance IQ's, which I guess makes them entirely unworthy as human beings.

But I digress.

arses Fri 06-Aug-10 13:14:53

I understand that omnishambles: I adhere to it too, I write differently here than I do elsewhere (though no textspeak for me).

I don't even mind people objecting to its use - I just cringe when I see people say things like YABU for your grammar, or shock at your grammar or the name-flinging e.g. ridiculous, eejits etc etc.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 06-Aug-10 13:19:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.