Seriously FFS

(45 Posts)
Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 19:53:40

This is a pure angry rant, so you know, don't feel obliged to read through the whole thing if you want to stick with the positive tonight

I just fielded a wonderful phone call from someone who wanted to offer me parenting advice on DD2 because DD2 is finding home really hard because of me! (read - DD2 is triangulating and manipulating because for reasons she can't explain, it makes her feel safer and more in control)

I tried being polite, whilst being advised that I'm too hard on DD2 because (paraphrased):

1. I should let her go out whenever she wants to, because kids her age need freedom

2. Removing her radio (not for the first time by a long shot) was "cruel" because "she needs it". Apparently I removed it because I didn't like her music, which she has a "right to listen to". (This is bollocks. I removed it at 1AM because DD2 refused to turn it down and DS woke up and couldn't get back to sleep)

and the absolute corker:

3. Kid her age shouldn't have medication, especially meds classed as antipsychotics, and I should stop her medication because it's bad and also "forcing children" (as if I force her, she's 17 not 4!!) to take "psychotic medication" is abusive

At this point I politely yet very firmly terminated the phone call, because I saw the metaphorical red sparkles of rage

Some things are not worth arguing over. I COULD have said to this certain someone

"Yes, DD2 is on strong medication. It's very sad when a child needs something like Risperidone to function well. We should ask ourselves what the root cause of this situation is, and so I have some advice/insight for you - a great method of preventing this kind of situation is not to harm your own child in such a profound way that she later needs medication to help her function. You don't like my parenting? Well then, don't fuck up your own parenting so badly that your child gets placed with me so I could do the job properly"

But I didn't. I said "goodbye X" and cut her off.


MrsDeVere Thu 06-Feb-14 19:56:52

You deserve a fucking medal for not reaching down the phone and pulling her head through it.


Pigeonhouse Thu 06-Feb-14 19:58:05

Dear God, this was your daughter's birth mother calling you up to give you parenting advice?

There are so many layers of irony there it's like a particularly lengthy Pass the Parcel.

Kudos for not saying what you could have.

Jesus... you're a better women than me. I'd of self combusted.

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 20:03:43

Oh I feel better for writing that

Incredibly, she started the phone call by asking if she could say "Hi" to DS.

The same DS who told me to stop letterbox to her because he doesn't want her to get letters about him. The same DS who can't bear us to talk about 'the reunion' when in his presence. Yeah, that one

Clearly I said no, which is when she said "oh...well, I want to talk about DD2 anyway".

Serious case of denial

Wow. what a bitch

tea4two4three Thu 06-Feb-14 20:14:28

I second what MrsDeVere said.

prumarth Thu 06-Feb-14 20:21:00

I'm speechless! You must be rightly furious. Does she call you with parental advise often??

adoptmama Thu 06-Feb-14 20:40:54

Mrs DeVere has nailed it. You deserve a medal.

and a bottle of wine.

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 21:01:47

Luckily, I have myself a bottle of wine right here

No prumarth very rare she phones me, thank the lord

I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean there's nothing I can do except block her number, but what if something happens when she's with DD one day, or <million and one other scenarios>?

MyFeetAreCold Thu 06-Feb-14 21:05:35

Caller ID so you at least know it's her? You can answer if DD is with her and not otherwise?

I'm glad you have wine.


Christ almighty.

Medals, wine, gin, flowers, gold ingots, you name it, take the lot. You've earned it.

Kewcumber Thu 06-Feb-14 21:13:16

really the thread could have stopped after MrsDV because she said everything really.

My ex was royal artillery - might he come on useful? He's in the country at the moment...

MrsDeVere Thu 06-Feb-14 21:24:18

Ha ha
I thought I might get disapproving tuts for being so crude and advocating violence (and alcohol)

Should have known you lot better grin

Kew my OH is ex artillery. He was a gunner.

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 21:46:38

Keep the ex artillery's on standby grin

People who advocate for crude language should get applause, not tuts. Sometimes I think I sound kind of genteel on here. Words on a screen can be deceiving grin

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 21:48:27

What if BM says something to DD about her medication, or says to her she should stop taking it?

That's what really worrying me now

She NEEDS it

namechangesforthehardstuff Thu 06-Feb-14 22:10:03

Well mrs devere with an honourable mention to pigeonhouse for the pass the parcel...

