....to not want to give money as a wedding gift?

[LucyLouLou]

Asking on behalf of my sister, I'm wondering what you guys would do?

She has been invited to a wedding at the beginning of next year and the couple are asking for money instead of presents. My sister is not keen on doing this and would prefer something more personal. I gather she is not alone in this, I have heard others say this as well. One of the other guests thinks it's like buying a ticket for the wedding. My sister will comply with the request, but she (and I quote) thinks it's "tacky". I personally like buying gifts from a wedding list, but I get that these days, most couples don't need things like kettles and toasters as they have lived together for some time before getting married. Some people going to this wedding are not going to give money though, not sure what they are going to do, possibly give nothing, I don't know.

Opinions, anyone? TIA .

[minipie]

I don't mind giving money if it's going to something specific like the honeymoon or a new kitchen.

I'm not so keen on just funding someone's coffee (or whatever) habit though.

Why not give vouchers for a shop they like? Gives the couple the choice of what to spend it on but at least you know it's not going to be frittered.

[PiggyMad]

Will be interested to hear replies as we're getting married next year and were thinking of asking for Debenhams vouchers or money to put towards new house furniture as we're buying our first home shortly after the wedding (fingers crossed!).
Wasn't sure about having a small gift list too for those who may be offended by the request?

[samsonara]

I don't like being asked for money as a wedding gift, but I did give in and do that last year,now I have another one soon who also wants money, and it's not for anything specific, just a way for them to recoup some of what they will have spent, it's becoming more popular and annoying!

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

This subject is always guaranteed to split MN! Personally I have no problem whatsoever in giving money - I would much rather the B and G used it to fund something they really needed, rather than another gift that sits in the cupboard and is never used. Tokens are a compromise if you're looking for a solution, but I'd rather go for what they'd asked for really.

[cheesesarnie]

ignore it,tell her to buy what she wants!i hate being told what you can and cant buy!

[minipie]

I think that would work well Piggy

Or you could say "of course please feel free to get us something of your own choosing should you prefer" (Some people esp the older generation will do this anyway...)

[diddl]

I´d rather give vouchers than cash.

Even if they´d lived together, you´d think that there might be something they might want-DVDs, CDs, towels, bedding....

[LucyLouLou]

minipie - I mentioned to her about the vouchers, I would feel happier with that myself I think. She's having a think about it at the moment, I think she really dislikes the money thing and I can see why tbh.

PiggyMad - this isn't the only wedding I've heard of doing the money not presents tactic and it always seems to cause some controversy. How would you manage the small gift list? Who would get that and who would get the money/voucher request? I'm curious as to how you would manage it .

[Clayhead]

I would just ignore it. I've never given cash or bought off a wedding list.

[5DollarShake]

Good friends of ours have asked for JL vouchers (on the basis of making it easy for people), but as they are good friends we feel (personally ) that that is a bit impersonal, and so have bought them an actual gift. We know they don't have it already.

We would just rather give them something tangible, plus the thing with money/vouchers is that you end up look tight or flash, depending on how much you give. Or pressured into giving more than you can afford if you don't want to look tight.

We just wanted to give them something they could back on, and they're both lovely people, so we know they won't get precious about not getting the vouchers and will appreciate a gift with some thought put into it.

[eatingforthree]

I don't think its more 'tacky' to ask for money than to ask for things off a list. I don't especially like buying random things because I feel like I am filling up someone else's house with clutter. I like a list best, then money for a purpose, then something of my own choosing.
A close friend is getting married in a few weeks and hasn't asked for anything but I know she wants money for their honeymoon. They already live together and aren't well off so money is better for them than 15000 photo frames. I am giving her money and I am also making her a recipe book with all the things shes asked for recipes for over the years that I have procrastinated over.

The thing is though, I love her and I want her to be happy and be able to afford the very modest honeymoon that she wants to have. This outweighs any breach of ettiquette imo. If I didn't care enough about her to want her to have what she wants then I wouldn't care enough to choose something personal iykwim.

[ethelina]

Get them what they want, its the one time in their life when its ok for them to ask. Give them the amount you would have chosen to spend on a gift. At least you know they can do something useful with it. And if they choose to spend it on wedding bits, or a weeks shopping at Tescos or 50 pairs of knickers, good for them.

We had B&Q vouchers for ours btw. Concrete blocks and tonne bags of sand were much more useful to us than coffee machines and matching crockery.

[PiggyMad]

something along the lines of 'all we ask is for your presence, not your presents. However if you would like to offer us a gift we have a small gift list with ..., but as we are hoping to buy our first home together after the wedding, gift vouchers or money contributions towards larger household items would be most gratefully received.'
What do you think??
I have quite a few student/low income friends so would probably just give them gift list, whereas our families know we would prefer vouchers and money so would be fine with that.
It's a minefield!!

