to want DS to spend whole of Xmas Day with me and my family when he spent whole of Xmas day with ex and her family last year?

[timehealsall]

?

[qwertpoiuy]

Please tell me you weren't married then!

[qwertpoiuy]

Sorry, I misread that - apologies!

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

Can't you spend some of the day all together? I cant imagine anything worse than a child not spending Christmas with both parents. I think it was unfair for you not to have seen him last year, but there's got to be a compromise surely?

[qwertpoiuy]

I thought you said your DH spent Xmas with his ex and their family!

[PommePoire]

Not lacking in sympathy timehealsall FWIW I think your DS should spend Christmas Day with you and your family. But for the love of sweet Jesus and all the baby chickens - it's not even August! I can't believe there is a Christmas thread on AIBU already!

[GypsyMoth]

yanbu

so how will it happen?

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Hmmmm - difficult one. I don't think YABU but it may depend on the circumstances.

My DH's ex is single and has no other dc's so if me and my DH were to have dsd for xmas day, then she would be on her own (well, with her family but no dc's or dp). We have 2 other dc's so, whilst we would love to have dsd for xmas (and actually suspect at some point she may want to spend a xmas day with us and her half siblings), at the moment, she has spent every xmas day with her mum and her family.

We do have her for 5 days before and we spend that with her paternal grandparents etc. We hand over at around 5pm on xmas eve.

FWIW, my parents were divorced and I used to have xmas lunch with mum and xmas tea with dad. DH's parents were also divorced and he did alternate years and I believe that, all things being equal, a court would tend to grant alternate years

[CoronaAndLime]

I would not let my Ds spend all xmas day with his Dad.
Dh and I look after Ds 24/7.We are the ones who get up in the night if he is ill, cook his dinner, tell him off if he is bad ect ect whilst my ex pops up a few times a year and cant be bothered to remember Dses bithday.

If he wasnt such a twunt and was a 'real' parent to him then things would be different.

if you are in it for the good and the bad then you have every right to want to shair xmas and birthdays

[Lonnie]

YANBU however cant you have a pleasant conversation and work something out? if it is the situation she will be without anyone dear and close could she come visit him at your house for a few hours?

[starkadder]

I don't know if YABU or not but please, whatever you do, don't let your DS know that this is an issue - because he will feel guilty, and torn, and unhappy about it.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

I think the best thing would be for you and your ex to get together on xmas day for the child.

However, if one or both of you now have a new partner and perhaps kids, then that simply would not be an option.

I don't think that the mother has some sort of right to christmas day. So alternating seems fair.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Depends why you broke up imo. If, for ex, you had an affair and buggered off, I would think it very harsh for you to want to take the child from its mother at Christmas. If, on the other hand, it was your ex who ended the marriage with unreasonable behaviour, then you shouldn't suffer more than you already have.

Ideally, your DC should be able to see you both at Christmas. If neither of you were at fault and the relationship just ran its course, then taking it in turns seems reasonable

[midori1999]

YANBU, but that doesn't mean it will happen. My DH's ex wife has never allowed him to have the children for Christmas day or New Years either. He would like to see the children at Christmas, but has never really learnt to stand up to his ex wife. He saw them last year, but only because he travelled to see them for 5 days and I stayed at home on my own.

In contrast, my ex is welcome to have our DC at Christmas whenever he likes, providing the children want to go. (which they have done so far). I figure I get to see them all the time and he has time off work at Christmas, so it's practical for him to see them then.

Neither mine nor DH's ex live near us, so kids seeing both parents just isn't possible.

[TottWriter]

YANBU. My parents separated when I was eight, and we used to alternate. One year we'd be at my Mum's, the next we'd stay at my Dad's. The trade off was that whoever got Christmas didn't get New Year, so the holidays were split roughly evenly.

It was one of the few nice things about my parents divorce actually, because as a child I of course loved celebrating Christmas twice.

[timehealsall]

Hey Mumsnetters, thanks for your replies, some interesting things to think about.