Surely the massive neon pointy arrowed sign reading 'IRONY' must be apparent to all?

MrsBW Thu 06-Feb-14 22:22:20

How does your DD feel about taking the Risperidone? Is she liable to be influenced by her BM?

Devora Thu 06-Feb-14 22:28:39

As my grandmother would say: where is the shame that woman should be drenched in?

ChrisMooseMickey Thu 06-Feb-14 22:34:42

Holy Moly OP. <pins medal on your lapel>

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 22:41:27

Thanks everyone, you're all lovely thanks

MrsBW - She takes it every day, and hasn't ever refused the medication. But it depends what mood BM catches her in. I have no idea how she'll react. Sometime she really wants to please BM and make her happy sad But she does think the medication has helped her, so if BM says anything, I will remind DD of how bad it was before she was taking it, and how she feel better now. And I will tell her that BM doesn't understand how it works and that's why she's worried, but actually she's wrong and the medication is safe and helping her

Lilka Thu 06-Feb-14 22:44:11

I have no idea if that would work, but that's all I can think of doing

If she starts giving DD grief over taking her medication I will...I was all about to type a threat in there but realistically

well, I'll do nothing to her, like normal. I'll flounder and try and pick up the pieces, like I always do, while BM breezes on regardless, not having to deal with the consequences of her stupidity. That's the shittiest thing about this whole mess sometimes

Kewcumber Thu 06-Feb-14 22:45:18

Mrs DV my ex was major by the time he left but one of his earlier jobs was forward lookout which appeared to consist of going to stand close to what your big guns are trying to hit and radioing back saying "nope you missed me try again". Your DH might have been trying to shoot at him!

He works for the Red Cross now which find a little amusing.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Thu 06-Feb-14 23:07:21

cake brew you are a trooper, i hope when she is older DD will realize all you did for her and thank you. bm complete numpty.

MrsBW Thu 06-Feb-14 23:18:14

So hard. It must be so tempting, if BM did say 'I want you to stop taking it' (or variations on that theme) to spin it saying 'if she had your best interests at heart, she'd want you to stay well' (or variations on that theme)

I have personal experience of a close relative taking Risperidone. Tis a brilliant drug so I find BM's attitude even more bewildering.

Take a day at a time, try not to worry prematurely - it may never happen - and cross your bridges as you get to them.

MrsBW Thu 06-Feb-14 23:19:12

Good that your DD normally takes it ok and realises it helps her.


Meita Thu 06-Feb-14 23:54:49

What MrsDeVere said.

prumarth Fri 07-Feb-14 18:01:59

I'm so sorry this is causing you anxiety. I don't feel qualified to help with advice but am taking your mumsnet back and sending positive vibes your way!

TrinnyandSatsuma Fri 07-Feb-14 18:13:13

You have shown true dignity and grace. Respect to you.


Lilka Fri 07-Feb-14 23:31:24

She texted me a couple of times this morning, saying she's sorry if she upset me, but she only wants to help DD and to please listen to her and talk with her. Totally ignored them, my parenting is not up for discussion

We're all going out tomorrow for a picnic and a long walk, so that will take my mind off things smile I'm off to make some sandwiches and line up wellies and raincoats! (100% if we're going out, we'll get poured on)

namechangeobv Fri 07-Feb-14 23:46:52

She only wants to help you. The woman's a saint. shock

roadwalker Sat 08-Feb-14 08:28:11

You are well deserving of the wine, I don't know how you kept you cool

Do you think she is unthinking or deliberately trying to wind you up?

I suppose parenting looks easy when you are not in the thick of it. I have had written parenting advice from BM which was hard enough to take but nothing like getting it over the telephone

prumarth Sat 08-Feb-14 22:05:01

Hope you all the picnic and walk today Lilka and that you didn't get too wet!

prumarth Sat 08-Feb-14 22:05:46

*enjoyed the picnic and walk

travellingwilbury Sat 08-Feb-14 22:13:47

Wowzers and other exclaiming stuff .

I have no experience of this but even i can see she is deluded and in denial is probably the polite version .

Here have gin and plenty of interesting snacks .