[Porcelain]

We are asking for cash towards our honeymoon, which due to baby will be several months after - we were going to do a honeymoon list (some travel agents do really good ones) but we can't really organise that too much with the unknown quantity of a new baby to take into account.

We are also suggesting vouchers (for home improvement). We don't need anything from a list, we have just cleared the house of clutter so we really don't want anymore.

I am hoping that phrasing the "request" along the lines of "we have no need of presents right now, but if you feel you would like to give us something, we are saving for our honeymoon and would gladly accept small contributions" won't be too offensive.

Personally I always thought a wedding list was a bit like giving cash or vouchers anyway, they knew how much it cost when they put it on there, they are just cutting out the middle man.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Porcelain, it sounds good to me . I think you'll always get people who bristle at the mention of cash, but don't let it get to you.

[minipie]

Sounds fine piggy but from a practical perspective, I suspect that would mean most of your guests will go straight to the small gift list... meaning they will "use up" all the gift list items and everyone else (including perhaps some who don't like to give vouchers/money) will have nothing on the gift list left to buy!

tricky eh!

how about:

'all we ask is for your presence, not your presents. However if you would like to offer us a gift, we are hoping to buy our first home together after the wedding, so gift vouchers or money contributions towards larger household items would be most gratefully received. Alternatively we have a small gift list with X, please ask us for details"

[breatheslowly]

I would rather give money. With a wedding list you are risking them ending up with half a dinner service, or people buying them the less preferred presents on the list. I also discovered that you can take gift list stuff back and swap for vouchers, so I wouldn't guarantee that whatever you get them will actually remain in their house.

I get quite judgey about the stuff on people's lists - why have they chosen a dinner service that cost 3x what ours did, you can't dishwash and has a £160 tureen? If you're going to drink champagne, shouldn't you buy nicer flutes than that? Aren't sheets a rather intimate gift? Actually I rather like gift lists now I think about it .

At our wedding the only people who said "we wanted to buy you something personal" bought us a bottle of champagne, which wasn't very personal at all.

[PiggyMad]

That's a good idea minipie putting 'ask for details' then hopefully people won't bother

[Astrophe]

I can't remember the web address, but there is a website where you can make a wedding gifty list and add either specific items (ie, brand, colour etc) or general items (eg "3 beach towels"), and can also list particular items you would like to recidve gifts towards, eg you want money towards buying a lounge. I think this is the best of all worlds surely?

I'll try to find the www for it...

[minipie]

Hi Porcelain

There are some gift list websites (eg Bliss List or Bottom Drawer) that allow you to list out certain items (you can make them up) and then people can pay for those items. So you could do eg:

• contribution towards our flights to whisk us away from England ... £x
• contribution towards our honeymoon hotel room, we may never leave ... £x
• champagne for our first night ... £x
• massage treat ... £x
• night of babysitting so we can have a romantic dinner a deux ... £x

etc

it's a bit more fun for your guests than giving cash perhaps? Just an idea though. Personally I'd have no problems giving just cash towards a honeymoon.

[minipie]

indeed Piggy

Astrophe cross posted, I think we have the same idea.

[LucyLouLou]

minipie - your point was exactly why I asked about the small gift list. I guess if you only send out a gift list to a few, that would work, but then you're running the risk of some guests getting offended they didn't get the list or vice versa.

Like I said, I'm really not keen on money, but then I'm not really comfortable asking for stuff from people anyway. I have had a couple of friends offer to give me a baby shower at some point in the next few months, but I don't like the idea of this either!

[emptyshell]

I dislike the requests for money immensely - it removes all element of choice and personality from gifts. My SiL sent a letter out with her invites basically saying "I don't trust that any shop anyone would give me vouchers from won't go bust so we'd like cash only please" - it really really rankled, especially as she's the sort who would have sat and discussed who'd given what with her mum.

I refused to have a gift list or anything when we got married - a few people gave gifts of time and skills (brother did the photos, another relative made the cake), some people gave us cheques which went on wardrobes and housey stuff (despite living together for years - we didn't actually have any wardrobes in our bedroom and spent each morning streaking to the fitted ones in the spare room to get dressed), some people gave us gift vouchers for different places, some people didn't bring anything - we didn't get married to harvest presents, we got married to be with each other and that's why I left it completely open to people. Surprisingly - not a toaster or set of crystal in sight (could really use some fancy glasses as well... although with my husband's track record of clumsiness - best not!).

The most random present we got was a jokey one from the best man who'd just moved to Inverness and came bearing a Nodding Nessie who now has pride of place in the car - it just made us laugh so much and it's such a daft little reminder of the day!

It's just something I have an immense personal dislike of - I don't like wedding lists in general.