To not want this?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Will try to keep this short. Split us with ex about 4 months ago, things pretty amicable and he sees dc every day. One of our dc has Autism.

Ex's parents live abroad, about a 7 hour flight away. We have never visited them while together basically because ex was a waster with money and couldn't get things together enough to make this happen.

He told me yesterday that his parents have offered to pay for him and ds - he has autism, to fly out to see them in this country.

My issues are this:

Last time ds stayed alone with a family member ie without me and ex this family members partner lost his temper with ds (does not understand about autism and doesn't believe he has it anyway and ended up being quite rough with ds. When I told MIL she said "well he can be quite naughty" justifying this person and how he dealt with ds. I just don't trust her anymore.

When ex gets with his Dad they drink a lot and basically turn into a pair of arses. Everything is about drink. All care would fall to MIL and they would be pissed every night. I would not be there to keep things on an even keel and keep ds away from seeing them drunk like that like I always did when together with ex, MIL and FIL do not have a problem with kids seeing this kind of thing, FIL and ex H used to get very drunk around ds when he was younger until I put a stop to it. To be clear MIL does not drink so much to excess but does not see a problem with "the Men" doing so.

I also have a DD believe it or not, she is 4 but considered to be to young to go on this trip and they have not offered for her anyway, probably because they know she wouldn't want to go right now as she is very clingy to me (because of things she saw with her father when we were still together I believe). I don't think it is a leaving out on purpose kind of thing.

So main care for an autistic child who MIL thought deserved a slap last time he was naughty with a member of her family would fall to her for the time ds is away with his dad.

I just do not feel comfortable with this, yes if ds was an hour away and could call me to pick him up but a 7 hour flight away??!

I feel that I am in effect banning ds from a fabulous experience but surely it would be safer and more appropriate for him to go when older and more able to take care of himself.

I also feel angry that this has been offered to ex without reference to me at all. It is as though now we are split I am of no consequence at all in the dc's life. I am aware that is probably my own petty issues though.

Sorry so long, please give me some opinions. AIBU?

[nickschick]

My friends son has autism.

He would not cope with change and this would upset him greatly.

I would say its a no go purely for health reasons and im sure your autism specialist would support this.

[boiledegg1]

YANBU to feel the way you do at all. Nickschick makes a valid point there as well. Is there any way that your ex's parents can use the money they would have spent to visit the UK instead?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Yes, they could, but they just have this thing about getting him out there.

He is high functioning and to appearances looks NT most of the time time but then will just go off and one and quite often to the uninitiated it will look as though nothing set it off but it usually be through some change or sensory overload that we just didn't notice. This is why various members of both our families believe him just to be being "naughty".

I am sure that he would have a couple of horrendous meltdowns when there just because of the change and difference and even his dad who is usually great with him sometimes labels him "spoilt" when he is like this.

I just feel 100% uncomfortable about him going there is not one thing that feels right about it.

[ChippingIn]

YANBU

If I were you, Ex, ExFil, ExMil would not be getting any time alone with DS - not even a few hours. If they don't even believe/understand his autism, I wouldn't trust them to look after him appropriately.

Not to mention the fact that I would be suspicious that they wouldn't return him to me.....

[sowhatis]

i would talk to your ex - and talk to your ds autism specialist/doctor.

if i felt that uncomfortable i wouldnt want him to go either.

[nickschick]

I am a nursery nurse and SEN was my 'thing'.

Id worked with lots of kids with varying degrees of autism and I can honestly say unless you live with it you dont know autism.

I help my friend a lot as her ds seems to think what I say is the law ,there have been times ive literally had to sit on him to stop him hurting himself and others and other times when ive had to crawl into a duvet tent to calm him.

His ways are so very different to a regular child and they vary day to day.

I cant offer him choice- he cant do choice.
he doesnt do empathy he lives in a very ego centric world.

he has no thoughts on social niceties and can be misconstrued.

his voice and vocal tones remain in one tone and can be quite inaprropriate.

He cannot do change in any way.

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Thanks, feel a bit better now, was worried it was just me being petty and bitter since the split.

To be fair to ex he is usually great and sympathetic with ds and his meltdowns but just every now and then he will say that it is a combination of ds being spoilt and his autism and we have to crack down on it, which really bugs me. I don't always have the courage of my own convictions. Ex was quite bullying when together, though he does absolutely adore his dc and is very committed to them, practically and financially.

[shimmerysilverglitter]

"His ways are so very different to a regular child and they vary day to day"

That is exactly it and family members just do not get it as he appears so High Functioning.

[nickschick]

my friends ex dh says their son is 'spoilt' how can you spoil a child with autism???

grrr.

glad hes good with the dc though.

[Hassled]

Have you talked to the Ex about this? You say the split was quite amicable - if you try to sit down to have a reasonable, rational talk about it, woudl that work? If you make it clear that you're not saying no forever, just that you think he's too young at the moment, would that help?

