Medical uncertainty

(27 Posts)
Cantthinkofannewname Sat 09-Nov-13 21:48:45

We have, all in the same fortnight, heard that our DS's birth mum is having another baby, and been told that an important medical appointment for DH has been delayed (though only by about 10 days).

It is possible that he will go to this appointment and a) be told he's in the clear or b) be told they will do another test now and find out if he's seriously ill or be in the clear OR c) be told they think the best thing is to wait 3/6/9/12 months and do a test and find out if it's serious or not.

If we know it's serious, we don't want to go ahead with the adoption, but there is actually a really low chance it's serious (meaning I'm worried but not climbing the walls). And I don't think they'd be letting him wait ages if they think there's any chance it's serious.

But if we were waiting 12 months for another test I think we'd want to go ahead. We don't think they'd put the new baby on hold for us though! And rightly so.

Has anyone been in a situation of medical uncertainty during HS? What did your LA/VA do about it?

It's not like an approval in general where we can just put the whole thing on hold while we wait and see. And we also worry (because we are older etc etc) that our best chance of adopting again might be this sibling.

LocoParentis Sat 09-Nov-13 23:53:35

Hi during the home study my dh found testicular cancer, although they operated straight away and it didn't spread we were told we had to wait a year from his last treatment before we can continue with the home study.

Which was honestly more of a blow than the cancer.

Although it's been difficult I do absolutely agree that making us wait was the right decision. I know we would have coped if it had all happened after or during introductions because we wouldn't have had any choice but I can't say we would have coped unscathed!!

I think if you tell the sw about the medical concerns they might take the decision out of your hands. Personally I would work on the assumption that everything is fine until you know otherwise and progress the adoption, especially as it's likely to be a while before the baby could or would be placed anyway.

Good luck

2old2beamum Sun 10-Nov-13 15:40:41

Hi can't think We had applied to adopt a 4th child who was placed with us with a very complex health needs. Before her adoption was finalised she sadly died. SS felt we should go ahead with another child. In the interim I was dx with breast cancer followed by mastectomy and no other treatment.

SS were still interested shock and having written to my consultant, DS was placed with us 7months later.

We are 20 years on and have adopted 2 more. How lucky are we!!

Loads of luck

Cantthinkofannewname Sun 10-Nov-13 16:46:58

Thanks loco and tooold. If we have a firm diagnosis we don't want to go ahead - but if we don't I, at least, want to, but they will not keep this new baby on hold that long - it is not fair and they would be needing to make a decision about the new baby's future before we would have things resolved.
The thing is there is such a very very low chance of something bad, that as I say I'm not panicking about that at all really!

Cantthinkofannewname Tue 26-Nov-13 15:58:54

Just to update and also see if anyone else has any thoughts.

We have been told that the best course of action for DH is to have tests about 3 or 4 times a year, and that the original test result is "not something to be anxious about" (written words in consultant's letter). DH could have an invasive test now, but it probably wouldn't tell him anything more, and the consultant said there wasn't much point.

Because of the due date of the new baby, we can't wait for even one more test - it would be unfair for the new baby to be in foster care - not for months (the original plan was placement with us v soon after birth, it's one of those situations where there's no way the baby is going home to BF, no previous children have, but the new baby couldn't go to any of the other adoptive homes either).

We've asked to see our original social worker, and we've told her all this, and asked her if she can speak to the medical advisor.

Just not sure what will happen and wondering if anyone has any experience.

KristinaM Tue 26-Nov-13 20:46:26

I don't have any experience of this but just wanted to say how pleased I was to read that things for your DH are stable.

How do you feel now about adopting the new baby?

Cantthinkofannewname Tue 26-Nov-13 21:59:00

Thanks - we really really want to go ahead with it - at least, I do, and DH wants to (but not quite as madly as I do).

KristinaM Tue 26-Nov-13 22:05:24

smile it's lovely that you can keep the children together

Cantthinkofannewname Wed 27-Nov-13 13:11:40

Well yes it will be if we can adopt the new baby! But it will not be very lovely either for DS or the new baby if we can't!

KristinaM Wed 27-Nov-13 17:35:36

Well assuming that your DS is quite young, I guess he won't know any better. If you have direct contact with his sibling, he will just accept it. He won't be the only child in his school who had a sibling who doesn't live with them.

And if you are not able to take the baby, I'm sure she/he will be placed with a loving adoptive family.

Well ideally, all siblings would be placed together. But in an idea world , there would be no adoption as all children would be born into families who could care for them

Cantthinkofannewname Wed 27-Nov-13 20:41:21

Well, you could say about any adoption where the children are quite young that they don't know any differently, but they have still lost their birth family. We'd really rather he didn't lose this member too, and vice versa. He's already got other siblings he doesn't live with and yes we see them, but it's not the same as growing up with them.

