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'How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!' Meradith stood looking at her daughters clothes, which were currently occupying half of the floor as well as the wardrobe. 'I may have lots of Clothes mum but I don’t have an Outfit!’ Rose stood in dismay in the middle of her bedroom wondering how exactly her mother was always immaculately dressed without a strand of hair out of place, while she was left looking like an 80’s reject with hair even Little Orphan Annie would gasp at, with its unmanageable red curls and life of its own.
She stood there pale and curvy in nothing but a pair of pink knickers and a black bra looking flushed while Meradith Stood, looking poised and professional with a sleek blond bob and figure hugging black dress completed with black stilettos and a wide red belt around her enviously flat stomach. ‘Tell me the truth mum’ Rose said, half hoping she was right. ‘Am I adopted?’ ‘Where do you get such preposterous ideas from!? Its that friend of yours Holly isn’t it, I told you that one was to brash for you, ever since you met her you’ve changed Rosalind and I don’t like it’ She pursed her lips and looked disapprovingly at her wayward daughters appearance. ‘You even went and got that Thing in your midriff its common I tell you!’
Rose looked down at her Belly button and smiled at her newly done piercing, a tiny butterfly hung from an even tinier silver hoop. She smiled while remembering her friend Holly daring her to have it done during a rare day out in town shopping. ‘Live a little!’ Holly had told her ‘I haven’t seen you crack a smile in months since he left its about time you started to cheer up and live a little so come on!’ Rose had drawn the line at copying her friend and having a tattoo and settled for this as it reminded her of her darling Abbie who loved butterflies. Thinking of Abbie, Rose dragged her mind back to the present and hurriedly grabbed the nearest clean looking skirt and top she could find and ran into her tiny bathroom to get changed.
‘Really Rosalind cant you buy some new clothes some of these are positively ancient!’ Meradith picked up a silver mini skirt and stared at it. ‘I think I remember wearing something like this when I was a teenager and we all know your not a young girl anymore, you have responsibilities and you need to start acting like it! Its no wonder that nice young man left you if you carried on as if you were a teenager I wouldn’t-’ ‘Mother’ Rose said sharply ‘I thought we agreed not to discuss that anymore, its over, finished with I don’t need to hear it again’ Meradith took a breath, prepared to make sure she got to have the last word. ‘Its not right I tell you Rosalind, A woman shouldn’t have a child and then bring it up alone you need a man why don’t you get him back I’m sure if you apologised for whatever was wrong he would come back’
Rose Ducked down and started pulling on some boots to avoid telling her mother that wild horses couldn’t drag her within 50 miles of her ex husband after what he did to her and Abbie, Abandoning them to be with that woman and her unborn child. She hadn’t told her mother the reason they had split up, couldn’t bear to hear the disappointment in her voice while she no doubt lectured her on how she could have kept him from straying if only she had cooked more for him or ironed his shirts more often. She settled for half hearted agreements and nods while she finished getting ready by tying her hair back in a loose pony tail and applying a touch of lipstick.
‘I have to dash mum I was supposed to pick up Abbie half an hour ago from Holly’s , Meradith opened her mouth again with that look in her eye and Rose just knew she was about to start on about her friend again so she put on a big smile and started ushering her mother out of the room and into the hallway, talking 100 miles an hour to not let her get a word in, She didn’t stop talking nonsense until she was standing in front of her mothers new Mercedes. ‘Sorry about the quick visit but I have to dash maybe if you ring me tomorrow I can let you know when ill be in?’ She secretly crossed her fingers praying she would be out if her mother called, She kissed Meradith goodbye and shut the car door on her before she could utter another word. Waving as she drove off she waited until the car was out of sight before letting the smile and the arm drop. With a sigh and a noticeable drop of the shoulders she began walking to her friends house, glad that nobody was around to distract her from her thoughts which were filled with Him.
Wow, you're very very brave. I struggle to let dh read anything I have written.
On a purely grammatical/spelling note, it needs a good proof read (don't have the time now) but that's something you'd do anyway. I don't think the pagination has copied and pasted well either which makes it a bit difficult to read easily.
More info needed too. Who is it aimed at? Age group? It felt quite teen/young adult stylistically which is a good thing if that's what you intended. It's fairly colloquial which probably exacerbates it sounding quite 'young'.
I do think you have a knack for characterising thought without the obvious inquits, that's clear.
Gotta run but personally I also prefer the spelling 'Meredith'.
'How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!' Meradith [sp? normally spelled Meridith?] stood looking at her daughter[']s clothes, which were currently occupying half of the floor as well as the wardrobe. 'I may have lots of Clothes mum [Mum] but I don’\t have an Outfit!’ Rose stood in dismay in the middle of her bedroom wondering how exactly her mother was always immaculately dressed without a strand of hair out of place, while she was left looking like an 80’s reject with hair even Little Orphan Annie would gasp at, with its unmanageable red curls and life of its own.
