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AIBU?

to be pissed off w. dh re the answers he put on a questionnaire about me?

20 replies

adhdmum · 13/07/2010 11:04

I am undergoing testing for ADHD. Part of this is having to fill out a very long and detailed questionnaire (mostly multi choice).

This is done online and when it's complete you send it, then it's gone and you no longer hacve access.

Another part was a Q for dh to fill in about me. He filled it in without any input from me, but I asked if I could read what he'd put, out of interest to see his view of me.

He let me read it, and I am so pissed off by some of his answers, as I genuinely think they could first of all sway the doctor as to my condition, and secondly make my answers look like a load of lies.

I told him I was amazed at some of his responses, but he refused to discuss it and clicked send, so it is now in the doctors hands.

I am massively pissed off as

  1. I think several of his answers were incorrect and could well sway doc.
  2. It makes me out to be a liar or just plain deluded.
  3. He didn't care enough to take 2 minutes to discuss and hear me out and just sent it off
  4. I genuinely think he doesn't know me very well based on some of his resonses.


For clarity,, examples to Q where I object to his answers are -

When you are talking with your wife, do you ever get the feeling she does not/is not listening to you.

He answered 'No' from the choice yes, no, sometimes. Now EVERY SINGLE TIME we argue, every time withou fail, he'll shout at me, "You're not listening to me" Every time.

Does your wife often leave things unfinished or forgotten leaving a trail of chaos and distruction. (rough translation) He answered No (again from choice of yes, no or sometimes)

Only last week I finally persuaded him to help me with the paperwork. We uncovered a reminder for a very important letter, the original I've lost that was a month late, a really importent bill that was 2 months late, the contract for our holiday which I'd forgotten to sign and send back and forgotten to pay for, amongst many other things including over a years worth of bank statements waiting to be filed.

One last example. Is she impatient? He answers no, well, he bloody doesn't bloody know me at all.



And there were many many such examples, to the point I feel he may have jeopardised my dx & treatment with the doc.

I was too angry last night to discuss with him. Don't know if it's worth it as it's done now and sent. I feel really hurt and angry.

AIBU? Or should I just accept his (bizarre) take on things?
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Deliaskis · 13/07/2010 11:43

I can see why you disagree with him on some of these issues, but surely the whole point of getting a family member to answer questions about you is to see if your perception of how you are matches what other people see?

It sounds like you feel that the example e.g. with the paperwork would positively indicate that you do have ADHD-related difficulties, but your DH might see what happened as no big deal - a mistake that anyone could make (I know I have on numerous occasions).

It is clearly very important to you that the questionnaire shows the full extent of the difficulties you are experiencing, and it will, as presumably that is what you have answered. I'm not saying you are wrong and he is right, or vice versa, just that the screening will have been designed this way for a reason and the results will be analysed in context, so the fact that some of his answers disagree with yours is in itself useful for your healthcare team.

Try not to worry, as I am sure there will be opportunity for you to discuss any concerns you may have in the future.

I hope this helps and that I haven't offended.

D

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adhdmum · 13/07/2010 11:47

no, I very much appreciate your comments. So do I carry on as normal and say nothing, or can I have a right go at him, and next time we argue (presumably when I have a go at him) and he says "you're not listening to me" I can say, YOu don't really think that do you tosser?

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AMumInScotland · 13/07/2010 11:54

I'm sure the people who look through these questionnaires will realise that the person who filled them out may have a different view of things, and not decide you don't need help just because of your DHs answers.

I don't think you should get mad at him, or sit and stew till you argue again. But sit and calmly explain to him that you were concerned his answers may have given a wrong impression of you, because you do feel that you struggle over the issues that were mentioned, like not listening, or not finishing tasks. And then focus on listening to his answer - he probably feels you are no worse than other people at these things, or else he's used to your ways and doesn't focus on these issues so didn't think they were worth mentioning on the form.

Does he understand why you feel you need to pursue a diagnosis? Maybe he isn't sure what the benefit would be, or why it matters to you.

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mayorquimby · 13/07/2010 11:54

yabu
he didn't want to discuss them because the point of the questionaire was to get his answers and perspectives. not so that he would answer them, then have to justify them or give you the chance to edit/influence him.

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Deliaskis · 13/07/2010 11:58

Am giggling a little bit about how that coud end up 'but said I do listen to you, and you weren't listening to me when I said you say I don't listen to you when in fact I do'...'but you weren't listening to me when I said that you said you weren't listenting when ...' ....v confusing.

Honestly though, I would let it go now, it is part of the process, but it is not the only part of the process.

D

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Prinpo · 13/07/2010 12:15

I can understand why you're worried that he's jeopardised your possible diagnosis but I agree with other posters that it's only part of the assessment process. If you feel strongly, then perhaps you could point out to the clinician the examples of your behaviour you've highlighted in your OP.

One thought that occurred to me is whether your dh could be worried about you getting a diagnosis. Does he prefer to minimise problems? Do you think that he feels worried about what a diagnosis would mean? Perhaps it's easier for him to stick his head in the sand and say "no, no, everything's fine", rather than be open about what's going on and face up to the consequences. From your OP, you seem keen to get a diagnosis, presumably because it would lead to some intervention and treatment that would be helpful for you. Maybe for him a diagnosis represents something else and is quite a threatening prospect.

