Mumsnet Talk

I have DS (25MO) and DD (12MO).
I live alone Monday to Friday and don't get any much help from DH on weekends.

The house and kids are MY job.

I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I love being able to be at home with them.

my DH works hard and provides for us all financially - he has two DDs from a previous relationship too. (which I know is important as his father didn't do it for him)

But, I'm feeling a bit because it would seem he really doesn't think I DO anything.

I read threads on here about how being at home with kids is harder than anything, and certainly his ex has demanded live-in au-pairs while her kids were young.

But, somehow, I'm just expected to get on with it. I do enjoy being with them. I don't find it a massive hardship at all. I really don't. But, it's still a 24/7 job and I'd like a little recognition.

I do appreciate that his job is very difficult and he needs time off... but he doesn't seem to feel the same...

I don't want to really change the situation... I am happy with my life, but I'd like him to appreciate my input into our family.

AIBU? (I don't think so) and how do I go about changing it? (Without a massive argument?)

OK, tomorrow, Saturday, say to him "I'm off out for the day...see you at about 5pm" and GO!!!

He will soon realise what a tough job you have.

we all need a break sometimes

YANBU

though i had this from my DH (I am 37 weeks pg, have dcs 18 mo and almost 3y) and my adult way of handling itwas to cry until he apologised.

tanterose - while I'd like to do that, it's not possible. The kids are my responsibilty. He has a physio appt. tomorrow so it's not going to happen.

HIm looking after them tomorrow is a no-go. (and, yes, I would like to point out that if I needed an appt, I just have to do it around the kids)

I don't mind looking after them, I just want a little appreciation.

Better yet, get a weekend away planned for yourself and your Mum/Sister/Best Friend and see how he copes for two full days.

Until he's had to look after the children and house on his own, he won't know what it's like. Should make him appreciate you a bit more.

Children are the responsiblity of both parents. Does this mean that you never get any time to yourself at all? Ever?

If he won't acknowledge your contribution to family life when you point it out nicely then I'm afraid you will have to have the massive argument.
Because acknowledgement and appreciation of each other's roles, whatever they are, is absolutely vital in a marriage. You appreciate his financial contribution, correctly, and he should return the favour. You will end up feeling more and more taken for granted and unhappy, and tbh if he thinks you have it so easy he will end up feeling resentful of you, which is not a recipe for mutual respect and affection. So this is an issue that needs sorting before it leads to major trouble in the marriage.

As an aside I would not be happy with his shirking at weekends, either, however that may be an argument for another day.

The kids are not YOUR sole responsibility...you are both their parents.

Do you never get to go and get your hair done, or go shopping by yourself?? Or just go for a walk without the children??

cakeywakey - No, I never ever get a break from the kids. I can count the nights I've had off from the kids on one hand.

2 nights away from DS when I was having DD and 2 night away since (but both with DH.. parents looking after kids)

I get a lie in one morning on a weekend until 7am. DH gets up with DD (she gets up at 5am) but I have to get up with DS and give them breakfast.

Dh doesn't feed them.

If you had a physio appt would he have the kids? His attitude that the "kids are your responsiblity" needs changing fast".

And everyone in whatever job they do is entitled to some time off. With two small kids I bet you never get a lunch or coffee break as people who work outside the home do.

You need to go away as other posters say for a weekend and leave him to cope. Then he will realise what you do..... (make sure there is no food in, the washing needs doing, etc so he gets the real idea!!)

Literally do nothing for a few days - no shopping, cooking or cleaning.

Stay in your jammies and buy yourself a big box of chocolates to eat in front of daytime TV.

Show him what it means to be nothing so that he can contrast and compare.

Message withdrawn

"Dh doesn't feed them"

he is taking the piss.

tell him there are yoghurts/fruit/toast in the kitchen and LEAVE HIM to do it...

ok so he has a physio appt, fair enough, can you do it sunday then?

I do agree this feeling needs to be sorted out asap, or the resentment will build up.

There is just no way I can do that, MMe.. I am with them, alone, for 5 days so responsbile for all shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.,

There is no way I can't do this.

he would go ballistic if the house was a mess when he got home.

I'm really not after him to DO anything.. I'm after him to appreciate that I DO DO something other than sit around drinking tea and getting my feet up.

And, no, to whoever asked, I never get to get my hair done or go shopping or go for a walk alone.

sorry, I don't mean leave him - he needs a kick up the backside, not divorce papers

Message withdrawn

He won't appreciate you until he has experienced it - because, sadly, he doesn't seem to have the imagination to put himself in your shoes.

I will agree with what the others have said - go away for the weekend.

I've seen too many relationships slide into resentment/anger/no sex OR women getting totally and utterly used to this unfair situation. It's not fair on you or your children

Harimo- your dh works 5 days a week. right?
you work 7. right?

How in Heaven's name is that fair? He is their father, so childcare duties need to be split 50/50 when he is at home. That way you are both contributing equally to the family. At the moment, I don't see how he can possibly think of you as an equal.

Oh, I'm digging here, aren't I?

Last time I left him with both kids, he didn't feed them. Even though I left it on the side for him with spoons.

I haven't left him with them again.

He gets stressed and shouts at them, which I don't like.

Get a cleaner as well. And if he "goes ballistic" if the house is in a mess when he gets home, then clearly he has no idea. That's actually quite worrying...

BTW, I speak as a SAHM, who has had her share of "I'm tireder than you" conversations with my DH.

Harimo, I feel very for you. You have an identity away from being a Mum and need time and space to yourself just like any adult.

Your husband is not treating you with enough respect for the bloody hard work that you do, especially if you are on your own all week.

My DH works ridiculously long hours in the week so I do everything around the house and care for DD (as well as working part-time although am currently on mat leave), but at the weekend we are a team and pull together. We both get one lie-in (until 10am at least) and both cook, do chores and look after DD. And each of us has a few hours to ourselves .

Having children is a joint decision and a joint responsibility. Your DH is being grossly unfair.

sad?!? I would kick his arse from here to kingdom come

he is being self-involved and ignorant.

Maybe you should just DO nothing for a few days and see how he likes it.

Message withdrawn

I think you are a pushover and feel a bit sorry for you but am not going to offer you advice because I think you are playing the "why dont you" "yes, but" game.

If you like it, stop moaning, if you dont, change it. Not much else to say.