Lilka Sun 09-Feb-14 00:15:22

Thanks prumarth we did enjoy ourselves smile It was very windy and cold but we didn't get even a spot of rain on us! Gave me a chance to clear my head - walking is ever so calming smile Although battling the wind was exhausting, I am cream crackered now and off to bed

RudolphLovesoftplay Tue 11-Feb-14 06:21:55

OMG!!! Only just caught up on recent threads due to youngest DS giving me the run around. I cannot believe that woman has the audacity to question you like that!! Fair play for not screaming and ranting like a loon at her, you're a better woman than me.

OneOfOurLilkasIsMissing Sun 02-Mar-14 21:51:30

Thought I might as well update

Yes, she did tell DD2 in person and via the lovely facebook chat (DD hs let me have a look at their chat log) that she might get addicted to "them pills they got you on", "it's not good for you", they're for people with scizophrenia not for you, "I don't want you all drugged up", "she can't make you take them, just tell her to piss off" [that's me, obviously] et bloody cetera

So DD2 refused to take the pills, for 3 days, before starting again on the 4th day after she realised that she needs it and also she got withdrawal symptoms which were awful

Her behaviours and emotions in those days, were awful. All the anxiety behaviours back full force, the restless energy, she was being aggressive, she was really hypervigilant, and this was made 10 times worse by the withdrawal symptoms - she felt sick and couldn't sleep at all, and lack of sleep makes her really irritable and easily angered. It's been such a time since she's not been on medication, I felt overwhelmed by it.

It was hellish, it really was. I didn't sleep either because she was walking round the house all night, waking me up so I could be with her. I think it was about 4 hours sleep in dribs and drabs the first night, no sleep whatsoever the second night and maybe 3 hours the next night.

Anyway, she couldn't bear the insomnia any more sad so by the 4th day I was able to sit her down and give her a cuddle and talk her into starting again pretty easily. Starting didn't make it all go away straight away but she's feeling better now, sleeping and not feeling ill.

And she's agreed with me that she's not going to do that again, that she clearly does need the medication, and that when the time does come to come off it, it will be tapered off slowly

Anyway that's one the reasons I've just not been around here much this last month, plus a few other things, this has just been a horrid one

OneOfOurLilkasIsMissing Sun 02-Mar-14 22:03:20

But on a happier note, on Friday and yesterday we celebrated 10 years since i met her!! Met her on Saturday 28th February 2004 and we had a Saturday tea celebration at home yesterday cake wine grin (that is - we had party food, coca cola and smiles all round). It was a lovely day smile

I told DD how I couldn't believe 10 years went so fast, and how blessed I am to have met her and how happy I am that she's my daughter, and she said to me "I'm really glad you're my mum"!!!! grin

Full steam ahead to her 18th birthday in a couple of weeks shock

I really don't know where the time has gone!

ps. it's also my birthday in a few days (on the 6th), and given DS birthday is in February, we have a slew of celebrations in a short space of time. However, I won't be making a fuss out of my birthday, because that would remind people how old I am wink I dread to think what delightfully comedic age related birthday card DD1 has found this year grin

ghostinthecanvas Sun 02-Mar-14 23:00:30

flowers cake for your birthday.

You are both amazing.

OneOfOurLilkasIsMissing Mon 03-Mar-14 18:39:01

Aw thank you ghost I love cake. I've decided to make my own cake, a coffee and walnut one. It may be a total disaster (I don't bake much) but oh well grin

I've not been amazing at this lark this month. I feel like I'm hanging on by my very finger tips. I just hope things improve. This weekend was good though so I hope we're moving in the right direction, slowly

Lilka lots of hugs (v UN-MN I know) and cake for you.

prumarth Mon 03-Mar-14 18:51:23

Congratulations on your 10 year anniversary and upcoming birthday! Both sound like opportunities for some well deserved celebrations.
I'm so sorry that you have had a tough month. If only your daughters birth mum fully realised the impact that her advise has. However, it's great that your daughter knows you are there for her - sharing her chat pages, even waking you up at night for comfort and support - and ultimately she has realised the importance of the medication within a relatively short period (although probably feels a lot longer when you were both suffering through the after effects).
I hope your daughter is now allowed to recover without any further "advice" from outside influences!
Hope that March treats you better than Feb did!

Kewcumber Mon 03-Mar-14 19:24:06

COngrats on your anniversary lilka

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 03-Mar-14 22:33:23

Oh fucking hell Lilka, I'm so cross on your - and your DD's - behalf . You're a hero. And congratulations on your anniversary. Lots of cake all round.

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