You don't have to bring the whole MIL/drinking stuff into it - just that your DS won't cope well. Plan B is that you say to your Ex you can't decide until you've spoken to SENCo/Some Professional for advice, and ask if he'll accept what the professional says.

[shimmerysilverglitter]

The split was not amicable unfortunately but we do deal with things fairly amicably now because of ds.

I did say I wouldn't be at all happy about it and he didn't say much, I think he hoped it might just slip past me but when I said no he didn't argue.

The thing is that we regularly go on holiday to Spain and ds has a fabulous time there so I think they are thinking this will be an even better holiday for him and I am just being petty by not letting him go on this one. To a certain extent I think he would enjoy it but it wouldn't be a good thing for him and I just do not trust the in laws to do the right thing for him. They don't know anything about ASD even though he has been diagnosed for over a year. They don't believe he has it so don't bother to find out about it.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

I don't think you are being petty. Even if he were NT, the fact that you don't trust them to deal with him sensitively is enough to veto it, IMO.

[umf]

YANBU. It sounds like a big trip for a 7 year old without his mother even without the ASD issue. In-laws refusal to recognise his diagnosis screams no to me. Especially with previous problems.

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Thank you all.

I really thought I would get flamed for not wanting this. As in "well he will be with his Dad etc and he has as much right to parent his child" etc. I was quite scared about posting but wanted honesty.

Feel a lot more confident about it now.

[scurryfunge]

Could you go with him and you could both stay nearby but the relatives would get to see him?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

I have offered this and they don't seem keen but if they want him there then this is how it will have to be. They want him without me there, have always been like this since he was born. I have always been surplus to requirements .

[fedupofnamechanging]

Just a question really. When you get divorced, do both parents have to agree that a child can leave the country to go on holiday?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Yes, I believe so.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Meant to add that YANBU. I wouldn't let my DC go either in these circumstances.

[diddl]

If he´s not going to be properly looked after then you are not depriving him of anything imo.

[nickschick]

I think the repercussions of him going will be far worse than your worry if he does go.

It is my understanding that at 7 the child is going through a period of change anyway so an autistic child would be facing a huge shift in itself.

looking at it realistically,nothing he will encounter is the 'norm' or safety cushioned,he doesnt do empathy and understanding of others so everything that affects him will be his only understanding,ie.the lights and business of the airport,his things being in a suitcase away from him,staying in a strange house with unfamiliar people,the smell the textures the tastes everything is different.

He will then question the security of what he has,he may fear being left he may regress he may become frustrated and angry.

Even with you there he will pick up on your reservations and i fear this may affect him in the long term.

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Nickschick, you have given me a lot to think about with that post.

I am with ds every day obviously and my responses to him are instinctive but even I get it wrong sometimes and because he is so high functioning "forget" that he is autistic though I usually deal with things alright in the end.

When you say he may regress, I think that this does happen already when his grandparents come to stay. We have noticed that for at least 3 weeks or a month after they leave he is all over the place, can't settle at school and has raging tantrums. This is I think because there is not much routine with them, they turn up as and when (no problem with this btw) and when they do they spoil him rotten. They don't make allowances for kids anyway, let alone autistic ones. Last time they took him away somewhere it involved an 8 hour car journey, being pulled from pillar to post visiting various family members and then a 4 hour train journey home again. He, of course had a massive tantrum on the train home with his Grandma and this is what she used to justify the other family member being rough with ds ie "well he was very naughty with me on the train that time".

I don't want to make his Dad is no good because it just wouldn't be true but he again he is pretty limited in his understanding of ds and like all family members tends to become more like his parents and take on their views when he is with them. It is likely he might not be as sympathetic to ds as he might otherwise be without me there to remind him.

[EricNorthmansmistress]

I think this is a terrible idea. The only way it would work would be if you went too and stayed with DS in a hotel/apartment and took him to see them, which still might be stressful and would negate the point a bit. Your DS would not enjoy it, they would not enjoy it, why put everyone through it?

My friend's DD (the only HF ASD I know well to compare to) recently started spending weekends with her dad at his dad's place. Grandad lives round the corner and she has been there often since birth - but the change has caused her to regress quite a lot and she has been very unsettled. It's not due to the split as they have been split for a year but previously my friend used to vacate her house all weekend rather than unsettle her. If 2 nights with her dad that she sees daily and her grandad she knows very well, in a house she knows well, with everyone trying their best to keep her familiar routine and things, can upset the balance so much - a flippin holiday with random inlaws will be awful for your DS.

[sdr]

Sounds like it would be a much better idea for grandparents to spend the money coming to you. Then DS would not have everything disrupted and they could see DD as well. Would mean you ex would miss out on a paid holiday, but tough.

[biddysmama]

yanbu my ds has aspergers and i wouldnt let him go on holiday without me because of the effect the disruption would have on him and the fact that most people think he is justa 'naughty boy who needs a smack'