Come tell me what the funniest line is you've ever read in a book :-D

(72 Posts)
Jacksmania Mon 28-Oct-13 18:47:19

Have just been reading "Silken Prey" by John Sandford, and laughed so hard at this line I woke up DH who was not very pleased with me grin

In the book, Lucas Davenport says something to another police officer about the police commissioner (I believe that's her title), Rose Marie Roux, and the other cop shouts "Fuck a bunch of Rose Marie! I'm going to put wheels on that bitch and roll her right into the Mississippi!"

<roar> grin

Yours?

Jacksmania Tue 29-Oct-13 21:55:59

Aw... really?
Just not that funny, huh? sad

GlaikitFizZombieFodder Wed 30-Oct-13 18:47:23

"It was the day my grandmother exploded" opening line of the Crow Road. I had to just go check it, but I remember reading that for the first time and spitting my tea out!

Jacksmania Wed 30-Oct-13 18:54:37

Really? grin grin grin
I think I must find that book - who's the author?

I love you Glaikit for posting on my thread smile

WereTricksPotter Wed 30-Oct-13 19:01:11

I love a lot of lines in Raymond Chandler books, too many to post here.

Christopher Brookmyre can be very funny too.

The exchange between Montmorency the terrier and the cat who Does Not Give A Shit in Three Men In A Boat always makes me laugh.

GlaikitFizZombieFodder Wed 30-Oct-13 19:03:22

The dearly departed Iain Banks wonderful Scottish author.

I am going to have to read it again now for the eleventy millionth time

ObtuseAngel Wed 30-Oct-13 19:12:42

Ohh, The Crow Road and The Wasp Factory are both only 99p on Kindle at the moment.

I'm going to go and have a hard think about books that have made me laugh. I have laughed out loud at lots of books, but I can't remember exact lines.

SvarteKatterogFlosshatter Wed 30-Oct-13 19:17:03

Mine is a passage in 'Very Good Jeeves' by Wodehouse where Wooster is trapped by a swan on an island and Jeeves has to fight it off with a coat. grin

I have it on audiobook and every time I get to that bit I cry with laughter.

GlaikitFizZombieFodder Wed 30-Oct-13 19:19:32

Ooh are they obtuse?! My crow road is very well thumbed but would buy it on a kindle so I can read on the go!

joanofarchitrave Wed 30-Oct-13 19:20:35

"'Chip, more appropriate name,' said Kimi dismally, inspecting it."

I know it doesn't sound that funny but I had to lie down on the floor when I was reading this. I like comic authors who write in long paragraphs with a zinger at the end, but they're hard to quote. It's from The Plague and I by Betty MacDonald.

And I've posted these ones before but they still make me laugh:

'Plato would have jumped out of his sandals at the mere thought of a human being looking like Arnold, i.e. like a brown condom full of walnuts'. (Clive James, Flying Visits)

'God! those rhododendron buds had a phallic, urgent look!' (Stella Gibbons, Cold Comfort Farm)

JollyScaryGiant Wed 30-Oct-13 19:29:11

Robert Rankin's Brentford books make me laugh out loud all the way through. Will have a look and see if I can find a particular quote.

Jacksmania Wed 30-Oct-13 19:59:18

"A brown condom full of walnuts" <wheeze> grin grin grin

Brilliant!

I have to admit I shocked another mum at kindergarten drop-off this morning, I was talking to a good friend who doesn't mind a bit of swearing she's a reformed potty mouth like me and I was complaining about DS's kindy teacher who has scheduled a field trip to the pumpkin patch tomorrow - on Hallowe'en, so they will miss dressing up for school, there will be no pumpkins left, or if there are, they will be the sad tiny little rejects, and of course we won't have time to carve any pumpkins between pick-up time and when it gets dark enough to go trick-or-treating... all because she has certain religious beliefs and doesn't like Hallowe'en, which is fine, but imposing her beliefs on the little ones is not fine - they were all excited to dress up for kindy, and now will be slogging around a stupid empty pumpkin patch... and breathe... sorry for rant blush...

Anyway.... the three of us were standing around after the kids went in, bitching talking about this, and I said "Fuck a bunch of Mrs Kindergarten Teacher" which made my good friend choke on her coffee grin and the other mum look at me like shockhmm before she warmed up to grin

Must watch language around untried mums blush

PoppyAmex Wed 30-Oct-13 20:02:37

PG Wodehouse, Bertie speaking:

"Very good," I said coldly. "In that case, tinkerty-tonk."
And I meant it to sting.

joanofarchitrave Wed 30-Oct-13 20:10:53

grin poppy

ghostonthecanvas Wed 30-Oct-13 20:20:36

Terry pratchett was the first author to make me laugh out loud in a public place. Can think of any examples now because my brain is very leaky. The best line I ever read was in a crime thriller. Last line in the book. 'The mineshaft was empty'. Can't remember the book or the author but Harrison Ford was in the movie.....
Best line recently was solesorceress and involved swearing and plucking. I think. Jeez I might be menopausal. I can't remember anything!

choccyp1g Wed 30-Oct-13 20:30:11

From "the 100 year old man who climbed out of the window and disappeared"

"And they all lived happily ever after" which was the piss mistake in the rejected bibles which one of the characters read ALL THE WAY THROUGH comparing each line against another copy.

SvarteKatterogFlosshatter Wed 30-Oct-13 20:39:24

I adored "The 100 year old man who climbed out of the window and disappeared" - the way it was written was extremely funny all the way through, in a surreal sort of way.

SuperLemonCrush Wed 30-Oct-13 20:46:25

There's a Garrison Keillor story where he describes a woman with dyed black hair wearing a purple jumpsuit as something like "she was seventy, but could pass for a sixty year old who had had a hard life". Most of "Lake Wobegon Days" et al can make me snort out loud.....

GlaikitFizZombieFodder Wed 30-Oct-13 21:24:15

How could I forget HGTTG! So many wet your pants funny lines!

GlaikitFizZombieFodder Wed 30-Oct-13 21:27:20

One I remember, "they hung in the air, exactly the way bricks don't"

'She climbed nimbly onto the bus, like a mountain lion. Well, like a sobbing mountain lion wearing a miniskirt, so not really like a mountain lion at all.'

Jacksmania Wed 30-Oct-13 22:42:01

These are great grin

hackmum Thu 31-Oct-13 09:47:37

Another one who adored The 100-year old man. Very very funny.

Loads of good lines in Hitch-hiker's - I am particularly fond of:

Ford: "It's unpleasantly like being drunk."
Arthur: "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
Ford: "You ask a glass of water."

Caitlin17 Sat 02-Nov-13 02:57:30

'It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine," observed P G Wodehouse.

There's loads of great one liners in Lucky Jim

"Feather footed through the plashy fen passes the questing vole" from Evelyn Waugh's Scoop

Louise1956 Sat 02-Nov-13 05:34:03

'Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty, hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to talk French' - opening sentence of The Luck of the Bodkins by P.G. Wodehouse.

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