For the record, and in no particular order:

1. Christmas is on the agenda because we're working out arrnagements for last 3 months of year so we can plan our weekends ahead, etc

1. DS is 2 and half so not really able to make a decision himself at this point, but he seems to love being with both sets of grandparents

1. As a Dad I have my son every other weekend for all weekend, every single Monday for the whole day and evening (I have flexible working arrangements) and I take holidays to be with him and babysit as much as I can to help ex out - I'd actually love a 50 / 50 split of child care, but there are some issues there - that's a whole different thread! Anyway I am totally committed to him, love him to bits and we work fairly well together as a combined parenting force to give him consistent boundaries / disicipline, development, etc

1. I broadly agree that if we can find a way to share Christmas it would be ace, but maybe after this 1 because my folks and I had a fairly sombre affair last year, and they have been so supportive and fantastic to me that I would love them as well as me to have the benefit of a whole day this Christmas - obviously it is also about me too though, don't go thinking I'm totally selfless!

1. My ex's family do have more members to run around and have fun with him - I'm an only child, she has brothers and a little cousin too. But imho his Christmas experience would be different but just as fun, not least because my folks go to a church with a good community spirit so he'd spend some of his Xmas morning with us running around with the other toddlers hunting Xmas pressies as part of that whole thing. I think this may be where some issues come from as it's fair to say both me and ex struggled at times to understand each other's families (one of our issues) and she's kind of saying he'd have more fun with her family in the morning than at church with my parents - not sure about that, possibly it would just be different fun?

1. My ex left me, not because of an affair but because of unreasonable behaviour on my part - I was difficult to live with at times (wrapped up in myself and selfish) and I can now see (counselling / therapy) that I was verbally abusive in an unacceptable way TOO often, not just with words but voracity of anger. Splitting wasn't what I wanted and I lost my wife BUT fortunately the split came early enough for me to never have been that way with DS and I will be working very hard to make sure I am never like that with him.

1. I would absolutely love to sit down and talk this through but at the mo we're doing pretty well on day to day parenting communication face to face but other stuff (finances, arrangements, divorce, etc) seems confined to email - bit dangerous imho, easy to misinterpret. However this is understandable as even after a year it's still pretty raw for her and she does feel she had to make a decision she never wanted to make.

1. However in conclusion this thread has really helped me think about the situation and I think I might have some ideas for compromises to suggest - mainly that although it does feel fairer for us to have whole day this time round, perhaps it's worth letting go of the afternoon so he gets church and lunch with us and then moves on to ex and family. Thanks again, I really do appreciate your time.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

OP - just wanted to say that if you ex is as reasonable as you sound, then you should have no problems working some sort of compromise out. Good luck

[Rocklover]

It's not possible for my ex H and myself to share custody on Christmas day as we live a good 4 hours drive away from each other.

We have come to an arrangement where one year she spends Christmas with one of us and the next year vice versa. And whoever doesn't have her at Christmas, has her on her birthday (which is the 1st of Jan). Not ideal (or completely enjoyable for either me or ex), but practicalities must and obviously we both want to spend special times with her.

Is there any way you can work out some sort of arrangement in a similar vein?

[Rocklover]

I should add my DD is 5 and seems happy to be with either parent and this is one of the reasons the arrangement works well for her.

[hairytriangle]

Can I just pick u up in something? You don't baby sit your own child. That implies you have no duty of care. Babysitting is when someone other than a parent cares for the child fir short periods of time.

[LadySanders]

ds1 alternates xmas day one year with his dad and stepmum, next one with me. has done since he was 4. works fine and he gets 2 xmas days, effectively, cos the other parent always does something with him on boxing day.

[timehealsall]

hairytriangle - good point, think "babysit" was a figure of speech - just to re-assure you I'm very glad of the extra opportunities to spend time with DS

tillyscoutsmum - very kind, but don't forget I'm hardly likely to paint a picture of myself on here as a knob - we have our downs sorting things out and I cause some of those downs!