She stood there pale and curvy in nothing but a pair of pink knickers and a black bra looking flushed [awk unclear - is the bra looking flushed?] while Meradith Stood, looking poised and professional with a sleek blond bob and figure hugging black dress completed with black stilettos and a wide red belt around her enviously flat stomach. [sentence too long] ‘Tell me the truth mum [Mum]’ Rose said, half hoping she was right. ‘Am I adopted?’ [this should all be one paragraph] ‘Where do you get such preposterous ideas from!? Its that friend of yours Holly isn’t it, I told you that one was to [too] brash for you, ever since you met her you’ve changed Rosalind and I don’t like it’ [nice dialogue] She pursed her lips and looked disapprovingly at her wayward daughters appearance. ‘You even went and got that Thing in your midriff its [it's] common I tell you!’
Rose looked down at her Belly [belly] button and smiled at her newly done piercing, a tiny butterfly hung from an even tinier silver hoop. She smiled while remembering her friend Holly daring her to have it done during a rare day out in town shopping. ‘Live a little!’ Holly had told her ‘I haven’t seen you crack a smile in months since he left[.] its [It's] about time you started to cheer up and live a little[,] so come on!’ Rose had drawn the line at copying her friend and having a tattoo and settled for this as it reminded her of her darling Abbie who loved butterflies. [who is Abbie? Setence too long] Thinking of Abbie, Rose dragged her mind back to the present and hurriedly grabbed the nearest clean looking skirt and top she could find and ran into her tiny bathroom to get changed.
‘Really Rosalind cant you buy some new clothes[?] some of these are positively ancient!’ Meradith picked up a silver mini skirt and stared at it. ‘I think I remember wearing something like this when I was a teenager and we all know your [you're] not a young girl anymore, you have responsibilities and you need to start acting like it! Its [It's] no wonder that nice young man left you[,] if you carried on as if you were a teenager I wouldn’t-’ ‘Mother’ Rose said sharply ‘I thought we agreed not to discuss that anymore, its over, finished with I don’t need to hear it again’ [good feel to dialogue here] Meradith took a breath, prepared [omit from here:] to make sure she got [to here] to have the last word. ‘Its [It's] not right I tell you Rosalind, A woman shouldn’t have a child and then bring it up alone[,] you need a man why don’t you get him back I’m sure if you apologised for whatever was wrong he would come back’ [nice touch - we think the thing in her midriff is a baby, then it's a piercing, now it's a baby again?]
Rose Ducked [why caps?] down and started pulling on some boots to avoid telling her mother that wild horses couldn’t drag her within 50 miles of her ex[-] husband after what he did to her and Abbie, Abandonning them to be with that woman and her unborn child. She hadn’t told her mother the reason they had split up, couldn’t bear to hear the disappointment in her voice while she no doubt lectured her on how she could have kept him from straying if only she had cooked more for him or ironed his shirts more often. She settled for half hearted agreements and nods while she finished getting ready by tying her hair back in a loose pony tail and applying a touch of lipstick. [sentence too long]
‘I have to dash[,] mum [Mum][,] I was supposed to pick up Abbie half an hour ago from Holly’s , Meradith opened her mouth again with that look in her eye [the look in her eye opened her mouth?] and Rose just knew she was about to start on about her friend again so she put on a big smile and started ushering her mother out of the room and into the hallway, talking 100 miles an hour to not let her get a word in, She didn’t stop talking nonsense until she was standing in front of her mothers new Mercedes. [too long!] ‘Sorry about the quick visit but I have to dash[.] maybe [Maybe] if you ring me tomorrow[,] I can let you know when ill [I'll] be in?’ She secretly crossed her fingers[,] praying she would be out if her mother called, She [she] kissed Meradith goodbye and shut the car door on her before she could utter another word. Waving as she drove off she waited until the car was out of sight before letting the smile and the arm drop. [confusing with two 'she's] With a sigh and a noticeable drop of the shoulders[,] she began walking to her friends house, glad that nobody was around to distract her from her thoughts which were filled with Him.
I think your characters are interesting, we get a good sense of them and what they're like from the dialogue. Your spelling and grammar are a bit off (Word would give auto correction suggestions for much of this, though - please use them!), which distracts from the story, more than a bit. If this is to be the first chapter of a longer work, maybe you don't want to tell use about the ex-husband so much in detail, maybe let it come out a bit more naturally?
left me interested in finding out more about the main character's story, which is obviously a good thing - but some of the mothers phrases I didnt like - think you use the line "I tell you" twice and both times, it grated with me. Just didnt sound like normal speech, although I suppose some people talk like that.
DumDeDum, if you ever have the chance then try and do the Open University course A215 Creative Writing. It will help you along and teach you some of the techniques and skills needed.
I'm now on the Level 3 course, Advanced Creative Writing and it is so enjoyable. I really think you would get something worthwhile out of it plus you can put your work on the course site and get critique that is so helpful.
The basis of the story is very good but don't rely on computer to correct (auto correction), it's not always 100%-neither is spell checker. Some of your grammar,punctuation & capitilisation is not quite right but good luck anyway. (Can't beat good old English lessons we received in the 60's).
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