KristinaM Thu 28-Nov-13 11:37:32

I agree with you! I hope it works out for you :-)

Cantthinkofannewname Tue 03-Dec-13 14:23:24

So our SW saw us and she was very nice about it. The issue needs to be addressed but it is fairly likely that a letter from the consultant, attached to our medical reports, will be OK and they will get us to do those first and then see if they think it is all going to be fine. We won't start the rest of the home study just now and that's OK with us.

But of course nothing is ever simple, and it may now be that we would not be first choice for this baby. We could possibly go ahead with approval for a 2nd adoption but not specifically for this child, and then see if we got a different match if the sibling was not placed with us. I am not sure but kind of feel like we need to do this now so we are ready as soon as possible. And also very sad if we might not be matched with the birth sibling.

Aaaargh!

Hels20 Tue 03-Dec-13 17:18:59

Absent your DH's medical condition and unless one of your DS's siblings adoptive parents (not sure if they are adopted or just looked after) wanted to adopt the new baby...I am really staggered that you wouldn't be first choice for new sibling.

We have just been matched with a little 2 year old boy (he moved in with us a few days ago) and I was told that if his birth Mum (or even birth father) had another child that entered the care system, then we would be first choice if adoption was decided....

Good luck with it all OP.

Cantthinkofannewname Thu 05-Dec-13 12:07:29

Hels, I won't go into details but let's say someone came out of the woodwork and that one sibling is with extended birth family. It's not as simple as that and it actually looks like this information is incorrect so if we were approved and wanted this, we may be able to go ahead.

Hels20 Thu 05-Dec-13 22:22:15

Good luck Can't Think.

Cantthinkofannewname Mon 09-Dec-13 16:39:13

And breathe...

FINALLY got the medical forms for us to fill in. We rang and asked the practice manager to book us in before the forms arrived, but no, she couldn't do that till she had them in her hand as "there are procedures". So that's a week. They wanted me to go away and wait for her to ring me when I took them in but I insisted on seeing her after her lunch hour and she managed to book me in this week and DH next. But they can't contact the consultant till after the forms get back from the GP. Oh no. That would be too straightforward.

The medical advisor has to "consider" them and "then decide" if they want to write to the consultant (have these people never heard of email? can't they email us the forms and email them back? It is secure these days you know. A da*n sight more secure than the Royal Mail who lost our original forms AND who lost one of mine when we applied to adopt DS...)

And another month down the drain. For a medical appointment for each of us that takes half an hour and will take the medical advisor no more than that time to read and consider. That's a month of the baby sibling's life that they will never get back. One of the most important months of their whole life.

Meita Mon 09-Dec-13 21:13:35

How VERY annoying of them!
I can totally understand that things sometimes get held up due to SWs being drowning in work, but when it is just lack of organisation and bureaucratic red tape, I find it hard to stay calm and positive…

I very much hope that things work out miraculously quickly from now on! It can only get better now.

Cantthinkofannewname Thu 09-Jan-14 14:37:12

Just an update. We have been allowed to start the full process, we've done our medicals and have a date for DBS, and as we are 2nd time adopters it actually looks like it could be quite quick, certainly it will be finished by the time the baby is due it seems!

The only thing is that the medical uncertainty is still ongoing. DH will probably be having more regular tests - until and unless a firm diagnosis is made and even then they may just monitor rather than treat.

We are hoping this is a positive thing and that they will see that although this is a potentially bad condition, he still may not have it, and even if he does, it is not going to limit his life expectancy it seems.

It is of course possible that he'd get a firm diagnosis during the process in which case we think we'd have to stop the process but at that point we'd be battening down the hatches and not talking to anyone except each other anyway!

Our thoughts are also that if we are not approved or asked to delay, this time, we'll pick up the process later (which would probably be for an unrelated child but this has kind of clarified our thoughts on having a 2nd).

KristinaM Thu 09-Jan-14 19:14:18

Thanks for coming back to update us.i hope it works out for you and that your Dh keeps well

Cantthinkofannewname Sat 11-Jan-14 13:05:06

Right, great rejoicing all round today, a test result back for DH and it's good meaning no further nasty tests for him at least for the next 6 months to a year, they will continue to monitor but that's good.

We are hoping that this means all is GO on the adoption front but we'll have to wait and see, of course I am mentally planning everything but trying not to be too certain especially until the medical advisor reviews everything.

KristinaM Sat 11-Jan-14 21:00:30

Oh that's excellent news, I'm delighted for you all. Let's hope you are able to bring your baby home ASAP after he/she is born

Lilka Sat 11-Jan-14 22:29:21

That's great news, glad to hear it smile

Cantthinkofannewname Mon 17-Mar-14 12:31:14

I forgot to update this and meant to come back... just to say that it is all OK with the medical advisor, and we are just waiting to go to panel, and hopefully we will then meet the new baby fairly soon after they are born...

KristinaM Mon 17-Mar-14 13:07:04

That's great, I hope it works out well for you all

Fabulous news, all best wishes.

oldnewmummy Tue 18-Mar-14 11:08:09

Glad to hear it, all the best.

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