I don't know, and I may be talking bollocks but it may be worth considering.

Good luck with your assessment.

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Chil1234 · 13/07/2010 12:21

I think the minute you asked to look at the questionnaire you were never going to like what you read.

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adhdmum · 13/07/2010 12:24

Thanks. I am getting checked out as my ds has got adhd dx and I've read up a lot lot lot over a long period of time and feel pretty certain I have it. I am keen to get help for 2 reasons. Firstly because I am so chaotic and every day brings struggles directly caused by classic adhd type behiours (losing things, forgetting things, being late etc etc) it is a huge strain. And also a lot of what I've read re helping children deal with their adhd calls for helping them re organiisation, calm routines at home etc, and I am not at all in a position to help my ds. I send him to school when it's shut, I forget to give him money for school trips, I forget to get him equipment he needs for school, I struggle to fathom out his timetable/homework so cannot help him with it, and he has a lot of problems. I figure I owe it to him and the family to get myself under control so I can in turn help ds. I am not joking, everyday is a struggle., so yes, I feel getting help is important and feel annoyed dh seems to have totally ignored many of my problems. Yet he's happy to go off on one when I do loose or forget something. (I luckily found the contract for the holiday and hid it from him before he found out I didn't sign and pay, and luckily they didn't sell it on, otherwise I could've been explaining to him how we couldn't go on our summer holiday this year...) But I seem to be relying an awful lot on good luck and late payment reminders. It doesn't always work out.

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adhdmum · 13/07/2010 12:29

maybe chil1234, but what gets me is he says in Q that I don't have problems with XYZ, then yells at me and has a
go at me for the exact behaviours he's telling the doctor I don't have, eg I don't have problems forgetting stuff/not doing stuff/not listening blah blah blah. He tells doc I don't have problems with this yet tells me off for exactly these things!

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Bestb411pm · 13/07/2010 12:32

YABU, and I agree with the poster who said that you were not going to like what you saw from the minute you asked.

The questionnaire was to be filled in by him and not influenced by you at all if I'm understanding correctly.

If you don't think he's comprehending how much you're struggling maybe that's a communication issue - how often have you sat down and talked through it calmly compared to how often you've bought things up defensively in a disagreement? Not everybody is empathetic and observant naturally. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and perhaps try to have a proper conversation about what you're stuggling with.

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Rollmops · 13/07/2010 13:16

How would your 'condition' be treated? What sort of meds are you so desperate to get on? Is there a financial gain, in form of disability allowance or whatever it's called, in cards?
Just curious...

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adhdmum · 13/07/2010 13:24

'desperate' to get on meds? financial gain?

How odd and rude.

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MathsMadMummy · 13/07/2010 13:25

YANBU to be upset but maybe he was trying to be nice?

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Rollmops · 13/07/2010 13:31

A quick Google and ..

www.disabilitysecrets.com/page1-9.html

"...an adult diagnosed with attention problems (ADD/ADHD) may potentially be entitled to receive Social Security disability or disability benefits from SSI as well..."

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Prinpo · 13/07/2010 13:32

OP, your reasons for wanting a diagnosis seem entirely clear. Having read what a struggle it is for you to get through the day-to-day stuff, as well as your need to provide a calm, predictable environment, I really do wish you every luck in getting some help, whether it's in the form of a diagnosis and treatment or in some other way.

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tabouleh · 13/07/2010 13:46

OP - as an aside -have you ever seen the flylady website.

It is brilliant for people with ADHD.

Maybe start a thread in General Health about adult ADHD/ADD.

I think I have some tendancies. There is quite a lot of useful info on the internet (mostly American).

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adhdmum · 13/07/2010 13:51

yes, thank you I have, but unfortunately, the procrastination side of things wasn't helped iyswim.

thank you prinpo for your words.

it has helped to see IABU, and I won't mention it to dh, unless of course he has a go at me for these behaviours which I apparently don't have, in which case I can calmly tell him he's wrong as he himself has stated I don't do that.

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ljgibbs · 13/07/2010 14:06

Rollmops that is an american site.

ADHD YABU

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kickassangel · 13/07/2010 14:35

i think you need to talk to dh about this. there's two issues here

  1. you feel like you're not coping & it could have a medical root.
  2. why he put the answers he did, does he have a different perspective?


we have just done the same process for dd. they look at the different answers, then run the figures & see what % you get on certain sections (was it connors rating?). you could always contact the doc & ask if someone else could do the rating? dd had it done twice, a few months apart, but partly as she was changing classes during that time.

get on the sn boards here & ask for some help, people are v sympathetic.

YANBU
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peeringintothevoid · 13/07/2010 16:13

adhdmum Your description of your symptoms describes me absolutely. It never occurred to me that I've got ADHD though.

YABabitU; the point of the questionaire was to get another perspective on you; you didn't really have to right to dictate his answers. As others have said, maybe you need to sit down with him and explain how hard you're finding things.

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