Alcoholic FIL - WWYD?

[RoachingHound]

I'm a semi-frequent poster but have NC for this thread

This is a long one - so thank you so much if you read through it all.

My FIL is an alcoholic. He also suffers with social anxiety and depression. On top of this he has type 2 diabetes.

MIL and FIL split up not long before I met DH (about. 6/7 years ago). MIL is amazingly kind and selfless, I'm amazed she put up with him for so long (gambled their money away, hardly worked, wrote off their car etc). Since they split up she still helps him A LOT , takes him cigarettes when he wants them, answers his stupid drunken phone calls, and ultimately still feels responsible for him.

DH never came out to tell me his Dad was an alcoholic - I figured it out myself and he was obviously ashamed and embarrassed about it. He has the same nature as him mum, so forgiving and helpful, even when his dad is being a complete PITA.

We now have a 2yo DD and FIL worships the ground she walks on. He comes to see her twice a week (when sober) and is so good to her. Unfortunately, we can have weeks where he doesn't see her at all when he's drinking.

It's such a horrible situation as actually FIL helps us out a lot and is good to us when he is sober - but turns into a monster with the alcohol. I feel sorry that DH and SIL had to experience this personality split when they were growing up, and I absolutely DO NOT want my DD to see this.

He's been offered and taken so much help, but the alcohol always wins. When he drinks he stops taking his medication for other conditions and his health takes a massive hit.

Is there anything I could/should do? I would love to help him but I worry he's past it.

When he's on a binge and being obnoxious/verbally abusive ( not to me thankfully -MIL usually gets it) - I just want to cut him out out lives. Bit then he sobers up and can go 2-4 weeks without a drop and is a lovely guy.

It's hard seeing someone destroy themselves like that.

[RoachingHound]

Anyone? Maybe I should ask to have this moved to alcoholism thread?

We are on day 7 of a bing, which is long even for him. He won't have eaten or taken his meds in all that time

[Loubilou09]

Hiya I don't have any answers but wondered if you should ask HQ to move this thread to a busier part of the board? I have never ever been in this section before and didn't even know it existed!!

[RebeccaMumsnet]

Hi all,

We have moved this to Alcohol support now.

Wishing you all the very best OP, you sound lovely.

[RoachingHound]

Thank you Rebecca

[Wolfiefan]

I did read it and you sound like such a caring person who is putting their child first. Always.
What can you do? It's the hardest thing to admit but you can do nothing. An addict can only ever stop if they decide to.
Have you spoken (or has DH) to Al Anon? Remember the three C's. You didn't cause this. You can't control it. You can't cure it. It's awful but it's the truth.
MIL may be meaning to be lovely and supporting but she's actually enabling him. You're doing the right thing. Keeping your DD away from the drinking and having no contact when he's not sober.
It's so sad but addiction is something many people can't overcome.

[RoachingHound]

Thank you Wolfie.

My worry is, DD is only 2 so oblivious to the situation, but unfortunately she'll start realising something is up in the coming years. We are also expecting DC2 so have this to go through with them too.

I think because DH grew up with it he is more blasé about the situation, whereas for me is a totally alien concept to have someone so destructive in the family.

He has been in touch with AA a couple times, went to a few meetings, but it didn't last. A big issue is he gets very anxious about meeting people and so drink can be a way to cope with it, and so the cycle continues.

When I first met DH I was horrified that he would actually take alcohol to his Dad when he requested it. His theory was that was a way of controlling what he drinks, but after seeing how horrified and upset I was about it he hasn't done it again.

[RoachingHound]

An example of my feeling of helplessness to protect DD from it:

We took DD out for dinner last week for her birthday, MIL and FIL were coming with us but because FIL was drinking we never let him know the plans. He ended up turning up anyway (we live in a VERY small town) and joined us at the end of the meal. He was obviously drunk, stinking of alcohol and cigarettes, and became a bit confrontational about how nobody told him plans for dinner (he knows if he is drinking he is not welcome around DD - especially on her birthday)

[Wolfiefan]

If he can't stay away when he's drinking then I know it's hard but I would go NC.
Sorry I didn't mean send FIL to AA. Al Anon is for families of those with drinking problems. May offer you and your husband some support. It's a hard lesson to learn but you, DH and your little one MUST come first. If FIL chooses to put alcohol above having a relationship with you then that's his choice.
Oh and AA and being anxious about people so needs a drink? Alcoholics will ALWAYS make an excuse. All excuses are bollocks and a way of avoiding the truth.