Anyone else finding it hard to be sympathetic and compassionate to alcoholic OH?

(8 Posts)
Somethingtodo Wed 22-Jul-15 17:49:20

Both DH parents are/were alcoholics (one dead at 65, other v poor health status).

DH has a history of alcohol issues - you can read my thread from relationships for background below.

He has just told me that he has been secret weekend binge drinking at night when the rest of us are in bed (only after I found him absolutely comatosed on the sofa). He has now gone teetotal (again) but does not consider himself an alcoholic. He says he will look at counselling but AA is far too extreme.

Should I just be grateful for this - or is it doomed to fail? I feel angry with him for hiding the issue for years and then not seeing what he is and what needs to be done - or am I just being a controlling co-dep?

Do I need to be compassionate and sympathetic for it to work? I dont feel it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2300903-Anyone-else-unable-to-forgive-OH-historic-alcoholism

backtowork2015 Wed 22-Jul-15 21:48:42

I just read the whole of your other thread and you have already had the best advice for this situation. this isn't goibg to get better, you need to leave fir your's and your children's sake

Llareggub Wed 22-Jul-15 22:03:31

I'm so sorry. To cut a long story short, my ex is an alcoholic. Unless he is happy to stop drinking there is no point in being compassionate, angry, annoyed, or anything as it won't make any difference to the outcome. Best to detach.

I'm a few years on post separation and we are all managing ok. I can't say it has been easy and I went to a few al-anon meetings.

I'm in a new relationship with a former ex and sadly his drinking is causing a problem to our relationship. I am starting to think it is either a really common problem or I am in some way attracted to people with addictive personalities!

Don't try and fix him. That's pointless too.

Somethingtodo Thu 23-Jul-15 18:58:09

Thank you -- we went to our regular marriage counselling yesterday and told her about the secret binge drinking revelation - I expressed my anger that what I had been enduring and trying to fix from a relationship perspective I can now see was pointless as I did not have the full picture - I expressed my frustration at coming to terms with this news and that he does not see himself as an alcoholic. She said that I was over reacting and extreme to ask him to go to AA and to tell my older teenage boys and ask if they want to come to al anon with me - she and he agreed that some counselling directly for his problem drinking was all that was required and I should look forward as he said (has) given up and not look back -- she also said that even if the drink issue had not been been there our relationship has serious flaws....quite shocked and disappointed - but I suppose that I already know what I need to know - he can only get there himself - he is currently in denial so it will not work - me meddling and laying down the requirements is co-dep and I need to step away.

kittybiscuits Tue 20-Oct-15 22:19:34

Your regular marriage counsellor is also someone you should move on from. That is not helpful input at all.

MissElizaBennettsBookmark Fri 03-Jun-16 01:43:35

You can't fix him OP.

The marriage guidance counsellor obvs has no knowledge of alcoholism. You should ask to see a different counsellor.

One of my parents was an alcoholic. 30 yrs after their death, I'm still suffering the after-effects and had to go into counselling myself.

You and your children deserve better.

Makeminealemonade Sun 05-Jun-16 17:29:36

I am shocked at the counsellor. clearly she knows absolutely nothing. Alcoholism is self diagnosed - and you are right you can't force - but if you are living with someone who drinks heavily and it is affecting your relationship then you may want to consider al-anon for support for the whole family.

tribpot Sun 05-Jun-16 17:50:56

Your counsellor is out of order, offering such a strong personal opinion on any topic, let alone one she isn't remotely qualified in.

I see on your previous thread I mentioned boiling the frog - he started drinking again at the time of your mother's death, then it crept back up again from weekends only to every day, and now he admits he's been binging. You're right back to where you started.

You've gone backwards from where you were on the previous thread as you were planning to divorce then. How have you ended up in marriage counselling with this unrepentant alcoholic and generally awful man? It strikes me the only thing tying you to him now is that you believe he will die alone in a squat if you don't continue to try to rescue him - and that people will blame you. This is something you need to be discussing with a counsellor of your own.

I will say once again as I did on the previous thread - stop keeping his secrets, tell people the marriage failed the first time due to his binge drinking and he has just admitted that he is binge drinking again.

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